There are people out there that want the same things you do and also those who would like to do what you want. What I've learned in my experince is that it's easy to point at something you don't understand and call it abuse, but if it's what you want, then it's what you want. Don't let people tell you it's wrong.

That being said, you wants are very extreme, you'll have to be very careful with what you do and who you do it with. I would recommend the following:

- Even though you want it to basically be nonconsentual, even you have a limit. Set those before hand, with the things you want, you need to have hard limits completely established.

- Be very, VERY careful who you play with. Spend a great deal of time with the person before you play that deeply. Play in the more vanilla sense at first, set limits and make sure the person sticks to them. Talk to them a lot, be totally honest.

- Even though I know it sounds contradictory to your wants, make sure that you set specific times for things to happen and set a safeword that means absolutely nothing can go on. You are only human, there will be times when your body won't permit you to do those things to you.

- When you find the person you play with, always seek medical attention and/or first aide for any wounds you recieve. You won't be able to play that hard for long if you don't take care of yourself. Make sure you recover inbetween scenes as well.

I hope that helps. Keep searching, you'll find what you're searching for. Be well