I fully support what maddie has said. I have read through your last post a few times, and there are so many avenues which need to be carefully explored, and at a pace which is right for you. If you possibly can see a therapist I think it would be money well spent. Please do not think we are washing out hands of you, and whatever you decide we will be here for you.

I would be concerned about exploring some of the issues you raise in your post in such a public forum. I think you need to address some very deep, personal and possibly painful issues, and I know I would not be willing to answer the same questions here, although I would be willing to explore them with a few trusted people. I would like to think that as this exchange is happening in forums you are also establishing a more intimate friendship with a few chosen people.

You ask if it is normal to think about BDSM so much - in my experience I do that with whatever is most significant/novel/interesting/exciting in my life at the time. So the answer is yes, it is probably normal for you do so at the moment. Given time you will find something will take its place and for a season that will be uppermost in your mind and that will also be perfectly normal.

cariad