Did I find a good Mistress?

[sub_liminal]

Hello everyone,

I am new to the community... I'm a 24-year old male sub. I have been dreaming for years to find a girlfriend who would want to be my Mistress, but to no avail... until four months ago when I met a stunning 34-year old woman. I wasted no time in telling her about my fantasies.

She initially thought it was not normal, and that I had opened an evil door with those fantasies. Then I convinced her to like the idea. Since then, she has periodically been going back and forth between enjoying dominating me in bed (she makes me crawl and beg and worship her for example) while she keeps on telling me in normal conversations that she's not sure about all this. Every next time we have sex though, she turns up the heat. We're so far deep in our imagination now that during sex she devilishly talks about caging me, gagged, twice a week when we one day live together, and using and abusing me whenever she wants on top of that, and not always giving me permission to see my friends, until one day I'm her complete servant. She jokes that I'll have no freedom but that I'll never escape her. And then once again I get the "I want love not use and abuse." during a regular conversation. And then once again, again... we have sex and she tells me I'm her bitch and I don't have a choice and I can't resist her, etc. My gut feeling is that she is manipulating me to think that our kinky sex could stop anytime, which would be hell to me... only to surprise me with a more intense session next time, which brings me back to heaven. And of course it makes me want more and I am even more hooked than previously.

I should point out that she's extremely controlling and possessive and that she has successfully alienated me from my female friends. I am also not allowed to go out without her if I'm going to be in a group of people where there are many women. It seems the only times she's fine with me going out is for sports or to go to a pub with the guys. She wants to know where I am at all times and with whom, and I feel like I'm being constantly interrogated. It seems that if I continue in the relationship I'm going to have to let her win and be contained to what she allows and doesn't allow me to do. I'm not gonna lie to myself: I become very turned on when I think that I could be nothing but her toy slave who can't do anything unless allowed and who has to work very hard for few freedoms. But in my heart I feel like she might take me away from social opportunities, which makes me question: up to what point can I let my lust rule me? Will I find myself either hopelessly enslaved by her if I decide to stick it out, or hopelessly lost without her if I 'escape'? Can I really live this kind of life where I've become completely controlled and dependent of my Mistress?

I have to add that she has an incredible, angelic side to her ranging from taking a homeless man into her home to cook him dinner to wanting to make a difference in the world in Africa. This is a woman who believes that being rich means to know you have enough and you don't need more. She's incredibly sweet and loves my extended family... she's told me how special my grandmother is and how we should visit her. She found my electric guitar under my bed (that I hadn't played in years) and is pushing me to play again, and to pursue my talents (I am very talented but never had the will to do much with my creativity).

I want to provide more information but I tend to go too much into details and I don't want to make this thread longer than necessary. Your opinions would be really appreciated. I guess what I am trying to find out is: should I be very careful and tentative about the power I give her, or should I wake up let loose and realize that I'm one hell of an extremely lucky guy and eventually surrender to her? I have a weird feeling that it's almost like I'm making a deal with the devil. It's like I would be telling her: make me an accomplished artist, quench my thirst for perversions... and in exchange I will be your total slave, forever. Does that sound about right or am I being schizo?

Any advice or comments would be greatly appreciated.