Hello hotblackchick,

Reading your original post I got the impression that you still are struggling to assimilate and understand the myriad of different emotions and feelings which accompany the “awakening” you have experienced. I would strongly agree with Twisted32 - at this point trying to determine whether you are a “slave” or “submissive” isn’t really a priority. Frankly those terms are pretty ambiguous anyway as most people in the lifestyle have their own personal definitions and opinions about what those terms mean. Still I think semantics does have a good deal to do with the issues you are facing. While the term “submissive” gets tossed about as if we all know perfectly well what the other person means when using it, nothing could be further from the truth. I wouldn’t presume to give you advice because I don’t know you, but thought I might offer a few things you could spend time contemplating that might in the end help you to come to terms with the problems you feel have cropped up as a result of your “awakening”.

First, it is quite normal and actually quite common for persons who are actually quite comfortable in filling a very dominant role in the other aspects of life to discover that with respect to the lifestyle, they are submissive. So that in and of itself should not cause you to doubt whether you are submissive. The one thing that brought questions to mind as I read your post was the fact that while you did speak of “needs” and “hunger” you didn’t use those words with respect to feeling a hunger for or need to submit, but used them with regard to the powerful need to have sex. There is at least in my opinion a very great difference between being sexually submissive and being submissive in the sense that that label is used in BDSM which far and away transcends the singular concept of sexual expression.

Many people enjoy being “taken in hand” and filling the submissive role in the bedroom, but that isn’t a factual definition of BDSM lifestyle submission. It can be an aspect of it of course, but far from the whole. If the lifestyle were about nothing more than sex, then it would just be an alternative means of experiencing sex, not a lifestyle at all. It is the dynamics of a power exchange that makes it a lifestyle and two people finding real gratification in that power exchange from the two opposite perspectives of the submission and dominance continuum. Quite often people are ready to label themselves submissive but also very often they aren’t talking about wanting to "serve" a dominant. When push comes to shove, it often turns out what they want is be titillated and have their own sexual wants satisfied, whether it's of any benefit to a dom or not. Service is an integral component of what submission is all about. Serving a dominant is serving the dominant’s needs, not yours. In fact it really doesn't matter whether you like the activity or not, the fact that the dominant benefits from it and is pleased by it is a submissive's reward.

You stated that your husband is “naturally dominant” but stopped short of saying that he fills the role of a Dom for you, again two very different concepts. Also it seemed evident that your relationship pre-dated an interest in D/s and all of this is relatively new to you both. A sobering thing that must be considered is the fact that it is supremely difficult to establish a D/s relationship within an existing relationship because of the simple fact that while both partners might be interested in exploring it, generally one person’s “awakening” tends to be more powerfully felt. Given that only 10% of the general population develops a real interest in this lifestyle, I think that is only to be expected. I do understand that discovering something so exciting and that produces such strong emotions does give rise to feelings of impatience to experience it. But if it is true submission that you feel a need to express and your partner agrees to take control, even in a limited way, and to accept your service, you're ahead of the game. It is quite easy to blow it by pushing. Let things move along at his pace. Be open to questions and ready with additional suggestions, should he ask, but don't try to move him farther or faster than he wants to go. This will only serve to make him less interested and willing to provide what it is you want.

I apologize for the length of this reply, but felt it was important to establish a proper foundation before suggesting that perhaps the issues you are dealing with are not so much D/s issues as simple garden variety relationship issues that all couples face. An event has triggered an increase in libido for you which causes you to crave more sexual gratification and apparently at least at this point, your husband’s libido is an imperfect match for yours. I’m aware that rather than solutions what I offer here is likely only more to consider than you already face, but I think the best you can manage at this point, is to give serious consideration to what you mean when you say submission is important to you. Then try as best you can to temper feelings of impatience and above all keep the communication channels open with your husband. Hopefully together you can work towards a solution that meets both your needs and his. Good luck!

Kindest regards,
In2kink