Who is this man?

[leah06]

So, as I've mentioned on other threads, I've been on sort of a quest to find my place on the D/s spectrum, and to find a man who matches me there. It's been kind of an Alice In Wonderland experience, because each time I think I've figured out my internal landscape, something changes and I have to become reacquainted with myself. One thing that's happened is that I've spent a fair amount of time with younger men. This is not because I seek them out; in fact, I'd much prefer to find a man about my age or older. Perhaps I'm looking in the wrong places, but the men my age that I connect with (usually on-line) are just not very compelling or interesting people. In general. I have a theory as to why this is so, but it's not relevant here.

So I connected, on-line, with someone and maintained, as I usually do, a fairly agnostic attitude. Email is fine for preliminaries but I just don't really know what I think of someone until I meet him, and, of course, I don't know what he thinks of me either, so why get all invested? But. This one is different. Understanding, compelling. Strong enough to yield - and you know that it's a choice. The first man I've met in this context who wanted to know, in a more than superficial way, about my life and experiences outside of bdsm. I've been hesitant to discuss this, with these younger men, in part because it provides such a LONG history - not that I've ever deceived anyone about my age, how could I, but still, why rub it in? "Well, when I got married, back around when you were born..." Mmm, mmm, nothing more erotic than that.

And we haven't met. We've emailed and tonight we talked on the phone. Did I mention that I am very careful not to get invested? I think I mentioned it. I think I'm breaking my rule. He promises - and I don't mean he made me any promises, that would send me scooting pretty fast, but his attitude suggests - dominance, and understanding, and safety. I so long to surrender in safety. I want his foot on my neck. I want his hands in my hair. I want to offer my body to be used in any way he wants. He sent me his photo (I won't send mine, ever. If we meet and want to meet again, then he knows what I look like. If not, no one needs my photo hanging around their computer). He is piercingly beautiful. His voice. It's very soft, and very gentle, and I want to please it. It's like swimming in warm honey. It's an instrument, and you can tell he knows it, and he uses it very well.

This is the first time I've ever been frightened to meet someone, because I've never cared before what they would think and now I do. I will never be twenty again, and when I was twenty I couldn't have matched his presence. The fact that other men, even men his age, have met me and maintained an interest is irrelevant. I want his interest. I want it very, very badly.

I struggled not to develop this feeling of intimacy, I would have been happy to make small talk and discuss fetishes, but I was drawn in to hearing, and telling, what I would be happy to share with someone I had a future with. If he meets me, and leaves with my confidences in his pocket, I will be very lonely. Who is this man? I wish that I would, some day soon, meet my master. I don't want to be a slave; I want to be a servant. I want to serve with my body and with all of my being. I don't want to keep anything back for myself. One of the things I've noticed in my own and some other people's fantasies of domination and sadism is that the perpetrator, whatever else you might say, is never indifferent.

He thought that I was holding something back tonight. I wasn't holding back nearly as much as I wanted to. I want someone who will accept my service in the spirit in which it is offered.

Please don't give me advice, I'm in no position to take it. Sometimes people send hugs - I'd really like one of those. One time I was skiing and I hit an icy patch. It was snowing pretty hard and there was a lot of wind and blowing snow, and I knew I was near the side of the mountain. I lost one ski and started sliding down the mountain on my back. I couldn't stop or steer and I couldn't see, and I knew that the edge was somewhere near me. Sometimes I think you just have to let gravity take you where it will.

[LadyAznTiger13]

*hugz* hang in there =]

[jeanne]

rachel,

I have no advice or anything else to offer. I will say though - it sounds like you may have encountered a lovely young man. I hope with all my heart that your relationship continues to grow.

Here's a big hug and my very best wishes,
jeanne

[Euryleia]

~hugs~

Hugs are always there for the asking. Good luck and best wishes.

[angela_shy]

hope all goes well...

[denuseri]

Good luck and be safe!!!!! I will pray all goes well for you.

[DowntownAmber]

I'm not a random giver of hugs by nature, but I think one is warranted in this case: *HUGS* and best of luck with everything going forward.

[leah06]

I didn't ask for support frivolously, and I really appreciate it. I know that some people have a real-life community that shares their bdsm interests, but I don't, so I don't really have anyone to bring this to. Thanks very much for the virtual hugs - they actually mean a lot.

Spoke again this morning. There are so many things going on, but one is the feeling of danger within safety. He's quite formidable.

[bip0lar]

i'm pretty sure it's not our hugs you would like right now, so i really do wish you get them [along with other things] from him. hang in there.

[sidhewolf]

"When you walk to the edge of all the light you have
and take that first step into the darkness of the unknown,
you must believe that one of two things will happen:

There will be something solid for you to stand upon,
or, you will be taught how to fly" ~ Patrick Overton.

May your Journey take you where you need to be.

Respectfully~SidheWolf

[MissConfused]

hugs rachel
I envy your courage if you let "gravity" take you
I pray the fall will be fulfilling

[leah06]

Thanks so much to everyone who has replied. I was in a good place for a few days but am unsettled again. I know that some people have described needing to be "tamed" or not respecting a dom who hasn't done that. But that's not what's happening here. It's like a series of invitations, and I can accept them or not. I can choose to travel where his voice takes me, or I can stand still. And I'm OK with accepting these invitations, so far, but I can see down this long hallway until maybe it gently curves and I can't see beyond the curve, but I have a pretty good idea of what's there, and it's taking me further and further from where I came in. I just don't know where I want to wind up.

[the_moirae]

Maya Angelou once said: You did then what you knew how to do and when you knew better, you did better. The only course of action you can take at any given time is that which you think is best and the only person who knows that is you. *Lots & lots of hugs*

[leah06]

He might well be the master I've been looking for. Thank you from my heart to those who've posted here and sent hugs and to those who've PM'd me. This is a difficult and exhausting process, and it's so nice to share some of it.