Why do most subs come with an abused background? Don't abuse them

[jiggy]

From my extensive experience as a Dom I have come across so many subs that had been abused , physically, sexually earlier in their life. It saddens me to think that such a very high proportion of subs or wanna be subs come from an abused background. And people wonder why BDSM gets a bad name

It saddens me more when other so called doms take advantage of this and make subs believe this should is a "normal" way of life that they have to accept- not knowing anything else.

I personally have a rule of NEVER taking on a sub that has had an abusive background. To me it is taking advantage of someone who really doen't know anything better and is susceptible to being seriously abused by so called doms for their own perverted purposes.

If you know of a sub in such a horrible situation - It is YOUR responsibilty help this sub.

[ceegee{Benz}]

A "true" Dominant will take a sub/slave on no matter what their background is.
A "true" Dominant will help their sub/slave see that there is more to life
than any form of abuse that the sub/slave may of encountered and guide them back onto the right path, and that all men or women are not bastards or bitches.
That is part and parcel of the Dominant's Creed.

[Guest91408]

I personally have a rule of NEVER taking on a sub that has had an abusive background. To me it is taking advantage of someone who really doen't know anything better and is susceptible to being seriously abused by so called doms for their own perverted purposes.
If you know of a sub in such a horrible situation - It is YOUR responsibilty help this sub.

I thought very carefully about whether or not to reply to this.

Whilst I appreciate the concern shown, I think your position is utterly arbitary and incorrect. The three years I spent in a collared relationship not only centered my life, brought a sense of self worth and confidence but also saved me from a never ending spiral of depression and self harm. In short, being a sub helped me a great deal recover my belief in humanity and rebuilt my trust in others and restart my sexual desires and needs. My Dom knew my past. Knew my tastes and needs and seperated the past drives into safe, sane play. I have a harder edge, which involves blood play...but I'll be damned if anyone in the community has the right to see me as being somehow "damaged" and therefore unapproachable.

It's upto you, as the Dom, to ensure you ARENT taking advantage of anyone whether they suffered abuse in their life or not. The abuse I suffered as a child has certainly steered my life a certain way, but it does not control it. Nor would I allow others to control me through it. And yes, despite the nature of my abuse I list force play, blood play, strangulation/breathplay and physical violence in general as being amongst my interests.

But I think you'll find subs who led happy-clappy all smiles and toys childhoods are also into the same thing.

I find this kind of stereotyping hugely insulting. I've chosen to post because I'm not ashamed of my past, I wish it hadnt happened every single fucking day, but without it...I would lose a huge a part of who I am as a person. And I like who I am.

So, with respect, rather than avoiding us, try taking on a sub that has been hurt in her past...perhaps you too can provide that individual with the life enhancing experience that will set her free

[MrDom]

yes ceegee I agree it is a big part of what a Dominate is and what they should do. To teach and show a sub/slave what we are too keep them safe and that true Dom's do not abuse.

MrDom

[Rhabbi]

From my extensive experience as a Dom I have come across so many subs that had been abused , physically, sexually earlier in their life. It saddens me to think that such a very high proportion of subs or wanna be subs come from an abused background. And people wonder why BDSM gets a bad name

It saddens me more when other so called doms take advantage of this and make subs believe this should is a "normal" way of life that they have to accept- not knowing anything else.

I personally have a rule of NEVER taking on a sub that has had an abusive background. To me it is taking advantage of someone who really doen't know anything better and is susceptible to being seriously abused by so called doms for their own perverted purposes.

If you know of a sub in such a horrible situation - It is YOUR responsibilty help this sub.

Here we go again, falling for this person even thpugh he is banned.

Subs come from abused backgrounds because predators can sense the same thing a Dom can, but they take advantage of it, end of story. I am glad that jiggy is no longewr here.

[Guest91408]

im confused, was he banned after his original post?
Can/will mods delete this thread then?

[Rhabbi]

im confused, was he banned after his original post?
Can/will mods delete this thread then?

Apparently. Ask the mods, they can, but may not.

[ceegee{Benz}]

they will more than likely lock it

[DarkSister]

I have gone to reply to this a number of times and wondered whether I should or not… but I felt that the comments made are inherently without merit and I do find the generalisation insulting and demeaning of everybody that I have interacted with here… I can really only add my support to Pain’s comments on this


To me it is taking advantage of someone who really doen't know anything better and is susceptible to being seriously abused by so called doms for their own perverted purposes.


This especially seems a comment without true understanding… Yes I had a very bad time of it in childhood and I guess that is what shaped my harder and darker edge… many of the interests I have include blood/knife play, force play and bouts of violence. I have probably run the gauntlet of negative emotions as I tried to suppress or come to terms with these dark desires inside me… it led me down a path that I may not have returned from



So, with respect, rather than avoiding us, try taking on a sub that has been hurt in her past...perhaps you too can provide that individual with the life enhancing experience that will set her free

I do sometimes wonder that perhaps if I didn’t suffer what I suffered, then would this part of me never have surfaced or even existed, would I be better off for it…
I doubt I could answer… besides for the first time in a long time I feel at peace with myself, and I think that’s a pretty good place to be.... and there is one person i can thank for this xx


Dark x

[Rhabbi]

I do sometimes wonder that perhaps if I didn’t suffer what I suffered, then would this part of me never have surfaced or even existed, would I be better off for it…
I doubt I could answer… besides for the first time in a long time I feel at peace with myself, and I think that’s a pretty good place to be


Dark x

Good for you Dark. Abuse is bad, but we can make the choice about how we deal with it.

[~hellish one~]

jiggy was not banned for this thread. he was temporarily banned for 10 days for flaming in a different thread.

[anonymouse]

I do sometimes wonder that perhaps if I didn’t suffer what I suffered, then would this part of me never have surfaced or even existed, would I be better off for it…
I doubt I could answer…

"None of us can change the past nor invent the future. The only time over which we have any true control at all is the present." I think it was Tolstoy who originally said that and it's something I've found to be reassuring at times of crisis.

The original poster made a sweeping generalization quite likely with the intention of trolling for an argument. My parents were very old fashioned and strict when I was growing up, but I'd never say they were at any time ever 'abusive'. I'd be surprised if there weren't a lot of others of my generation who were raised with similar strictness - I know a lot of my friends growing up were. I hated being spanked as a child so I'd have to say that my submission in adult life has little (if anything) to do with those childhood experiences. I personally don't see or feel any connection between the two.

It's also been my experience that submissives from abusive backgrounds are in the minority. Most I know are well-adjusted, educated professionals and their influence on those who have come into the scene with emotional problems is always profoundly positive. Sure, predators exist, but they too are in the minority - at least they are in real life.

For those here who might have had bad experiences in the past, my heart goes out to you. I always hope my positive view of the scene and life in general is contagious. :)

[Phantome]

Rather than dismissing formerly abused subs, you could take them on and lovingly teach them how a good dom is supposed to act, as well as help them gain confidence in themselves so that they can't be taken advantage of again....
-Phan

[Warbaby1943]

It's also been my experience that submissives from abusive backgrounds are in the minority.
Maybe a poll is in order if there is enough interest for anyone to start one.

It sould incorporate Dom/mes too so that subs are not singled out. Easy way to end the debate without an argument in my opinion.

[MajesticFae]

Why are we just speaking of subs here? Aren't there any Dom/mes out there that were abused in their childhood. I'm sure they've grown into fine upstanding people and maybe dominating helped set them free.

I think it's wrong to not take on a sub because they came from an abusive background. I don't think jiggy was referring to childhood abuse, but abuse from other Dom/mes. I think Dom/mes need to watch over their subs very carefully because we put a lot of trust into them to not abuse us. Dom/mes shouldn't take wrongful advantage of their subs, but unfortunately some do and the subs get put off of this lifestyle, but some come back. I believe that those that do come back find better relationships and become better people because of it.

I personally have never been abused, childhood or in this lifestyle so I can't really speak on the matter. I've suffered emotional abuse at the hands of vanilla partners, but nothing physical.

jiggy said that if we no someone is being abused, it's our responsibility to help them. A lot of times, those that are being abused will fight you tooth and nail because they think they aren't. A lot of times people get blinded and don't realise what is really happening. That's happened to me before in one or two of my relationships. You don't realise you're being abused and the one day it clicks and it's still difficult to get out.

I agree with what ceegee said about the Dominant's Creed. Dom's shouldn't not take on a sub because of her/his back ground. No matter his/her back ground the Dom (if a good and true Dom) should be able to help that submissive become a better person and enlighten them to the way our lifestyle really works.

[Widget]

First of all Jiggy was not banned due to this thread and there is no reason for this thread to be locked at all.. that out of the way now..

I have something I wanted to say to this thread. I came from an abusive background. Did it make me want to be in a BDSM lifestyle? Not likely I had thoughts from a very young age about being tied up, being a slave girl, being the woman in charge of the harem and so on. Those thoughts were there long before the abuse happened. Did it leave my self esteem in shreds? You bet. Did it make it so I could not tell what being treated with respect was? So I had no idea to expect better? Absolutely.

It took me many years to learn that I was worthy of respect and to never accept less. I had always chosen controlling abusive men to have in my life in part I now know because I was seeking a dominate but not understanding the difference.

Can a Dom come from an abusive background? Of course they can I have heard stories from some people that make me want to cry for their pain. It seems that most subs who are really still victims of their pasts and Dom's who are really abusers find each other. People who have been abused or are abusers are not relegated to a vanilla relationship and a great deal of people from everywhere have had things happen in their past. I think the real question is not the type of lifestyle people have but have they found healing.

It was so hard for me to get there and to realize self worth, and I still have days where I back slide. I think in the end its not the background as much as the lessons and the going forward. An abused victim who is not healed will seek abuse in any type of interactions and an abuser will dish it out. Its that simple. When they learn to break the cycle healing begins and that is what any relationship that is healthy needs for the people in it to work.

I once got so fed up with posts about can a sub say no, is this abuse sort of questions that I posted this thread which I think applies here as well.

http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=5448

I actually do not blame anyone for not wanting to take on baggage where the other person does not have a good healthy ego, its not good for any growth or makes it harder to really know the other person. I do think the blanket statement made in the thread starter is based on a desire to start a debate more than a valid point of view. After all how many people start into dating or a relationship of any kind talking about their painful past? I do not and the last time I really dumped it all out, the good the ugly and the bad is likely the last time I need to talk about it. I see no point going forward no matter who I am involved with in bringing it up again. I only would talk about it to another person seeking relief of their pain, maybe to let them know they are not alone no matter how ugly the story is. Or maybe just to say hey, I AM NOT A VICTIM and letting bad things happen. I had some bad things come my way and I AM STRONGER THAN I KNEW in the end. That is in itself a statement that I had always tried to say about my past and only now BELIEVE it.

[TeddyBearGaySlave]

Really interesting topic.
It is about half an decade ago now that I was beaten nearly to death by 5 teenagers who saw how I looked at a hairy, big man in the change room of a public swimming bath, and maybe a little cock growth too.
They followed me after I left the swimming bath and forced me to get naked and then they have beaten me up very hardly. Was half a year in hospital after that with many brocken bones, damaged testicles. lung and spleen and internal bleedings and so on. They also pissed on me and stuff. If a afraid neighboor who have seen it had not called the police they would have done the "bite in the road kerb and I kick you in the nick" thing seen in American History X, but they came just in time.
I thanked God for letting that man see that and I hated God for not making that man curagous enough for stepping out and help me, but not anymore. Maybe it would have gotten worse if he stepped out as one of the guys had a knife with him. I guess the man would not have been able to stop them, he was about 60 years old I guess. Anyway, thats beside the point.

For a year after that I was very sad all the time and I just was not able to understand why they hated me so much and why they nearly ended my life. Then came the time where I was depressed because I couldnt sleep anymore, and when I had sexuel feelings I felt dirty and guilty. I becamse very shy, aggressiv and had not many friends and not a single real friend. I also had suicide plans but then my brother committed suicide. He did that because of our really damaged family, which he could not live with and because our mother died on cancer 2 months ago. (Yeah, it was a pretty fucked up time).
I became really really sad for a long time and hated me brother what he has done (Now I think "wow, how could you be soo selfish". But then I saw a fantasy movie and one dialogue really threw me away, that changed my life:

""I wish the Ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.""
"So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. There are other forces at work in this world,besides the will of evil. Bilbo was meant to find the Ring, in which case you also were meant to have it. And that is an encouraging thought."

I cried for hours and days after that. I was very sad and very happy at the same time, I cried about what I lost and about what I got. The good things and the bad. I cried because I knew that without my brothers suicide I would just be a shadow of what I now was. My emotions were to complex to write down in a foreign language, I am sorry. From that minute my live changed completely.
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." I decided to live MY live no matter what other things had burdened on me. I will look like how I want to look like, I will do what I want to do. Since then I have made really good friends, experienced the most wonderfullest thing imaginable, living and enjoying my life with no regret when looking back. I have no feelings of hate or anger when thinking about my brother or those teenagers or about anyone else in my life. I also have never dreamt about that beating since watching the film but two times. Before that was almost every night the only dream I could remember off.

Lol I just realized that this post has nothing to do with the thread so back to topic: I can NOT remember any desire to be dommed or what you would like to call it. But since then I want it badly and what is important: I feel NO remorse AT ALL about that. That has become a part of me which I am gladly willing to accept and I am glad that I was a long time in a relationship with a man who was glad and happy to do just THAT to me, someone who fulfills his desire by fulfilling mine. Could there be a greater relationsheep between to people?
There is very important difference in getting abused by foreign people (not your decision) and getting abused by your dom (your own decision.)

Well thats, it pew. I cannot believe that I just wrote that down. Nobody knows all about that, nobody. But I guess I will feel good after I press that "Submit Reply" button, *sigh*

[Flaming_Redhead]

[QUOTE]From my extensive experience as a Dom I have come across so many subs that had been abused , physically, sexually earlier in their life. It saddens me to think that such a very high proportion of subs or wanna be subs come from an abused background.

I don't know what constitutes a "high proportion" of subs who have been abused, either physically or sexually. If you know of a study that differentiates between subs and vanilla women, I'd like to see it. According to RAINN (Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network) statistics, every 2 1/2 minutes, somewhere in America, someone is sexually assaulted. One in six American women are victims of sexual assault, and one in 33 men. In 2004-2005, there were an average annual 200,780 victims of rape, attempted rape or sexual assault. About 44% of rape victims are under age 18, and 80% are under age 30.


And people wonder why BDSM gets a bad name. It saddens me more when other so called doms take advantage of this and make subs believe this should is a "normal" way of life that they have to accept- not knowing anything else.

BDSM gets a bad name because people are afraid of anything different which they don't understand. There are predators in every walk of life, from churches to bars, and everywhere in between. The lifestyle is not immune to people posing as one thing when they are really something very different.


I personally have a rule of NEVER taking on a sub that has had an abusive background. To me it is taking advantage of someone who really doen't know anything better and is susceptible to being seriously abused by so called doms for their own perverted purposes. If you know of a sub in such a horrible situation - It is YOUR responsibilty help this sub.

All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing. Why don't you take your own advice? If you know of a sub who has an abusive background, teach her what it means to be respected. Help her break the cycle by building up her self-esteem so that she will learn to demand respect from others rather than tolerate abuse.

I come from an abusive background. I am able to be a productive member of society. I have done a lot in spite of my past. However, I do have issues. I have struggled to come to terms with what I want/need in regards to BDSM. I came to realize that what I want/need is vastly different from what I'd experienced previously in that I expect to be loved and respected by the man I submit myself to, not treated like a dog or even worse. I didn't try to hide the fact that I have issues from VoodooMan. I wanted him to know that he was dealing with damaged goods from the beginning. He has taken me on in spite of the daunting problems he will face regarding earning my trust, getting me to open up completely to him, seeing through my defenses, etc. He is making slow progress, but it's progress nonetheless. I might eventually be normal again....NAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH *ggls* Normal people worry me!

*wanders off singing* "They say I'm crazy, but I have a good time...."

[Rhabbi]

The thing is, even in a vanilla relationship there is a high incidence of people who have been abused.


Every two and a half minutes, somewhere in America, someone is sexually assaulted.
One in six American women are victims of sexual assault, and one in 33 men.
In 2004-2005, there were an average annual 200,780 victims of rape, attempted rape or sexual assault.
About 44% of rape victims are under age 18, and 80% are under age 30.
Since 1993, rape/sexual assault has fallen by over 69%.

Those stats come from Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network.
(www.rainn.org/statistics/index.html?PHPSESSID=01a18dd4df364c7d4afeef69a68bd aa4)

My personal guess is that those statistics are on the low side. Either that or I have the dubious fortune of finding people who have been abused and adopting them as friends.

All that said, I will not run from someone, or exclude tham from my life, because of something that happened to them that was beyond their control. My responsiblity, as a human being, is to help these people in any way i can. even if it is only by letting them know that not everyone judges them based on their past.

[Tasker]

A Dom can come from a past where they have been abused / witnessed abuse. I know. I grew up watching physical and mental abuse and had it applied to me as well.
In my case the efffects were to make me fight against who I am for most of my life. It took a long time for me to mentaly separate abuse and consentual play and finaly accept what I am, a Sadist.

To this date I can not use any form of impact as a punishment, instead I use other means that are just as effective in getting the lesson home. ( and to those that reckoned I was a wannabe wimp for that. Bite Me )
My pet (and my children) is the most precious thing in my world. To witness her growth as she blossomed in her submission has been the greatest priveledge I have ever had. To abuse that, to betray that total trust would be a crime that i certainly couldnt live with.

Just my 2 bobs worth
Paul

[Sir_Russell]

The latest stats I read said that about 40 percent of the women in the US had been sexually abused at some point in their life, through in just good old fashioned abuse and who would you have left?

As a Dom when I take on a sub/slave my job is to help her grow in many ways all of them positive and teach her to honor and respect our relationship, not out of fear but out of genuine love and trust.

jiggy has brought this up under another user-name and then bragged about MAKING his sub do things that I found to be disgusting.

[TomOfSweden]

The problem with Jiggy's first post is that it seem's to assume that being into BDSM is something wrong. Perverted sexuality if you will.

Here's a theory. Maybe submitting or dominating are at the very core of what human sexuality is all about. Our culture and huge brains allow us to cover this up. People are often so uptight about their sexuality that they don't even admit to themselves what they like.

Emotional crises, no matter what shape it may take can help us question ourselves. Question the very core of our being. Shock us out of a sleep, and help us shed the bullshit and false goals in life. At least it explains why so many in the scene has had various traumas.

Once a person has entered the rabbit hole there's no going back. I've never heard of people who stop being into BDSM. They might stop being part of the scene, but the fantasies never stop.

[Aussiegirl1]

TeddyBear,

Thank you for sharing you story with us all. I am sure it wasn't easy but it seems like you have come out the other side a stronger and happier person. That is great!

[TeddyBearGaySlave]

Aussiegirl1
Thank you very much. I am reliefed now to get some kind of positive response to my post.

*hugs*

[Aussiegirl1]

Aussiegirl1
Thank you very much. I am reliefed now to get some kind of positive response to my post.

*hugs*

My pleasure!

I think sometimes a post gets lost among all the other posts, but when I read yours I just knew I had to let you know I had read it and appreciated your honesty.

[pixie_dust]

IMHO, whether a Dom/sub or vanilla, if you have been in any type of abusive relationship, it has to be faced and dealt with in order to heal and grow.

To make someone who has something so painful in their past feel shunned, avoided, and/or ashamed because of their history, can only contribute to the pain that has been already endured. To me, that would be one of the ultimate forms of abuse.

P.S. TeddyBear... Thank you so much for sharing your story. You are truly an amazing person. To edure such a horrific act and to become a better person from it shows great strength. I hope others are able to find hope in your words. *big hugs*

[TeddyBearGaySlave]

TeddyBear,

Thank you for sharing you story with us all. I am sure it wasn't easy but it seems like you have come out the other side a stronger and happier person. That is great!


forms of abuse.
P.S. TeddyBear... Thank you so much for sharing your story. You are truly an amazing person. To edure such a horrific act and to become a better person from it shows great strength. I hope others are able to find hope in your words. *big hugs*

Thank you very, very much. I really appreciate it.

[ScarlettSub]

Teddy I really admire your courage and strength. You have really inspired me.

Scarlett
x

[jiggy]

A "true" Dominant will take a sub/slave on no matter what their background is.


This is unacceptable...........A real dominant would NOT take on a sub who has been abused and knows no better

[nk_lion]

This is unacceptable...........A real dominant would NOT take on a sub who has been abused and knows no better

So if a person wants to be a sub, and has submissive tendancies, because of some ass who abused them before, they do not have the right to be one?

[Rhabbi]

This is unacceptable...........A real dominant would NOT take on a sub who has been abused and knows no better

A real Dominant knows how to help a sub deal with their past and the emotions that it causes.

[jiggy]

thanks for all the welcome back PM's. Nice to know I am loved!

[Sir_Russell]

well said nk_lion. I really hate this discussion because there is so much left out, is the Dom a concerned one or is he just an abuser. No one knows the details of each relationship including those in it.

I am offended that anyone would think that I would abuse someone no matter what their past was.

[Rhabbi]

well said nk_lion. I really hate this discussion because there is so much left out, is the Dom a concerned one or is he just an abuser. No one knows the details of each relationship including those in it.

I am offended that anyone would think that I would abuse someone no matter what their past was.

I agree Russell, just because a sub has been abused in the past, does not mean I would abuse her.

[jiggy]

there are many who would take advantage of such a situation to suit their own agenda

[Rhabbi]

jiggy, there will alwsys be those who take advantage of others. i see my job as trying to prevent that. I do that through being a friend, helping when I can, and being there. But there are just too many people who are hurt for me to try to keep them out of this life, especially if that is what they want.

[Sir_Russell]

most of the abusers are from out of the life. I doubt that there is 10 percent of us that haven't been abused in a physical manner.

I remember about 30 years ago a group of us meet undercover in Tampa to share life and socialize. One day an abuser posing as a Dom convinced a young female member that he would take her as his sub. He took her to a cheap motel, tied her and beat her badly, no matter what she begged for. She was a group pet so a group of us beat this guy badly put him on a bus with instructions to never been in our area again. We as a group chipped in to cover her medical expenses.

Today I would like for there to be a way to post these assholes on the net for warning of where ever they go to next.

[bad_kitty_77]

Can (and will) only speak for myself: though I grew up with an emotionally, psychologically and (somewhat) physically abusive father, I had submissive desires and fascinations long before such treatment began. I really don't think my enjoyment of (acute) physical pain, or the desire to be dominated has anything to do with my dad, or how he treated me as a child; but that's just one opinion.

[jiggy]

kitty you may trying to convince yourself that is the case but alas.............................it may very well not be the case. It is common for abused people to try to repress and forget their horrible past

[cbtboyuk]

i just wanted to say that i'm not from an abused back ground. My parents were and are loving, stable and supportive. We weren't rich, but my childhood was a delightful one and i never felt i wanted for anything, except when flares went out of fashion suddenly at my school, but i still had to wear mine for a bit while my mum took them in. The trauma. :D

My first ever memory is of watching cub scouts (who seemed like really big boys at the time) viciously hog-tie one of their friends. i remember i always adored the bondage scenes in Nancy Drew and Scooby Doo. And at 13 and a half, i saw a man dropped by an accidental kick to balls, which seemed ridiculous given the strength of the blow, until my best friend told me that it REALLY hurt if you got hit DOWN THERE. As soon as i could get to my bedroom i was smacking my cock and balls and i've been doing it/having it done ever since.

my one abusive experience had nothing to do with home or BDSM for that matter, it was caused by the horrible homophobic policies and atmosphere of the Uk in the late 80's which meant that young men like me were left entirely isolated and uneducated about gay sex. i put myself in a very dangerous situation and was raped - that's how i lost my virginity. It was not a bdsm thing, just "Vanilla" sex.

That man nearly broke me, but luckily i started a Dom/sub relationship about a year later with an older man with dungeon who not only taught me all about bdsm, helped me explore my fantasies and sexuality and taught me about my body and what it could do, but also started the healing process. i did wonder for while whether it was my fault that i was raped, and whether it was my sub/masochistic tendencies that put me in that situation, but that is rubbish. I was naive, isolated and more concerned about being outed than my own safety. He showed me - through our sm relationship - a route to being whole again.

i totally think it is my bdsm stuff that has helped me, because consent is so crucial, and by thinking carefully about those issues, i came to realise that i was not to blame for what had happened to me, and that there was no connection between what turned me on and a violent act perpertrated against me.

i do not play punishment scenes. i do not get hurt because i am bad, or deserve it or don't deserve love. i've had racial abuse and i've had homophobic abuse, and there are no similarities between that and what i do with my Master/Doms.

i do it cos it makes my cock hard - cos it makes His cock hard. Because the pain makes me burn with joy like a bright flame, because it affirms me and the fact that i am alive. i live to be told that i'm a "good boy" and for the moment He holds my tearstreaked face in His hands and tells me i'm beautiful and that He loves me. Because the pain is the conduit for His love.

i have single tail whip scars on my back from a scene in Sydney three years ago. It was one of the most elegant, loving and spiritual experiences of my life. It was like we were dancing together, like he was painting my back with feathers made of fire or silk razors. We could tell what the other was thinking and feeling. i wept for joy.

This is not abuse, is it?

[Rhabbi]

most of the abusers are from out of the life. I doubt that there is 10 percent of us that haven't been abused in a physical manner.

I remember about 30 years ago a group of us meet undercover in Tampa to share life and socialize. One day an abuser posing as a Dom convinced a young female member that he would take her as his sub. He took her to a cheap motel, tied her and beat her badly, no matter what she begged for. She was a group pet so a group of us beat this guy badly put him on a bus with instructions to never been in our area again. We as a group chipped in to cover her medical expenses.

Today I would like for there to be a way to post these assholes on the net for warning of where ever they go to next.

I would love to see something like this Russell, it would make this internet a safer pace for all of us.

[Rhabbi]

kitty you may trying to convince yourself that is the case but alas.............................it may very well not be the case. It is common for abused people to try to repress and forget their horrible past

jiggy, just when I thought you were improving you come back out like this. shame on you.

I know people with repressed memories, and it is an extremely rare thing. I do not know the stats but personal experience shows me that most people remember the abuse quite well. kitty is free about admitting the abuse, and my personal guess is that her submissive tendencies triggered it at least in part.

kitty, this does not make this abuse your fault. What I am saying is is that your father saw your sub tendencies, and took advantage of them. this is what abusers do, they take advantage of people and opportunities.

[mysc]

I absolutly agree with Rhabbi here. I have been abused when I was 2 years old (and I do not remember that event... but have the consequenses tho) and as a result vulnarable and scared off easily. After some kids picked that up at school I was teased (and not just kids stuff, but heavily teased) until I was 15 years old. At that age my walls of self defence were zero and I was happy with any attention I could get...good or bad. So when I got my first bf I said no but didn't act upon it. After some relationships something snapped and I had no emotions whatshowever about anything anymore. I was the abuser and used men just to dump them afterwards. My sex life got more and more extreme because I just wanted to feel something. Well at 17 I ran into the wrong Dom and eventho I promised myself not to do anything against my will anymore I did it anyway. And that's even worse...

Now it's an outlet, yes I am still extreme, but it's in control. It gives me a powerful feeling that even when it *looks* like abuse to others I can stop it any time I want to. And that's something that I was looking for all my life. I want to be able to stop it, and enjoy the pain, embarressment, love and lust and when I can't handle it simply stop it...

[Uncle_Ed]

Sexual abuse:The improper use of another person for sexual purposes, generally without their consent or under physical or psychological pressure (which may include children whether abused by parents, those in loco parentis or strangers).
Physical abuse: Where one person inflicts physical violence or pain on another.
Verbal abuse: When a person uses profanity, demeaning talk, or threatening statements.

A question, jiggy. Tricking a sub and pissing down her throat? (From another of your posts) Would that not be classed as abuse? Forgive me-but I am confused by this. You appear to dismiss a large proportion of subs, yet at the same time seem, in my opinion, to be possibly verging on abuse yourself? I am interested as my own experience clearly doesn't match your own. I only know that I have sat here many times and been moved to tears by the admissions of some subs-many of whom are well-balanced, intelligent people who have come to terms with their sexuality and their leanings. They have not supressed their memories-otherwise would be unable to openly chat about them. I cannot accept that such brave souls are victims any longer or have been diminished by their experiences. I can, however, believe that some abusers have tainted their souls by their actions.

[Lottie]

I've had an ideal childhood, and loving parents. I was talking with someone who hadn't been as fortunate recently, and I think I shocked him slightly.

See, we had similar interests, beliefs and attitudes towards life. He found it impossible to comprehend that two people with such contrasting backgrounds could turn out sharing so much in common. There's no detracting from the harmful effects of abuse but - jiggy - it isn't the be all and end all of what makes us 'us.'

Look around you - read the posts. Learn.

[Iron_Lynx]

I'm really not following how you can imply that anyone who's been sexually abused can't be a balanced person who understands what they're getting into when it comes to BDSM. I admit that I was molested at a young age, but I've managed to grow since then. I didn't walk into this lifestyle blind to my options. I chose it because it suits me, not because it's all that I know.

Now, I admit that it's possible for someone used to abuse to to continue to seek it out simply because it's what they know, but that's not a given response for all people. The fact that someone has been abused really impllies very little about who they are at present, which is really all that should matter.

[cariad]

I know that I am a sub whether or not I have a Dom, and I believe that applies to many, if not most or all subs. It is not something I have a choice about. Neither is it something which I want to change, it is part of me which I have come to terms with and embraced.

Yes, I have also been abused, and I would venture to suggest that was because I was giving out submissive signals long before I was aware of such things.

One of the things which has helped me to recover from that abuse is a loving and supportive Dom. From within that relationship I am able to see how the significant physical pain which he inflicts on me is something good and how the much more minor physical pain, although severe mental and emotional pain and confusion which was inflicted on me by my abuser was bad pain.

Without my good Dom, it would have taken me much longer to reach that understanding.

I have much greater concerns about abused people taking on a Dominant role before they have worked through issues of revenge and unforgiveness. That, I believe, is when, sometimes, there can be a real danger.

cariad

[Hime]

This thread is pretty much removed from my experience. I am a sub and have never been abused; my husband is a dom and was sexually abused as a child by a step-parent. I can see, though, how someone who had been abused might be interested in BDSM as a controlled situation in which to face the things that were difficult to think about or remember on their own. In that context, I don't think it would be irresponsible for their partner to dominate them as long as both partners were honest about their expectations and limits and attentive to whether someone was getting overwhelmed or upset.

[Sadistic1]

I dont think anyone has the right to judge a person that has been abused. If anything a person abused would not choose this lifestyle especially my fortay which is hardcore S & M. I met my girl 4 years ago. In the early discussions she advised me of her past, which I wont discuss because it was in confidence.

I can honestly say my cg has very high standards and is an excellent slave who sets a fine example to others and her past has never stopped her from being the person she is today in fact its made her better.

Now as her Master I do not treat her any differant because of her past. I just do what I do best, Master her in every way I know.

Her past has just made her more understanding to others, if there was a fault in that its that she does too much for others and not enough for herself, but how can I disagree with that when in fact all she does is make myself and other happy and smile....

Keep the great work up my girl, I am very proud of who you are and where you come from..

smiles

with love

Your Devoted Master and partner.

[cariad]

Ohhhhhh, what a wonderful post. Thank you Sadistic1. Feeling all gooey inside now...

The breadth and depth of your love for, and cherishing of your slave, oozed through every word.

cariad

[Sadistic1]

Ohhhhhh, what a wonderful post. Thank you Sadistic1. Feeling all gooey inside now...

The breadth and depth of your love for, and cherishing of your slave, oozed through every word.

cariad


Thank you cariad, its very easy to speak the truth about someone you love so dearly.

sometimes good things come out of abuse....smiles...you change your direction and find someone who cares and loves you...

Thankyou again for your kind words.

big hugs..

[Iron_Lynx]

sometimes good things come out of abuse....smiles...you change your direction and find someone who cares and loves you...

I find that life usually balances out like that. Tremendous pain or hardship tends to be followed by such good things. Though, wonderful things eventually crash or taper off to a mild pleasantness. To me it just seems to be the cyclical nature of life.

I'm not by any means saying that relationships have to crash or lose all their fire, but keeping things changing in the relationship or even going through some hard times together definitely makes things more interesting, and thus passionate.

And for the record, both my Mistress and I have suffered abuse as children. I'll give no details beyond that, but I don't believe it means it's in our best interests to be excluded from this lifestyle. I think, to the contrary, we do a lot of good for each other.

[Sadistic1]

I find that life usually balances out like that. Tremendous pain or hardship tends to be followed by such good things. Though, wonderful things eventually crash or taper off to a mild pleasantness. To me it just seems to be the cyclical nature of life.

I'm not by any means saying that relationships have to crash or lose all their fire, but keeping things changing in the relationship or even going through some hard times together definitely makes things more interesting, and thus passionate.

And for the record, both my Mistress and I have suffered abuse as children. I'll give no details beyond that, but I don't believe it means it's in our best interests to be excluded from this lifestyle. I think, to the contrary, we do a lot of good for each other.


Well said and your right you both excel with each other..

[slaveangel{HM}]

I was driving home when I thought about this thread...

Whatever the sub and her Dom do is founded on a relationship of trust and respect. The submissive trusts her Master in what they do, He knows best and knows his girl well enough to gauge reactions and difficulties. Some might think that the abuse is continuing, but if the submissive of her own free will allows this, then it is her choice and safe words are always there in the back of her mind. But with time and trust, while the word is there, it is seldom used, unless during a play session there are cases of flashbacks or sudden fear to escape the situation - which I can relate to and thankfully I have a Dom who understands this and knows how to reassure and change the mind set.

The difference is the person abused didn't let what happened to them happen with free will or because they wanted it....it was done to them against their beliefs against their will, or done to them without even realising it was abuse when they confided in others.

That is why it can work, if you have a partner who you can trust with your heart and mind to take these steps, then it isn't abuse because it is willing on both sides.