Sbbe 1st assignment in Level 2

[StillBehindBlueEyes]

Ok my assignment was to write a short story, no spell check or grammar check. Here she is in all her naked glory.



“Lucky,” she said as she shifted leaning down to grab the silver dollar.
“Unlucky,” he said behind her yanking her hair harshly and twisting her around to face him.
"No," she gasped struggling against his body.
"Yes," he said showing his teeth in a predatorial way. "Your going to pay bitch, I promised you you'd pay and now tonight you will."
"Gram, don't it's not worth it." She gasped as he swung her around and marched her toward the waiting van.
"Scream and I'll make you bleed." He meant his words she knew it and she forced herself to complie.

Vicki looked up from her prone positon on the floor of the panel van. Her head was between his front seats. "Gram, don't do this."
"I'll do what I fucking well please bitch."
Vicki sighed and waited, what else could she do in this positon.

OUt,the van door popped open and she rolled over. As her feet neared the ground he lifted her tossing her over his shoulder. She heard a gasp and turned her head to see the people scurrying out of his way. Her breath was taken away as he jostled her popping her up a few inches to get a better grasp.

She heard a loud elderly gasp and tried to lift up and turn, the sharp slap on her ass made her scream and try to fight back. Another sharp slap and she quieted determined to wait.

Vicki screamed again as she flew through the air and landed on her knees on the floor. "Here she is!" he sounded furious.

"I can't believe you did this." Vicki heard the familial voices raised in dissatisfaction.

"Now," Gram ordered in a firm voice.

"Now, she's on her knees?"

"Now, she can damn well stand if she wants."

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered...."

[Aussiegirl1]

Well done Sbbe,

This is a great short story with a nice twist in the end.

There are a few spelling errors - complie should be comply and positon should be position.

In this sentence--- OUt,the van door popped open and she rolled over--- I am not sure if you meant to put "Out" or Out -- but it is easily fixed.

Another thing I noticed was a lack of commas. One way to work out if you need a comma is to think about how you would say a sentence out loud. If there is a natural pause in a sentence, that is where you need a comma. I found this simple guide to commas that you might want to have a look at.

http://learnline.cdu.edu.au/studyski...wr_pu_com.html

So, here is how I would use commas in your first paragraph.

"Lucky,” she said, as she shifted, leaning down to grab the silver dollar.
“Unlucky,” he said behind her, yanking her hair harshly and twisting her around to face him.
"No," she gasped, struggling against his body.
"Yes," he said, showing his teeth in a predatorial way. "Your going to pay bitch, I promised you you'd pay and now tonight you will."
"Gram, don't, it's not worth it." She gasped, as he swung her around and marched her toward the waiting van.
"Scream and I'll make you bleed." He meant his words, she knew it, and she forced herself to comply.

This sentence also needs changing -- "Now, she's on her knees?"
should be ---- "Now? She's on her knees?" or even "Now! She's on her knees?"

Overall though, you did a great job, thank you.

Your next task is to write another short story, but this time you are able to use spell and grammar checks and proof readers.

Good luck and I look forward to reading your next piece of writing.

[StillBehindBlueEyes]

Thanks I found it very difficult not to go back over and edit the piece. I think it added to the sharpness of the story. Giggle.