Can you be identified?

[Warbaby1943]

At two separate parties, with at least 300 people between the combination of both, I found myself looking for outward clues as to anyone I could identify as being part of the BDSM life style. Did he/she shut up when their mate lightly touched their arm? Did he/she become nervous from just a mere glance in their direction from their mate? I looked for anything I thought may signal and outward clue as to their relationship.

Are you easily identifiable in any way in public? I say you instead of we because I’m a “wanna be” and don’t really have a real life D/s relationship. But, by all outward appearances if we were identifiable my wife and I would be identified as living the life style because of the way she waits on me hand and foot, always has and probably always will. She always gets me anything I ask for and always brings me food without being asked to do so. As we all know, looks can be deceiving and first appearances need sometimes to be ignored. That would definitely be the case if you were looking around a crowd and picked my wife and me as part of the BDSM scene in real life.

Do you have traits, other than the occasional subtle playful gesture to your D or s, that would make you stand out in public places and have someone say, at least to themselves, “I bet that couple lives the kinky life style.”

I know that in many cases your everyday life is completely separated from your D/s relationship but are you subconsciously or consciously doing something that makes you easily identified by the general public?

I know if you are doing something subconsciously you're probably not even aware of it. However, by looking back on some specific occasion you may be able to think of something you did which would enable others to see you as you really are.

I just curious, that's all.

[MrDom]

well yes and no I can be ID'd by the way we act. I don't talk about everyone. But there are some sign's to ID us. I can usally tell someone in the lifestyle I never meet just by the way they are and the way we act. My new sub and I bumped into a couple at work. Me and him look at each other and new off the bat that we D's. He look at my girl and new she was new and that she was my sub he treated her with the respect that she was a sub. Well my girl is new to the lifestyle. When I had the chance I told her to look at him and his wife. Told her to look in her eyes and did she see something fimilar in her eyes that she saw in her's when she look in the mirrior( contemptment). Also how He treated her. So yes there are times you can tell us from those who are not. By manner and sometimes by what we wear.


MrDom

[_ID_]

Am I outwardly obvious to others in the nilla world that look at me? By and large, that would be no. There are little things that if a lifestyle person were to watch me and my wife together, they would probably assume she is Domme and I was submissive. This is cause how I treat her. I open doors for her, help her with her coat, I let her sit and get drinks. Why is it this way, cause I wanted this way thats why. So am I identifiable, most likely not. Now if you talk to me about any social subject that includes the relationship of man and woman, it will quickly become apparent what role I take.

[Warbaby1943]

By manner and sometimes by what we wear.

MrDom

Never even thought about the way one dressed. I guess I should have.

Thanks.

[Warbaby1943]

Now if you talk to me about any social subject that includes the relationship of man and woman, it will quickly become apparent what role I take.

Again in my case it would also become apparent but it would be a misconception. It's just my demeanor that appears to be a Dom but if I were in a real life situation it would be the opposite except for the occasional switch.

[wingsofanangel]

double post sorry

[wingsofanangel]

It really depends. When I went to visit my boyfriend we went to a concert and I wore a collar with a chain leash on it. He tugged on it off and on through out the night and was rather possesive of me. Some guys punched me in the jaw when the floor turned into a giant pit... and my boyfriend looked like he was going to kill the guy, he just lunged for him and made sure he wasn't coming back for me... most of the night before the main band we just sat on a little ledge, me beneath him between his legs and he rubbed my shoulders and such...

It just really depends. Sometimes I wear a collar or what not.. we don't really -live- the lifestyle right now.. but its very obvious that I am submissive.

I can usually pick people out too who are...

Anya

[her_Joe]

An odd but interesting experience -- I worked with "Tom" for over 15 years. He and I each "knew" about one another but never said a word. Then a few years ago I got interested in figuring out what it was that I was feeling and wanted -- so one afternoon in his office I mentioned a "web site" I had visited in a non-committal way. He looked at me, smiled slowly and said "Don't put too much stock in what you read online."

Turns out that he is dominant to his wife and they've been active in the lifestyle for over 15 years. He's become an informal mentor as I find my way through all of this.

hJ

[Tojo]

I guess the thing is we're all different. I have the greatest respect for women, yet I love nothing more than controlling aspects of their lives.

My wife does everything for me, brings me drinks, food- the whole bit, & is subservient to me in company, yet we don't have a D/s relationship. Well not in the sexual whips n chains sense.

I actually make a point of exaggerating her power to my mates for her own safety.

This raises an interesting point actually. Must be about time I got off my rear & made a new thread.

Tojo

[His_pita]

Do you have traits, other than the occasional subtle playful gesture to your D or s, that would make you stand out in public places and have someone say, at least to themselves, “I bet that couple lives the kinky life style.”

I think at a glance we are viewed as any other vanilla couple. If someone was to look closer they would see that I do behave in a way that shows he is the authority in our relationship. Meaning that when we are in public and there is a question on something I often turn to him to answer it. He also orders for me at a restaurant which I guess could make people wonder. I like the thought that we are seen as D/s. It's not something I feel we should flaunt, but I don't see that we should hide it either.

[StillBehindBlueEyes]

Can I be identified?
How many women have fussed at my subservient ways. Hummm let me count the ways….
Sorry, my hubby’s a natural Dom but he’s not sexually dominant? Well he’s not kinky. He’s not even that interested really. But, he’s very dominant in every aspect of our life. I serve him, I fetch for him, and heavens don’t let a guy talk to me and we’ve been married 25 years.
Now I’m wondering how many people assume we have a kinky life. Chuckles. He can just motion or make a sound and I’m right there, touch or nod, and I move, no kink involved for him. I just like to serve. It’s just this last year I realized why. In fact I have to be careful because if I seem too subservient it annoys him.
So I guess the answer would be yes I could be identified but in the same breath, so would hubby. So they would be right and wrong.

[submissivewife]

Heck, do I look all subbie to you? I bet I don't to anyone else. lol

[Tojo]

Heck, do I look all subbie to you? I bet I don't to anyone else. lol

Not to me, Mistress.


Tojo

[Ozme52]

I imagine, unless one was garbed in fetishwear, most people would never presume any show of dominance or submission to be anything more than a dispaly of a natural pecking order.

Even those who normally wear Goth, probably aren't seen in any manner other than in the fashion sense, as out of the ordinary.

[submissivewife]

Not to me, Mistress.


Tojo

Tried that route once...didn't work! lol

[Warbaby1943]

I imagine, unless one was garbed in fetishwear, most people would never presume any show of dominance or submission to be anything more than a dispaly of a natural pecking order.

That is a very good point. I hadn't thought about it that way mostly because of the times we live in - woman's lib and all that stuff.

[Tojo]

Tried that route once...didn't work! lol

Oh crap, so much for my fantasies of becoming a switch...

I imagine, unless one was garbed in fetishwear, most people would never presume any show of dominance or submission to be anything more than a dispaly of a natural pecking order.

Even those who normally wear Goth, probably aren't seen in any manner other than in the fashion sense, as out of the ordinary.

Blown out the water by Oz yet again, guys.

Tojo

[Warbaby1943]

So I guess the answer would be yes I could be identified but in the same breath, so would hubby. So they would be right and wrong.

My point exactly - appearances can be very deceiving at times. As I said originally, people looking for signs would pick my wife and me out and be totally wrong, at least as far as sexual kinks go. I am the king of my castle if that counts for anything.

I guess my intent of this post was to try to identify the kinky life style more than who is the boss of the household, if that makes sense. That is what I found myself doing at a couple parties last weekend. Never will know how accurate I was.

[Phantome]

Am I outwardly obvious to others in the nilla world that look at me? By and large, that would be no. There are little things that if a lifestyle person were to watch me and my wife together, they would probably assume she is Domme and I was submissive. This is cause how I treat her. I open doors for her, help her with her coat, I let her sit and get drinks. Why is it this way, cause I wanted this way thats why. So am I identifiable, most likely not. Now if you talk to me about any social subject that includes the relationship of man and woman, it will quickly become apparent what role I take.

I dunno- that just sounds like good old fashioned manners to me. I think every man should treat a lady like that, whether he is the Dom or not. Whatever happend to chivalry, anyway?
-Phantome

[Ozme52]

I dunno- that just sounds like good old fashioned manners to me. I think every man should treat a lady like that, whether he is the Dom or not. Whatever happend to chivalry, anyway?
-Phantome

It's alive and well Phantome. Some of us still practice it. Don't forget, chivalry may well have reached it's high point during an era when all women were merely chattel. Even women of royal birth.

[_ID_]

I dunno- that just sounds like good old fashioned manners to me. I think every man should treat a lady like that, whether he is the Dom or not. Whatever happend to chivalry, anyway?
-Phantome

The difference between what I do, and what chivalry would be. I don't let her open the door for herself, if she does she gets spanked, or some other kind of punishment on the spot. No hesitation, no wating for the punishment of the offense at a later time. That removes the chivalry out of it. Yet when she obeys, she feels like my princess, and in everyway she really is. This is returned to me in how she treats me. She makes my dinner, washes my clothes, cleans my house. In every way she is very much the woman who would be described in the early 50's (cept the punishment for opening doors for herself part). The more we have done this the easier it all as become. When we first started she was so used to opening her own car door I punished her nearly eveytime we got in or out of the car. I have had her to the point where she will sit and not touch the door if I happen to forget. We have found our comfort level in the whole thing so she knows when I expect her not to touch the door, and when it's ok.

The same goes for drinks, and her coat. It took some time to get used to for both of us. To find the level of restriction we were both comfortable with and enjoyed. Now that we have found that, it's nearly natural to both of us.

V/R
ID

[mina]

Even those who normally wear Goth, probably aren't seen in any manner other than in the fashion sense, as out of the ordinary.

I have to disagree there, Oz. People can be very judgmental and if you dress like that then they assume you're either a wiccan or satanist or something.

[VixeyandPhoenix]

I have an amusing story. Vixey is Secretary, Accountant, Servant, Sex Slave etc... A couple of weeks ago she and I were in a restaurant with another couple and after the bill arrived Vixey spent 30 seconds too long chatting away and not reaching for the credit card, I simply snapped my fingers and went back to conversation while she promptly stopped what she was doing and paid the tab. It has now become a run-on joke between my friend and me. I don't think that they have a clue.

[loveslave]

Am I easily identifiable? Yes and no people will clearly see that I'am a submissive and my wife the dominant one but they are very unlikely to know that we are into the kink lifestyle. From my experience whether your into bdsm or not there is always a dominant and a submissive in any relationship and those parts are the only parts that show through, unless of course you walk around in a leather bustier cracking a whip. So yes it is very easy to tell if someone is a sub or dom but not likely your going to find out if there into the lifestyle.

[Warbaby1943]

So yes it is very easy to tell if someone is a sub or dom but not likely your going to find out if there into the lifestyle.

But wouldn't that be just the kink interpretation? Admittedly I am not an expert but I have never heard of a sub or Dom in the vanilla world, which I've lived in for a few years.

Without guessing the BDSM part it would just be "she's a bossy bitch" or he is a "male chauvinist pig." If you add the kink element then it becomes more obvious, I would think. Just my opinion.

[Ozme52]

I have to disagree there, Oz. People can be very judgmental and if you dress like that then they assume you're either a wiccan or satanist or something.

Maybe early on, as Goths first started "coming out" and maybe now... among those who are strict fundamentalists, but I think average Joe-&-Betty-America see it as nothing more than a fashion statement... or maybe I see it that way because I'm in California, which is admittedly more liberal than Mid-America.

And regardless of whether I'm right or wrong... I don't believe those who see Goths that way would think "bdsm" because, quite frankly, it's beyond the ken of their imagination to go there.

[Ozme52]

I have an amusing story. Vixey is Secretary, Accountant, Servant, Sex Slave etc... A couple of weeks ago she and I were in a restaurant with another couple and after the bill arrived Vixey spent 30 seconds too long chatting away and not reaching for the credit card, I simply snapped my fingers and went back to conversation while she promptly stopped what she was doing and paid the tab. It has now become a run-on joke between my friend and me. I don't think that they have a clue.

That's right to my point that such behavior, even if noted, is considered "normal" behavior for many vanilla male-female relationships.

[loveslave]

But wouldn't that be just the kink interpretation? Admittedly I am not an expert but I have never heard of a sub or Dom in the vanilla world, which I've lived in for a few years.

Without guessing the BDSM part it would just be "she's a bossy bitch" or he is a "male chauvinist pig." If you add the kink element then it becomes more obvious, I would think. Just my opinion.

Acutally there is always someone who is submissive and someone who is dominant in any relationship just varying degrees. It wouldn't work otherwise.Opposites do attract. I actually know quite a lot of people who are submissive and dominant but not into the bdsm lifestyle. They just want to be taken care of or take care of someone else. If you judge the kink lifestyle by egther being a sub or dom then everyone is into it

[Warbaby1943]

I actually know quite a lot of people who are submissive and dominant but not into the bdsm lifestyle. They just want to be taken care of or take care of someone else. If you judge the kink lifestyle by egther being a sub or dom then everyone is into it

I agree but without actually talking about it with them I am only guessing that they are not into the kink lifestyle. Although I'm sure most are not.

I was originally thinking about some subtle outward sign that would be an obvious giveaway of someone into BDSM interests. There just may not be any subtle signs of this. The giveaway signs may just always have to be very obvious, I really don't know.

[her_Joe]

The giveaway signs may just always have to be very obvious, I really don't know.

Late to the party, I know, with apologies ... but my guess is that it would be just the opposite. The folk I know in the lifestyle when out and in "mixed company" are very subtle. Of course, going to a public scene and dressed in fetish wear is an entirely other thing.

But, for example, let me use Tom/Julia as an example, married and in the life over 15 years together and leaders in the BDSM community. At a "mixed party" she may sit at his feet -- but that's not so odd because there are never enough chairs to go around, or people may just choose to indulge in being near their mate, right? She serves him and, after 15 years, anticipates his every need or desire. Sometimes their eyes meet. Each time she does something, he smiles at her proudly, sometimes touches her head or shoulder, whispers once or twice.

Others think, from comments I've heard in other contexts, that they are very close, he is grateful and gracious, she "spoils" him, and no one comments on how she follows him in or out of a room, or the party, head down -- though she is, in business, a fairly powerful woman in the local community. I'm sure everyone would be "shocked" to find out that he is a Master and a mentor in the single tail society and that they often demonstrate different scenes for BDSM audiences.

I have a game I play when I (frequently) travel -- I like to watch people to see if I can locate people who may be in the lifestyle. What I watch is their eyes to see who would thrive beneath the whip or handling it. Of course I have no way to know if I'm right or wrong, but I don't think of clothing or overt body language as much of a signpost.

Did I add something? HOpe so.

hJ