Married Vanilla........

[Psynymph]

So i'm new and i hope this isn't too, errr umm....forward...being new and all, posting a thread....but here goes.

So i've known my husband for five years come october 15th, well we've been together this long. a long time especially for someone my age ( i'm 20, he's 25). the problem is, is that i'm into the bdsm lifestyle. like the full lifestyle. i want a D/s relationship 24/7.

and i introduced him to the lifestyle. educated him about it, told him my desires, and we made a stab at the D/s lifestyle. after about two months he told me flat out, it just wasnt something he was into. in fact, if he had to, he's consider himself a submissive. which is fine, i understand you can't make someone like something.

but what do i do?

we just went through a seperation period. and although this wasn't the only thing, the bdsm thing was definitely a BIG part of the reason for the seperation.

and during our seperation, i've found a Master to train me. He's fully aware of my situation, so i'm not owned, just training. and my Master is great. let me tell you, i got lucky enough to find a good one.

but i still love my husband. and i'd like to get back with him, but i also love this lifestyle. the more i learn, the more i desire.

what am i to do??? please absolutely any advice is welcomed. and if more info is needed, just ask.

thank you-kate

[Sir_G]

That is a tough one Kate. I know I've been into bdsm for many years on and off. When I finally acknowledged it was a part of me, the sense of freedom and joy was simply amazing. My current wife tried it and didn't like it. With her I thought I had found a way of becoming whole and being able to express my self, desires and so on. Now she just wont play and I respect that but I was thinking only yesterday, did I want a sexless, unfulfilled life for as long as we were together. My short answer is no.

What I do with that answer remains to be seen. There are obviously more issues I have to take into account. The old saying "know thyself" has always been a guiding light for me and part of that is knowing what I want. It's ironic that at 47 I finally know what I want but baulk at going out and getting it. Loving someone complicates the issue even more.

No one can tell you what to do and being able to make up our own minds is one of the few true freedoms we have left. If I can offer one piece of advice it would be make up your own mind and pursue your choice like there is no tommorrow. Hope this helps. I know the quandry you are in.

[Psynymph]

yes i think i am lucky enough to come to this point as such a young age.....but i'm also thinking that since i am so young i should give my marriage a little bit more time.

but thanks for Your reply! :D

[Tojo]

First up, welcome. I hope you have a great time here.

As for whether you should choose a straight or kinky life, well you know who has to decide that??

None of us can make the decision, even if we knew your full circumstances. Don't believe otherwise.

Myself I'm happily married for 15 years to a 'straight' woman who's very sexy & just wonderful. I love her very much.

I also have a girl I have an online relationship with, mostly as a mentor & supporter to her, but I do 'own' her in some ways. I also act as a kind of mentor/friend to a lovely lady I plan on meeting in r/l for some fun.

No sex play, just a little bondage, & an intro to D/s. Maybe that's wrong, maybe it's cheating, but it's what I do.

Good luck in your decision- don't throw away a potentially good relationship for a kinky life, but then don't live your life in misery....:confused:


Tojo

[Sir_G]

Just to clear up a point, in my mind anyway. I wasn't saying you should choose kink over your marriage or vice versa. Just what ever you decide to do pursue it like there was no tomorrow. I shared my situation to illustrate the point.

[master 327-834-200]

That is a tough one Kate. I know I've been into bdsm for many years on and off. When I finally acknowledged it was a part of me, the sense of freedom and joy was simply amazing. My current wife tried it and didn't like it. With her I thought I had found a way of becoming whole and being able to express my self, desires and so on. Now she just wont play and I respect that but I was thinking only yesterday, did I want a sexless, unfulfilled life for as long as we were together. My short answer is no.

What I do with that answer remains to be seen. There are obviously more issues I have to take into account. The old saying "know thyself" has always been a guiding light for me and part of that is knowing what I want. It's ironic that at 47 I finally know what I want but baulk at going out and getting it. Loving someone complicates the issue even more.

No one can tell you what to do and being able to make up our own minds is one of the few true freedoms we have left. If I can offer one piece of advice it would be make up your own mind and pursue your choice like there is no tommorrow. Hope this helps. I know the quandry you are in.

Some very difficult issues dealt with very sensitively. I feel for you mate as I am a little younger than you but facing (from what I percive by your comments) very similar tough decisions.

And in reply to the original post, living with someone can also be about having to make the tough choices as well as enjoying the security of a strong partnership.

Good luck to you both.

[Warbaby1943]

Kate,

I know you have already tried talking but did you tell your husband about your Master.

No one but you can ultimately decide what to do. I myself have been in a vanilla marriage for many years and am still happily married though she wants nothing to do with anything kinky. I made my choice years ago to live with that decision. I felt I would be much better off because of our love for each other than to shit can her because of her lack of kinky desires. I have a beautiful family because of that decision.

With you being young you need to do what I can't or don't have the guts to do, tell your husband about your Master. If he accepts that you need both him and your Master then your decision becomes easier, doesn't it? If, however, he does not, then you have to choose how you want to live your live. You're way too young to be miserable for the rest of it or, worse yet, later to look back and say I wish I had.

It is a tough decision but if I've learned anything from this community, the desire for this life style does not subside easily.

I wish you the best of luck but remember communication is the key to any relationship.

[Psynymph]

Yes i was thinking of doing just that War. i told him about my Master, but at the time i called off training because me and my husband were getting back together. but i've found i can't stay away no matter what.

so i'm thinking i'm going to have to approach the subject again with my husband and maybe have a showing. maybe have my Master dom me for my husband.....lol....yeah i know fantasy world!!!!

thanks E/everyone for Y/your comments!!!!

[Warbaby1943]

Yes i was thinking of doing just that War. i told him about my Master, but at the time i called off training because me and my husband were getting back together. but i've found i can't stay away no matter what.

so i'm thinking i'm going to have to approach the subject again with my husband and maybe have a showing. maybe have my Master dom me for my husband.....lol....yeah i know fantasy world!!!!

thanks E/everyone for Y/your comments!!!!
Kate,

I personally think you are making the right decision to talk with hubby again especially since you can't live without Master.

I wish you all the luck in the world and I'll send a prayer your way tonight to help you.

Keep us posted of your life now that you have become a part of this wonderful family we will want to know the outcome of your decision.

[Psynymph]

Hehe yes i will....

[Ozme52]

I say find a way to do both. Even if it ends up being with two people/lovers. If you're up front aout it with both parties... That doesn't mean they have to participate with each other or even know who the other is.

Be loyal, true and trustworthy and both can bring you pleasure without you hurting them.

[Psynymph]

yes i thought about that too but unfortunately my husband has this werid thing about other guys fucking me.....lol.....werido :P

[Ozme52]

yes i thought about that too but unfortunately my husband has this werid thing about other guys fucking me.....lol.....werido :P


Too bad. Even if he isn't the domly type... I guess he wants to own you...


So says the wiz... a child of the age of aquarius...

[violetgem]

Hey Kate,
First off I am going to repeat what everyone else has said about only you can make the final decision about your choice in this matter. I am a professional relationship/marriage counselor and one strategy I find helpful when working with clients is they tell you more during the introduction session then any other session. I get that this isn’t a session and if it were I am sure you would have much more to say so I could get to know you and your situations better. It is not my place to direct you in any specific way, but from what you have said so far I feel your words are very powerful, they are words you have chosen to write down and as you know they are reflecting your internal struggle. Ok, so now you are thinking “yes, I know this and you aren’t helping at all’, but I want you to take a step back and with that said I am going to repeat a few things that stood out to me as I read your posts:
“i've known my husband for five years
i'm 20
like the full lifestyle. i want a D/s relationship 24/7.
he told me flat out, it just wasnt something he was into
i understand you can't make someone like something.
the bdsm thing was definitely a BIG part of the reason for the seperation.
i still love my husband…but i also love this lifestyle. the more i learn, the more i desire.
i've found i can't stay away no matter what.
i'm going to have to approach the subject again with my husband”

After you have read the parts that stood out to me think about those parts I have quoted you from and what stands out most to you. Think about if there is something that you have previously said in your above posts that you think should have been included in the parts that stood out to me. Again, no one can tell you what to do and the parts that stood out to me may not be the parts that stood out to you, or that you wish stood out to you. But you made a very good point in saying you can’t make someone like something, and it goes both ways dealing with your struggle as in you can’t just put off you feelings and desires, which you seem to understand. Re-read that one line you wrote, “i understand you can't make someone like something” but think about it in reverse and referring to yourself. I could go on and on with this but I won’t, but if you wish to talk more in private I would be happy to do so. You are young and you have only begun to figure yourself out, and that goes for your husband as well. You don’t have any easy decisions to make, so I wish you the best of luck and remember only you know what can make you happy.

[ElectricBadger]

Your husband has chosen not to partake of an aspect of your life. I completely respect that, and I see you do too. But he decides for himself, not for you. I'm 28; I've been with my wife 10 years, married 6. I can assure you that if you find the situation difficult to bear at 20, in another few years you'll be clawing eyes out.

Do not accept a bad situation. That is not what marraige means, and if that is how you treat it, it will be poisoned. Work to find a compromise you can both live with -- that is what makes long term relationships work.

Just like a discussion you'd have with someone in the scene, you need to find out what your husband's limits are. He doesn't like you fucking other men...well, even that's a broad subject (would it be different if he were there, but not topping you (your master topping you, or you acting per orders)? What if the top were a woman -- and would that work for you? What if there were no sex -- you speak of a 24/7 relationship, but realistically 90% of that would be non-sexual anyways. Chores/rules/restrictions/bondage/punishments? What about activities that don't involve "sex" such as spankings, whippings, or other forms of non-sticky interaction?

Niether of you should approach things from an absolutist position. Find what you can deal with and where that intersects. COMPROMISE!

[Psynymph]

"non sticky interaction" i like that phrase! hehe

yes well some sort of compromise is going to have to be found......he's dominant in almost every other aspect of the relationship....in a aggervating way. i thirve off of punishment, attention, and rewards...i'm a brat. i can be absolutely perfect and i like to be......but not just the absolutle hell of it and without any sort of appreciation or gratification in return. when we tried the D/s thing he was all about chores and rules......but then he couldn't satisfy my painslut needs....which made it impossible to get chores done. if i didn't fold all the laundry he would just tell me i wasn't trying hard enough as opposed to actually punishing me.....

*sigh* maybe i'm all wrong.

i realize i can't stifle my desires anymore than igniting some that arent there for my husband.....but i mean, we're married. if we still can't come to a compromise about this, does that mean divorce? because he does love me uncondtionally, i have no doubt about that. but we view relationships differently. i fully believe you can love more than one person. i also have the ability to completely emotionally detach myself from sex and those involved. he doesnt.

*growl* someone kidnap me and shove me in a dungeon for a little while......i just wanna be spanked! :p

[shins]

Psynymph,

You do have a perdiciment on your hands, and I wish that you could *snap your fingers* and find a quick resolution. Like others have posted, I suggest talking with your husband again. Hopefully you can both give a little to make things work, and know that the concept of the compromise may take time to become reality for both of you.

I'll share a little of my past experience in an attempt to shed light on where your husband might be coming from. Its kinda hard to do, since insight into him is through your eyes, so take this for what its worth... I had strong feelings for the first person that suggested the lifestyle with me. Those typical nuture, love, protect her feelings, and even when she wanted discipline/punishment, needed it, i couldnt bring myself to do it. I was raised to never disrespect a woman, especially never 'hurt' her physically, and I had a very real block against it. That relationship ended for several reasons, but this issue was among the top of the list. Today, if i had exposure to her again, I wouldnt have those limitations... I'd spank and whip the hell out of her (if she wanted it) ;), but it took me several years to change my way of thinking. At the time when we talked about it, I told her that i could never bring myself to do it, and she moved on. So i guess my suggestion is talk to him, give it some time, give him some time. He may come around to your way of thinking eventually...after he comes to terms with the idea that he's not hurting you, he's giving you something you want. Just be prepared that he may not be able to accept that idea. Good luck, I hope you find the balance that you need :)

[Simplonrider]

so i'm thinking i'm going to have to approach the subject again with my husband and maybe have a showing. maybe have my Master dom me for my husband.....lol....yeah i know fantasy world!!!!

thanks E/everyone for Y/your comments!!!!

There is nothing to lough out loud about this possibility, Psynymph. Maybe this is what it needs to get your husband to accept a part of you that is very important to you.
After all you are married, in good and bad times, should help your partner and stand by her all the time. And this definitly includes your lifestile. At least I think so.
You said that you really need the BDSM lifestile. Well, so a totally vanilla marrige seems to be out of the question.
So, maybe, when your husband sees you and your Master playing, he might prefer to do this job himself instead of leaving this to others. You will have to help him then, since he will probably need this as a new thing to him.
If it does not work, well it will kill your relationship for good, probably. But to my oppinion this is better than an ailing relationship where you are the permanent looser or where you will have no other chance than cheating.
So if you have to pull out, pull out with a bang and not a whimper.

I wish you all the best and I really hope it works out for both of you!

[scabrat]

I can empathise here, having maried my 'vanilla' wife. When I first brought up the subject about 12 years into our marriage, she was a little shocked and uncooporative. After this I gradually got her to attend some events, informal BDSM social clubs, play parties, etc. We tried playing, still do. but unless someone really does, click with the subject, they are unlikely to be able to carry off the role, hower much they might want to. I have a need therefore to be dominated (close enough) by a female who IS fully into BDSM. I am sure this would be accepted by her as long as she is happy about what goes on. But she cant 'let go' completely. My wife and I still go to BDSM related events together, when we can, and attend BDSM play parties, where she is now seems very comfortable, more interested, and very active. (26 years into marriage) Maybe we will find someone, she can trust enough, for me to explore that side further. I live in hope.

I'm sorry, it hasn't answered your question, but I have an idea how you might feel. Good Luck!

[LadyFyreWolf]

Simplonrider brings up a good point. It's not impossible to compromise. I know personally that you may be pleasantly surprised at the reaction you'll get.
I don't know if this has been mentioned yet on the forum - I apologize if I'm being repetetive. A while back there was a program on WE about the BDSM lifestyles of several women. On that struck me was a woman who has the best of both worlds - husband, children, white picket fence, high-powered corporate career...and a Master she drops everything for upon command. The bizarre part is that the two lives coexist harmoniously. Her husband and her Master go bowling together. Her older children, upon seeing her dress the Thanksgiving turkey, quip that Mom's Master must tie her up in much the same way. Her husband has just accepted the fact that there is one thing she needs that he simply cannot give her, and is content to leaves it at that. He is certainly the minority, I'm sure - you know, given that whole 'hubby not wanting to see another man fucking wifey' thing - but it still serves as proof that anything is possible.
Perhaps a little compromise is needed on your part as well, Psynymph. Maybe you don't need at 24/7 D/s relationship. I know a 24/7 couple, and it's very difficult to sustain that in such a vanilla society. you may be able to talk and explore different aspects of your needs and wants.
It seems as though you're very willing to work on your relationship - you wouldn't be having all this internal struggle if that weren't the case. Get creative and have an open mind - you never know.
Good luck.

[Psynymph]

thats such a nice thought......the idea of something like that working out....

unfortunately the time is coming up where i literally have to chose between two different paths. one will allow me to stay down south, with all my friends, my job and my Trainer. the other will allow me to move up north, with my husband, college and money.

i talked to my husband about what i desired. he flat out told me that it wasnt possible, there was no real compromise, other than for me to compromise and give up that desire.

*sigh* so i have until the end of this month to figure out which path i really want. some people say, the choice should be clear, since you should truly desire one over the other, but unfortunately both paths are even.

to make things harder, i've fallen for my Trainer. but i still love my husband. i've always believed that there was no "one true love", that you could have many loves through out a lifetime, but i never thought it was possible to love more than one person at one time.

i truly don't forsee me and my husband making it.....i think we both want different things out of life. but i need to give the relationship more attention. when i left before i just packed up and left...left him and everything behind. i need to straighten things out first.

thanks for all the input though, i appreciated everyone's comments.

[fantassy]

. the other will allow me to move up north, with my husband, college and money.


If you would be the one getting an education, this sounds like a path that will lead to a promising future even if things don't work out with your husband. Sounds like a win-win situation.

fantassy

[Ruby]

Psynymph,

Falling for your trainer is very common.
And like you, I believe that each of us is capable of loving more than one partner. We love them in different ways, for different reasons, and we can love them for who they are.

You can't change your husband.
And yet, you are growing and exploring without him.

I don't envy the questions you have to answer to yourself:

Do you want to grow old with your husband today?
Can you accept that he may not ever change regarding sharing you
to help you meet your desires? That he may not "allow" outercourse play with other partners?
Will you be satisified leaving this new part of your life behind or will you start to resent him?

In this month's Oprah Magazine - Septebmer 2006 - Suzy Welch offers advice and explains "The Rule of 10-10-10".

When there appears to be no solution that will make everone happy, she asks herself three questions:

1. What are the consequences of my decision in 10 minutes?
2. ... in 10 months?
3. and in 10 years?

You may want to apply that those questions to your current situation.

Take care and good luck with your decision.

Ruby

[Tojo]

Possible to love more than one at a time? Hell yes!

Entirely possible.

Quite OK too, IMO- I do however believe you can only be with one at a time.

Tojo

[Psynymph]

yes plus i feel it's unfair to everyone involved. i mean i know if i loved someone, but they also loved another like they loved me......i'm not sure if i could handle that. i mean, we all know i like being number one :P

well unfortunately my Trainer didn't share my feelings. it's amazing to me to find myself at this age and just now coping with a broken heart. it made me realize how lucky i've been in past relationships and also how awful i've been. i've always been the heartbreaker so to say. now i realize i have more things to atone for.

so that makes the decision a little easier. i'm leaving to go back to my husband at the end of the month. but another wrench in the system......he's getting deployed to iraq for a year. he got the official orders last week. now i find myself faced with a whole new problem and set of pains and torments.

but hey that's life right?

again thank you all for your opinions and views and support.