Originally posted by abitbent
when you realized that it was something you could not ignore, and you found yourself at the crossroads
This year it dawned on me that there was a reason why people flitted in and out of relationships, going the the same cycles only to come through stumbling blocks..if these can be resolved then all well and fine..but if people couldn't evolve..then forget it..so one of those people was me, or me with 'unevolving' person or people. It wasn't until I reached a hiatus that I thought, and thought.. I just took out a pen and notepad and jotted down common things..things that jumped out at me..

There were times were I would plunge into something..without discussing it beforehand.. those were the late teens early twenties.. sex sex and more sex but without any forethought.
But even from those times I noticed various elements that appealed to me..now I'm not a sargeant major in 'bed' or anything like that.I can be verbal not in a nagging way..I would either be with someone at the time and express a certain curiosity, suggest trying something new..whether it be the man ripping off my clothes or being more forceful say.. or even if it was trying a new sexual position.. and depending on the person, I would be met with the attitude of 'are you fucking serious?'..not all the time, but the times I was met with 'okay'.. the people wouldn't be able to reconcile with their 'darker' desires..and couldn't look at me in the eye again therafter.. and eventually they would end up in 'traditional' relationship roles with women that were 'traditional' and then I'd be made aware of the fact that these men would seek extra curricular 'sex' - and I'm not into being anyones mistress or fucking married men.. there is karma and it comes back to bite a person in the ass eventually..

So these relationships didn't progress, and it would be difficult because many people might show they are relaxed with sex and all matters sexual, but they might have a 'madonna/whore' complex..(something which I've come across many times)..

My female friends for example, might try a 'new sex' position after a few months..and make a big deal out of it. Example : 'Oh guess what we tried doggy style last night!!!'..and I'd be 'okayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy'.. simply because in one night I assume just 'one' of the various positions will be doggy anyway? lol..

This year it was definite arrival to the crossroads when I was with a guy and for the first time I had that 'need to escape after sex' urge..something males usually experience? lol.. but one month previously all was well.. met, talked, went out.. discussed the 'sex' thing.. where I expressed a liking for a man to be dominant at times but this wasn't explored fully as it was too early to initiate things in this way..intially people explore one another - that was what was discussed... his idea however was something that varied with my idea.. so when it did get to fooling around time it basically involved him doing the ass slap a few times..or being completely selfish (as there was no previous discussion in 'detail') to even 'dare' to 'try' and hold me in place for fellatio by 'trying' once again to utilise pressure points (wrongly) on my shoulder/neck region.. so all up it was a disaster...not so much for the 'sex' but the attitude that came after that..the double standard issue came..which I don't want to get into..but I thought at my age I didn't need mind games, okay it was hurtful and I did experience a few moments where I just couldn't believe how inconsiderate people could be.

The reason of being at a crossroads is that I know what I 'desire', however at the same time I also am aware that having 'mediocre' sex is something I don't want to have..together with this is the fact that one never knows that they will have mediocre sex or whether the person they are with transforms into a complete 'slob' in bed or whether they transform into a 'snob' after it happens..and for many years I would be the ' why not take a risk' person..but now I'm not that type of person anymore.. but at the same time I'm not the type to settle for 'whatever is on today's menu' either.

so it's not an issue of me struggling with the lifestyle in itself..but me struggling with desires that are not seen as being 'conventional', being aware of those desires, not differentiating them-because I don't see them as being 'weird', people seeing them as 'straight out weird', and relationships being a complete 'balls up' because of this..even when there has been 'discussion'..Im happier now as I have fully become aware of 'me' and have realised what I truly want..before I would get 'lost' in other peoples' moments and forget about 'me'..
I feel more comfortable now with myself.. and I don't necessarily 'need' to have a person there just to validate myself as an individual, if a person crosses my path all fine..but if not..that's all fine as well.