Cold Shower


It was a really stupid idea. In my defense I can only say that I cannot stand braggarts, and male chauvinist braggarts really rile me up. Before you think that these are the ramblings of a mad woman, let me start at the beginning.

I went to a party that Friday; well, it wasn’t much of a party, only 7 people. Alone, like so many other times. It is not easy being a successful career woman. It is even harder if you are half Puerto Rican half Chinese. On one side there are the Puerto Rican, who think that anyone with a pussy is a legal target, and Oh, by the way, it’s OK if I (The guy) is married, I can have a few bits on the side, but if my girlfriend even so much as looks at another guy, I’ll give her the biggest black eye this side of San Juan. On the other the Chinese; they might not fool around so much, but they are no fun at all, so focused on their careers and the pursuit of the American dream, they have no time for a woman. Not for a Chinese-Puerto Rican at any rate; no they want pure bred Caucasian. Then there are the Americans, they have a different stereotype, if you are Oriental, they think you are the “Me so horny” congai from “Full Metal Jacket” or the subservient “Geisha to Go” girl from Channel J. Bottom line, I went alone; as usual.

You should never drink alone. Moreover, you should never drink alone at a party; and if the drink they are serving at the party is Lemoncello, right from the freezer, straight up on a Martini glass, you should immediately run for cover; or home, whichever is nearest.

So; we have established that I went to this party, and I was drinking Lemoncellos. For those of you who aren’t sophisticated enough, a Lemoncello is a drink from Italy, which should be outlawed immediately. It is made by steeping lemon rinds in Vodka, adding sugar, and probably Ruffies for all I know.

So, in the middle of the party, this guy, Jose, a Puerto Rican from San Juan, and also a total Nerd, whom I never even met before, starts off in a rant about why women cannot play chess. He was probably intoxicated, and took off in a rant about Freud, and how winning at chess would not get girls closer to screwing their fathers, or something like that. Now, I am a pretty decent chess player, I could beat my dad, years ago, back in San Juan, and yes, I had had too many Lemoncellos. So I called him up on it. I told him I could beat his ass. I hadn’t played for years, but I figured, what the hell. I could beat him. He was a braggart.

I am not sure how we set the bet up. Loser to be the winner’s sex slave for the evening. I knew I could take this loud asshole. I picked up two pawns. One white, the other black, hid them in my hands. He picked white.

He plays PK4 and so do I. Then he plays KNB3; how original, I respond QNB3, to which he answers B4B, so do I, The Italian game. Then the surprise, 4:PQN4 Well this is going to be easy, BXNP.

I saw him smile at this point. Then I realized my error. The Evans gambit! I had taken it, but I did not know this opening! He gives me more material, a second pawn, and then another. I try to castle, to get my king out of the center, where he is vulnerable, but I cannot. He is ahead in material, I have two pawns on him, but he is now pressing his attack, I desperately try to defend my King’s bishop pawn, but he’s got his bishop lined up against it; then his queen comes out. I haven’t been able to develop any of my queen’s side men. By turn 18, the game is a foregone conclusion. Checkmate.

I sobered up in a nanosecond. I stared at the board. I could not believe this. Nobody plays chess anymore. How could this nerd beat me?

He smiled, winked, and said “Arizona, High school champion 2003”

Groan.

So here I am. Down in the basement. Tied to an X bamboo frame; a cross bar across the top of the X serves as a convenient gag too. Jose is nothing if not efficient. I hate engineers.

My hands are tied behind my back with hemp rope. He tied rope around my chest, above and below my size B tits. Then he snipped off the fabric around my tits. Well it was a cheap white tee anyway. It could be worse. This is uncomfortable, but not painful.
Damn stupid nerd. Doesn’t even know what to do with a defenseless woman.

Suddenly, out of the blue, a flood of ice-cold water falls on me. I scream. I try to get out of the ice cold flood, but I am firmly tied to the bamboo frame. The hemp ropes getting tighter. I scream louder. I look down, my nipples, erect, as if I was excited, rather than freezing.

The ice cold deluge ends. I look up at Jose. He is laughing his ass off. He unties me, and hands me a towel and a white T-shirt. Then he leaves.

Damn Nerds!