I've been into BSDM in one fashion or another since my first rape fantasies when I was a young girl. I've never identified with the scene as I find myself to be too complex for most "roles" that it seems folks want to identify with (THANK YOU to this site for challenging that assumption of mine).

Now that I'm married and our relationship is only sort of open (swinging ok with mutual consent and participation, happened only twice thus far), I'm negotiating a different kind of sex than I'm used to. As a long-time casual-sexer, I am only now realizing how much I loved it for the implicit power play -- I could be the seducer/ee, etc. My fella is very affectionate and we used to have great sex back in the day (ah, to be 20 something again), but, well . . . I enjoy the loving affection, but the power play is absent. I think a lot of that has to do with the whole marriage thing, and the different kind of sex it is from casual sex.

I see bdsm as an opportunity to bring some of that power play back into our sex life, but my fella just isn't interested. He says it feels "fake" and "silly" to him. Bless his heart that he'll talk and be open and considerate. Given my own misconceptions, I wonder if he, too, operates under mistaken assumptions that we have to adopt these foreign "roles" and play specific parts that don't organically arise from our own needs . . .

Anyhow, we're not entirely vanilla -- happy with anal play, the little bit o' swinging, ass-slappin' fun -- but I'd like to delve into many more flavors. I also recognize that he's into having sex in public and the idea totally turns me off, so I guess I'm a little too vanilla for him in some ways.

I'm just looking for suggestions on how we can explore, together, ways we can push ourselves without scaring off the hubbie with terms like sub/dom/flogging etc. I ask him to share his fantasies, and he doesn't seem to have many (not that he shares). He'll slap my ass when I ask, and occasionally on his own -- he likes to turn me on -- but that's about it. I keep hoping that there's some deep dark secret in there I can flesh out, but, well, it may not be the secret I'm hoping for anyhow (like that he wants to try on the dom shoes).

For me, an "affair" online or otherwise isn't an option. I really want to explore my sub side, but am not sure how to do this given our current situation. Thoughts would be great.




I'm really new to the internet community, and I have found this site to be helpful and non-judgmental. Thanks to everyone for your thoughts.