reposting: Advice please?

[Subkitty46]

I don' know what to do or think anymore...I love my Dominate in every way, but yesterday we where playing a game where I told him a secret or story and he had to tell me one..I found out that he had 4 submissive at once at one point. And it may not be a big deal for some people but I've had to fight for attention my whole life and so I get jealous quite easily because of it. And when he told me I broke down and cried for hours I don't know why I did but some how it hurt me so much.( and I'm in a long distance relationship so i just walked away from my computer and never told him anything but "oh" and signed offline) And I have this loss of trust for him, and it's really got me reconsidering being a submissive and not wanting to be with him anymore. I guess what I'm asking is should I talk to him about it? Should I leave him? OR what should I do? I love him but just that thought makes me think of him as not the person I love but a monster and I'm just very confused
Help please?

[denuseri]

You should at the very least talk with him about it.

[Subkitty46]

I'm reposting this thread because I really need help
I don't know what to do or think anymore...I love my Dominate in every way, but yesterday we where playing a game where I told him a secret or story and he had to tell me one..I found out that he had 4 submissive at once at one point. And it may not be a big deal for some people but I've had to fight for attention my whole life and so I get jealous quite easily because of it. And when he told me I broke down and cried for hours I don't know why I did but some how it hurt me so much.( and I'm in a long distance relationship so i just walked away from my computer and never told him anything but "oh" and signed offline) And I have this loss of trust for him, and it's really got me reconsidering being a submissive and not wanting to be with him anymore. I guess what I'm asking is should I talk to him about it? Should I leave him? OR what should I do? I love him but just that thought makes me think of him as not the person I love but a monster and I'm just very confused and to make things worse I'm not a good talker about my feelings so talking to him about me is really hard advice with that too?
thank you!

[denuseri]

Answered you one time in your original thread:

http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?p=877261#post877261

[Red Dragon {mpellegrino}]

Aloha Kitty,

I would talk to him. On one hand he was being honest and it was a game you both agreed to play. I am not sure of your relationship but I gathere he did not say he currently has four subs. Therefore from the outside looking in it doesn't seem that your Dom is curently a 'monster' (if he ever was).

Don't get me wrong I understand your feelings but if you tell him how you feel and that you wish the security of being his only sub, he may well agree and be flattered you desire him so. He may say no but you will at least have give it a chance. Would you really prefer he had said nothing of this feeling he was unable to confide in you?

I keep my claws crossed all works out for the best for both of you.

Regards Dragon

[Play Ball(s)]

I suggest talking to him. You have invested a lot in the relationship so you would probably regret just walking away. Give him a chance to explain and talk with him. Things might work out better than what you feel right now.

[openyoureyes]

Communication is vital to any relationship, and I think it's even more important with being long distance. Signing offline without so much as a "I'm upset and need some time to think" is, well, disrespectful to him (even though I understand you were upset and didn't know what else to do).

I would recommend talking to him. While there may be some things in his past that you would never approve of personally, that doesn't mean the subs he was with didn't know about the others. I would not mark him a 'monster' without at least talking to him, telling him how you feel and what you'd want from him, and then seeing if he's able to provide that. Lots of people have open relationship and enjoy them - if everyone in his past situation was consenting and aware, then try not to hold it against him, even though it's something you personally never want. Make it clear to him you desire a purely exclusive relationship. You may be surprised to find that he wants the same. Or you'll find out he doesn't. But at least you will have tried.

[sdgirl]

I'm not sure I understand the problem. Is he with these four other subs now? Because if it's in the past, what difference does it make to your current relationship?

Have you discussed being exclusive with him previously?

[Flaming_Redhead]

I think it was rude to just walk away without an explanation. It's usual and customary to disclose information when getting to know someone, and it's not always going to be something the other person can accept. That's why it's best done sooner rather than later. I don't know how long you've known him or in what context he had 4 subs, but monogamy, like a lot of other things, shouldn't be assumed. It should be discussed.

[Dejah Thoris]

Hello Subkitty,

I am also in a long-distance online D/s relationship. Like you, my mind easily goes to the worst possible place sometimes and the emotions can be overwhelming.

I can understand why you were so hurt. If my partner had confessed the same thing, I also would have felt sad as well. I completely understand why you felt the way you did: If he had four subs at once in the past, how do I know that I will not become just one of many?

In addition to everyone's advice to communicate with him first, I have a tiny bit of advice that has worked very well for me. There are advantages to not being face-to-face. You have time to process any feelings before you react to them. It is so hard to do in the moment, but ask yourself "why did that comment hurt/anger me?" Once you answer that, you are able to respond: 'that comment hurt, because it seems you meant...."

You may be surprised at the response you get, and it may facilitate trusting communication.

Good luck to you.

[fetishdj]

I think your reaction will have confused and upset him and possibly even made him worry for you. I know how hard it is to be there for someone when they are upset on long distance. Take it from his point of view - you asked him to be honest and he was, he told you about a past relationship and then you disappear with no explanation. What if he had done this to you?

Now, poly relationships can tend to cause strong reactions in many people. Clearly you do not like them and that is understandable. However, you should probably have at least waited to establish what his current relationship status is and made your own position on the issue of polyamory clear. If not straight away (yeah, I can understand your visceral reaction to walk away and cry and no blame for that) then certainly after a short reflection time during which you compose yourself and think of what you want to know.

When starting a BDSM relationship there is always going to be a lot of negotiation and possible misunderstandings. The negotiation is important so as to avoid the misunderstandings as much as possible. If you make your position on other subs clear at the outset then he can tell you his desires in that area. If they are compatible, fine, if they are not you can decide if you stay or not. The important thing is that from both your points of view, everything has been settled in a sensible and mature manner.

[bbbbadbetty]

You've received many wonderful responses and I hope you've found some of their words encouraging.

First and foremost, communication IS key. When communication stops, the breakdown of the relationship begins. So, yes....most definitely talk to him. If you get upset easily, write down notes for yourself to help steady your nerves and also ensure you don't miss mentioning a key point you might want to make.

Secondly, he had these subs in the past. We all have a past and that's how we learn, grow, mature, etc. The thing to keep in mind is that he has chosen YOU here and now. Life is a journey and he is making his way just as you are. It is his past experiences that have taught him what he does, and does not, want...and brought him to you.

Finally, I would caution you to be careful of what you ask for. When you start playing games, or delving into the past, you are bound to find cobwebs and skeletons. Keep in mind that as you learn about someone, you most likely will not like everything you learn. No one person is perfect and will meet every need you have - but we accept those we care about in total.

Contact him, apologize for leaving abrubtly, and then let him know you'd like to review and discuss.

Good luck!

[Subkitty46]

hey,
thank you to everyone who has given me advise, He was busy at work and told me we would be able to talk today but to send him an e-mail and He'll reply as soon as possible. So i respectfully told him my position and apologized for walking away and im currently waiting for a reply.
i'm getting really nervous for this reply....

[fetishdj]

Good luck!

[thir]

hey,
thank you to everyone who has given me advise, He was busy at work and told me we would be able to talk today but to send him an e-mail and He'll reply as soon as possible. So i respectfully told him my position and apologized for walking away and im currently waiting for a reply.
i'm getting really nervous for this reply....

Well done!
Nervous - of course! But I do believe with all my heart that you had to communicate, for both your sakes.

The fact that he has promised to answer you sounds hopeful.

[thir]

hey,
thank you to everyone who has given me advise, He was busy at work and told me we would be able to talk today but to send him an e-mail and He'll reply as soon as possible. So i respectfully told him my position and apologized for walking away and im currently waiting for a reply.
i'm getting really nervous for this reply....


It occurred to me - would you like to spend the waiting time discussing the issue further? Why you think of him as a monster because of his 4 subs in the past?

I find myself that it helps to think with other people - it clears the mind. Often even more so with things that seem self-evident from the start.

[Subkitty46]

It occurred to me - would you like to spend the waiting time discussing the issue further? Why you think of him as a monster because of his 4 subs in the past?

I find myself that it helps to think with other people - it clears the mind. Often even more so with things that seem self-evident from the start.
I don't know, ive known him as someone else, and to find a completely different side of him is just scary and way to different to cope with at the time being.

[openyoureyes]

I don't know, ive known him as someone else, and to find a completely different side of him is just scary and way to different to cope with at the time being.

I know this can be hard, but as we get to know the person we're with, we often find out things we would never have expected about them. We all have a past, we all have secrets. Some of us are more open about them, and for some of us it takes time to reveal them.

He revealed something that shocked you, and from the sound of it, horrified you as well. It's valid for you to be worried that if he had 4 subs at one point, he might want 4 again. But this is why communication is key. You need to find out from him the how and why that situation came about and how it ended. Maybe it's something that he himself didn't enjoy and wouldn't want to try again. But maybe it's something he did enjoy and would want to try again, and you need to find that out.

I hope you get a thoughtful response to your email, and that he can quell your fears and concerns.

[Subkitty46]

ive talk to him via chat today, he didnt e-mail me back, and when i asked if he read it he said yes and signed off, and im talking to him now (2 hours later) and when i try and talk to him about it he avoids my questions and statements, is it me still or is it him? if its him whats going on because im soo lost.

[skittish doe]

Please be direct with your questions to him. Write them out ahead of time if you need to. When you are chatting with him, do not let him avoid your questions. Tell him respectfully that these questions are very important to you. Do not let him off subject, yet remain respectful. He should be willing to calmly discuss this with you, IMHO.

[leah06]

I don't understand this at all. Did he have four subs in the past and lie to them? Or did they know about each other? If he lied, then, one, props to him for disclosing it to you now. People do grow and mature, and change. Please be sure that you are not speaking to him from a place of punishing him for his past bad decisions, but that you are clear about how very important honesty is to you, and that you really appreciate that he was honest about this and want him to keep on being honest with you.

If the subs did know about each other, then what's the big deal? If monogamy is important to you, make that clear, and then let him tell you whether he can give you what you need. If he can't, better to know now than later.

[Zenmackie]

It sounds as though you've made him nervous - maybe afraid of losing you - so he's become skittish about discussing the issue. But as has been said many times here, communication is crucial. It's crucial to any relationship, but especially in a D/s relationship and even more so in a long-distance relationship. Both of you need to just suck it up and put your respective truths out there, regardless of consequence. If you both really care for each other, the relationship will survive.