Can you be identified? [Archive]

Warbaby1943

06-04-2006, 11:15 AM

At two separate parties, with at least 300 people between the combination of both, I found myself looking for outward clues as to anyone I could identify as being part of the BDSM life style. Did he/she shut up when their mate lightly touched their arm? Did he/she become nervous from just a mere glance in their direction from their mate? I looked for anything I thought may signal and outward clue as to their relationship.

Are you easily identifiable in any way in public? I say you instead of we because I’m a “wanna be” and don’t really have a real life D/s relationship. But, by all outward appearances if we were identifiable my wife and I would be identified as living the life style because of the way she waits on me hand and foot, always has and probably always will. She always gets me anything I ask for and always brings me food without being asked to do so. As we all know, looks can be deceiving and first appearances need sometimes to be ignored. That would definitely be the case if you were looking around a crowd and picked my wife and me as part of the BDSM scene in real life.

Do you have traits, other than the occasional subtle playful gesture to your D or s, that would make you stand out in public places and have someone say, at least to themselves, “I bet that couple lives the kinky life style.”

I know that in many cases your everyday life is completely separated from your D/s relationship but are you subconsciously or consciously doing something that makes you easily identified by the general public?

I know if you are doing something subconsciously you're probably not even aware of it. However, by looking back on some specific occasion you may be able to think of something you did which would enable others to see you as you really are.

I just curious, that's all.

MrDom

06-04-2006, 01:42 PM

well yes and no I can be ID'd by the way we act. I don't talk about everyone. But there are some sign's to ID us. I can usally tell someone in the lifestyle I never meet just by the way they are and the way we act. My new sub and I bumped into a couple at work. Me and him look at each other and new off the bat that we D's. He look at my girl and new she was new and that she was my sub he treated her with the respect that she was a sub. Well my girl is new to the lifestyle. When I had the chance I told her to look at him and his wife. Told her to look in her eyes and did she see something fimilar in her eyes that she saw in her's when she look in the mirrior( contemptment). Also how He treated her. So yes there are times you can tell us from those who are not. By manner and sometimes by what we wear.

MrDom

_ID_

06-04-2006, 01:45 PM

Am I outwardly obvious to others in the nilla world that look at me? By and large, that would be no. There are little things that if a lifestyle person were to watch me and my wife together, they would probably assume she is Domme and I was submissive. This is cause how I treat her. I open doors for her, help her with her coat, I let her sit and get drinks. Why is it this way, cause I wanted this way thats why. So am I identifiable, most likely not. Now if you talk to me about any social subject that includes the relationship of man and woman, it will quickly become apparent what role I take.

Warbaby1943

06-04-2006, 02:16 PM

By manner and sometimes by what we wear.

MrDom
Never even thought about the way one dressed. I guess I should have.

Thanks.

Warbaby1943

06-04-2006, 02:21 PM

Now if you talk to me about any social subject that includes the relationship of man and woman, it will quickly become apparent what role I take.
Again in my case it would also become apparent but it would be a misconception. It's just my demeanor that appears to be a Dom but if I were in a real life situation it would be the opposite except for the occasional switch.

wingsofanangel

06-05-2006, 08:57 AM

double post sorry

wingsofanangel

06-05-2006, 08:58 AM

It really depends. When I went to visit my boyfriend we went to a concert and I wore a collar with a chain leash on it. He tugged on it off and on through out the night and was rather possesive of me. Some guys punched me in the jaw when the floor turned into a giant pit... and my boyfriend looked like he was going to kill the guy, he just lunged for him and made sure he wasn't coming back for me... most of the night before the main band we just sat on a little ledge, me beneath him between his legs and he rubbed my shoulders and such...

It just really depends. Sometimes I wear a collar or what not.. we don't really -live- the lifestyle right now.. but its very obvious that I am submissive.

I can usually pick people out too who are...

Anya

her_Joe

06-05-2006, 01:18 PM

An odd but interesting experience -- I worked with "Tom" for over 15 years. He and I each "knew" about one another but never said a word. Then a few years ago I got interested in figuring out what it was that I was feeling and wanted -- so one afternoon in his office I mentioned a "web site" I had visited in a non-committal way. He looked at me, smiled slowly and said "Don't put too much stock in what you read online."

Turns out that he is dominant to his wife and they've been active in the lifestyle for over 15 years. He's become an informal mentor as I find my way through all of this.

hJ

Tojo

06-05-2006, 05:52 PM

I guess the thing is we're all different. I have the greatest respect for women, yet I love nothing more than controlling aspects of their lives.

My wife does everything for me, brings me drinks, food- the whole bit, & is subservient to me in company, yet we don't have a D/s relationship. Well not in the sexual whips n chains sense. :whip2:

I actually make a point of exaggerating her power to my mates for her own safety.

This raises an interesting point actually. Must be about time I got off my rear & made a new thread.

Tojo

His_pita

06-05-2006, 06:30 PM

Do you have traits, other than the occasional subtle playful gesture to your D or s, that would make you stand out in public places and have someone say, at least to themselves, “I bet that couple lives the kinky life style.”

I think at a glance we are viewed as any other vanilla couple. If someone was to look closer they would see that I do behave in a way that shows he is the authority in our relationship. Meaning that when we are in public and there is a question on something I often turn to him to answer it. He also orders for me at a restaurant which I guess could make people wonder. I like the thought that we are seen as D/s. It's not something I feel we should flaunt, but I don't see that we should hide it either.

StillBehindBlueEyes

06-05-2006, 08:09 PM

Can I be identified?
How many women have fussed at my subservient ways. Hummm let me count the ways….
Sorry, my hubby’s a natural Dom but he’s not sexually dominant? Well he’s not kinky. He’s not even that interested really. But, he’s very dominant in every aspect of our life. I serve him, I fetch for him, and heavens don’t let a guy talk to me and we’ve been married 25 years.
Now I’m wondering how many people assume we have a kinky life. Chuckles. He can just motion or make a sound and I’m right there, touch or nod, and I move, no kink involved for him. I just like to serve. It’s just this last year I realized why. In fact I have to be careful because if I seem too subservient it annoys him.
So I guess the answer would be yes I could be identified but in the same breath, so would hubby. So they would be right and wrong.

submissivewife

06-05-2006, 08:12 PM

Heck, do I look all subbie to you? I bet I don't to anyone else. lol

Tojo

06-05-2006, 10:04 PM

Heck, do I look all subbie to you? I bet I don't to anyone else. lol

Not to me, Mistress.

Tojo

Ozme52

06-05-2006, 11:59 PM

I imagine, unless one was garbed in fetishwear, most people would never presume any show of dominance or submission to be anything more than a dispaly of a natural pecking order.

Even those who normally wear Goth, probably aren't seen in any manner other than in the fashion sense, as out of the ordinary.

submissivewife

06-06-2006, 03:29 AM

Not to me, Mistress.

Tojo

Tried that route once...didn't work! lol

Warbaby1943

06-06-2006, 04:22 AM

I imagine, unless one was garbed in fetishwear, most people would never presume any show of dominance or submission to be anything more than a dispaly of a natural pecking order.

That is a very good point. I hadn't thought about it that way mostly because of the times we live in - woman's lib and all that stuff.

Tojo

06-06-2006, 04:28 AM

Tried that route once...didn't work! lol

Oh crap, so much for my fantasies of becoming a switch...

I imagine, unless one was garbed in fetishwear, most people would never presume any show of dominance or submission to be anything more than a dispaly of a natural pecking order.

Even those who normally wear Goth, probably aren't seen in any manner other than in the fashion sense, as out of the ordinary.

Blown out the water by Oz yet again, guys. :dunno:

Tojo

Warbaby1943

06-06-2006, 04:48 AM

So I guess the answer would be yes I could be identified but in the same breath, so would hubby. So they would be right and wrong.
My point exactly - appearances can be very deceiving at times. As I said originally, people looking for signs would pick my wife and me out and be totally wrong, at least as far as sexual kinks go. I am the king of my castle if that counts for anything.

I guess my intent of this post was to try to identify the kinky life style more than who is the boss of the household, if that makes sense. That is what I found myself doing at a couple parties last weekend. Never will know how accurate I was.

Phantome

06-06-2006, 09:54 PM

Ozme52

06-06-2006, 10:23 PM

I dunno- that just sounds like good old fashioned manners to me. I think every man should treat a lady like that, whether he is the Dom or not. Whatever happend to chivalry, anyway?
-Phantome

It's alive and well Phantome. Some of us still practice it. Don't forget, chivalry may well have reached it's high point during an era when all women were merely chattel. Even women of royal birth.

_ID_

06-06-2006, 10:40 PM

I dunno- that just sounds like good old fashioned manners to me. I think every man should treat a lady like that, whether he is the Dom or not. Whatever happend to chivalry, anyway?
-Phantome

The difference between what I do, and what chivalry would be. I don't let her open the door for herself, if she does she gets spanked, or some other kind of punishment on the spot. No hesitation, no wating for the punishment of the offense at a later time. That removes the chivalry out of it. Yet when she obeys, she feels like my princess, and in everyway she really is. This is returned to me in how she treats me. She makes my dinner, washes my clothes, cleans my house. In every way she is very much the woman who would be described in the early 50's (cept the punishment for opening doors for herself part). The more we have done this the easier it all as become. When we first started she was so used to opening her own car door I punished her nearly eveytime we got in or out of the car. I have had her to the point where she will sit and not touch the door if I happen to forget. We have found our comfort level in the whole thing so she knows when I expect her not to touch the door, and when it's ok.

The same goes for drinks, and her coat. It took some time to get used to for both of us. To find the level of restriction we were both comfortable with and enjoyed. Now that we have found that, it's nearly natural to both of us.

V/R
ID

mina

06-06-2006, 11:28 PM

Even those who normally wear Goth, probably aren't seen in any manner other than in the fashion sense, as out of the ordinary.

I have to disagree there, Oz. People can be very judgmental and if you dress like that then they assume you're either a wiccan or satanist or something.

VixeyandPhoenix

06-07-2006, 05:01 AM

I have an amusing story. Vixey is Secretary, Accountant, Servant, Sex Slave etc... A couple of weeks ago she and I were in a restaurant with another couple and after the bill arrived Vixey spent 30 seconds too long chatting away and not reaching for the credit card, I simply snapped my fingers and went back to conversation while she promptly stopped what she was doing and paid the tab. It has now become a run-on joke between my friend and me. I don't think that they have a clue.

loveslave

06-07-2006, 07:19 PM

Am I easily identifiable? Yes and no people will clearly see that I'am a submissive and my wife the dominant one but they are very unlikely to know that we are into the kink lifestyle. From my experience whether your into bdsm or not there is always a dominant and a submissive in any relationship and those parts are the only parts that show through, unless of course you walk around in a leather bustier cracking a whip. So yes it is very easy to tell if someone is a sub or dom but not likely your going to find out if there into the lifestyle.

Warbaby1943

06-07-2006, 07:45 PM

So yes it is very easy to tell if someone is a sub or dom but not likely your going to find out if there into the lifestyle.

But wouldn't that be just the kink interpretation? Admittedly I am not an expert but I have never heard of a sub or Dom in the vanilla world, which I've lived in for a few years.

Without guessing the BDSM part it would just be "she's a bossy bitch" or he is a "male chauvinist pig." If you add the kink element then it becomes more obvious, I would think. Just my opinion.

Ozme52

06-07-2006, 11:37 PM

I have to disagree there, Oz. People can be very judgmental and if you dress like that then they assume you're either a wiccan or satanist or something.

Maybe early on, as Goths first started "coming out" and maybe now... among those who are strict fundamentalists, but I think average Joe-&-Betty-America see it as nothing more than a fashion statement... or maybe I see it that way because I'm in California, which is admittedly more liberal than Mid-America.

And regardless of whether I'm right or wrong... I don't believe those who see Goths that way would think "bdsm" because, quite frankly, it's beyond the ken of their imagination to go there.

Ozme52

06-07-2006, 11:38 PM

loveslave

06-08-2006, 02:59 PM

But wouldn't that be just the kink interpretation? Admittedly I am not an expert but I have never heard of a sub or Dom in the vanilla world, which I've lived in for a few years.

Without guessing the BDSM part it would just be "she's a bossy bitch" or he is a "male chauvinist pig." If you add the kink element then it becomes more obvious, I would think. Just my opinion.

Acutally there is always someone who is submissive and someone who is dominant in any relationship just varying degrees. It wouldn't work otherwise.Opposites do attract. I actually know quite a lot of people who are submissive and dominant but not into the bdsm lifestyle. They just want to be taken care of or take care of someone else. If you judge the kink lifestyle by egther being a sub or dom then everyone is into it

Warbaby1943

06-08-2006, 07:19 PM

I actually know quite a lot of people who are submissive and dominant but not into the bdsm lifestyle. They just want to be taken care of or take care of someone else. If you judge the kink lifestyle by egther being a sub or dom then everyone is into it

I agree but without actually talking about it with them I am only guessing that they are not into the kink lifestyle. Although I'm sure most are not.

I was originally thinking about some subtle outward sign that would be an obvious giveaway of someone into BDSM interests. There just may not be any subtle signs of this. The giveaway signs may just always have to be very obvious, I really don't know.

her_Joe

06-09-2006, 01:27 PM

The giveaway signs may just always have to be very obvious, I really don't know.

Late to the party, I know, with apologies ... but my guess is that it would be just the opposite. The folk I know in the lifestyle when out and in "mixed company" are very subtle. Of course, going to a public scene and dressed in fetish wear is an entirely other thing.

But, for example, let me use Tom/Julia as an example, married and in the life over 15 years together and leaders in the BDSM community. At a "mixed party" she may sit at his feet -- but that's not so odd because there are never enough chairs to go around, or people may just choose to indulge in being near their mate, right? She serves him and, after 15 years, anticipates his every need or desire. Sometimes their eyes meet. Each time she does something, he smiles at her proudly, sometimes touches her head or shoulder, whispers once or twice.

Others think, from comments I've heard in other contexts, that they are very close, he is grateful and gracious, she "spoils" him, and no one comments on how she follows him in or out of a room, or the party, head down -- though she is, in business, a fairly powerful woman in the local community. I'm sure everyone would be "shocked" to find out that he is a Master and a mentor in the single tail society and that they often demonstrate different scenes for BDSM audiences.

I have a game I play when I (frequently) travel -- I like to watch people to see if I can locate people who may be in the lifestyle. What I watch is their eyes to see who would thrive beneath the whip or handling it. Of course I have no way to know if I'm right or wrong, but I don't think of clothing or overt body language as much of a signpost.

Did I add something? HOpe so.

hJ

Blue_Monday

06-09-2006, 09:44 PM

I agree, Joe, that the only way to know is to watch a person's eyes or face. I find outward signs typically to be misleading. Plenty of people wear certain clothing or have a certain relationship dynamic, completely unrelated to BDSM.

I can't even say what it is about some people that makes me pause to wonder. I tend to be on the lookout for dominant guys rather than subs or women. There is one guy where I work now who has caught my attention--he's not in a position of power, but I can tell that he enjoys responsibility and leadership. He's comfortable with himself and with asking for what he wants, but he's also very courteous and respectful, even to lowly admins like me. :-) I can see him ordering a woman to her knees, taking what is his, then giving her a nice bath.

More than wondering about other people, I wonder if they can tell about *me*. I'm 100% taken, but the idea of others (especially male doms) having that certain feeling about me is positively delicious!

her_Joe

06-10-2006, 10:53 AM

Thank you, B_M. My guess is that everyone enjoys being "wanted," but that probably it is women who most often get to experience the tingle of it.

hJ

eviana

06-10-2006, 09:36 PM

I am frequently identified because I wear an Eternity collar and wrist and ankle cuffs. I also have my Story of O ring on my left ring finger. This time of year they are particularly visible. Up until recently I wore them 24/7 but because I have started working in an area where no one is allowed to wear jewelry around their neck or on their hands or arms I have received permission to remove my collar and wrist cuffs during working hours. I feel quite naked without them.

Does it bother me when I am stared at or questioned about them? No, I am proud and honoured to be my Master's cherished slave. When I am asked why I wear them I tell the questioner that they are symbols in my chosen lifestyle that represent the commitment that my man and I have made to each other. That they are not unlike engagement and/or wedding rings as they were given and received in a ceremony where vows and promises were made.

On the other hand I don't think most people would ever guess that Master is into BDSM except when he is with me. He certainly doesn't dress the part. His dominance is soft spoken and subtle although he has been outed once or twice when he has forgotten and called me slave in public.

I have never felt that I was being discriminated against when outed although I know there are people who wouldn't approve. I am fortunate of course that I live in a city where the population is far more liberal and accepting than most.

Warbaby1943

06-11-2006, 04:19 AM

Late to the party,

I have a game I play when I (frequently) travel -- I like to watch people to see if I can locate people who may be in the lifestyle. What I watch is their eyes to see who would thrive beneath the whip or handling it. Of course I have no way to know if I'm right or wrong, but I don't think of clothing or overt body language as much of a signpost.

Did I add something? HOpe so.

Never too late and yes you did add to this discussion, thanks.

That was my reason for starting this thread because I too found myself trying to identify those in the lifestyle. Seems by the posts here that is a very hard thing to do, which originally would have been my guess.

Phantome

06-11-2006, 03:57 PM

It's alive and well Phantome. Some of us still practice it. Don't forget, chivalry may well have reached it's high point during an era when all women were merely chattel. Even women of royal birth.

You never fail to make a point, Oz. :) Perhaps I just like the idea of a gentleman; the assholes seem to be everywhere these days...
-Phantome

Ilfyr

06-12-2006, 05:57 PM

It would depend on the person doing the observing I guess, some people are definately more aware of their surroundings, but then they would also have to be willing to look for certain tells and recognize them. (THis is all theoretical).

On the other hand, it would depend on how conifdent and safe the person or couple is in different situations. Also very much the 'mood' the person is in, which I have found is very important as to the signals a person will send out. The more of a 'mood' positive or negative, tends to have larger tells.

Warbaby1943

06-12-2006, 06:47 PM

It would depend on the person doing the observing I guess, some people are definately more aware of their surroundings, but then they would also have to be willing to look for certain tells and recognize them. (THis is all theoretical).

Yes but aren't those tells you refer to also part of the vanilla world? That is what I have gotten out of this thread.

Ilfyr

06-12-2006, 08:09 PM

Wasn't that the question?

Warbaby1943

06-13-2006, 04:59 AM

Wasn't that the question?
My intent was to ask if there were telltale signs that would define you as being part of the BDSM lifestyle. That's what I meant by "Can you be identified?"

What I have gotten out of this thread is that BDSM and vanilla lifestyles have many overlapping signs that could be interpreted either way. So probably in most cases you couldn't be identified.

her_Joe

06-14-2006, 04:38 PM

What I have gotten out of this thread is that BDSM and vanilla lifestyles have many overlapping signs that could be interpreted either way. So probably in most cases you couldn't be identified.

I'm reaching a different conclusion, and not sure which if either is correct -- that you can be identified, just not by a prescribed sign or set of signs, that usually it's a sense or attitude or feel communicated via something like a "vibe" -- no?

hJ

orchid

06-14-2006, 05:40 PM

It's not something I feel we should flaunt, but I don't see that we should hide it either.

i totally agree.

am i identifiable? i don't know but i would guess so if people knew what they were looking for.

Warbaby1943

06-14-2006, 08:38 PM

i totally agree.

am i identifiable? i don't know but i would guess so if people knew what they were looking for.
Good point. I'm not at all sure what to look for. Vanilla and BDSM seem to have so many telltale signs in common.:freakout:

Blue_Monday

06-16-2006, 09:30 PM

I'm reaching a different conclusion, and not sure which if either is correct -- that you can be identified, just not by a prescribed sign or set of signs, that usually it's a sense or attitude or feel communicated via something like a "vibe" -- no?

hJ

Once again, I'm with you. Behaviors, jewelry, or clothing that looks BDSM-related could just be a relationship dynamic or fashion statement. I think there are plenty of BDSM-ers running around in suits and ties, or shorts and T-shirts, looking quite innocent. But sometimes you just get that feeling.

Ozme52

06-17-2006, 01:25 AM

You never fail to make a point, Oz. :) Perhaps I just like the idea of a gentleman; the assholes seem to be everywhere these days...
-Phantome

Ever notice that the words chivalry and cavalier (as in cavalier attitude) are both rooted from the same word/concept?

quietkarin

06-25-2006, 01:35 PM

Looking back at the original question, I was reminded of a wedding I performed at (I'm a violinist) this weekend. Drove 2 hours from my urban home to the middle of "Podunk" Georgia. Ceremony was held in a large Baptist church.

The bride was about 22. Groom was maybe 26 and an Air Force captain. It was emphasized that this was a "Christian" marriage a couple of times. Vows included the following:
- Wife agreed in the statement of intent ("I do" part) to submit to her husband in all things.
- Wife's vows (which the couple apparently wrote themselves) included "obeying" her husband.
- At 3 different places in the ceremony the passage from 1 Corinthians about the "husband is the head of the wife" was mentioned.

I found myself thinking that it almost sounded like a "master-slave" ceremony, except that her parents were sitting there... Maybe they meant "Christian" marriage as in the type of about 2000 years ago? :/

Warbaby1943

06-25-2006, 02:39 PM

- Wife agreed in the statement of intent ("I do" part) to submit to her husband in all things.
- Wife's vows (which the couple apparently wrote themselves) included "obeying" her husband.
- At 3 different places in the ceremony the passage from 1 Corinthians about the "husband is the head of the wife" was mentioned.

Maybe this was intentional and related to the lifestyle but then again who knows? It could be just another instance where vanilla and BDSM overlap and become indistinguishable from each other.