And I used to be such a nice guy...

[Alex Bragi]

Firstly, thank you for posting this, it's a great topic.

I'm sure many bdsmers--dominants, submissives, and switches (my variety) alike struggle with this sexual juxtaposition from time to time. It's almost like a Jekyll and Hide thing isn't it?

I think that if you were a true misogynistic, as others have said, then you'd have the urge to abuse women all the time, and this obviously isn't the case.

I can't ever really remember not having sexual thoughts/urges, and certainly I've known I was kinky from a very young age. It just took me a long time to put a label on it and realise it was perfectly ...ok, not necessarily normal, but certainly ok. Yes, it used to bother me terribly that I had such a perceived perversion but then, before that, it also used bother me that if I got married I'd have to sneak away from my husband to masturbate ... *gg* Yes, really.

[steelish]

So it is possible. A nice guy who has a dark edge, a side he only shows to those he can possess. I knew that somewhere there would be a man like u to prove my point.... my husband is a nice guy, 28 years (20 of them married to me) worth of nice - but no darkside, no edge - an occasional flash of strength to push me to the edge of believing i'd let it loose - found his streak of controlling spirit and then... back to gentle, horny, funny, wont hurt me .... nice guy.

Sounds like my husband! He shows me the occasional flash of strength, making my heart pitter patter, then goes back to being the sweet guy that I've been with for 25 years. I love him so much but, just like you, I come to this site for that which I crave - the dark edge.

As to what TheI says above...I too worried that my desire to be submissive, to be tied and even to be 'tortured' was wrong. That subconsciously I might even be wishing for something bad to happen to me. Over time and through a lot of research and self exploration, I've found out that I have a normal, healthy kink that I am ok with. My husband is aware of my fetish, unfortunately, I just don't think he is capable of what I need to satisfy my kink. Therefore, here I am, in the forums with an online Dom.

[bip0lar]

hehe, i think i'll quote downtownamber on this one, something she said in the chat a few days ago: "there's being a sadist...and then there's being a bastard" [or something along those lines, sorry if i'm effing up the quote].
This is so true, humour or no humour. I think we can exclude you from the second category, Mr. 'Nice Guy'! *grins*
To be honest I'm glad you brought this up, partly because it's nice knowing that I'm not the only one worrying, all the replies were very well worth reading and gave me things to think about which had only briefly crossed my mind and then just fluttered away.
I seriously doubt my ability to add something as good, long or well written as previous replies, but hey, i'll add my small thoughts on it:

Some things you just know about yourself, some things you discover in due time and some things will remain hidden in the depths of your inner psych for years to come. I'm guessing you know you're not a bad person, maybe a tiny bit perverted but we welcome you wholeheartedly to the club and enjoy having you here, you'll discover further wants and needs in the future and, through discussion and relationships the rest will probably come to you.
Us subbies aren't the only ones with limits--or so I'm told *grins*--so your kind as well is always on the lookout for warning signs for when things are going too far, too fast, too creepy! Gut feelings are good, trust them, i like the saying 'better be safe than sorry'.
I do wish you the best of luck and i will be keeping track of this discussion, it's really interesting and thanks again for bringing it up!

[Fumiko-Oppai]

My problem (which is almost as parallel to Fight Club as the quote) is that I still am. Well, a ‘nice guy’ who just happens to get off on women being humiliated, being tied up and make to squirm and scream with agony and unrestrained lust, on controlling someone else in a relationship so unequal that it would make Victorianism seem like a progressive feminist movement (almost at least). But also a nice guy who believes in equality, human rights and the intrinsic worth of all human being on account of nothing more than being just that, human; a leftist, politically progressive, tolerant guy with feminist friends who just happen to like watching, and perhaps participating in the torment and degradation of women in his spare time… You see my predicament?

Well, I know that a lot of you are probably soon going to tell me that as long as whatever I choose to do is safe sane and consensual I’ll be all right. That being liberated as a woman includes being free to submit to someone else (at least unless one is an anti-sex feminist, but even if I wasn’t kinky I’d still disagree with those). And that as long as I respect women when I’m not ‘scening’ I’m alright.

And I agree with all that. But don’t you other guys still get worried sometimes? I mean: My problem is not so much actually doing these things, it’s my being turned on by them. It’s the fear that the reason I like this is that I’m really a misogynist who’s intimidated by women in power and therefore wants to see them on their knees… What worries me is what kind of ‘sick’ motivation makes me, the ‘nice guy’, turned on by harming and humiliating another human being?

I’m relatively new in all this. I’ve had these fantasies for perhaps 5 years (I’m 23) and apart from role-playing, stories, fantasies and such I haven’t taken the step to ‘real life’, yet. But as get closer to consider taking these things to real life I worry about this more and more. I can’t help feeling things would have been so much easier if I happened to be a submissive masochist instead of a dominant sadist.

Does any of you else share these worry?

I could imagine some of you female submissives could have similar misgivings (that the urge to submit is perhaps an urge to ‘go back’ to being a repressed woman)…

Anyway I hope some of you guys feel like sharing their thoughts. Just writing this and getting it of my chest feels good at least.

If you can ask that Question, and worry about harming others maliciously...then, by Definition, you are NOT Misogynistic.

[elizabethlemon]

I realize this is an old post but it's refreshing to see all the responses. Sometimes I wonder if there is something mentally wrong with me, why do I get turned on by reading stories on here about being whipped, chained, humiliated? Why is it a turn on at the idea of kneeling and being someone's slave? I have no idea the answers and it's something I have never had the courage to talk about in therapy. Though it's probably one of the biggest things I should talk about given my past. But, when I see others like on this forum, being turned on by the same things and even more extreme festishes than my own. I have no judgment, I have no thoughts of "what the hell is wrong with them?" I think good for them! If it's not hurting anyone (well, anyone that doesn't give consent lol) then who I am to judge? Who am I to say that someone's fetishes are wrong and twisted? But for some reason when it comes to myself, my wants and needs....I definitely have moments where I think I might be sick in the head.

[Sirs_GoodGirl (Whyteknyght)]

Girl, try to be a little kinder.....to yourself . You deserve it.
Trust me, i stop myself from saying "what is wrong with me, i LIKE getting slapped/spanked, who in their right mind likes that?!/!" Every day here. But im trying to be as kind to myself as i am towards others and their kinks. And i just dont get into my past abuses and how awful it is that a rape victim ......fantasizes about that exact thing. I dont care. I fuss and struggle against giving myself a break but this site, people like you, allow me to flex my compassion muscle and im slowly using that same strength on ME.
You deserve every kindnesd that you extend to others. If its just too difficult sometimes, and you get judgy om yourself, maybe ask a friend here to take over being judge of you for the day. Then give up that right.
I hope this makes some kind of sense. You got this, girl.

[elizabethlemon]

Thanks for sharing that with me, that is so kind of you. Lots of truth in that too...

Girl, try to be a little kinder.....to yourself . You deserve it.
Trust me, i stop myself from saying "what is wrong with me, i LIKE getting slapped/spanked, who in their right mind likes that?!/!" Every day here. But im trying to be as kind to myself as i am towards others and their kinks. And i just dont get into my past abuses and how awful it is that a rape victim ......fantasizes about that exact thing. I dont care. I fuss and struggle against giving myself a break but this site, people like you, allow me to flex my compassion muscle and im slowly using that same strength on ME.
You deserve every kindnesd that you extend to others. If its just too difficult sometimes, and you get judgy om yourself, maybe ask a friend here to take over being judge of you for the day. Then give up that right.
I hope this makes some kind of sense. You got this, girl.

[thedominthehat]

I think that the ultimate taboo to some extent is sadism even more than masochism. If you tell someone that you like getting tied up or spanked, thats hardly big news in a country where gay people can get married where half the population lives but it definitely takes some trust to tell someone that you like or love them (or merely find them attractive) and you also want to hear them scream or make them cry. Or that you may be their knight in shining armor in real life but in the bedroom you prefer to be their villainous captor.

Maybe I just like pushing buttons and the most fun buttons to push are on a pretty girl.

[pinky_subby]

for me I spent 10 years learn more about how i feel what i like and how can i start with safe way. you still so young you need to find out much much more and better do it in safe way with respect.