Quote Originally Posted by kurious25 View Post
I agree with what denu says, but also would like to offer some knowledge gained from my own struggles. I have a medical condition that is cyclical in nature, similar to what you describe. I have plenty of time where I'm fine, but there are also times where I'm weak and run-down. When I'm at my most sick and feel most vulnerable it is very hard to do anything that enforces vulnerability or weakness. I know that I need to be strong to get through the rough patches, to fight on the days when I want to curl-up in bed and not move. It is a bit of a conformational bias....if I do not act weak or vulnerable then I must not be weak or vulnerable.

For you I suggest you figure out why it is that you need to be strong, is it a lack of trust, or a need to view yourself as being strong or in control. Knowing what drives your behavior is the first step, then you can talk it out with your Master and discover what will work for both of you.

Good luck with everything - kuri
Well said kuri,

I have days where i go through the exact same thing. I had depression for most of my life and had to be 'strong' and 'in control' to get through it. Now though, even though the depression has gone I still have off days where i can barely even look at my Dom, let alone speak to him.

For me, (as denuseri said) its a trigger thing, when I feel run down I immediately go to the depressive place and my mind makes me defensive and controlled and strong, not much help when you're a sub. The only way I can handle it is by just letting it wash over me for a while and then when its needed I go to my dom and we sort it out from there (if anything needs sorting that is)

I'm sorry i've not been much help, i'm just trying to let you know you aren't alone.

Good luck, i hope you sort things out.

lily xx