Can anyone help me?

[Tojo]

Now I've got the flu SID, so haven't got the energy to read all the posts on this thread...

A point though, from my own experience- D/s is not about being heartless & cruel. To me it's a way of caring for & loving someone that goes beyond the usual 'straight' sex.

My own experience translates into really getting to know someone, & finding out how to touch their soul. To give a girl an experience she'd never find anywhere else. To start of slowly & gently, for her to be in control & for it to be for her pleasure- not mine.

You'll find many many people go along with those very sentiments.

I too thought D/s & BDSM was all about violence & cruelty, in fact some people in the scene no doubt believe that. It doesn't seem to be the general rule.

Perhaps if you can look at it from that point of view you may find it easier to accept.

Check out www.submissiveloving.com

Oh, & it's also meant to be fun!

Tojo

[Ruby]

Welcome SID.

It sounds like you are dealing with a number of issues:

1. Guilt
2. Embarrassment
3. Trust

All of these can be worked through over time.

If you enjoy being his submissive and he enjoys being your dom,
then your ready to take on each issue one at a time.

Do put a name to what you are feeling and let him know that
these are the issues you are combating.

Do take a good look at yourself, now, as an adult and
ask if there is any reason to hold onto those issues?

I'm also going to venture out on a limb here that these issues have many layers. There is not only the matter of trusting him, but of trusting yourself.

Ask yourself what type of submissive you'd like to be for him? As in, do you only want to be the submissive when you play? Is a phrase or trigger, something that will help you step into this role?

Is he doing anything to increase or decrease the issues you are dealing with?

There is some wonderful reading material in here and on places others have posted. Part of the key is in giving yourself permission to be and act how you want, even if it doesn't fit into your upbringing.

I'm not talking about leaving toys on the floor, or dressing like a slut when the parents come to visit, but in those personal moments with your hubby, the two of you should be able to have fun how you choose.

About letting him visit this site and seeing what you've written: go for it.

It doesn't mean you have to share every private PM you receive or give him your username and password.

To your success at no longer being,
a Sub in Denial

Ruby

PS

Feel free to PM me anytime, too.

PSS

Tojo, hope you are feeling better, soon.

[cariad]

Have you read Aesop's 'Tips for Beginners' http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=4529

It may help to clear up some other simple misconceptions, without you even having to ask the questions.

cariad

p.s. Dear mods - would it be an idea to move this thread to the BDSM life section?

[SeX-FiENd]

Now I do believe that I just cannot pass this oportunity of sharing my two bits into this thread.
SID let me introduce myself and welcome you.
I too was raised Catholic. I was also in a 8 year relationship with a man, and married to him for 5 years. I was 21 when I met him and very closed off and reserved about my sexuality. When I told him that I thought I was a lesbian a year after we were dating he cried. It was the first and ONLY time I ever saw him cry. But was grateful that we were still together. The longer our relationship went on the more I started to share. I won't lie to you some of the things I told him made him stare at me like I grew another head. Which sent me closing my mouth, and full of embaressement. We split up May 1st 2005. Two months later I joined this site and believe me when I tell you this that I kept my mouth shut in the chat room for two WHOLE weeks while I watched everyone. I was even afraid how others ON THIS SITE would react to my nature. They haven't been able to shut me up since. Though I may be into some very extreme things, and into things that are most people's limit. I'm still never outcasted, nor shamed, nor embaressed. They accept me fully and most have become my friends. If they are not already they soon come to be.
When I read your introduction all I could think was ...this was me a year ago and my have I changed.
You are lucky that you have an opened minded husband. It's okay to feel the way you do it's only natural. I will tell you this ....once you slowly start talking about things and get them off your chest you'll realize in the end you had NOTHING to be embaressed about nor ashamed of.
I will offer the same as everyone else here....you are free to PM me any time with any thoughts, questions, feelings, anything even if it's talking about your day.
We've all been where you are at one time or another. We all have learned and are still learning and more then willing to offer any help you need to get you on the right track/road.
I wish you the VERY BEST in your journey.
The FiENd

[Silke]

p.s. Dear mods - would it be an idea to move this thread to the BDSM life section?

Good idea. Thanks for the hint, cariad.

sub_in_denial - I thought you had left us when your account looked closed, sorry about my off hand comment earlier on. I really thought we'd put you off and I'm glad it wasn't the case. Everything that I'd add was already shared by the posters in this thread, so I'll just join in the chorus: feel free to PM me with questions or cries for support...lol, I've been doing quite a bit of that myself recently and I always have an open ear. Nice to see you're finding so many friends here - I know that the support from this site has helped me to get over a few issues of mine and hope it works the same way for you.

[ElectricBadger]

Welcome to the site, SID. I'm pretty new here too, but I've found this place to be very open and accepting.

Communication: I would suggest you ask your husband for a couple things, to help you explore what he and you both want. First, ask him to write out what this sort of play means to him, and why he wants it. That may help you figure out your own desires, and at least gives you a clue what is okay in his eyes. There are also a lot of "kink questionaires" (for lack of a better term) out there that have pretty much every known kink and what it means, and whether you'd be into it. I'd really recommend both you and he fill one out. And be honest on it, with the intention you can come back and open up to things later.

As for religion; I'm not religious, so I may not be the best to answer this. Then again, as an outsider and history major I may be. So: in my experience and understanding, Catholicism is intricately linked to BDSM. Most obviously, there is Jesus: the beauty and benevolence of suffering personified. If he chose to partake of punishment, it seems unlikely he'd hold it against you. There is also a long history of purification by pain within the Catholic church: the first real thinkers of the church tended to be ascetics, that is, holy men who sought purification by mortification of the body: hair shirts, self-flagellation, starvation, and other forms of s/m were practiced publicly and devoutly. Body modification is also a theme: branding was used to expel evil and to test truth. The papal Castrati were ritually castrated to preserve their voices for hymnals, and the religious thinker Abelard considered his castration (at the hands of his wife's unhappy relatives) to be a beneficial form of divine justice, 'removing that with which I had offended.' The Holy Inquisition utilized torture with the stated objective of purification from evil and reclamation for the Church, not as punishment -- that was reserved for God, not man. Witch burnings were similar, intended to pass sinners through "hellfire" to cleanse them for entrance into Heaven. Nuns were considered the "brides of God," and like monks were essentially ritually imprisoned for religious purposes (and some more than ritually -- walling oneself up, with only a bible and a hole large enough to pass food through, was considered a very devout act). Today, various forms of mortification such as flagellation and spanking are regularly practiced within and accepted by the church, and self-denial/starvation themes are too numerous to list. In short, a religion that displays lovingly crafted, beautiful statues of a man impaled on a cross and dying has no room to condemn your handcuffs.

(btw, I did warn you I was a history major)

As for public acceptability...gadzooks. Yes, under the labels we usually use: BDSM, Dommes, etc, and the extremes we push, we are on the edge of society. But that same society contains lesser degrees of BDSM in abundance. Listen to a dozen love songs, on any station, and you will find that many of them have a clearly illustrated actor and recipient for that love: it is NOT an equal exchange. Heck, actually listen to John Cougar's "Hurts so good," which plays over my parents' stations. Mass-advertising is the mecca of objectification: there are clearly defined objects and actors (as in, the one initiating and controlling the action, not the obvious meaning). Watch a few Levi's commercials: Woman pulls up to man, leers at body, asks about jeans, drives off into the distance. That's about as pure power play as you can get. Can Cosmo covers in every grocery store line deliver any message OTHER than "become this beautiful object for men to enjoy"? And mind you, they're appealing to the WOMEN to want this role -- not the men to fantasize about it. Everyone's childhood heroes taught you how to play bdsm games: what do the cops do to the robbers, if not handcuff them and lock them away? All-American Wonderwoman uses a whip to tie up and incapacitate her opponents on Saturday morning cartoons. How can anyone miss the powerplay between Superman's forceful, dominant personality, the demure Lois Lane, and the infinitely meek and subservient Clark Kent -- watch who tells whom what to do the next time you see a classic.

The social constructions that we use to define acceptability are simply games we use to interact -- to predict each others' response. Extreme play challenges these assumptions, and delights in the realm of the risky and risque. Example: every potluck I go to always has a 2 litre of coke and 7-up. No one ever brings the Jones Smoked Pate flavored soda. Would it be wrong if they did? Would it be "Wrong"? No...but a few people would go "ew" and wander off.

We are the smoked pate flavored soda drinkers.

Anyways, as you can see, I could ramble on about this stuff; if you want to hear more, send me a pm (or about anything else -- can't say I can help with all your problems, but I'm happy to talk with you. And yeah, I mean that).

Final tips before I shut up:

Start slow. You call the police officer and the bank manager and the valued customer "sir" -- you can call your husband that. See what it makes you feel, and where it leads you.

Write down some light things you would be willing to do on some cards; intersperse some very tame ones. Draw one at random to see what you do that night, and think about which ones you hoped were drawn, and which ones you dreaded. If you get a "vanilla" card, is it a relief -- or a bit of a disappointment?

If you aren't comfortable with the sex yet, try other things. Honestly, 75% of bdsm takes place out of the bedroom, in my opinion. Have him choose what you wear -- he doesn't have to make you look like a stripper, but it gives him choice over you. Let him order your dinner. Wear handcuffs in the car every time he drives. It won't lead to anything crazy there, but you'll feel the power play.

Always remember, when you feel repulsed by your own draw towards play, that once upon a time boys had cooties and were gross. This, too, shall pass.

[sub_in_denial]

Thanks all of you.
Silke... no offence taken.. it was more my inability to register than anything else! Honestly it'll take more than that to upset me. I'm in for the long haul!

EBadger... I was bought up a catholic but am non practicing and pretty much not really a believer anymore. I try to live by christian values. I screwed up being a catholic the moment a slept with my now husband before I got married.

So over the last few days I have been doing some soul searching. To give you a little background. My hub is my only sexual partner. We had great straight sex for the first 6 months or so, even playing with hand cuffs sometimes. Then suddenly intercourse became painful. Turns out I had some gynae probs which are now sorted but still the pain remains. Of course you don't have to have intercourse to have sex and we have been well practiced at all sorts!
There is nothing more the hospital can do for me its phycological and I have to get my body to believe that it doesn't hurt anymore.

Anyway my hub reckons the pain coinsided with my devout catholic father telling me that it was ok to have sex before I was married as long as he didn't know about it. Talk about moving the goal posts. I had spent the first 21 years of my life threatened with being cut out the will if I partook in such seedy inapropriate behaviour.

Consciously I know that it doesn't matter what my dad thinks after all with 2 kids now he has to know we have done it twice!!! (Actually it took 5 times, and those of 5 of about 8 times in the last 6 years that we have had intercourse!)

The issue that really prompted me to join this forum and ask for help is that my desire levels are at about 2/10 and some of that is down to the children the youngest is 6 months.
What frustrates hub is that when I get going I am a wanton hoar who really turns him on, but getting me to that point is such hard work. I am just not interested, but once I get going I alright. This makes me think it is my stupid brain stopping me. I am so worried that he will evenually find solace elsewhere. His DVD collection is vast to say the least! I really want to be able to fulfil his desires sufficiently. I love him so dearly, but some may say I obviously don't else I would give him more sex.

Caraid... I spoke to him about the trust thing, and he felt hurt that I didn't trust him. He said he trusts me completely. When I pointed out times when he has kept secrets from me, he took that fact on board. He says he is in this marriage for better or worse. Aww ..

So guys where to from here? I am starting to feel better already although is it normal to think about BDSM last thing at night and first thing when I wake up?

SID

[maddie]

SID, I'm so glad to see you're making some progress. Please, don't try to go too fast with this. Baby steps are good when you're trying to do something this big.

One thing you'll learn here is that we really don't care too much about "normal". If we did, it'd be a whole different type of "normal" than "normal people" have.

My husband has been quite pleased ever since I started posting and reading here, because I'm far more interested in sex than I ever was. That's not to say I didn't enjoy it or want it, I just didn't think about it. Now, it seems to occupy my thoughts a great deal more.

If you can afford it, I'd recommend seeing a good sex therapist. Talk through your issues regarding your pain problems with that person and see if you can move past it. The only other thing I could recommend there would be to gradually work with your husband on learning to be a sub, like by having him grow accustomed to giving you tasks, small ones at first, so that you learn to be comfortable giving up control to him.

I'm glad you're starting to feel better and I hope you'll keep plugging away at this.

[master 327-834-200]

I cannot agree more with maddie. Seek professional help. It sounds dramatic and vaguely scary but I know that had I not done the same 2 years ago I would not be the happy and fulfilled person I am today.

Of course you have to find the right person to help as not all sex (or other) therapists are the same.

Good luck

[cariad]

I fully support what maddie has said. I have read through your last post a few times, and there are so many avenues which need to be carefully explored, and at a pace which is right for you. If you possibly can see a therapist I think it would be money well spent. Please do not think we are washing out hands of you, and whatever you decide we will be here for you.

I would be concerned about exploring some of the issues you raise in your post in such a public forum. I think you need to address some very deep, personal and possibly painful issues, and I know I would not be willing to answer the same questions here, although I would be willing to explore them with a few trusted people. I would like to think that as this exchange is happening in forums you are also establishing a more intimate friendship with a few chosen people.

You ask if it is normal to think about BDSM so much - in my experience I do that with whatever is most significant/novel/interesting/exciting in my life at the time. So the answer is yes, it is probably normal for you do so at the moment. Given time you will find something will take its place and for a season that will be uppermost in your mind and that will also be perfectly normal.

cariad

[Evan_]

Hi Denial,

I am no profession at love, life, religeon, or much else come to think about it, but I know this much:

You are not a freak.
Love is not sex
Sex is not love.
Love and sex should not be confused for each other.
There is no "one" or "right" way to a dom/sub relationship
dom/sub relationships can be loving, nurturing, and intimate.
dom/sub relationships don't have to contain leather OR lace
or even handcuffs.... ;-) but they can if you want them to

I want to respectfully disagree with something stated earlier: you want to 'find your head' without feeling observed by your husband. How about this for a happy middle ground? Spend a little more time here, asking questions, reading, exploring, discussing, and tell him that when you're a little more comfortable (you can put a time frame on it if it helps either or both of you), you will share everything with him, including all of your posts, ramblings, links, and questions. It's not a dirty secret, and you don't have to spend EVERY minute of EVERY day sharing EVERY thing you do. Explore a little, then you can hold his hand and show him the way at your own pace later!

Keep exploring

Regards,
Another Catholic

[ElectricBadger]

There are some things we can help with, and I hope we are -- but yes, the psychological pain and deep repression and guilt you describe (which are NOT healthy ways to raise a child!) are not things we can address as well as you deserve; a therapist could help you much more than we.

We're definitely still able to support you, though, I hope you stick around!

As for thinking about play day and night...well, that says, first of all, that you have a healthy sex drive. Welcome to every other horny person in the world! We're said to think about it, what, every 10 seconds? You are normal.

The whips and chains part may be a bit more off the mainstream, but as already mentioned, that's probably largely because it's new and shiny and fun. I'm the same way about a new video game, and that's a lot less life-affecting. Again, you are normal. If you find it doesn't ever calm down a bit, well, I have friends who can't shut up about football (no, I mean REALLY can't shut up about it), and I'd say relations with your husband are a lot more important and exciting than athletes you don't know several states away. So even if you're a one track mind, you're normal as long as you can live a functional life outside of play. Generally, I've found that every time I think I'm extreme I can find a ton of people who make me look like a hack.

So, what else...oh yeah, the desire thing...well, young kids are a big deal; I haven't any myself, but I've heard over and over that kids are about the fastest way to destroy a sex life known to man. So yeah...normal again. Beyond that, the desire may be an issue of foreplay. If you aren't wet when he enters, he needs to go back to first base and run around the field again. Normal women don't get wet at the first whiff of sex, despite everything the porn industry tells you. Finally, it could have a lot to do with guilt...if your dad spent 21 years telling you it's seedy inappropriate behavior, it might take a bit to convince yourself it's not. Again, that would be something I can't address as much as you deserve.

As for the trust thing...being private is not a violation of trust. Not wanting to talk means you don't want to talk: it doesn't mean you're withholding something from him. Hopefully he's the center of your life -- it sounds like he is. But you still need to have your own life, not just his. I think it would be a good thing to bring up some of things you've mentioned here to him, because I feel that would help you understand one another; and it would be good to tell him some responses we've given, so he knows we're not telling you to do anything unhealthy. That said, your husband should not be forcing you to do anything you don't want to do.

I'll say that again. Your husband should not be forcing you to do anything you don't want to do. Yeah, even in Dom mode.

For now, take things slow. I tried to suggest some stuff up above that was pretty light. While not everything we do is always comfortable -- we do push limits -- if something is specifically UNcomfortable to you, you're not ready for it. You're not going to be O overnight, and you really shouldn't try. (btw, if you haven't read The Story of O yet, do so. Can be found in pretty much any bookstore. She's more extreme than most of us will ever dream, but it gives a very good insight to understanding submission).

Last thought of the day: For most of the history of Catholicism, it was impossible to have a priest within a reasonable distance of every household. Marraiges, when able to be performed at all, were on a very haphazard basis -- whenever the itinerant priest wandered through (which often meant after "the fact"). Nor was everyone expected to marry, even when near a priest -- the act of coupling implied union. That is, you have sex, and you're married. The absolute requirement for marraige before sex was largely a product of Queen Victoria, the Virgin Queen (who wasn't even Catholic) and her associated, highly sexually repressed era, as well as the birth (during the Rennaissance) of a wealthy middle class that wanted legal protection for its property (and it was easier to prove a marraige had been performed with a certain man, then that he'd had sex with one's daughter). This means that historically speaking, more Catholics have probably had sex outside of technical "marraige" than within it.

[sub_in_denial]

Hi everyone. Its been a while.
I'm sorting things out..
The pain I talked about turns out to be a condition which has been treated to a pretty successful degree by some magic cream. I am manage intercourse easily.

I am proudly reading a copy of the MarketPlace by Laura Antoniou and every page I read makes me wetter and wetter!

Having been recently burgled and all my stuff getting nicked. I found the whole process liberating and I have been shopping on the internet and bought myself some new restraints and a selection of toys for my DH to use on me.

I Just wanted to thank everyone for their support when I most needed it and now I hope to deepen by understanding of the whole BDSM world and find out what works for me.

As for the weirdo that stole my butt plugs..., I hope he caught something nasty from them!

best wishes
SID

[Ozme52]

back

[Draco]

As for the weirdo that stole my butt plugs..., I hope he caught something nasty from them!SID

Also to the weirdo that stole the butt plugs, are you so hard up for plastic, rubber or silicone that you needed to steal something that was oviously in a strangers ass?! If you see dog shit on the ground to you pick that up to?! What in the fucking world would make you deside that you no longer needed valuables, just used ass toys?!

IK, done ranting now.

Glad you are feeling better hun!