There are so many ways to answer this question, so many subtleties that cause different folks to be drawn to different personalities. However, I think one of the largest contributing factors to your dilemma is simply that meeting other Lifestyle people and potential Lifestyle partners often happens in Lifestyle settings, whether online or in real life.

"Well, duh," I can hear you saying, "it's not like we just ask the person we flirted with in line at Starbucks whether or not they wanna spank us - of course we go seek fellow kinksters out in community settings!"

But think for a minute what that does to the initial dynamic of a relationship... When we go to a site such as this one we aren't popping our heads in the door to find a knitting partner - maybe we do make friends above and beyond the BDSM dynamic, I know I sure have, but Lifestyle discussion/fantasy/play/info is what we're here for first and foremost and when we meet a new Dom/me or sub we have the tendency to see them as that role first and as whole people only later on down the road.

A lot of people are here for play and fantasy, and it isn't necessary for them to get to know others deeply or be known themselves, they simply want the stereotype of their fantasy.