How do you handle it when your Dom's not in the mood?

[nawteeone]

Granted, that RARELY happens, but today I sense he is extremely preoccupied. One part of me says a true submissive would just shut up and be of whatever service she can when and if she is required. But then the other side is like a little kid stomping her feet and saying "Hmpf! No fair! I wanna plaaaaaaaay"

Looks like M is just not in a mood to pay me much attention today. He's promised me some time later this afternoon, so I'll just have to play along, but I sure do like it better when there's some buildup, you know? I want him to use & abuse me because he WANTS to, and not just because he feels obligated. lol.

[MistressMallory]

As a Domme with no sex drive, I think I can understand why you would be concerned about His wanting, as opposed to feeling obligated, to do it. I am only really turned on when My sub is prostrate before me and writhing around like a stuck pig....I have a distinct sadistic streak and get a great deal of pleasure out of watching her struggle. That said, sometimes when W/we begin I'm not in "the mood" -- mostly because I'm never in "the mood". But by the time W/we're halfway through, I'm practically panting as hard as she is. Not always, but frequently. I know this about Myself, so I can push through the initial "Eh, I'm not really into it tonight" phase. Also keep in mind that sometimes We Dom/mes just need a break...and yeah, I think you've got it right....just drop it and accept that We're not in the mood with grace and dignity. The last thing a tired Dom/me wants to hear is whining from His/Her sub about why they're not getting any...often it may be because the Dom/me feels like He/She has run out of creative ideas, or because They are physically tired, etc., and complaints will only make Them feel guilty.

Just a few thoughts.

[nawteeone]

Yup....I hear you loud & clear. I think he just has so much on his mind, he's not in a place where he can devote 100% of his attention to me. I'm lucky that hardly ever is the case-we're talking about a man who can go 5 times in a 24 hour period, for an hour or more each time. Probably I've just gotten spoiled because his sex drive is so high, and when he's not the one initiating things, I feel weirded out, like maybe he's lost interest all of a sudden. I'm sure he'll be his normal demanding, sadistic self when the magical hour approaches.:wave:

[Jennifer Williams]

It sounds to me like his "not in the mood" mood has lasted for a short period of time. If that is the case, just wait till it passes.

Sometimes it can be very difficult to be patient. I know; patience is a thing I have no experience with. Though it happened only once, there was a time that I was not in the mood and my sub was very in the mood. He pestered me to the point that it got annoying and I yelled at him and we had a huge argument, and I said to him "I don't think I have ever told you 'no' before, so if I'm saying 'no' then I fucking mean it!" It wasn't pretty. He apologized for days. He never got pushy with me again. It is as you described; I can probably count on one hand the number of times in a year I don't feel like sex. Most of the time I want it and he might not, but that's not important, I get it anyway. But those are our natures.

We doms are not like subs. You don't tell us what to do. Don't push a dom unless you want to be pushed back. Expect to be pushed hard and in unpleasant ways.

Or, you can just be patient. He'll want you.

You could possibly also ask for permission to masturbate; that might give him relief if he's feeling guilty about not being "in the mood", and it will help you tide over.

[denuseri]

Perhaps you can find out what he is pre-occupied about and help him with whatever it is (which may simpley involve giving him some space idk), without thrusting your "needs" to the forefront.

[wyldrose]

i have been known to sometimes seduce Master, when He wasn't particularly wanting at the time. i don't really know how to describe my motivation when this happens- i'm almost never actually turned on until He responds to me, but i try anyway because i know that i can possibly make Him feel a whole lot better. i'm only able to do it because i can read Him, and i know that sometimes there's room to be playful, and sometimes it's a 'no-go' zone. i also know that He wouldn't have to tell me to back off twice, and that whining is a bad habit to have in any situation, particularly this one.

Really, i've just talked about my experience. But your Sir is different to mine and you know Him better than i do, so you'll be able to figure out if you should wait it out, ask what you can do to help take His mind off everything (non sexual) or make a more sexual move.

[ppr128]

Sometimes people do just need to be together. There have been times when what I want more than anything in the world is companionship. The key, as with 99.99% of things, is communication.

When I'm not up for it (err... so to speak), I let my partner know that, and why I feel that way. The last thing I want her to be thinking is that I'm unhappy with her, or find her unappealing. Likewise, when she really, really doesn't feel in the mood, I want her to tell me. I want what we do to be something we share because we both want it; I get no joy out of knowing she's thinking "Oh, God, I wish he'd just hurry up..."

I want her thnking "Oh, God, this is so amazing..." Which is what I'm thinking when I'm with her :)

Sometimes, after a bit of a talk and some cuddles (yes, even doms can do that :P) whatever was dragging me down has been lifted. And then I am in the mood.

And while I can only speak for myself, being seduced would be a major turn-on... after all, having a woman making it clear she wants me? How much more of an ego boost could I possibly need?

Especially given the monolithic proportions of my ego already? :P

[fetishdj]

I think it is a sub's job in this instance to do some proper service orientated BDSM. Simply be there for him if he needs you, cook his meals, make sure the house is clean, make his life in the vanilla world as easy as possible. Offer to do things for him like give him a massage, rub his feet or perform oral sex.

These activities have two main effects. First you are engaging in a sub role and so should be getting some of that nice feeling you get from doing sub things and these don't even require him to particularly participate in the process other than to be there to recieve the attention. So he does not get more stressed because he has to think about BDSM and plan stuff. Secondly, if he gets relaxed enough he may feel more like playing later. The better you make him feel, the more likely he is to want to play.

[tadri]

If he's only distracted for a little while, it could be a really nice thing, because it could give you both time to build up some desire. And if you are there for him while he is stressed out, then your connection will be stronger. When you do finally get to have some play time, it will be all the nicer for it.

[OliverBlue]

My Dom is always in the mood. She's especially hot when her black friends come around. One of her favorite games is to lock me in her pillory nude, whip me, then get one of her studs to fuck me in the ass with his horse sized dick. Then they'll leave me rhere, usually with a dog licking my dick and balls, or flies crawling on my dick. Usually they fuck right in front of me.

[SubmissiveCandy]

I know the feeling nawteeone. My Dom is busy with work and there are times when I feel like he just brings me out to play and then puts me away when he's finished. We use to talk more often and as of late we might talk for five minutes if that a day. I feel like he's slipping from my fingers. As soon as I bring it up though and tell him how I feel, he gets after me. I mean, I crave his attention, I want to be with him. He keeps telling me that it will all work out and we will be together soon but I just see us falling farther apart. I hate it.