Jealousy

[propertyofslavehaven]

Me and my Master have been going through bad times with the jealousy issue for about a year. We never gave up on trying to find better ways to deal with my jealousy. It would work for awhile but then it eventually come back into our relationship with a powerful punch and stronger than ever. I was losing who i was and Master didnt feel like a Master and i didnt feel like a slave. We were beginning to think our Master/slave lifestyle was over because i couldnt control the monster that came out to haunt us. Our love for each other is extremely strong and we have lots of good qualities in our relationship, honesty, communication ,devotion, dedication and the will and drive to get through the toughest times. This has been one of our tough times. My sickness is gone. (jealousy) We made a breakthrough. I learned that jealousy for me is insecurties about myself and irrational thoughts that i started to believe. Nothing Master could say would help me overcome my fears and my way of thinking. I couldnt see what was really happening. All i thought was that he was going to find someone better than me and the more i became jealous and showed myself badly, the more i knew that was true. I was making my irrational thoughts come true. This became tourture for me. I was tourturing myself. COMMUNICATION! We never stoped that. Master talks things out with me. A couple of days ago we had a long talk about what we want from each other and who we are to each other and to our selfs. This talk worked and i realized that my jealousy made me blind on who my Master is and my ways of my thinking were WRONG! As my Master told me who he is and what he wants from his life the irrational jealousy was fading away, i understood him completely and wanted the same things he wanted. People who are jealous are insecure and they need to trust the other person. That was my problem. I was afraid to trust in fear losing him. I didnt want to take a chance, i held on to all those bad feelings and started to believe and trust in them instead of my Master. I was at my breaking point and i needed my jealousy behavior to end. I listened and really understood what he was saying to me. I know my Master and i have always known he is a good man, fair man, and loves me as much as i love him. He has never hurt me and has stuck by me through this when i was pushing him away with out even knowing it. He loves me, he wants the best for me and he is not trying to replace me. He is being himself and always has been doing that. It wasnt him that changed it was me and my fears that i couldnt escape. I will always be jealous just because i love him so deeply and i know that he deserves the best of the best and no one knows him as much as me. Jealousy and love are sisters. Jealousy is ok with me when it comes out in a good way and not in the destructive way. I am not very good with my words. What im trying to say is im over this "BAD JEALOUSY" I listened and opened my eyes to what was really going on in our life. My insecurities are gone and my all my trust is in my Master. Thank you for all of the advice that everyone left for us. It helped. Jealousy is a hard thing to deal with and i guess its different for each person and if there relationship is strong enough they will get through in there own way. Never give up on the things that are important.

[thir]

We were beginning to think our Master/slave lifestyle was over because i couldnt control the monster that came out to haunt us.

Would you like to explain why it was your Ms realationship especially that was threathened? I mean, as opposed to your relationship as a whole? Just interested.

We made a breakthrough. I learned that jealousy for me is insecurties about myself and irrational thoughts that i started to believe. Nothing Master could say would help me overcome my fears and my way of thinking.

A couple of days ago we had a long talk about what we want from each other and who we are to each other and to our selfs. This talk worked and i realized that my jealousy made me blind on who my Master is and my ways of my thinking were WRONG!

Good for you!!
And I think you are making and important point here, that jealousy is often (fi not always) a problem within ourselves, and others cannot talk us out of it. There has to be a change in within ourselves.

People who are jealous are insecure and they need to trust the other person.

IMO though this is often the case, it is not always so. Jealousy can come from real fear as well, as in situations where there is a real and recognized risk of a break-up, or where there is too little meeting of needs, and others.

What makes it all so difficult is that sometimes you should trust yourself, if your feelings tell you that your situation is not good and makes you unhappy, even if your partner tells you that you are wrong to be jealous. Obvious example is a Master with too many slaves to make it function.

I will always be jealous just because i love him so deeply and i know that he deserves the best of the best and no one knows him as much as me. Jealousy and love are sisters.

As this is a general discussion of jealousy, I feel like saying that this sounds very wrong to me, though it may be how it is for you.
Jealousy and love are not sisters, that would mean that if you are not jealous, you do not love, that jealousy is a proof of love. This is not the case, people can love without jealousy, or they can be jealous without love (being possesive or envious, for example.)

Jealousy is ok with me when it comes out in a good way and not in the destructive way. I am not very good with my words. What im trying to say is im over this "BAD JEALOUSY" I listened and opened my eyes to what was really going on in our life. My insecurities are gone and my all my trust is in my Master. Thank you for all of the advice that everyone left for us. It helped. Jealousy is a hard thing to deal with and i guess its different for each person and if there relationship is strong enough they will get through in there own way. Never give up on the things that are important.

Good to hear that things are better :-) Jealousy is a dangerous enemy and hard to conquer, congrats that you have!

[denuseri]

Jealousy can come from real fear as well, as in situations where there is a real and recognized risk of a break-up, or where there is too little meeting of needs, and others.

Or as part of a quite natural biological response; a response that varies depending upon the individuals, how much or how little that response is hardwired etc and situational modifiers involved. It also can be impossible to control in some circumstances and in essence be considered quite reasonable behavior for some people to exhibit and in effect be just as "ok" as not being jealous?

[leo9]

Or as part of a quite natural biological response; a response that varies depending upon the individuals, how much or how little that response is hardwired etc and situational modifiers involved. It also can be impossible to control in some circumstances and in essence be considered quite reasonable behavior for some people to exhibit and in effect be just as "ok" as not being jealous?

We seem to be the only primates with a pair-bonding urge. It's been argued that this is due to the greatly extended dependency of human infants: that doesn't stand up well when you consider that we also show signs of being adapted to co-operative child rearing (such as the ability of human females to lactate without pregnancy if they nurse someone else's baby for long enough,) but it might explain why a pairing that feels eternal when it starts can fade away after a few years, when an infant might be big enough not to need a couple's care.

But if it's a real instinct, it must have been overlaid on the much older primate promiscuity. And as so often happens when you add a software patch over an existing program, and launch it without enough debugging, the two sometimes interact in bizarre ways and sometimes crash completely.

[thir]

Or as part of a quite natural biological response; a response that varies depending upon the individuals, how much or how little that response is hardwired etc and situational modifiers involved. It also can be impossible to control in some circumstances and in essence be considered quite reasonable behavior for some people to exhibit and in effect be just as "ok" as not being jealous?

IMO all feelings are natural. We have them, they are our feelings, we are not responsible for those, but we are responsible for our actions. Jealousy is a legitimate feeling, and should be respected as such. But it causes so many problems, and is so painful, I find it very useful to have a good thread about it. Often I think it is like fear of bereavement, but as opposed to actually loosing someone- which, however painful, you do get over someday - it does not go away! It just goes on and on, if you cannot find a way to deal with it. Yes, definitly something to be taken seriously and to work with.

Impossible to control? Do you mean as in being sad, or yelling, or as in killing your partner so no one else can have her/him? I think all violent feelings are hard to control, but with this as with others - hate, fear etc - we are asked to control them. Jealousy is just one other, if you see what I mean. I do not think it should 'rate' as being more understandable if you commit violence out of jealousy, than if you do it out of hate. In fact, violence out of jealousy is, to me, very much like hate. It certainly isn't love - not to me! Though this might be a very good point to discuss!

Reasonable behaviour? Again, I am not quite sure what you are thinking of, except that it is a feeling we get often, sometimes for realistic reasons, sometimes for our own inner reasons. I think we should be 'allowed' to show our feelings, and not have some of them put in a box called 'unacceptable'. They are there, they are our feelings and part of us, we should not be reduced to censorship or self-censorship! But on the other hand I do not think it should be cultivated or encouraged, the way the mono-culture often do. I think these problems are much better handled if treated like problems, not moral questions.

[leo9]

Me and my Master have been going through bad times with the jealousy issue for about a year. We never gave up on trying to find better ways to deal with my jealousy... My sickness is gone. (jealousy)

Well done! Far too few people can get there.

We made a breakthrough. I learned that jealousy for me is insecurties about myself and irrational thoughts that i started to believe. Nothing Master could say would help me overcome my fears and my way of thinking. I couldnt see what was really happening. All i thought was that he was going to find someone better than me and the more i became jealous and showed myself badly, the more i knew that was true. I was making my irrational thoughts come true.

Well seen. Insecurity - fear of loss - is nine tenths of what is called jealousy, and yes, it becomes a self fulfilling fear. My mother once observed that when someone fears they aren't loved, they respond by acting as unlovable as possible.

People who are jealous are insecure and they need to trust the other person.

You're only halfway there: they also have to trust THEMSELVES. Trust that they are worth loving, trust that they are loved, trust that they are strong enough to survive if their worst fears come true and they lose that love.

My first (vanilla) love never loved me the way I loved her; she was fond of me, but I was just one of a lot of men in her life, and she never pretended differently. In some ways, that gave me a head start in giving up jealousy: there was no point being afraid of losing what I didn't have. I learnt to live with her other loves because it was either that or give her up. I learnt to be glad that there were other people who could make her happy when I wasn't there. Later, when I was in the poly scene (with a later partner) and a man asked me why I wasn't jealous, I said "You're doing good things for the woman I love. How could I mind that?"

I wrote once in another forum: "It is a conventional sign of love to say you couldn't live without someone, but there are nasty implications behind the flattery: that you stay with them because you've no choice, and they'd better stay with you or they'll have you on their conscience. More loving is to say 'I could leave if I chose, but I stay with you because I love you.'"

[thir]

"Well seen. Insecurity - fear of loss - is nine tenths of what is called jealousy, and yes, it becomes a self fulfilling fear. My mother once observed that when someone fears they aren't loved, they respond by acting as unlovable as possible."

I disagree. Jealousy is a header with many emotions behind it. Insecurity is one, possesiveness is just as common, so is envy, realistic fear, and deprivement.