And who is in control here?

Sounds to me like you've got a sub who calls the shots... and while that works for some... it sounds like you're miserable.

Rereading the last bit, you're mad at yourself for not remaining calm... and of course, that likely further saps any remaining perspective of you being dominant in her eyes.

Take a hard look at yourself and determine if you're angry at her or angry at yourself. If the former, talk to her and tell her what she has to do to resume the relationship (assuming she wants to AND that you want it to resume,) but if you're angry at yourself... in my opinion, you've already made that determination and you really don't want it to resume... (despite your intellectual perspective that you need to try.)

That said, only you can really know your mind and heart. We just see the small part you've shared... and we extrapolate that into our own personal contexts. Our answers are biased by our own contexts.

But it's a great opportunity to really examine your own context and make a decision you won't come to rue.