The unfortunate reality is that if you get enough people together, some will be predators, some will be paragons, and most will be somewhere in the middle. This site is no different.

I suspect you are running into bad doms. Or rather, that they are running into you. If they are like that with you, it is possible (even probable) that they have done the same thing with other subs, hurting them and burning bridges in the past. So they will be on the lookout for new subs.

Ultimately, it comes down to this; the online environment allows for people to conceal their true nature, intent, and personality. So they can make all the right noises at all the right times, but when it comes to the crunch, they jump ship. And start looking for someone else...

That said, it's the same in real life.

Now, all that assumes they are not the nicest people. But let us extend these hypothetical doms the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they Just Don't Get It. People generally do what they think is right, at least at the time.

They may actually truly believe in what they're saying and that they have done their utmost. The problem is, it hasn't worked *for you*. Obviously that has made you feel bad, but hopefully that was not their intent.

There is no one-size-fits-all, One True Way approach to BDSM, just as there is no single avenue that always works in any situation. Just what works for the two people involved. If it's not working, it's not working. And yes, you have every right to say "This isn't what I'm looking for, thank you, goodbye." Just as you would in real life, were you dating someone it wasn't working out with, for example.

The problem that creeps in where you talk about them saying "a real sub" is one part submissive psychology- the desire to please- and one part manipulation, because you want to be a "real sub." If you allow them to define what a "real sub" is... well. You're in for strife. Because if it isn't in you to be what they think is a "real sub", you will twist yourself in knots trying to remake yourself in that image. It won't work.

As far as "focused on your own pleasure" goes... good grief. This is real life, not a story. Or movie, where the fantasy of having complete control and a totally pliable partner is what is being sold. At the end of the day, it is a relationship like any other. If it is to be long-term, or even worthwhile, there is going to have to be compromise.

Especially at first, while you explore what you do and do not like. It pays to go slow.

I would recommend that you ask future pursuers to spend some time just getting to know you- exchange e-mails, chat either through text or voice programs, exchange stories and videos you like or find interesting, and so on rather than attempting to scene straight away. Build a bit of a friendship first, sort of thing.

I hope you have better luck in the future.