ok...finally got around to reading this Widget...sorry.....

As maddie said...I noticed right off you needed to use commas...and some of your sentences are runons....or fragmented.

Some of your sentences can be restructured so the meaning is more clear

I sniffled and looked for something to blow my nose in the car with.
This sentence could read something like.....
I sniffled, and searched the car for something to blow my nose.

Rearranging the sentence can make the meaning clearer and the flow of your story smoother.

Also, when I was learning to write, my composition teacher told me to print out the story and circle all the I's....Try this....see how many you have used. Then see if the sentence or paragraph can be restructured with less I's. For me...I had to rewrite the whole damn paper. As I redid the paper, I noticed that with less I's the story flowed much better.

Very good story...I'll PM you, your next assignment.