I understand about not being able to go to a therapist. I was sexually abused for two years when I was younger and four years of therapy did nothing to help me. But my personal for of therapy is just talking about it with other people. Just getting it out of your system and mind and out there where someone can respond helps. Keeping it locked up inside you is what hurts you. Or at least thats how I feel about it.

I had a boyfriend for the better part of four years. I told him about liking kinky things and he was okay with it at first but when I started asking him for more things or how he felt about it, he would berate me and make me feel like total shit for liking the things I did. And earlier this year I thought I would try to date this one guy. Just to give him a chance you know...and I told him up front that I didn't love him and I didn't want to have sex with him. He lied to me and told me he respected my wishes but he didn't really. He trapped me in a situation where I couldn't get out of the sex. I'm not sure if he knew that being rough would me would override my feelings and decisions because I didn't know. The whole time I couldn't do anything but think of how wrong it was and how I didn't want it but when I tried to stop him he would either do something that would cause a little pain or push the issue and I literally could not say no. I was able to get him to stop before he came inside me but I cried for the whole day afterward. It happened two more times before I could bring myself to avoid him entirely. I admit that the second time was probably my fault because part of me began to crave that little bit of hurt but I was able to stop him and I was very glad for that.

If anything that has taught me that I just can't have a normal relationship with a guy. I'm terrified of someone finding out my secret. My need for pain goes beyond my feelings and thoughts and I can't control myself when someone hurts me. I've talked to my Master about all of these things and he has been able to help me get over a lot of my issues. He makes me so happy. I feel so damn good just knowing I am accepted by him. I think when I try to meet him for real some of my issues may surface again but I'm willing to work through them with him.