Polyamoury, as I am sure you are aware, is a potnetial minefield of misunderstandings and hurt feelings and does need to be handled carefully. Its a shame that he did not wanr to play (or maybe his wife did not want to let him play) but you did the right thing in respecting that, however much you didn't like it.

It is, as already stated, difficult to find someone who understands truly (on an emotional level as well as an intellectual level) that you can have BDSM without sex or that you can have BDSM or sex with someone you do not love in the same way as you love your life partner. I understand this on an intellectual level and yet I think I would still get the emotional jealous reaction if a partner of mine was with someone else. Sod it, I know I do as I get jealous when she talks to other men never mind sleep with them... I just hide it well..