The Chase - Silke

[Silke]

'k folks, it's my first bit of writing and I'm dying for some feedback...

The Chase


I can almost feel its breath on my neck now, it’s closing in on me. Sheer terror keeps my feet thundering through the thicket. The pain from the branches cutting into my bare legs has long faded into the back of my mind like the music at a party that you don’t hear anymore after a while. I have been running for so long it seems like an eternity, fighting the tiredness, fighting the pain and fighting the fear that threatens to eat my soul. An endless flow of different shades of green melting into one another forms the boundaries of my field of vision, leaning in on me, like solid walls of leaves and branches threatening to swallow me, biting into my skin with razor sharp teeth, unseen wooden hands breaking through the ground grabbing at my feet. The wood is on its side and I’m nothing but prey, the kind that the cat plays with for entertainment before the fangs dig into it for that final bite that almost comes as a relief. I can taste the stale flavour of fear on my tongue, mingling with the blood that’s still flowing from my broken nose, a souvenir from low hanging branch. It’s not fear but death, I hear the mocking voice of the creature echo in my mind. It’s been talking to me ever since I stepped into its territory. When was that? I can’t remember anymore. The world I used to know is fading from my memory as if it was only a sweet dream.

Every breath I try to take feels like someone piercing my lungs with a dagger, my vision blurred to a narrow tunnel of green and all I can hear is the loud roar of the blood rushing through my head. “This is it, the end of the chase is finally here”, I think with a feeling of…relief?...as my legs are starting to give way and my world turns upside down and then – for the first time – stands still. I’m panting, desperately trying to get some air into me and painfully sucking in the earthy smell of the moss tickling my nose. Are you ready, my love? I slowly look up and meet my predator’s eyes for the first time, tears flowing freely down my face and I can see the triumphant look in its eyes. It has broken me. I turn away closing my eyes to the horrifying sight of the beast and in an almost inaudible whisper I say ‘yes’, waiting for that final blow, fangs tearing into my skin, anything. The tension is unbearable, but everything around me stays quiet and when I open my eyes again...

...I’m alone.

[Aesop]

Damn that was good. I had no trouble picturing your chase through the woods. Your imagery was mostly very good, I will say I think you had one awkward simile at the beginning: "The pain from the branches cutting into my bare legs has long faded into the back of my mind like the music at a party that you don’t hear anymore after a while."

A great image, but I think you could possibly write the sentence a different way to make is sound less awkward. Perhaps: "The pain from the branches biting into my bare legs has long faded to the same place that background music at a party does." Or something like that.

It's been my experience (as a reader) that metaphors are more powerful than similies so you may want to look over your similies and see if they could be better as a metaphor. They may not be, but it can never hurt to check.

Please don't take this feedback negatively. I love your writing Silke and will be sending you your next assignment soon.

[Silke]

Thank you so much for your feedback. I guess I'll have to look into some of the basic stylistic tools again...it's been a looong time since I used any of them conciously.

I knew this would be a great place to learn and polish up on my writing skills. I'm looking forward to the next assignment.

[TheKnothead]

goosebumps....you gave me goosebumps

wow!

[Silke]

Thanks! Reading that piece again I get goosebumps myself, lol. No idea where that came from...it doesn't feel like I wrote it at all. *shudders*

[Talia]

Missed this before...this was great..

[Silke]

Thanks, SB.