I think you are asking all the right questions, and they are really more about yourself than about other people. Please learn how to navigate the site and how to post your own comments on threads (individual comments are called "posts"), and then please read all you can. If you choose to engage in individual conversations with people, I would strongly urge you to speak to many people, get many perspectives, and not rush into online "play" or any kind of commitments until you have gotten your bearings. Should you decide to meet someone in person, please research how to do this in the safest manner possible.

With regard to the sadist dom then: A lot of what people do in the realm of bdsm involves what is called "power exchange". It's what it sounds like. You, as the submissive, CHOOSE to cede a certain amount of your autonomy over your experience to another person, the dominant, and he or she CHOOSES to accept that. You and s/he NEGOTIATE the limits of that exchange, its duration in time (just for one "scene" or for your whole lives, or anything in between) and the extent of the power that you are ceding.

This means that if you don't want to experience pain, you don't have to. You are not granting the other person the power to hurt you. If you want to experience some kinds of pain but not others, that's up to you too. You negotiate these things in advance, when you still have equal power, so that once your scene begins you can both enjoy the fact that, WITHIN THE BOUNDARIES THAT YOU HAVE NEGOTIATED, you are no longer in control of your experience. But you do have the power, at any time and even if you are a "slave", to end the power exchange. You have given your consent to it and you can withdraw your consent at any time. This is what safe words are for.

So this sadism that frightens you is just another way that someone can exercise the power over your experience that you have given to him or her. Some people enjoy the actual infliction of pain, and some people enjoy receiving it. Other people use pain as a symbol of the control that the Dom/me has, and the acceptance of that pain as a symbol of your submission to him or her. But these aren't the only ways to symbolize the power exchange. It can be done by, for example, controlling your behavior (what you wear and how you speak), by casting you in the role of a social inferior (a youngster or a servant), by causing you to feel certain emotions (helplessness, humiliation). There's an extensive menu at this restaurant, so please don't feel that if one thing doesn't appeal to you, then there's nothing there for you. Sample carefully, take small tastes, and you'll find what you like.

But I can't stress enough: No one is an expert. Even if you feel that you're a sub, and I know that you want to exhibit respect for the Doms you meet, you need to decide what makes sense for you. Please don't let anyone tell you what's right for you, or that you're not a "real" sub if you don't do this or that. A "real" Dom will extend you the courtesy of respecting your needs.

- L.