Miringko returned with two large silver bowls.

“Remove their plugs.”(.) Only one full stop here

Kailya felt the woman push her forward so she was on all fours before the slave trainer. She gasped as the large dildo that was lodged up her ass was swiftly removed.

“Miringko, you should see her face, priceless,” Gauri mocked the Galadrian.

Kailya winced as her abused ass slowly closed, then another sensation returned to her: she hadn’t eaten much yesterday but Khalim’s last deposit of cum was now pooling at her asshole -- she really needed the toilet. Avoid chain sentences.

“I need the toilet.” Repetition, try "I have to step out...!"

Nahid and the other two slaves laughed loudly.

“Oh you can do better than that slave, come on beg for it.”

“Please I need the toilet.”

Nahid motioned, (looks better that way, in my opinion) and Kailya winced as Miringko flicked the leather strips across her wide ass.

“The correct term is: 'Please mistress master’s worthless slave begs to drop her shit.'”

Kailya glared at her.

“Please mistress, master’s worthless slave begs to drop her shit,” she angrily mouthed the demeaning words.

Nahid laughed again and drank some fruit juice.

“Very well slave, since you asked so nicely, squat over the bowel.”

Kailya’s eyes widened with shock. That woman couldn’t be serious!

“I... , please allow me to use the toilet.”

The four pleasure slaves and their mistress burst into laughter.

“You are truly funny, slave, I haven’t seen such arrogance in a long time. Training you is going to be most entertaining.”

Nahid pulled her slave chain, Kailya winced and desperately tightened her asshole.

The black woman’s cat eyes bored into the matriarch: “Only the faithful of Kalashite, free woman, use toilets, slaves squat like the filthy animals they are. Now, animal, drop your shit, or I will cane your asshole until you do.”(,)

Kailya gulped, the fierce woman was not joking, she closed her eyes in shame and squatted over the bowel.

“Very good, pheew smell that girls.” Either "[...] smell that, girls!" or "[...] smell that girl!"


“The cow stinks! Make her use the common bowl by the corral,” Gauri smirked nastily.(”)

“Hmm, perhaps if she doesn’t behave herself.”

“Is that master’s cum? Ungrateful whore,” Gauri snarled jealously raising her whip. (A comma could be placed either before or behind "jealously", indicating to which verb the adverb belongs. "Jealously raising" may appear a little bit odd, but is a proper construction.)

“Gauri, control yourself. Ashara was telling me how loudly the bitch wailed when he fucked her ass; he will tire of her soon.”

“Cow doesn’t like it up the ass?” the Dravithian smirked. She ran a hand down to her tight ass and tapped it playfully. “Master loves fucking his bitches up the ass, he’s going to throw this white cow onto the street before the end of the month.” The two older slaves laughed together.

“Now your turn, slave six, and please resist -- that tight ass is begging for a good caning.”

Chandra glared at the women and for the fiftieth time struggled against the well constructed steel chains.

Kailya eyed the trainer down.

“Just do it, Chandra.”

“Silence! Her name is slave six. If you talk to her again without my permission, I will discipline you,” Nahid snapped.

The trainer held Kailya gaze as the two older slaves slapped Chandra’s ass laughingly before pushing the bowl beneath her. Chandra swore by Nustress she would make Farouk pay for this.

“Very good, slave, I will make fucktoys (Why plural? She addresses only one slave.) out of you yet. Now enough, it is time for their dinner. Bring the bowls!” Nahid commanded.





Due to the general setting I tend to label this passage "serious" instead of "light". But it is not graphic and explicit enough to be "scatology". Just risk that lighter reader could be crossed about and during two or three sentences.

Some words about your grammar: If direct speech is followed by an attributive phrase and does not end with an exclamation mark or a question mark, a comma parts speech and phrase.

“Is that master’s cum? Ungrateful whore,” Gauri snarled jealously raising her whip.

If the direct speech ends with a full stop, then there is no need for a second one behind the closing quotation mark.

(A counterexample you may find here:

http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/sh...-thing-I-wrote...

I wasn’t able to think for long before “It wasn’t a suggestion slut. Come here.".

In this special case, the direct speech including full stop is a quoted/heard phrase.)

If you want to use longer sentences, structure them by means of commas as well as semicolons and emdashes (here symbolised as " -- ").

Place blank lines before and after direct speech, for this increases the readability on screen.



That are the main points. Nothing that belittle the story itself. I have to say that I liked what I have read.