Why hide?

[Cicily]

Hello! I am new to this lifestyle and have been reading the forums like crazy trying to learn as much as I can. I recently read “I is for Introducing (Semi-Vanilla Partners/Spouses) to BDSM”. When I told my husband about my interest in BDSM he said that I was “sick and perverted.” He has no idea how beautiful a D/S relationship is. I tried to explain and encouraged him to go online get informed but he won’t budge.



Other members have stated that they are in a vanilla/semi-vanilla marriage/relationship and that they fill their BDSM needs with others. This is not going to work for me. I care about him and could not disrespect him by going outside of the marriage. (Is this really fair to you and your partner?)



I have to hide who I am from family, friends, co-workers, the lady at the check-out….Why would I want to hide who I really am from the one person I shouldn’t have to? (Someone who you can be yourself with and not be judged.)



I know we all hide something. But that something shouldn’t be WHO we really are. We only get one life. We don’t always get the life we want. Don’t we deserve to have the partner we want and need? Doesn't our partner deserve to be with someone who is giving them their true self?

[gemmy]

I had (yes, had) a husband who was aware of my desires and thought I was some kind of freak for it as well. I agree about not going outside the marriage but I also knew I didn't want to live without it. (There was much more wrong with my marriage than BDSM fyi lol but it truly was a catalyst for me to move on).

On the hiding part....Why is it hiding not to publicize your sexual desires?

I truly don't understand everyone's need to put it in peoples faces? I don't want to know my friends / family's sexual desires in detail no more than I'm sure they want to know mine and certainly the lady at the check out Doesn't want to know lol

The only person you need to be true to is yourself. Of course it would be wonderful to have your spouse share that part of you too - maybe you can find a workable compromise that will help alieviate some of your needs.

Good luck :)

[Warbaby1943]

Welcome. Seems you have a lot of questions that only you can truly answer. Good luck.

[Cicily]

I truly don't understand everyone's need to put it in peoples faces? I don't want to know my friends / family's sexual desires in detail no more than I'm sure they want to know mine and certainly the lady at the check out Doesn't want to know lol

I agree. I keep my sex life/preferences private. But I shouldn't have to hide it from my partner.

I guess I just had some thoughts rattling around in my head and had to get them out.

Thnaks for the reply.

[gemmy]

hehehe always good to get those pesky things out of your head - helps one to see things a little more clearly ;)

and yes, it would be ideal to be who you are completely with the one you love especially :)

*hugs* and best wishes finding what works for you

[TomOfSweden]

So, basically you need to figure out how important living the BDSM life is for you. ...and how important sharing this interest with your life partner is.

Good luck and I hope you find what you are looking for.

[sisterhoney61 {RW}]

My first marriage was strictly vanilla. I kept my needs a secret from him because I knew that he wouldn't accept me as a kinky person. He wouldn't even accept my Paganism or my coworkers or the fact that I wanted to go back to school, etc. Looking back on it now, I'm glad that I didn't press the issue of making our marriage into a BDSM one, because he became abusive towards me. When I finally left the marriage I was literally running for my life because he had tried to murder me. If I had handed power over to him to have him become my Dom I would probably be six feet under right now.

The main person who knows now that I am kinky is my Master, of course. Though I do have a couple of friends who know, though they don't know the details of O/our relationship. My best friend finally knows (we've been friends for over 25 years now), because she has recently started on her journey into BDSM and I "confessed" to her that I was a submissive. I knew deep down that she would accept this, because she is that kind of friend. I just never told her before because my lifestyle has always been kept private.

I am not an open book to a lot of people. I prefer to keep my lifestyle private. I live smack dab in the middle of the Bible Belt and I certainly don't go around advertising the fact that I am a Pagan, so I certainly don't advertise that I am a sexual submissive and sexual masochist. I do wear my collar 24/7, but for people who see it, it looks like a silver choker and when strangers comment on it, I certainly don't say, "Well, I enjoy being blindfolded and bound to the bed and whipped into a sexual frenzy, while my Master calls me a His dirty little slut." That would be too much information, dontcha think?! But for those in the know, they can recognize the collar when they see it. And I'm sure strangers have seen Master using my hair as a leash as W/we walk through the mall.

Like gem said, the only person you need to be true to is yourself. Keep posting here, Cicily, and asking questions and learning about the lifestyle and yourself. Maybe W/we could help you come up with ways to bring your husband more into agreement with what you want and need.

[denuseri]

we only hide it from those we think it would offend, the rest we share with,, sometimes too much lol weg

[Edm_Trainer]

Hello! I am new to this lifestyle and have been reading the forums like crazy trying to learn as much as I can. I recently read “I is for Introducing (Semi-Vanilla Partners/Spouses) to BDSM”. When I told my husband about my interest in BDSM he said that I was “sick and perverted.” He has no idea how beautiful a D/S relationship is. I tried to explain and encouraged him to go online get informed but he won’t budge.

Not for nothing, but a couple of things here don't add up for me at first read.

If you are in fact new to this lifestyle, as you say... how can you be sure how a D/s relationship is, pro or con? You've read, studied, etc... but until you have had the experience, truly, saying that a D/s relationship is beautiful, gorgeous, hideous, or hellish (or anything else, for that matter) might be a bit presumptuous, perhaps? For your consideration, but until you've lived it - thinking you are turning the light on for someone simply because YOU might think you are, may not necessarily equate to be their perception of "ideal".

And as far as your husband goes - You need to weigh what matters most for you. Either your inner satisfaction rules your life, or your love for him outweighs your need for the whip, as it were.

My only advice is this: choose wisely.

Love does not come around everyday, but whips are just down the block...

[Cicily]

Edm_Trainer: You're correct. I can't speak from experience and maybe I am being presumptuous. Before I started educating myself on BDSM I thought it was just about tying someone up and causing pain. I didn't know that D/S is so much more. From what I have read and people I had talked with a D/s relationship can be beautiful.

Thank you everyone for your replies.

[stripedangel]

Maybe if you could (somehow) bring up the other parts of BDSM that are not sexual...

Explain what you know about the relationship...trust to the extreme, both caring seriously about how your relationship is going, learning together, growing together in a new way...sometimes this side of it will mean more to him. The BDSM reputation scares the hell out of people (well, some) who have never been educated about it.

LOL just a funny thought......what if you told him that he would never be turned down for sex, even if you have a headache?

Master and i hadn't told each other of our true kink, till we were married for 8 years. Even when i started being more open with Him about it, He was afraid to admit certain things, so he looked at me like i was insane, and smiled, but never told me of a preference...out of embarrassment. i began to do the same, and we backtracked on our journey together because of it. i wonder if your man is having a hard time admitting that he's intrigued......

Just some thoughts!

[cadence]

A D/s relationship is not all about the kinky sex either, it's a bond or a connection that's shared between two (or more) people. Once you start to open up your submissive side, it begins to change your whole perspective on other things in your own life.

This subject comes up quite a bit, and I prefer to stay away from speaking my piece, since I find the whole topic ends up becoming a bit contemptuous.

I am not saying Cicily, that your post is wrong, it is a very good question to ask. Yes we all deserve to have someone to share this life with, and sometimes we don't always get what we want.

I am not speaking for every person in a vanilla relationship here, I am only speaking for myself and what I observe.

Relationships and personal situations differ with everyone. What works for you may not necessarily work for me. Some people have long term relationships, complete with children and other responsibilities, it is not always so cut and dry to just leave because you now feel differently.

I don't think anyone who is in a vanilla relationship who has come to discover D/s and BDSM has intended to be deceitful to thier significant others.
We have come here with our eyes and our minds wide open.
We have discovered a part of ourselves and while we have tried to share, it may not always be welcome with open arms.

Submission goes far deeper than just kinky sex, and I have found that I would prefer to explore it rather than supress it.

I may be somewhat of an anomoly though, I do have a vanilla relationship, however I share a D/s one online as well. My boyfriend is aware of where I am, who I am with and what I like. I will say though that he is not entirely aware of how in depth I am in sharing a D/s relationship with someone else, but I am pretty sure he is aware, he is not stupid, nor am I. We will deal with that in due time.

He does not like BDSM and as long as I don't shove anything down his throat he is fine with it.
The grass may not be relatively greener on the other side, so I am not too hasty to make decisions that I or anyone else involved may regret.
I am slowly working on understanding myself and learning more of what I want and what I want to do.

Hope this answers your questions a bit.

[Tojo]

Yeah it sucks, eh Cicily? My wife has a sort of passing interest, but more in a fetish sense. We live more of a LDD relationship I guess (Loving Domestic Discipline)

It's a minefield of right & wrong really- as you say some people find solace in others, whether in an online relationship or meetings with others.

People say you can change your partner from being straight to enjoying a D/s relationship- I personally think it's rare.

Well at least you have this place to come to- & lots of nice people to talk to! :wave:

[stripedangel]

*nods in agreement with Tojo and cadence*

I didn't expect Master to get into it like i did...and i believe it is rare i was lurking, for the most part, on a site, just learning. Then i wet Master's whistle with a slightly kinky sex position, and called him "Sir" while ....(was just trying it on for size)

Anyway, before i turn this into the wrong kinda post, being a sub/slave is so much more than being locked up in shackles. mmm... Sex is only 10% of a relationship/marriage, unless there's little or no sex. Then, it becomes 90% of the problem. That is, so i've heard... BDSM is about wearing the shackles in your heart, and seriously following through. It takes a LOT of work, patience (oh, jeez, the patience!), practice, TRUST, and the list goes on.

... and as cadence says, everyone deals in their own way with their situation. i'm no authority, tho, this is only my humble opinion.

Here's my twisted Brady Bunch story: We live in a small house. Our bedroom is right across the hall from our 16 year old son. Most everything we do is kept on the down-low, though i wear a locked collar 23.5 hours a day. The boy thinks i'm just goth. lol. Maybe on some days. My husband of nearly 12 years is my Master for 1 year now. It took 4 years to get from watching "Secretary" to being bound and whipped, and finally, signing a 10-page slave contract (thanks for the link, Sir Russell!).

Let it all sink in for him....and maybe if you're patient (frikkin word), he'll come around to your way of seeing things. Maybe you can find a kinky side in him.

.....ever watch "Rock of Love" --the reality show with Bret Michaels? He's LOLOL lookin for a wife, sheesh. It's a stoopid, yet funny show...kinda lookin like that proverbial train wreck. I saw one episode...one. Ok, maybe two. The girls were told to get on stage and turn him on (in summary). One dressed sexy and stood there..........and ironed one of his shirts!!!

Define kinky!!

[Ozme52]

:wel and good luck.

[gemmy]

... Sex is only 10% of a relationship/marriage, unless there's little or no sex. Then, it becomes 90% of the problem. That is, so i've heard... BDSM is about wearing the shackles in your heart, and seriously following through. It takes a LOT of work, patience (oh, jeez, the patience!), practice, TRUST, and the list goes on...

perfect! :)

[icey]

hi cicily and welcome cicily, i hope things may improve for you in that area,

everyones different i know but unfortunately ive always found in r/ships (mine anyway) that those who call bdsm sick and twisted never really change their opinions that much, it often shocks, them scares them and is too much unknown and all too often those who are scared of the unknown dont want enlightening when society teaches them something is wrong it becomes indoctrinated and it not always that easy to show them it isnt.
but thats only my personal experiences, maybe your partners different.

just a thought but instead of concentrating on BDSM have you ever told him you prefer the more traditional roles in r/ships? more of a deferring to him as he's the man of the house,

just in small ways to begin with perhaps when hes ready to bathe you could just go run the bath for him,ask if its the right temperature and such,offer him masages when he's tired, ask him if things are convenient rather than saying you need to do for eg the shopping a hairdressing appt, encourage to help choose you clothes etc?...thats if you dont already.

leave the kinky stuff out for the time being, im not saying it will work although i alway found that men tended to actually prefer it that way, it was the sexual side that didnt change other than a few mild kinky games,

if there isnt at least a tiny spark of interest lurking around to begin with its unlikely there ever will be..if somethings not there its just not there, when a sub doesnt have the slightest 'Dominant' bone in his/her body thats never going to change and i guess you could say it's the same principle really

and in all fairness to him you cant try to force him to.

just my (long winded) ramblings sorry!

i know how frustrating and lonely it can feel and i do hope things work out for you...maybe he's just not noticed that 'spark' yet :)

[stripedangel]

[QUOTE=stripedangel;622768]

Here's my twisted Brady Bunch story: QUOTE]



LOLOL The Brady Bunch reference...we also have three other children...each of us brought two...but only one of the four lives with us.

Just read my post and had to laff about "Brady Bunch" and only mentioning one..........

[Cicily]

Icey: Thank you for the post. I enjoyed your "long-winded ramblings." Truthfully I don't care to have a D/s or "traditional" relationship with him anymore. There is too much history there (17 yrs) to even want to try. I just need to quit dicking around and make some decisions instead of letting guilt keep me in the marriage.

[silverfish]

Good luck. It is never going to be easy and I wish you all the best.

I hope that you can find a way to be happy and open in your life. If your life style and theirs are never going to meet then it is a choice that only you can make.

[Warbaby1943]

I just need to quit dicking around and make some decisions instead of letting guilt keep me in the marriage.Nothing should "keep" you in a marriage but your wanting to be there and the love of your partner. Life is short and only you can decide how to live yours.

[icey]

^ well said!

good luck Cicily :) if thats how you feel then and you're very sure its what you want the it's probably the best thing for both of you.

[Tojo]

Icey: Thank you for the post. I enjoyed your "long-winded ramblings." Truthfully I don't care to have a D/s or "traditional" relationship with him anymore. There is too much history there (17 yrs) to even want to try. I just need to quit dicking around and make some decisions instead of letting guilt keep me in the marriage.

Actually that's a good point Cicily- it's hard to imagine after X amount of years marriage, going from a traditional role to a full-blown D/s thing. I sure wouldn't want it with my wife.

We have a pretty good arrangement- she looks after me like I'm a king, & asks permission to do stuff. I 'tell her off' for doing things I don't like- & support her when things get tough.

There's far too much emphasis on what is or isn't a D/s relationship- we all have to find our own path to follow in life.

Be sure & let us know how it goes- it's good to see people take charge of their lives & get what they want. :)

[TomOfSweden]

Icey: Thank you for the post. I enjoyed your "long-winded ramblings." Truthfully I don't care to have a D/s or "traditional" relationship with him anymore. There is too much history there (17 yrs) to even want to try. I just need to quit dicking around and make some decisions instead of letting guilt keep me in the marriage.

he he. If you've been with the same guy for 17 years and the sex still ain't working... well... then how could you possible feel guilty for leaving? He's not being manipulative by any chance? Or are you one of those who worry about everything?

[Thrasher]

Guys:
Is it a paradox, or does it just seem like one that in order for a submissive to get some satisfaction s/he has to insist on putting her own needs first in order to get to a place where s/he can put someone else first?
I feel where you are at Cicily, and at times the leap of faith in yourself (when you leave) seems like blind faith, but: keep swimming.
As usual, gem is right. I also think that integrity within yourself is a hard enough goal. Never mind trying to let the people in your neighborhood into your secret too soon.
cheers

[Cicily]

he he. If you've been with the same guy for 17 years and the sex still ain't working... well... then how could you possible feel guilty for leaving? He's not being manipulative by any chance? Or are you one of those who worry about everything?


There is more to marriage than non-existent orgasms. (Isn't that why God created fingers, vibrators, and hand-held showerheads? :))

I feel guilty because he is my friend and I have been with him for half of my life. He is a good guy, just not good for me.

He is not manipulative, just very dependent on me for his stability and happiness. (No one can make you happy but yourself. I know this, he doesn't.) I have never been a worrier. I am laid back, loyal, outgoing, determined, and nuturing. I always take care of everyone around me. I guess that is another reason for the guilt. I don't want to take care of him anymore.

[jeanne]

There is more to marriage than non-existent orgasms. (Isn't that why God created fingers, vibrators, and hand-held showerheads? :))

I feel guilty because he is my friend and I have been with him for half of my life. He is a good guy, just not good for me.

He is not manipulative, just very dependent on me for his stability and happiness. (No one can make you happy but yourself. I know this, he doesn't.) I have never been a worrier. I am laid back, loyal, outgoing, determined, and nuturing. I always take care of everyone around me. I guess that is another reason for the guilt. I don't want to take care of him anymore.

I think you're my twin. I'm in the same boat - the vanilla sex is fine, but he's not a Dom, so when he tries to get kinky on me, it feels wrong. Besides, "kinky" is not my thing - submission is.

For now I'm utilizing the "submission outside of my marriage" option. And no, he doesn't know. I have a very satisfying, very intense, very happy long-distance D/s relationship. We're fortunate that we're able to spend a few days or a week together every few months, and in-between we stay in touch on a daily basis. He is the perfect Dom for me. And I'm grateful for Him. :)

[stripedangel]

Icey: Thank you for the post. I enjoyed your "long-winded ramblings." Truthfully I don't care to have a D/s or "traditional" relationship with him anymore. There is too much history there (17 yrs) to even want to try. I just need to quit dicking around and make some decisions instead of letting guilt keep me in the marriage.

Sounds like you're only there because you can't find the strength to break his heart, luv. He sounds like a great guy. i can understand your quandry.

i have nothing to say at this time that might help your situation, mainly because i don't opinionate one way or another about whether anyone should or should not stay in a relationship...there's no one who can make that decision for you.

You are in my thoughts, hun. Keep us informed, and i'm sure we're all here to support whatever decision that you make for yourself.

xxxxx stripey