Did I find a good Mistress?

[sub_liminal]

Hello everyone,

I am new to the community... I'm a 24-year old male sub. I have been dreaming for years to find a girlfriend who would want to be my Mistress, but to no avail... until four months ago when I met a stunning 34-year old woman. I wasted no time in telling her about my fantasies.

She initially thought it was not normal, and that I had opened an evil door with those fantasies. Then I convinced her to like the idea. Since then, she has periodically been going back and forth between enjoying dominating me in bed (she makes me crawl and beg and worship her for example) while she keeps on telling me in normal conversations that she's not sure about all this. Every next time we have sex though, she turns up the heat. We're so far deep in our imagination now that during sex she devilishly talks about caging me, gagged, twice a week when we one day live together, and using and abusing me whenever she wants on top of that, and not always giving me permission to see my friends, until one day I'm her complete servant. She jokes that I'll have no freedom but that I'll never escape her. And then once again I get the "I want love not use and abuse." during a regular conversation. And then once again, again... we have sex and she tells me I'm her bitch and I don't have a choice and I can't resist her, etc. My gut feeling is that she is manipulating me to think that our kinky sex could stop anytime, which would be hell to me... only to surprise me with a more intense session next time, which brings me back to heaven. And of course it makes me want more and I am even more hooked than previously.

I should point out that she's extremely controlling and possessive and that she has successfully alienated me from my female friends. I am also not allowed to go out without her if I'm going to be in a group of people where there are many women. It seems the only times she's fine with me going out is for sports or to go to a pub with the guys. She wants to know where I am at all times and with whom, and I feel like I'm being constantly interrogated. It seems that if I continue in the relationship I'm going to have to let her win and be contained to what she allows and doesn't allow me to do. I'm not gonna lie to myself: I become very turned on when I think that I could be nothing but her toy slave who can't do anything unless allowed and who has to work very hard for few freedoms. But in my heart I feel like she might take me away from social opportunities, which makes me question: up to what point can I let my lust rule me? Will I find myself either hopelessly enslaved by her if I decide to stick it out, or hopelessly lost without her if I 'escape'? Can I really live this kind of life where I've become completely controlled and dependent of my Mistress?

I have to add that she has an incredible, angelic side to her ranging from taking a homeless man into her home to cook him dinner to wanting to make a difference in the world in Africa. This is a woman who believes that being rich means to know you have enough and you don't need more. She's incredibly sweet and loves my extended family... she's told me how special my grandmother is and how we should visit her. She found my electric guitar under my bed (that I hadn't played in years) and is pushing me to play again, and to pursue my talents (I am very talented but never had the will to do much with my creativity).

I want to provide more information but I tend to go too much into details and I don't want to make this thread longer than necessary. Your opinions would be really appreciated. I guess what I am trying to find out is: should I be very careful and tentative about the power I give her, or should I wake up let loose and realize that I'm one hell of an extremely lucky guy and eventually surrender to her? I have a weird feeling that it's almost like I'm making a deal with the devil. It's like I would be telling her: make me an accomplished artist, quench my thirst for perversions... and in exchange I will be your total slave, forever. Does that sound about right or am I being schizo?

Any advice or comments would be greatly appreciated.

[denuseri]

This is a common struggle many if not all submissives face at various times in any given bdsm relationship; (in paticular especially so when making what some see as the transition from submissive to slave) so: no your not "schizo" imho.

Only you can decide how much of yourself you are willing to give.

I shall pray that you find the peace of mind to make the decision that is right for you and come to some kind of more formalized agreement between the two of you when and if the time ever becomes right for both of you.

Have you shared all that you have imparted here today to we who are strangers conserning your hopes and fears to your dominant yet?

If not I highly sugest doing so as it has been my experience that for things to work well, open and honest two way comunication between all the partners of any given relationship bdsm or otherwise is of paramount importance.

I wish you the best of luck in your journey.

[IAN 2411]

Hello everyone, I am new to the community... I'm a 24-year old male sub. I have been dreaming for years to find a girlfriend who would want to be my Mistress, but to no avail... until four months ago when I met a stunning 34-year old woman. I wasted no time in telling her about my fantasies. She initially thought it was not normal, and that I had opened an evil door with those fantasies. Then I convinced her to like the idea.

I advise you to tread with extreme caution, and I am not sure by reading your post whether you are asking for advice or comments. She is ten years older than you not that it is a problem these days, because my Mistress was twelve years older than me and until she died two years ago we lasted thirty years. It is hard to find a good Mistress, and let’s face it; it is hard to find any kind of Mistress. You have told her all about your fantasies but do you know her well enough after three months contact to be able to trust her with your well being, and with all respect to you I doubt it. As I said tread carefully, do you know her background and why at thirty four why was she not already dating, if she had been and it was terminated why. I know all this sounds daft and sounds like I am putting water on your fireworks but this is the person that will ultimately control your will. The main reason I am saying this is because she fell into line with your wishes so fast and done such a fast personality change that is quite remarkable. You say she is very Dominating and possessive, [caution] don’t be a 24/7 prisoner to someone that is getting pleasure from your misery while she might be receiving pleasure elsewhere. You have to make boundaries for both you and her and respect them, sit down and talk because without mutual dialogue you could place yourself in a hot place that you can never get out of. After all that I wish you the best of luck and I hope she turns out to be the Mistress of your dreams.

Since then, she has periodically been going back and forth between enjoying dominating me in bed (she makes me crawl and beg and worship her for example) while she keeps on telling me in normal conversations that she's not sure about all this.
Is she enjoying dominating you or the power that you have given her and can she be trusted not to abuse the power? She was never in the community and you as you say are new to the life style and dare i say a novis.


We're so far deep in our imagination now that during sex she devilishly talks about caging me, gagged, twice a week when we one day live together, and using and abusing me whenever she wants on top of that, and not always giving me permission to see my friends, until one day I'm her complete servant. She jokes that I'll have no freedom but that I'll never escape her.
Be very careful what you wish for because life has a knack of kicking you up the ass.

My gut feeling is that she is manipulating me to think that our kinky sex could stop anytime, which would be hell to me...
Trust your gut feeling, it has saved many people a lot of pain and grief. She is manipulating you and very well i might add.

I'm not gonna lie to myself: I become very turned on when I think that I could be nothing but her toy slave who can't do anything unless allowed and who has to work very hard for few freedoms. But in my heart I feel like she might take me away from social opportunities, which makes me question: up to what point can I let my lust rule me? Will I find myself either hopelessly enslaved by her if I decide to stick it out, or hopelessly lost without her if I 'escape'? Can I really live this kind of life where I've become completely controlled and dependent of my Mistress?
Well you had better think hard and fast before you find yourself in a situation, that if it turns tits upward that you can’t get out of.


Regards ian 2411

[Jennifer Williams]

There are a few things in there that concern me, the biggest being the conflicting messages you're getting from your domme (pillow-talk versus "regular" conversations). You should be able to explain to her the confusion this causes you and that you need more clarity as to what her intentions are. Maybe she is just playing mind games with you, but for you that isn't what you need; it is hard to trust a person when they purposefully mislead you like that.


she has successfully alienated me from my female friends
This to me is a red flag. The only reason I've known people to do this is because they don't trust. If you want to choose to break ties with people you know in order to be with her, that's okay if it's your choice. But you shouldn't be forced into it.


I have a weird feeling that it's almost like I'm making a deal with the devil. It's like I would be telling her: make me an accomplished artist, quench my thirst for perversions... and in exchange I will be your total slave, forever.

Pay attention to those "weird feelings". They are trying to tell you something. Pay attention to figure out what it is. It might be something totally repairable. Maybe you're just moving too far, too fast, and you can ask her to slow down. Maybe you're crossing a line you don't want to cross, and you can ask her to take a step back. Or maybe you're ignoring something that's blatantly wrong so you can get what you want. Whatever it is, you should be able to talk with her about this. A good domme will care about your feelings and will want to adjust the relationship so that both of your are happy. You should feel "right" and "whole" and any number of good things. You used the word "evil" a lot in your post. That's not...good.

Only you can know if this relationship is right for you. If you're feeling like you're giving up too much, then you are. You should be able to talk with her about this and work at finding the right balance of power that works for you. Discovering this in a new relationship is difficult and takes time.


should I be very careful and tentative about the power I give her,
or should I wake up let loose and realize that I'm one hell of an extremely lucky guy and eventually surrender to her?
I kinda feel like you're asking us to know by the third date whether you will marry this person someday. That's the kind of question only time can tell; but keep in mind that even if you do decide to "surrender", that it's not forever. You can always pull the plug, take yourself back, and leave. Of course the scary part is that usually hurts a lot.

[sub_liminal]

Wow, thanks everyone for such detailed advice. It's amazing to have other people whom I've never met take the time to give me wise advice. Thank you so much. :)

From what I read it sounds overall that I have to be cautious and decide where I am going to draw the line. As it turns out we saw each other this morning and had a brief chat about the extremes we talk about during sex, and she mentioned that I take things too seriously. She also said she wants to "cure" me from my perversions, but then again I'm not sure if it's manipulation or if deep down she's resisting the role I want to give her during normal conversations, but gives in during sex because it's simply too hot.

As for the female friends I did not want to go into details in my first post but, the situation is that it's kind of... particular. We are a group of two guys and two girls. We'll call me A, the other guy B, and the two girls C and D. In the past, everyone except A and B has hooked up with each other. B has a girlfriend now and C has a boyfriend. My girlfriend/mistress feels threatened by D. Even though I've repeatedly told her it was stuff that happened in the past. The truth is that I used to be interested in D, but she had her chance and she hurt me when she said the timing of our lives was off and the relationshio wouldn't work. So I feel like it almost makes sense now to distance myself from D. My mistress is the one who loves me for who I am despite my life circumstances. D did not give me that chance. Maybe I owe it to my mistress to distance myself from D...

As for the future it is true that being a total slave scares me so I will be careful about what I suggest because even though it may be a huge turn on during sex, I might be letting my mind go too far into fantasy world. A right balance would be good. I want to serve her to the extent that I feel fully that I'm her submissive, and I want to enjoy being ordered around and be under her spell of unpredictability. But having a life and friends of my own will have to be a condition.

With regards to me mentioning "evil" and the devil... well, I actually am a paranoid schizophrenic. So maybe that's all it is. In the end we are two human beings who long to have a strong, loving bond. :)

[Jennifer Williams]

She also said she wants to "cure" me from my perversions, but then again I'm not sure if it's manipulation or if deep down she's resisting the role I want to give her during normal conversations, but gives in during sex because it's simply too hot.

Well first, kinks aren't a "disease", though there are those who see it that way. There are people who see homosexuality as a "disease", too, but it isn't. It's just an orientation. It sounds to me like if your girlfriend finds it hot in bed, then into it too, and perhaps the struggle is that she's not willing to accept this part of herself. I can't tell you how that will turn out; she might embrace it, shun it, or sit on the fence forever, and really in the end what she decides about it is up to her. One suggestion is perhaps she would be okay with keeping the BDSM to the bedroom, and having a vanilla relationship otherwise; I don't know if that would work for you two but it is a suggestion for a compromise.

So maybe enjoy it while you can, in that case. Just always keep your eyes open, always pay attention to the situation around you and remember you can always re-evaluate. What worked yesterday may not work today and that's okay; just don't fall into the trap of "well I agreed to this so now I'm stuck." You can always change your mind.

Keep the lines of communication going; that way whatever happens is at least based on the truth.

I wish you good luck; I hope you are able to find happiness in your situation.

[fetishdj]

Technically 'paraphillias', which is what we all have to a certain greater or lesser degree, are indeed currently considered to be a 'treatable psychological condition' under the DMV definitions. Homosexuality used to be classified as such as well but the gays have a far better public lobby than we do so it was reclassified. Some countries now consider paraphillia to not be a disease.

Generally, however, paraphillia is usually only considered a problem from a mental health point of view if it seriously affects your ability to function day to day. So, a sexual fetish involving leather is fine if you keep it behind closed doors. If you start crawling around in public, obsessively sniffing women's shoes it may be an issue. Ditto if it affects your normal performance in sex. If you can still get an erection when the fetish is absent then its not a problem.

What may help in this case is her getting more involved in the lifestyle. She may benefit from reading more on the subject, talking to people who life the lifestyle 24/7 on e-mail or these forums and even meeting some in person. She clearly enjoys the sex side of it but is confused and lacking knowledge in the social aspects. You need to communicate with her more - get her to understand you and the lifestyle. A couple of frank and open chats about it may help. You could also do something where you each write down your sexual fantasies and then swap papers and promise to do at least one from each others list at some point.

The trust issue is a concerning one and that is nothing to do with BDSM. A lot of women have this, however, especially when their man has a hobby which they do not understand and where lots of women do it. The question in thier mind becomes 'why are they with me when they could be shagging one of those women who understands their strange hobby'. This can in some cases translate into 'clearly he is having an affair with one of these women' but since she cannot prove it (because it is not happening, I hope...) her best tactic is to keep you under control and away from women.

By the way, I don't think I have ever met (or been in a relationship with) a woman who didn't try to change their man in some way after the relationship started. This is an extreme case but not uncommon.