death of your sub/slave

[socal_dan]

I've had three deaths of people very close to me, my best friend in high school, my wife, and one of the girls I was in a band with. I'll relate all three of them to you so you can try and understand where I'm coming from.

My friend Kelly, we all called her Kiwi, or Peaches, was abused and molested as a teen, by her father. When she was 17 she ran away from home, dropped out of school, and disappeared. We'd been close, we'd been through a lot of teen drama and coming of age bullshit together while we'd been in school together, and had a lot of history watching out for each other. I ran into her a couple of months after she'd left home. She'd spent her time away from the house squatting with friends and moving from place to place every few days, sleeping under a bridge when she had nowhere to stay... so I let her stay at my place, explained what was going on to my mother and let her have the couch for about 6 months.

A couple of weeks before we turned 18, we decided to go out one night, around midnight. I think it was a Sunday night, but I'm not really sure... it could have been a Tuesday for all I remember. Anyway, we stopped at a gas station to buy some drinks and have a couple of cigarettes, since we were hoofing it a couple of miles to go meet up with some buddies of ours.

Well, we got picked up for curfew sitting outside this gas station. Cops called her dad and made her go home. A couple of weeks go by, I called her up for her birthday (11/18, a week before mine), and things ended up ugly between me, her, and her dad. A few more weeks go by, and on the 21st of December I get a call at 3am. She's freaking out, screaming at me, and crying about killing herself... I've got her on the phone, I'm trying to get pants on, and and *BAM*, gunshot.

I fucking flipped. I hit 140 on four lane road and blew through every light on the way to her house, cops in tow... I don't know what the hell I was thinking, I don't actually remember anything between hearing the gun go off, and breaking into her room.

The sad part about this is that I never got to deal with it. Because of the estranged relationship I had with her family after she was sent home, I didn't go to the funeral. I'm not even sure where she's buried.

My coping mechanism for that was to run away, from everything. I spent most of the next year avoiding as much human contact as possible, in the most remote places I could get to.
--

Next death was my wife. I was 19, my two best friends found out what I was up to and came to pull me back into life. They talked me into coming back, getting back into the band we'd had going, getting my shit back together. So I came back. When I got back I found out one of the girls in the band was going to England, indefinitely. I was caught in this precarious place where I didn't want to find somebody new, and I didn't want to do it without her... I also had a special kind of relationship with this girl, not romantic, but almost like there was a real bond between us... so I talked the entire band into following her there.

We'd been in England for a few months when I was walking around town one day and saw this girl singing a solo, a capella, in a choir group. Most amazing voice I've ever heard... when I introduced myself I managed to make a complete ass of myself. Not even in a way that could be made funny, just bad.

Fortunately I got the chance to make it up to her, got some of her friends to bring her to a show we were playing at, and brought her up on stage to play for her. We went out that night after the show, I bailed on the band, merch, the after party, everything to go walk through London with this chick. And I fell head over heals in love with everything about her.

I only dated Fiona for a few months before we got married. It was quick, it was right. I still don't feel like I was being young and stupid... I can't explain the feeling of rightness I had about doing it. There wasn't anything about her that wasn't completely amazing. We were married for just over three years.

We were wrapping up a set of gigs on the other side of the country, and she'd been at her parents for a family get together. I called her up before the show, talked for a little while. I told her how much I missed her, that I wished she was there that night, and I couldn't wait to see her. I guess she got the idea that she'd drive out and surprise me by showing up after the show. She was in a severe car wreck on the way out, and instead of seeing my wife after the show I was told she was in the hospital in Swindon.

I was perfectly fine... scared, but in control of myself... until we got there, and I saw her. Severe head trauma, facial damage, she was on life support, but already brain dead. And I completely lost it.

The next year of my life is a complete haze. I just kind of wandered through the day to day stuff. All of the passion I'd had for music went away. I stopped taking care of myself. I just didn't care about anything.

That was about four years ago, and I still haven't had a serious relationship since. Until very recently I haven't even wanted to start dating again. Obviously, here I am,and I am looking again... but that's not all I have to say about this.

I came back to the states after Fiona died. I didn't want to be in England anymore, I didn't want to keep the house we had in Italy. I just didn't want that life anymore, I wanted to start over. The only two things in life I've ever liked doing were my marriage and music, but I couldn't see myself in a band and never at home again, so I switched to playing classical guitar (oh god that was hard, it was like learning to play all over again). I went back to school for it, and worked my ass off... playing now gives me this place where all of this goes away. Where I'm not thinking about any of my problems, and I can't even think about them.

A little less than two years ago I got a call from my band mate's parents. This is the girl I followed halfway around the world to be with... they told me she'd died. Massive heroin overdose, it was probably intentional.

It's hard to explain the relationship I had with this girl. We weren't ever involved. We had a one night fling before she left for the UK... before I'd made the decision to go... but it wasn't romantic in that way, it was more like saying goodbye. The way we were with each other, was almost like twins. Like we shared something very special that the rest of the world wasn't a part of. Even in my marriage, I wasn't "connected" with my wife in the same way I was with her. Something could happen, or I'd see something, or whatever, and I could tell you -exactly- what she would have thought about it, and vice versa. One of the reasons we worked so well on stage together is because we could be doing something, and I'd know exactly what she was doing before she did it; during a solo, or improv, jam session, anything, I was never surprised by anything she did. It was literally like sharing my head with somebody.

I wasn't even surprised when she killed herself. When I found out I just felt sad, and then it was gone, and I didn't feel sad anymore.

That's three people that were very close to me, and very important in my life, that I've seen pass away. I couldn't have told you before any of them happened how I'd react to it. I certainly wouldn't have predicted my reactions to any of them.

I thought I would have been far more rational about a friend dying when Kiwi shot herself.
I thought I would have been a lot more composed if (when) Fiona died -- instead I just collapsed and cried, and couldn't do anything.
I thought, or would have thought, that my mate dying would have been a lot more painful than it was.

So I don't think it's possible for someone to tell you how they'll react to the death of a loved one until it happens and they've been through it. Every death is different, and every one affects you differently. I don't even think its possible to know how you're going to handle yourself after that kind of loss.