Need a little advice please...

[playfulkitty9]

I was just wondering if anyone had any ideas on how to start a conversation about what I need. Currently, I'm in a relationship that doesn't allow for vanilla or kinky activities all the time. We are only together a few days every so often, even though he is local. We have a great online communication when he is away, but when he comes home, its like everything we said online isn't relevant and the relationship changes dynamic.

The other night, I felt the need to be tied up. Some emotional things had happened during the day and despite my fear, I asked to be tied. I didn't ask for much, just a rope around my wrists. Suffice it to say, the evening did not go as I had hoped. I did get tied, but I escaped quite easily. And that was the end of my bondage. We talked for a little about what I was needing and feeling, but the night ended there. I tried again a little later to explain my need to be bound and didn't get much of a response.

This was slightly unusual for him. He usually will ask questions about what's going on in my head. For some reason, that night it wasn't even close to being like that. I've decided to try again to talk to him about what I need and why I need it. Any advice you all have would be greatly appreciated. I am not one to discuss things a lot and certainly not one to lead a conversation. Even just a starting point would help me out greatly.

Thank you in advance!!
Kitty

[denuseri]

You could start by mabey also asking him what he needs as well.

[Ozme52]

Exactly. Good point and perspective denu.

I was not present, I have no perspective on the dynamic of the evening, let alone of the relationship... but consider this... if you had set aside your apparent immediate needs and focused on his instead, his needs, his wishes, his desires...

• Might your needs, caused by those "emotional things (that) had happened during the day" have also been met if you had only focused your entire being on him?
• Might you have felt very good about yourself seeing his pleasure, seeing to his needs, vanilla, kinky, or even non-sexual met and exceeded?
• Might being told you were a good (and attentive) girl been just as satisfying as being bound... and
• Might he have chosen to tie you up for his own pleasure if only he had the choice rather than the "obligation" created by your having asked?

It's hard to be dominant if you are directed to be so.

That which you need from him the most... evaporates the moment you demand it.

[playfulkitty9]

Ozme,

I see your point. However, it wasn't a demand. I simply asked and accepted whatever he chose to do. My point was that we weren't playing, we weren't in a scene, he wasn't being dominant. We are still in the middle of figuring out each other and by asking for something that I needed at that moment, I was letting him know more about me.

And no, words would not have made the night easier and my submission more fulfilling.

[Ozme52]

And yet, asking and not getting was a failure on his part? How is it not a demand (or if you prefer, a command.)

You might not have been in a scene... but you certainly wanted to start one. If not... then why did you need to discuss it at that moment and not days earlier or days later? The differences amid information sharing, negotiating, and in-scene topping are all about the timing.

I'm not saying don't have that conversation. I'm saying it doesn't work when what you want is to begin a scene. Postrating oneself is a far more effective way to express need... and if it doesn't work out the way you want... well, can't be submissive AND in control. Better to be a dominant and teach your sub to be a rope top in service to you.

And no, words would not have made the night easier and my submission more fulfilling.

Perhaps words would not be enough, but my point was that each of those bullets can lead to the next.

I know that when my girl sits at my feet I often react, dragging her to a place convenient to using her.

[Ozme52]

One more thing about rope...

Many subs have no idea how much emotional energy it can take to apply oneself to the binding of their submissive. All those feelings you receive being bound... they flow from the dom.

All the more reason to make sure the dominant's needs have been addressed first.

[flying66]

Oz always has good answers, though I'm getting a very 'split-personality' type of vibe from your description.

Have you talked to him about how he seems very different irl than he does online? Mention this to him... you feel like he changes personality when he's not online and you'd really like to act out those 'fantasies' he creates with you online on the bdsm front.

Communication is key in relationships, especially on the bdsm side of things; tell him what you told us about how you feel.

[My Masters Toy]

Maybe the situation could be better communicated. Subs usually do something to deserve something, sometimes doing something the sparks the moment will get a result. I know that if my Master catches me playing around it sets her into the mood really easy and I essentually get the attention desrved. For every action there's a reaction and that pretty much applies to everything in life. Attitude is everthing. I can't remember how many times I've been tied to the door and whipped and in every case I asked for it. I have gotten to know my Master very good and am very careful of what I ask for without asking. Hope everything works out for you and any of the mumbo-jumbo above can help.

[fetishdj]

Ozme,

I see your point. However, it wasn't a demand. I simply asked and accepted whatever he chose to do. My point was that we weren't playing, we weren't in a scene, he wasn't being dominant. We are still in the middle of figuring out each other and by asking for something that I needed at that moment, I was letting him know more about me.

And no, words would not have made the night easier and my submission more fulfilling.

You asked and I'm afraid, in manspeak, when a woman 'asks' we usually translate this as 'you better do this now or I'll not shut up about it for hours'. Its the same reaction to comments like 'Oh, you are thinking of wearing that shirt?' which obviously means 'I hate that shirt with a passion, it makes you look fat and the colour clashes with my handbag. Take it off and put on one of the approved shirts or else.'

You may not be aware of this, but this is how men interpret 'womanspeak' a lot of the time. You may not even have intended this intepretation but it is something that is ingrained into the male psyche. The trouble is that men also often respond to this strategy with reluctance - we do what you want because we know we'll never hear the end of it (even if that is not the case, we are talking irrational ingrained responses here...) but we don't have to like it.

Plus, ask yourself this... say you were not in the mood for BDSM and he was. How would you feel if he demanded BDSM? Ok, as a sub you may feel obliged and even happy to obey his orders but probably not as much as if you were 'in the mood'. In order to 'do the job properly' you both have to be in the mood otherwise you will end up with a half arsed effort that feels lacklustre.

Maybe what you, as a sub, need to start doing is thinking about his needs more practically. If you want him to perform, make sure he is relaxed and ready for action. Rather than asking to be tied, try to make the evening on which you want bondage to be as relaxing as possible - make him a nice dinner, offer him a massage, make sure that you are there for him to do with as he wills. The service may help waylay your own feelings from a bad day and, if you make him happy enough, he may oblige with some bondage.

[jeanne]

I know that when my girl sits at my feet I often react, dragging her to a place convenient to using her.

Yay!