Perspective and Porn...Oh, the Power!

[tessa]

I'm a serious believer in the power of perspective. Being able to consider what it's like for the other person is a quality that separates the better from the good. However, the ability to be considerate and mindful of another's perspective regarding most any topic is difficult on the best of days, so anytime I have the opportunity to try on another POV, I do. Anyway, when I ran across this chick-a-dee's letter at Craigslist, I was, of course, duly interested, and for more than just the title.

And even though she seems a bit uptight about it all, I laughed out loud while reading it. There's that.

From Your Local Adult Store Clerk

Dear Adult Store Shoppers,

Maybe you want to buy some pornography or maybe you'd like to purchase some condoms, lube, lingerie, toys, games or whatever other merchandise we carry. That's great, and I hope you find what you want in the store, but please, avoid these pitfalls and be a good customer.

1. Don't ask me if you would like a certain movie. Just because I work here doesn't mean I've watched every damned one of them. This much I do know-all of our movies have people fucking in them, usually 2 or more people. This much you should know. Now do the following: Look at the box cover. Is it appealing to you? No? Stop, put the movie away and pick up another and try again. Yes? Good! Now, turn over the box. Do you see those other pictures? If none of those appeal to you, don't rent the movie. If they appeal to you, rent it, take it home, wank to it, be happy. If it's not to your liking, shut the fuck up and rent another movie. I really don't care if it wasn't appropriate wanking material that met your fine and high pornography standards. This isn't a restaurant where you can send something back if you don't like it (which could be dangerous depending on which waitress you have)– it's a porn store. It's self-explanatory.

2. If you return movies that you rented with unidentified substances on them, you are a nasty motherfucker who should get hit by a bus. I get paid $9.00/hour, which is not enough to clean up your spunk. Wash your hands before you take the DVD out of the player. If you return that nasty jizz covered movie, I will curse you loudly, put on 2 pairs of latex gloves, use copious amounts of cleaning supplies, and then put a nasty note in your account about how you can't even return a movie the way we gave it to you - clean and DNA free. Then, everyone who works in the store knows what a nasty person you are. So for the love of Christ, wash your hands and have some respect for the people who work here.

3. If you and your partner come into my store and you want to buy some lingerie, that is great. It's even nice if your husband/boyfriend/John/whatever wants to help you into the lingerie as some of the stuff we sell is hard to get on by yourself. But seriously, don't fuck in my dressing room. I don't want to clean up that DNA mess either. Take your lingerie, try it on, buy it if you like it, and then take it home and fuck there. I wouldn't come into your place of work and fuck on your desk, so don't have sex here in my store. Don't try to be sneaky about it either. If I notice you've been in the dressing room for more than a few minutes, I'm going to come by and knock on the door to see if everything is okay.

4. Please treat our merchandise with some respect. In any other store would you open up boxes, rip off labels, or throw things around? I doubt it. Also, my store is not a club or a party. I know we are open late, so maybe you really do think this is a club, but I swear it's not. It's a store. We're here to sell things and make money. The things we sell are fun and great, sure, but this is not a place for you and all of your friends to come in and laugh and scream and point (and destroy merchandise, as mentioned above) for 2 hours and then leave without purchasing anything.

5. Don't hit on me or any of my coworkers. It comes off as desperate and kind of gross. I mean, you're standing at my counter with 2 tranny movies, some desensitizing spray and a pair of panties. Do you really think this situation lends itself to me wanting to go out with you? Nope, didn't think so either. Also, don't stare at me or my coworkers like we're pieces of meat. Don't ask us inappropriate questions either. No, I won't demonstrate how the toys are used. No, I won't tell you what it is I like in bed. And seriously, if you ask me to model lingerie one more time, I'm going to kick you out.

6. Additionally, just because I work at an adult store does not make me uneducated, a freak, a stripper, a prostitute or desperate. I am college educated (and currently in graduate school), well-read, and a pretty normal person with friends, family, a dog, hobbies, etc. I took this job for a variety of reasons, none of which I have to explain to you.

7. If I ask for your ID, don't give me grief. Take it as a compliment – I'm saying that you look youthful and fresh. I can get in trouble and lose my job for letting someone under 18 into the store. Don't bitch about how you don't have your ID (I'll have to ask you to leave, sorry) or how you have to go out to your car and walk the terrible 30 feet to get it, and don't ask me to guess how old I think you are. You look like you could be under 18, so show me your ID and I'll leave you alone. If all of your friends show me their ID but you “don't have yours,” I'm going to have to ask you to go outside. Just because all of your friends are 18+ does not mean you are. I know it's a bummer, but it's the rule.

8. And finally, if you are someone who brings your underaged child into the store, you are a failure at parenting and at life.

Thanks, and have a great day.

Your Friendly Adult Store Clerk

[denuseri]

OMFG LMFAO ROF

that was both humorous and ironically probably all to sadly true

[gagged_Louise]

Best rejoinder to customers I've seen since this opening of a review on Amazon (the film in question is Agnes Varda's Vagabond, a stark piece about human freedom) : "Canadiens will undoubtedly shy away from this great film... First, there are no beavers in the movie. Second, one must be able to read subtitles. Third, in this film, wine is preferred to beer."

(the stab at Quebecians who would not be able to understand continental French, because their own variety is a bit different, is especially wicked)

[thepast]

Having worked at an adult store, I can GUARANTEE you that it's all true... and more.
I would like to add this:

Giggling like nervous schoolchildren is fine. But making lewd comments is not. If you don't like a toy, don't buy it--even better, put it back where you found it so I don't have to later. If you picked it up from the demo table, try to refrain from inserting it into yourself--do you know how many other people picked it up before you? But no need to stand there & say "that is just WRONG. Who would BUY that?" because chances are, if we sell it, someone is buying it.

The toys are stapled/taped shut in their containers for a few reason, one of them is to prevent people like you from opening them & then making them unsellable. We don't mind helping you try a few out--but a few doesn't mean ALL of them, and it certainly isn't just so you can giggle and get off on it. So keep your dick in your pants, boys. And let US open the boxes--we closed them, we know how to open them. We also wear gloves. On a side note, we aren't your battery store. We will sell you batteries to the toy, but we aren't going to GIVE them to you.

If you ask for my opinion about a toy & I give it to you, don't act put off. You asked! We sure do sell a variety of toys, from the craptastic to the amazing. Generally, you get what you pay for. Just don't come back a week later holding your $15 vibe, complaining it doesn't work. I told you, the $15 one will break in a week. Remember that conversation?

Speaking of broken toys. If it doesn't say WATERPROOF, it PROBABLY ISN'T. Don't come back the next day with the toy that doesn't work, a scowl & a comment about how it didn't work right in your shower/bathtub/hottub/baby pool/pool/watersports. If it's not waterproof, it's not waterproof. Next time ask. Or better yet, read the box.

On the topic of lubes... sure there are 10000 varieties out there. But there's a reason we only carry certain ones, and even better reasons we don't carry astroglide & KY. $35 is expensive for a bottle of lube that will last 3 months? I guarantee you not as expensive as the $30 co-pay + $20 prescription for that yeast infection you get if you use the wrong lube... or the $150 co-pay at the ER when you melt that silicone toy in your vajayjay because you used the silicone lube (that I told you not to use) with it. Get the right lube. That being said, if you don't, don't come crying to us about it.

On a note about size... if it looks too big for you, it probably is. If you scream like an opera singer sings when you insert that toy, it's not the right size. No shame in going a size down. Shame in going to the ER with the toy wedged up your ass.

If it SOUNDS too good to be true, it probably is. All that stuff up by our registers? Yeah that's there for you, Mr. College Student Always Up & Ready to Go as a gimmick... it isn't for normal men. It doesn't work. Trust me. Or don't-- we get $6 everytime you keep coming in to buy more of the stuff that never works. Hey, we need to make ends meet.

Why do you always ALWAYS forget about common sense? Don't be picking up those crops, slappers, straps, floggers & hitting your SO in my store. If you need assistance, just ask. But we aren't liable for that $150 copay when you hit your SO in the kidney with a toy you don't even know the name of. And no, we don't sell bullwhips. You really still wonder why?

Do I LOOK like I have tried the male penis enhancers or penis pumps? No. And sorry, but neither has my SO so I know nothing about them. All I can tell you is the doctrine of them, but hey, good luck. And no, I won't go into the back & try it with you. Not even for $50. And definitely not for $20.

Re: DVDs, not only have I not seen them all, but I never will. Why? They suck. Really they do. Go join a local BDSM club & go to the monthly dungeons. Much better, authentic porn at less then half the cost. Even better, you might find yourself a girl. But no, I can't really recommend any DVDs except 2, and only 1 of those does this store carry--the other one is just too hardcore for vanilla softees like you.

Men, your woman does NOT want the cheap _________ (lube/toys/lingerie/porn). Get the good stuff, trust me.

My collar on my neck? No, it's not a collar, it's a goth fashion statement. No, really. Would I lie to you? A horny, 50 yr old with a hardon? Would I do that?? Never.

[Kuskovian]

Belly Laughs!!!

[jeanne]

So I'm thinking she may be 'end-of-life' on her adult store clerk career.

Ya think?

Although it was wicked-funny.

[Ozme52]

[denuseri]

<<is still LMFAO every time I read this

[lucy]

ROFLMAO

As for renting movies: A friend worked at the largest movie rental in town, and she daily had customers who would pick exactly the same movie they brought back five minutes ago. And if she failed to tell them (which isn't all that impossible. I mean, who the f*** is able to remember which movie some slob just broght back since they're probably all the same anyway, the slobs and the movies) they sometimes accused her of letting them rent the same movie again. Duh

[gagged_Louise]

Overheard at a video store: "Oh, you're the one who got Henry - Portrait of a Serial Killer instead of La Dolce Vita?"