Quote Originally Posted by damyanti View Post
One of the greatest misconceptions about submissives, and I would dare say the leading reason why we don't tell more people in our "vanilla" life, is that submissives are "weak".
This got me thinking about something my Owner and I have been discussing for a while now.

The popular conception in the vanilla world does seem to be, unfortunately, that submission = being exploited by someone who's a hardass because you are weak, and domination = getting your way all the time by exploiting someone weaker than you because you are a hardass. Or you've got people thinking that subs are all childish wimps who won't act like adults, and doms are all selfish bullies This is what I believe, however:

A submissive needs a great deal of maturity and courage to build the kind of trust necessary to align his/her will with that of the Dom(me). Weak people generally lack both maturity and courage, IMO, and I try to emphasize when talking to vanilla friends that for me, it's about willingly choosing to submit out of love, respect, a desire to serve, and trust that my beloved Owner will maximize my talents and strengths to their fullest extent. I am doing it from a place of strength -- belief in myself as a useful sub, and belief in him as a capable Dom. And he and I both agree that willing submission from someone who is strong is a hell of a lot more valuable than halfassed submission from someone who has no backbone to speak of.

On the other side of things, a Dom(me) must also be mature and courageous enough not only to direct and govern another human being's will, but to take responsibility for the sub's welfare and their personal, possibly spiritual growth as well. This is also not a job for weak, selfish people, and besides, unhappy subs whose needs aren't being met are not going to be able to serve to their fullest capacity. The Dom(me) too needs to be able to trust his/her sub to do what is expected as smoothly and intelligently as possible. Trust is often harder for dominant folks to build than it is for submissives. As I've said I've identified as a switch for years, but being a Domme always felt like a lot more effort -- and less satisfying effort, to be honest -- than being a submissive.

This is not to say that one need be completely mature or unselfish to have a good time being flogged or flogging someone in a dungeon at a play party, though. But while BDSM as erotic activity alone is becoming more acceptable in mainstream society, being "in the life" outside of the bedroom is far less comprehensible, and is where most of the misconceptions lie, I feel.

Caveat: The above is based on my own experience and that of another close friend who is in a similar M/s relationship with his own partner. It is heavily colored by the fact that we're both pretty service-oriented, so YMMV. But I think that many of us can agree that as submissives we can be confident in our own abilities, courageous enough to trust, and mature enough to accept constructive criticism and follow directions, rather than simply weak.