musings

[Mishka]

Wolfscout would like me to share more openly my journey with BDSM. A journal of sorts. This is for my Sir, I hope he likes it.

I didn't know I wanted to be so submissive, or a pet, it actually started out as a joke. No, that's not quite right...it started out with me in pain, and Wolfscout became my friend. He was in pain, too, for very different reasons, so I became his friend.

That was two years ago. We met on another forum. I went to get support for my marriage that was falling down around me and to get some rebelling out of my system.

I met this funny, naughty, insatiable, kind man. He teased, I teased back, and a natural flow of conversation came from that. I tried to offer him comfort on sleepless nights. He let me cry on his shoulder when I needed someone to understand what I was going through. Of course we talked of everyday things, too.

Forward to last summer. I read a thread of a woman I knew there about her realization of needing to submit. She was used to being in charge, ravaging her lovers...and she came to a place where she just needed to surrender. Reading it I realized that was exactly what I had been wanting. She put words to my feelings, the longings I had to not run every aspect of my life, especially my sex life. I cried a lot.

I started to explore, just read, think. Then another thread popped up there and it had to do with collaring and some different aspects of BDSM. One was a pet tied to a leash and animal play. That's where the joke came in. I told him I'd probably bust out laughing if I was told to act like a dog. (No offense to those who enjoy that, it's just not a scenario I had ever thought of at that time.) He thought he would enjoy having someone on a leash.

I know you’ll think this very amusing, but he wasn’t so sure he could see himself in the role of a Dominant, though his mind sometimes wandered there. How times do change. I asked him. It was just this past November. I couldn’t ask just anyone to explore this with me, I needed it to be a friend, someone I trusted. I couldn’t give the reigns over to my husband, I was the one leading that sex life by bit and bridle. With Wolfscout, we could explore this together. This forum was on my reading list, so he came soon after I did. I’d say it has had a very positive influence on him.

He is my BDSM journey. I love how we communicate now, the roles we play in each other’s lives. It’s still a wonderful, respectful friendship, but I feel loved and cared for as a pet that I don’t anywhere else in my life.

I have only one complaint. It’s only online. I’m not allowed to pout, though. Sir makes it work with patience and understanding, and I have learned from his example.

[Guest 91108]

I have a very large grin for my friend and pet.
We have both come some ways since November ... Smile.

And I did need some informative tips here that pulled many things together for me. I will always remember that it was my friend mishka who did that for me.

[Mishka]

I'm so glad you're pleased with my task, Sir.

[Guest 91108]

hrm.. i need a breasts/nipples breakfast smiles.

[Mishka]

bon appe~tit

[Guest 91108]

:4: well now, mmm that was delicious. what else you have to offer for the noon meal ?

[Dorkalicious]

That was quite beautiful, I must say :) You described it so well, and it really makes me feel for you, and be happy for you. Although, if I myself was in your position (as far as it only being online), I would probably pout, haha.

It's wonderful that you two have come this far, and I hope that the rest of your journey is just as wonderful! I'm sure it will be, you two have such great personalities =D They can't help but compliment each other.

[Mishka]

Thank you dorkalicious. He certainly is something special.

[Guest 91108]

aww. stop before I think about blushing or some silly such thing.

[suchaminx]

Wolf and Miskha ~HUGS~ for you both - wonderful story and thank you for sharing

p.s. Wolf I think I would pay money to see you blush ~running away fast and giggling~

minxy x

[Guest 91108]

thanks minxy..
but .. um .. if i was to blush i'd do it privately.

[suchaminx]

:icon176: spoilsport

~laughing and giving you a hug~

minxy xx

[Mishka]

Wolf and Miskha ~HUGS~ for you both - wonderful story and thank you for sharing

p.s. Wolf I think I would pay money to see you blush ~running away fast and giggling~

minxy x

It's rare. But very cute. ;)

[Guest 91108]

O..o

[Mishka]

Don't look at me like that...I can tell when you've blushed.

[Guest 91108]

hrm.... no comment.

[wolfs_lilgirl]

hrm.... no comment.

heeee diiiiiddd!!! heee didddd!!! smiles! i have never seen my Sir blush!!1 smiles!! aww so cute!! wonderfull story mishka!!

[Guest 91108]

I did not silly lilgirl.

[wolfs_lilgirl]

I did not silly lilgirl.

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm *thinks* i think u did!!! *smiles runs and hides.. behind the couch!*

[Wolven_Vixen]

Mishka,
Wolf is something special, and I know you are too! I'm glad he has helped you.

I should thank you too, for introducing him to this life, and for being there for him.

*hugs*

[Mishka]

*hugs* WV

[Guest 91108]

Wonders why you have not posted to your thread.

[Mishka]

I haven't known what to say. But now that you mention it...

I have been thinking lately about the challenges of online relationships. How easy it is to get frustrated. The distance, off-line life always taking more and more of our time and feeling guilty about it. I'm learning not to let it.

It's about trust. We do the best we can with what we have. It's from the heart and that's what counts.

[Guest 91108]

Yes. that is how it must be seen. from the heart with the time you are given.
however long or brief.

Sometimes relationships evolve into other types of things , sometimes they need to revert back to simpler ones.

sighs.

[Mishka]

My failure.

[Mishka]

This isn't anything melodramatic about why I didn't work as a sub for WS. No accusations or soap opera, no excuses. I just had some time to think and wanted to write down what I learned from this, to take with me.

It's true, I failed.

I had recently been encouraged by this post:

The things that are likely to stick in your mind as you participate in a community like this are the most extreme things. If you're going to get your introduction to BDSM in a place like this, it's just important to realize and remember that it's not necessary for everyone to live at the extreme end of the spectrum. For every person who has 6 live-in slaves who wear chastity devices 24/7 and have highly structured rules about when they're allowed to speak, there are probably 30 people who like to tie up their partner, fuck them in the ass and then apologize for forgetting to pick up the dry cleaning. No spot on that spectrum is inherently "better" than another. It's just about finding the right place for you. So if you're not sure that you'd be happy being actively submissive every day, don't be afraid to try being submissive for just one day. (posted by cage in the thread 'do you ever feel like not being a sub')


The first thing I learned is to be realistic about expectations and what I can give or not give. With all good intentions I could not give what I thought I could. What I had intended to give, no matter how sincere. If I had a real life situation it would probably be very much like the
people who like to tie up their partner, fuck them in the ass and then apologize for forgetting to pick up the dry cleaning.

The second thing was about communication. I'm old enough to know this already. I have a marriage that actually was saved because we finally communicated. As I wrote in another thread, I hated it when I failed a task or couldn't be online when planned. I had bitten off more than I could chew (no pun intended). I certainly didn't want to admit it at first. I guess I thought it would iron itself out. When I realized that I had to accept it I didn't say anything. That isn't fair to the other person. Online relationships need better communication than that. Otherwise the other person feels like they're put on a shelf until you want them next. Had I been honest with myself about what I could offer and had communicated that better it would have been more obvious sooner what would and would not work.

Looking over it I find it sad, that these are such obvious things, but I missed them because I didn't look hard enough... not at myself and not at us as a couple.

Well, those are the musings of the day. Still learning...still growing.

[cariad]

Sounds like you have succeeded in coming to know yourself, rather than it being your failure, as you said in your previous post.

cariad

[gagged_Louise]

Mishka, how can you judge yourself as a washout sub after just a few days (I read the post you're quoting and it was just days ago).

I still think caged hit on a bunch of important points in that post: there's no standard model for what a D/s relationship must look like, neither online nor offline, and you can't expect online to fyunction like if you lived in the same house. Even yesterday there were wserious server problems that blocked many of us from posting or accessing PM folders (I know, I was there). An online relation can't always run by a timetable and it will never run like clockwork, except if it's complemented by actual real-life encounters every week.

[Mishka]

An online relation can't always run by a timetable and it will never run like clockwork, except if it's complemented by actual real-life encounters every week.


I can't begin to tell you how much this has helped me. I have high expectations of myself and can't stand falling short, displeasing, not doing "enough".

I wonder though...how else does it work? It doesn't look like R/l, it would be difficult for it to. Is it just vivid cybering? Is there submission without cybering? Is it as simple as the respect that is shared in the relationship, and that makes it work? Something as simple as that?

Just pondering.

[Mishka]

Once again, 24 hours can be very fruitful. I had the chance to answer my own questions, or at least in part, thanks to another friendly sub willing to share from experience. Summing up their words:


As for submitting without cyber...

-being available to Him as much as life allowed
-conveying my need for Him through writings, completing the tasks He gave me, sending a picture to Him He wanted (takes a lot of trust)
-writing lengthy stories about a certain fetish of His,
-finding pictures on the net that He had a certain kink for, but didn't have time to look for
-writing in a Journal for Him.
-If we agreed to be online or talk on the phone, we made sure ahead of time as best as possible, that we could both fulfill that commitment. If for some reason we couldn't, an email or call at the very soonest available time was made to let the other know. But that didn't happen often as we usually knew all the what's and when's ahead of time.

It took much focus and energy on BOTH our parts. He was always consistent, following through with what He said He would do, pouring as much of Himself into me as I was into Him.


If one is going to muse, this subject is worth the effort.

[Mishka]

This is a new exploration for both Rhabbi and i. i believe we can be a help to each other on discovering our lives in bdsm.

He is willing to let me be his slave. i am honored, and hope He will be pleased and enjoy the journey.

[Rhabbi]

This is a new exploration for both Rhabbi and i. i believe we can be a help to each other on discovering our lives in bdsm.

He is willing to let me be his slave. i am honored, and hope He will be pleased and enjoy the journey.

I am honored, and pleased, that you are willing to serve. Let us both enjoy the journey.

[cariad]

Congratulations Rhabbi and Mishka. I wish you both all the joy you could dream of.

cariad

[tessa]

All the very best to you both, Mishka and Rhabbi. :)

tessa

[Rhabbi]

Thank you from both of us.

[Mishka]

having a slave who is willing to trust me and let me control her is intoxicating

having such a trustworthy Master control me is intoxicating

[Rhabbi]

having such a trustworthy Master control me is intoxicating

You are making me blush.

Thank you for the compliment. You ARE talking about me, right?

[tessa]

You are making me blush.

You ARE talking about me, right?

Ok, that made me laugh. Too funny!

:wave:

[Mishka]

You are making me blush.

Thank you for the compliment. You ARE talking about me, right?

:dunno: ummmmmmmmmmm....










of course, silly :bigkiss:

[Mishka]

Ok, that made me laugh. Too funny!

:wave:


Thank goodness for Masters with a nice sense of humor.

[Mishka]

Just a peek at another thread, [specifically on moving from online to real time, which doesn't apply in my life, I was actually looking up some information about a completely different task for Master, but none the less...this point was encouraging (and something i see Master doing well at in R/l)]


Even the deepest submissive has tremendous difficulties--at first--with learning to obey and to submit, because learning to be a good submissive is not a matter of personality or willpower (although these things help). It's not a matter of being "submissive enough." It's entirely a matter of training and experience. The most willing and compliant submissive isn't born knowing instinctively how to serve or how to put her master's needs first. In fact, she's taught from childhood to be independent and willful. Overcoming a lifetime of cultural conditioning takes lots of time; and nothing in the easy fantasy play that people do on line or over the telephone prepares them for the difficulties of actual, real-life daily obedience. The only way a submissive learns to be a good submissive is through extensive practice, through making mistakes and learning from them, through talking over what goes wrong with a knowledgeable and patient dominant, and through extensive and informed assistance from her dominant partner.

(emphasis mine)
I'm just overwhelmed at a Dominant this patient. I'm sure no one is perfect, but knowing someone is willing to work with me like this...encourages me to be more obedient...there is so much trust needed...

I'm posting this when I'm tired and need to go to sleep...it probably won't make as much sense tomorrow as I think it does at the moment...

[Rhabbi]

I'm just overwhelmed at a Dominant this patient. I'm sure no one is perfect, but knowing someone is willing to work with me like this...encourages me to be more obedient...there is so much trust needed...

I'm posting this when I'm tired and need to go to sleep...it probably won't make as much sense tomorrow as I think it does at the moment...

All I can say is that it had best make as much sense to you as it did because it is perfect.

I am happy that my patience with you is paying off. I learned a long time ago that anything worth doing is worth doing right, so I have had to learn patience in a lot of areas. It is important in any relationship, and in one where we both ask so much of each other it is even more important. I am learning a lot form you, as I hope that you are from me.

Keep up the good work.

Joshua

[Mishka]

*blush* Thank you, Master. I'm speechless. (and yes, I make sense to myself this evening)

[Rhabbi]

Someone told me they can't keep up with my mood swings.

HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! ROFL!!!!!!!!!! *wipes tear* heh heh heh

I think that's very very funny.


Care to explain this?:30:






:icon277:







:26:

Just kidding, I am glad I can make you laugh. But those moods are difficult.

[Mishka]

Oh my goodness, Sir, i thought i had displeased You twice reading the above!

i do confess, i know i displeased You earlier today, with a completely unfair request that i had no place to ask. i'm very very sorry. i beg your forgiveness Master. It will not happen again. Forgive me, please?

[Rhabbi]

Oh my goodness, Sir, i thought i had displeased You twice reading the above!

i do confess, i know i displeased You earlier today, with a completely unfair request that i had no place to ask. i'm very very sorry. i beg your forgiveness Master. It will not happen again. Forgive me, please?

Your apology more than meets my requirements, and how can not forgive such a beautiful and eager slave?

All is forgiven.

[Mishka]

I don't have words for all I learned in the last 24 hours. At least, not profound. Trust, devotion, understanding, care, concern, selflessness, pain, healing, and more understanding, and more trust.

my hurt is His hurt, and His is mine.

[Rhabbi]

my hurt is His hurt, and His is mine.

I must say that I am impressed. This is the essence of a relationship, to understand this is to live.

[Mishka]

Gentle, patient hands must mold the relationship. It can't be pounded, or poked, or cut. We need to be soft, gentle to each other, letting things take form naturally.

Softly yours Master.

[Rhabbi]

Gentle, patient hands must mold the relationship. It can't be pounded, or poked, or cut. We need to be soft, gentle to each other, letting things take form naturally.

Softly yours Master.

And she wonders why I said I am learning from her.

[tessa]

I am just so happy for you both. :)

[Rhabbi]

Thanks for the well wishes

[Mishka]

Just looking back at the posts here...

3 weeks? That's all? I'm very pleased, but I'm in shock. It's felt longer. Surely I've been talking to my Master longer than this?

We were just trying something new for both of us. I was very uncertain in the beginning but willing. I'm not uncertain anymore.

[gagged_Louise]

congratulations Mishka, and it's true lots of things can happen in two or three weeks. I understand you're still longing for spankings though...

[Rhabbi]

Just looking back at the posts here...

3 weeks? That's all? I'm very pleased, but I'm in shock. It's felt longer. Surely I've been talking to my Master longer than this?

We were just trying something new for both of us. I was very uncertain in the beginning but willing. I'm not uncertain anymore.

:wave:

kitten,

These past three weeks have been interesting and informative. I thank you for allowing me the priveledge of being your Master. You are the best online slave I could have dreamed of having. I know you have been insecure about some things in regards to pleasing me, and I want to take this time, and in public, to assure you that you do.

W/we have things we need to work on, but W/we are learning. Keep up the good work.:exellent1

[Mishka]

Thank you so much, Master.
(speechless)

[tessa]

~reads Rhabbi's post about Mishkie...so very happy for them both!~

:)

[Rhabbi]

~reads Rhabbi's post about Mishkie...so very happy for them both!~

:)

Gracias

[tessa]

De nada. :)

[Mishka]

I think Master is much better at patience than I am.

Offline life is busy for us both, so we wait. And we look at this "something new" each day, and hold it in our hand and look at it from all sides, set it down and can't help to come back to it. We have to pick it up every time we see it, in case we missed something. And our minds wander to it until we can pick it up again. And maybe it looks the same, but we know that there's more to see. And we just look forward to when we can look at it together, because then we can find out from the other what they see...did they see the same? What did they feel? What did we do while our thoughts wandered to it and is it different now that we've come back to sit down and look at it and talk about it again?

just some musings...

[Rhabbi]

I think Master is much better at patience than I am.

Offline life is busy for us both, so we wait. And we look at this "something new" each day, and hold it in our hand and look at it from all sides, set it down and can't help to come back to it. We have to pick it up every time we see it, in case we missed something. And our minds wander to it until we can pick it up again. And maybe it looks the same, but we know that there's more to see. And we just look forward to when we can look at it together, because then we can find out from the other what they see...did they see the same? What did they feel? What did we do while our thoughts wandered to it and is it different now that we've come back to sit down and look at it and talk about it again?

just some musings...

The most amazing thing about htis woman is that she does not see who she is.

[Mishka]

congratulations Mishka, and it's true lots of things can happen in two or three weeks. I understand you're still longing for spankings though...

Did you mean in Reasons for a Spanking? "because I'm still not getting it"?

While the idea of getting spankings is appealing in a pleasurable scenario, I was actually referring to me not understanding something, not "getting" it.

I was being a bit thickheaded but I understand better now. The discipline he ultimately gave (not spankings) did me a world of good. It had to do with trust, and obeying without so many questions (beyond clarification) beforehand. To be secure in what he says and asks. That's the short version of the lesson.

Thanks always for encouraging words. :)

[Mishka]

Just musing over trust lately. Just the diving in and my irrational imagination. (it's not the first time...I have a paranoid, dark, morbid side to me) But it's hard to give and must be handled very gently.

It's so much more than physical attraction, wild emotions or vivid imagination. The subjection mentally cannot be carelessly handled. (And you haven't been careless at all, Sir. This is simply my stream of consciousness...such as it is at 12:30 in the morning.)

If it's time to let go, just dropping it, letting it break, that's (adjective fails me here) painful. It's not just the emotions, not just the heart. Submitting at this level, you are handling someone's mind that they put willingly in your care. Putting it down has to be slow and gentle. Like a chrystal glass. The heart will heal. It is soft and can be torn, but can mend, though you can often see the mark for a long time. The mind that let it be controlled...that trust... that's shattering. It takes longer to put the pieces back together.

As time goes by, week by week, a little more trust is handed over...more control...more vulnerability. With a worthy Dom, it can be the most freeing, relieving experience. I wonder what a Dom's feelings are like, when it's put in their care?

Perhaps my musings are far from other's wealth of knowledge and understanding, but just thinking it through...to wherever it goes.

[Rhabbi]

Just musing over trust lately. Just the diving in and my irrational imagination. (it's not the first time...I have a paranoid, dark, morbid side to me) But it's hard to give and must be handled very gently.

It's so much more than physical attraction, wild emotions or vivid imagination. The subjection mentally cannot be carelessly handled. (And you haven't been careless at all, Sir. This is simply my stream of consciousness...such as it is at 12:30 in the morning.)

If it's time to let go, just dropping it, letting it break, that's (adjective fails me here) painful. It's not just the emotions, not just the heart. Submitting at this level, you are handling someone's mind that they put willingly in your care. Putting it down has to be slow and gentle. Like a chrystal glass. The heart will heal. It is soft and can be torn, but can mend, though you can often see the mark for a long time. The mind that let it be controlled...that trust... that's shattering. It takes longer to put the pieces back together.

As time goes by, week by week, a little more trust is handed over...more control...more vulnerability. With a worthy Dom, it can be the most freeing, relieving experience. I wonder what a Dom's feelings are like, when it's put in their care?

Perhaps my musings are far from other's wealth of knowledge and understanding, but just thinking it through...to wherever it goes.

kitten,

As a Dom the most sacred trust I have is to keep you safe, and that includes from anything that I might do. I am an imperfect human and thus capable of making msjudgements and mistakes.

I want to commend you on your trust and the understanding of what it means. trust is something you must give, just as I have given mine to you. I think you have an idea of just how much you can hurt me if you ever choose to do so. In actuallity, your danger is much lees than mine. Not that I am belittling the level of trust you have placed in me, nor am I asking for more than you are ready to give.

I saaid before that having a sub is intoxiacating, and I still stand by that assessment. As a Dom the level of trust that is given me frees me to accomplish so many other things, it actually allows me to accept things that would otherwise be impossible to take because I know that I am worthy of true trust from a wonderful woman.

Day by day my love for you grows, and although it will never reach the culmination that W/we see in O/our other relationships, W/we continue to grow stronger as individuals and as a U/unit.

My kitten, I thank you.

[Rhabbi]

Well kitten, here I am making my post 1000 and wondering what to say to make it a special occasion. I am sad that we will not be able to chat today because it seems that YIM does not want to cooperate today. Maybe I can get it fixed after this.

I want you to know, again, how proud I am of you. I know that you still think you need to work on some things, and that those outweigh the things you are doing right, but it is not that simple. You do need to accomplish more, but the progress you have made in the past couple of weeks allows me to know that one day you will be the best sub I have ever had the pleasure to train.

Keep up the good work, the past, has it really been less than two months, has been a delight.

[Mishka]

For me as well. I'm honored to have you as my Master and friend, and can't think of anywhere else that I could learn so much that would be safer or more fulfilling. Words fail me, I'd rather show you.

[Mishka]

I miss you on the weekends, Sir. Is that too sappy to say in public?

You've often left me tongue-tied and speechless; but lately especially. I'm referring to our writings. I'm sorry you have had to wait so long for it. I thought a public apology would be appropriate. You deserve the respectful consideration.

ETA: Two hours later and it seems so short what I've given you. I hope you enjoy it. If you like, I can continue it from there.

[Rhabbi]

kitten, you could never be to sappy for me, I am the king of sap. You are a treasure to me, and if I thought an apology was necessary I would have asked for one. Makes me wonder if this falls into the category of forbidden activities.

Just teasing, but you are pushing the line.

[Mishka]

1002 just for you.

:11_2_102:

[Rhabbi]

1002 just for you.

:11_2_102:


Congratulations an breaking 1000. :camera2: :cheerlead :exellent1 :tongue1:

[Rhabbi]

Just to let anyone who might be interested know, Mishka has been restricted and will not be back for at least a week, except to perform her tasks as greeter.

[tessa]

Just to let anyone who might be interested know, Mishka has been restricted and will not be back for at least a week, except to perform her tasks as greeter.

Crap!

:(

[Mishka]

Thank you for being disappointed in my absence Tessa.

Master has kindly altered the punishment. I am back on the forums, but the substitute is much more offline challenging. In fact harder but healthier for me in the long run. I know that makes no sense to anyone not privy to our conversations.

You know...I had something else to talk about that I've been chewing on lately and now it's completely out of my head. :rolleyes: Nothing new.

So my blonde-bombshell-bodacious-friend...what have I been missing around here?

[Rhabbi]

Welcome back kitten. I know I missed you charming presence here also. I am also gald that you recognize that my punishments for you are in your best interests. It gives me hope that you will get better.

[tessa]

Thank you for being disappointed in my absence Tessa.

Master has kindly altered the punishment. I am back on the forums, but the substitute is much more offline challenging. In fact harder but healthier for me in the long run. I know that makes no sense to anyone not privy to our conversations.

You know...I had something else to talk about that I've been chewing on lately and now it's completely out of my head. :rolleyes: Nothing new.

So my blonde-bombshell-bodacious-friend...what have I been missing around here?

I hope you remember what it is you wanted to discuss. I know how frustrating that is. Makes you want to kick something. But if you do, then that really hurts and then you're more pissed off than before and you still haven't remembered what it is you forgot. ~sighs~

If that blonde chick doesn't fill you in, I will, okay? :)

~hugs~

[Mishka]

Just musing over symbols right now. From a conversation with Master and the thread on collaring, I'm working out the importance in my mind.

I really wasn't thinking, worried, pondering or even that curious about symbols not when I started searching in the lifestyle, and not when Rhabbi and I met. (3 1/2 months just flew by, once again I can say that I feel I've been on this journey with You, Master, for much longer)

My desire to be closer to Him and find as many ways possible to express that has become much more important. Especially lately, my emotions have been overwhelming...again. Certainly I write and "speak" to Him differently, I follow His tasks, I have images in my head that won't go away. I wear earrings now. I hadn't in a long time, I just didn't think about it. It's the smallest thing, but when I do, I think of Him, just because He told me to.

[tessa]

~hugs Mishka tightly~

Every word you wrote, I felt.

~hugs again~

[Rhabbi]

Mishka,

What can I say? You have captured my heart, my thoughts, and my life. If I had known it was going to be this intense, I would have not have said yes so fast, but i am happy I did.

Rhabbi

[Mishka]

If I had known it was going to be this intense, I would have not have said yes so fast, but i am happy I did.


i'm glad i'm not scaring You off, nor You me. Weren't we just "trying something new"? Mental control alone became too intoxicating to not resist moving forward.

[Rhabbi]

I remeber, I would have held out out of sheer will power, but you were pretty clear that you wanted more. Thank you for doing that.

[Mishka]

You make it sound like it was all my idea.

From our initial conversations back in early February:


I have found that I do not enjoy porno, phone, or cyber sex. Have no idea about cyber BDSM, as for me BDSM is more about the respect than the sex, though that is pretty important too, I am willing to explore it.

Peace. I am not saying that I expect you to be my cyber slave. What I expect from you is friendship and guidance in this new, to me, world.



First though, I am curious about something, what did I say that led you to the topic of an online relationship without cybering? Not that it sounds like a bad idea, I just did not realize I had it, or is this your sub way of introducing something and letting me think it is my idea? Not necessary with me, by the way.


Emphasis mine. It was your idea, Sir. That's where You were to start, i just had the desire to submit to Your needs. What can i say...You're irrisistable.

:gag:


In my mind it looks a bit like i'm facing You and we're holding hands. You're walking forwards and i'm walking backwards. Going with You, being guided towards something i cannot see and am uncertain of. i have to trust where You lead, though i am the one in front. my "leading" is willingness to be pushed more, showing You my willingness to go further. i don't yank You and You don't shove. i just keep looking into Your eyes and walk where i cannot see, trusting You for where we're going and wanting to go there in the first place.

[Mishka]

After a pleasant trip down memory lane and definitions clarified (ahem lol) it was so mutual it's difficult to show who's signature is first on the contract here.

i think i was most floored tonight to learn of His trust of me. It makes it that much more important to not disappoint. As a sub my general personality is to please. To meet someone kind and firm and begin this road down taking and giving control is an increased desire to please. As trust grows, expectations grow, another increase in desire to please. To know i am trusted to this extent has reached a level of desire to not break that trust that is over the top for me. Handle with care.

I think this means so much to me not just because of what it is, but because of what it isn't. It is not the deceit and distrust that lives in my off line life.

[Rhabbi]

Welcome to the real world.

[Mishka]

Just musing...I don't want it to sound like a soap box or more of a deal than I mean it.

Terms: "real life" (rl) "real time" (rt)

What does "real" mean?
Well Webster...
1. of or relating to fixed, permanent, or immovable things
2. not artifical, fraudulent, illusory
occurring in fact
having objective independent existence

I use "offline". It defines my reality. I have an existence with my Master that is very much real. It is not artifical, fraudulent or illusory. It is occurring in fact. It is "real life" because He is very much a part of my life and my everyday thoughts and responsibilities. It is "real time" because as I speak with Him the clock moves forward. Time doesn't stand still for us. I have to stop our conversations to attend to other responsibilities. Not "real" responsibilities. Responsibilities in addition to what I need and desire to do with Him.

I wish I could touch Him. He is physically "real" to me, not a figment of my imagination. I have seen His picture, He has "real" skin and "real" eyes and He isn't less real because I haven't been there to look into His eyes yet or touch His skin.

It's such a small thing. It's the little things that make U/us work. That and big hearts.

[tessa]

I have issues with that word as well..."real".

I use the phrase "face to face" instead of rl/rt. Just makes more sense to me as online is, as I've said before, very much real. Sometimes too much...

~hugs for the quite real Mishka~

tessa :wave:

[MajesticFae]

I don't really like the r/l or r/t words either, but I use them because most people understand the connotations behind them. Online is real to me and you guys are all my friends, we just don't hang out face to face, or offline.

I like both of y'alls terms better, Mishka and tessa. I think I'll start using them. *smiles*

Oh and you and Rhabbi are really really sappy... but it's really cute.

[Rhabbi]

Just musing...I don't want it to sound like a soap box or more of a deal than I mean it.

Terms: "real life" (rl) "real time" (rt)

What does "real" mean?
Well Webster...
1. of or relating to fixed, permanent, or immovable things
2. not artifical, fraudulent, illusory
occurring in fact
having objective independent existence

I use "offline". It defines my reality. I have an existence with my Master that is very much real. It is not artifical, fraudulent or illusory. It is occurring in fact. It is "real life" because He is very much a part of my life and my everyday thoughts and responsibilities. It is "real time" because as I speak with Him the clock moves forward. Time doesn't stand still for us. I have to stop our conversations to attend to other responsibilities. Not "real" responsibilities. Responsibilities in addition to what I need and desire to do with Him.

I wish I could touch Him. He is physically "real" to me, not a figment of my imagination. I have seen His picture, He has "real" skin and "real" eyes and He isn't less real because I haven't been there to look into His eyes yet or touch His skin.

It's such a small thing. It's the little things that make U/us work. That and big hearts.

This is so profound, to think a woman as wise as you fell for me.

[Mishka]

Oh and you and Rhabbi are really really sappy... but it's really cute.

Shnooky-lumps-Puddin' Pie and I are not at all sappy. :icon176:

:D

[tessa]

Shnooky-lumps-Puddin' Pie and I are not at all sappy. :icon176:

:D

Ok, that made me laugh so hard, I spit some of my drink of water out.

Mishka-lish, warn a girl when you're gonna be that hysterical. :p

~huggles~
tessa :wave:

[MajesticFae]

*wonders if Rhabbi knows what Mishka calls him behind his back*

[Mishka]

I always mean it with the upmost of respect, of course.

[Rhabbi]

*wonders if Rhabbi knows what Mishka calls him behind his back*

Trying to cause problems Fae? Mishka knows what she can call me. And Shnooky-lumps-Puddin' Pie is on the list.

[Mishka]

lol

it's moments like these that i'm glad i submit to a Dom with a sense of humor.

:bigkiss:

[Rhabbi]

I made 1000 posts in less than 2 weeks, does that mean I am on here too much? Talk about addiction. It is the thought of you and the rest of my family that makes it all worth while.

[John56{vg}]

It is alway nice to see your evil HellHound here Rhabbi. And talk about addicted. I find it hard to stop and eat or sleep.

So much to see, so many subs and so little time.

Oh My!


:eek:

[Rhabbi]

It is alway nice to see your evil HellHound here Rhabbi. And talk about addicted. I find it hard to stop and eat or sleep.

So much to see, so many subs and so little time.

Oh My!


:eek:

Banth. A hell hound is a small dog. A Banth is a large cat. They eat T-rex's.

[Dorkalicious]

I am on here so often, I don't understand why I haven't hit 1000 yet, lol.

Good job! (Depending on how you view it =P)

[John56{vg}]

Banth. A hell hound is a small dog. A Banth is a large cat. They eat T-rex's.

Sorry my friend. I am always getting my mythical evil beasts of burden confused, lol.

Have a great day Rhabbi!

:)

[MajesticFae]

I'm always trying to cause trouble, Rhabbi. I just wanted to make sure that you knew that Mishka called you that silly little pet name.

[Rhabbi]

I'm always trying to cause trouble, Rhabbi. I just wanted to make sure that you knew that Mishka called you that silly little pet name.

Aha, I have your confession in writing.

[violet girl{MM}]

Congrats Rhabbi....and yes...You are addicted...perhaps they can come up with FA (Forums Anonymous)....;) There would be lots of 12 Steppers here!!! :D

[Mishka]

I made 1000 posts in less than 2 weeks, does that mean I am on here too much? Talk about addiction. It is the thought of you and the rest of my family that makes it all worth while.


Addicted? Yes. On here too much? That's subjective...probably not too much for you.

Glad Kestral, sweetpeaz and I are the objects of your affections and attentions.

D-licious...the first 1000 are the hardest. After that you look up and go "huh. I didn't know I had posted that much."

[gagged_Louise]

Well, sis and me certainly are in the ranks of the addicted (or, to put it more positively, committed) ladies here. :D And I suspect John56 and nk_lion will count as forumoholics too.

[Mishka]

How awful of me to not mention that Louise is amongst us fortunate ones, Sir.

I'm sorry dear. I guess that should be taken as a sign that I'm not around very much to spend time with you.


(((hugs)))

[Mishka]

5 days. 5 days away with wonderful, happy family things. 5 days without having time to spend time with my Master. :( There is our spreadsheet, He can still keep up with me.

What else can be done online? Do you just accept it for what it is and love and live the best anyone can? Do you try to do something extra? But then, if you could...well, it's a matter of timing isn't it?

i know You haven't complained, Sir. i just was wondering about it these past few days.

[Mishka]

Well this helped. "I like seeing you busy and happy."

Wow. That was generous, understanding...

a sigh of relief and wide-eyed with surprise at this patience of Yours.

[Rhabbi]

Well this helped. "I like seeing you busy and happy."

Wow. That was generous, understanding...

a sigh of relief and wide-eyed with surprise at this patience of Yours.

silly kitten.

Of course I like that, even though I miss you. Much prefer the thought of you busy and happy to one of you moping around and sad.

(have you noticed that I say silly kitten a lot? I keep hearing it in my head with this indulgent tone, and I hope you know that it is always said with love.)

[Mishka]

Sappy alert:

Life is too amazing to mope.

i'm glad my offline life is getting back to a more reasonable schedule. Even though little snags (like following a slow truck home to be late for my own collaring) happen anyway.

See You tomorrow and W/we'll pray for no traffic. :)

[Rhabbi]

No, we will order no traffic, much more effective that way.

Funny thing, thinking back. In less than 6 months we went from saying hello to a collaring. And I am approaching 10,000 posts. In fact, I remember announcing my 1000th post right here in this thread, and this will be 9000. Quite a difference a few months can make.

[Mishka]

i've been a giddy slave all day. Such a sweet, simple moment with O/our family.

i think i even strutted having my chain on.

6 months. :)

[Rhabbi]

i've been a giddy slave all day. Such a sweet, simple moment with O/our family.

i think i even strutted having my chain on.

6 months. :)

*hugs tight*

Is that what I am feeling? Giddiness? Interesting.

[Mishka]

yep. Giddy.

sappy alert:

love does that to some people. can't help it so might as well not fight the joy.

[tessa]

Sincere congratulations, you two.

:wave:

[gagged_Louise]

Congratulations Mishka{R} and Rhabbi!

[Mishka]

Sincere congratulations, you two.

:wave:


Congratulations Mishka{R} and Rhabbi!


Thanks so much you two. You've been wonderful to/for U/us. :)

[cariad]

Wishing you both all the happinesses you could wish for yourselves.

cariad

[Rhabbi]

Thank you for the well wishes tessa, louise, and cariad.

[moptop]

This is lovely. Do we get piccies? I am very happy for you both/all.

[Rhabbi]

This is lovely. Do we get piccies? I am very happy for you both/all.

Thank you moptop.

Mishka is a bit shy, but I will try to talk her into posting a pic of her daily collar for you all to see.

[Flaming_Redhead]

Congratulations to you both!

[Mishka]

Yes, i will take a picture for Y/you. Once I finish reading the instructions for the camera and my poison ivy clears up. It's mostly gone, some dry, red patches. But I didn't shave my legs while I had it...and the gorilla look doesn't look good on me. (my daily collar is a silver anklet)

Today I learned a valuable lesson. I can try so hard to not make the same mistakes as a sub that I have in the past that I end up going too far in the other direction. Balance isn't as easy as it looks, especially when it's such simple advice. Communication is such an obvious lesson, I learned it the hard way, but knowing how to communicate is just as important. It's all in the delivery.

[Rhabbi]

All too true my love.

[Noontide]

mishka and Wolfscout, it's so rare to find the kind of comfortable togetherness that you two seem to have found. the fulfillment and the trust!!

you know since joining the forum, i have been reading about online relationships. there are ads, people sharing about what they get out of it. it seems so alien to me. i was touched by your sharing and others as well, but when i tried to see if i could feel the same, it felt.... blank i guess is the word that describes it.

i've had online friends before, but never a relationship. not for lack of oppurtunity, but simply a lack of a response for me. maybe it just wasn't the right people....

i keep hoping that the "right person" that i have in my life somehow magically discovers a subtle ignored desire to dominate and we find a whole new level in our relationship!! sometimes though i just feel hopeless and wonder why i'm even trying to find out more about this aspect of me.... feel like suppressing it and just spending all my energy on 10000 other projects!!

then i remind myself, this is me, my life, my desires, needs, fulfillment and at the very least i owe myself to find out more.

but sometimes i curse myself for just driving myself crazy with all the questions, the uncertainity ....

i think i'm more confused than i was when i joined!!

[Noontide]

i think i posted the above too early into readin this thread. i did not realise about mishka and Rhabbi.... congratulations to both of you.... hope your journey brings fulfillment ot both of you...

[Rhabbi]

i think i posted the above too early into readin this thread. i did not realise about mishka and Rhabbi.... congratulations to both of you.... hope your journey brings fulfillment ot both of you...

It is fine Noontide, we are forgiving.

[Mishka]

i think i posted the above too early into readin this thread.

Don't worry about it. It just goes to show that sometimes relationships work out and sometimes they don't whether online or off. I could have put my experiences with Rhabbi in a whole other thread, but I really did want to see what I had been learning along the way.


mishka and Wolfscout, it's so rare to find the kind of comfortable togetherness that you two seem to have found. the fulfillment and the trust!!

you know since joining the forum, i have been reading about online relationships. there are ads, people sharing about what they get out of it. it seems so alien to me. i was touched by your sharing and others as well, but when i tried to see if i could feel the same, it felt.... blank i guess is the word that describes it.

i've had online friends before, but never a relationship. not for lack of oppurtunity, but simply a lack of a response for me. maybe it just wasn't the right people....

i keep hoping that the "right person" that i have in my life somehow magically discovers a subtle ignored desire to dominate and we find a whole new level in our relationship!! sometimes though i just feel hopeless and wonder why i'm even trying to find out more about this aspect of me.... feel like suppressing it and just spending all my energy on 10000 other projects!!

then i remind myself, this is me, my life, my desires, needs, fulfillment and at the very least i owe myself to find out more.

but sometimes i curse myself for just driving myself crazy with all the questions, the uncertainity ....

i think i'm more confused than i was when i joined!!

I never thought I'd like an online relationship, apart from a casual friendship, either. But I started emailing a friend, then our conversations turned to more flirting, we talked about relationships, intimacy, etc etc, and became closer. It worked out very naturally. Not forced. That's the important part. It lasted quite a while and when other parts of our offline life called for our attention, we ended up staying friends instead.

Some don't work romantically, but friendship is just as true online as off. Perhaps that can be a sticking point. It's not "real". There's a lot of trust involved when you can't see the other side of the monitor for sure. I can assure you, it is very real. The love, kindness, anger and hurt are very much felt...that makes the relationships real.

Online is the only place I was able to truly look at my desires being a sub. It makes me feel safe being a sub. It is ok to learn and explore and taste and touch. If this, the internet, is the medium then go carefully and warmly into it. Don't curse yourself. I did it to myself for too long and all it does is leave you just as frustrated and this hole inside you in the end.

I hope you'll be gentle with yourself and enjoy the journey. :)

[Guest 91108]

I have watched the steps of Mishka. ]
Glad to know she kept her thread going.. the reasons for asking her to start it were valid then as they are now.. for the reasons she stated..
"..but I really did want to see what I had been learning along the way."

Smiles.. somethings work out and others do not.
Can friendship remain or be rebuilt... I believe so.
Can it be damaged or killed by others ... yes, but should the friends let that happen?

I would wish Mishka the best as she was the one who brought me more fully into wanting to be who I am for good or bad.

[Noontide]

I hope you'll be gentle with yourself and enjoy the journey.

i hope so too mishka!! but for better or worse, the journey has been embarked upon and will take it's course....

i'm glad for all the conversations here though.

[Mishka]

I have watched the steps of Mishka. ]
Glad to know she kept her thread going.. the reasons for asking her to start it were valid then as they are now.. for the reasons she stated..
"..but I really did want to see what I had been learning along the way."

Smiles.. somethings work out and others do not.
Can friendship remain or be rebuilt... I believe so.
Can it be damaged or killed by others ... yes, but should the friends let that happen?

I would wish Mishka the best as she was the one who brought me more fully into wanting to be who I am for good or bad.


Thank you Wolf, that means a lot.

The journey is worth it, we get to know ourselves more deeply. For us, the parts that lay dormant for a long time.

[Mishka]

Lately my struggle has been with impatience. Impatience to have time to talk, talk longer than W/we are able, talk about things... ;) (which for one reason or another can have large gaps in between...talk about a relationship that's pretty much the same online as off!)

...an observation of my state of mind. Impatience to spend time with Him...but not neglect any other part of my life. i grasp at those things that cross over the internet boundaries. The tasks, however small or irritating or practical, it doesn't matter...they're touchable.

I follow His writings, etc to see what He has had the chance to talk about that day, and He has tasks for me that helps Him catch a glimpse of my offline life.

I think ~9 months into a relationship one gets pretty impatient to have it be closer, more integrated with the rest of your life.

Just what I've been musing over this week.

[Mishka]

Once again a chance to say that 24/7 would be wonderful...

but online service is real. And I find it pretty immature that some in 24/7 need to rub it in our online faces about their oppinion in every subtle (but secretly bitchy) way they can. I don't do that to "them". In fact, I would want to show support and have normal conversations.

The "real" services can either be a source of friendly conversation, even mutual support as subs, or just a chance to debate over matters of the heart...which is hurtful and never gets anywhere.

I'll continue to have a grown up attitude that this can be a source of encouragement...and I think it would be nice if some had a little more compassion and empathy.

My thread, my observations, my bdsm life.

[Alex Bragi]

Mishka, *hugs* how you choose to demonstrate and live out your sexual submission is nobody but nobody's business but yours (Mmm...maybe His too *g*).

It's your decision, your life, your bdsm lifestyle.

[Sir_Russell]

Mishka,

First many that claim 24 7 aren't really in that type of relationship, second I have been there most of my adult life and it is not easy at all, third I have also been online when there wasn't any way to be together and that too was hard.

Who is it that can say which is real and which is important, certainly not me. Can you love long distance? Yes you can.

Also those that go bdsm clubs and live that life style are not anymore real then those that haven't meet face to face but only through a wire.

Be proud of who and what you are and any that want you to apologize for the way you live the Life are lessor then you. Grow up folks we need to be accepting not elitists, we all feed our needs the best way we can.

I hope that nothing I have said lead you to believe that I feel that online is is less real then those that are belly to belly, if I did I apologize to you any all the others.

[Guest 91108]

I agree with Sir Russell, it is much more important how the two involved see themselves rather than how others see it.
And yes.. that allows for whatever kind of relationships you choose to have.
They are as real as those involved decide to make them.

[Mishka]

Sir Russell you have never said an unkind word to me ever.

Thank you for all of you understanding.

[Mishka]

I didn't realize it's been 5 months since I've been here. Life is full and busier than ever.

Master and I enjoyed a year together earlier this month. We joke that we feel like an old married couple instead of only a year together long distance. I guess we're just comfortable with each other.

Health issues have been making things challenging for us. Not sexually though. His control has gone beyond a task list. I may not be explaining it well, but while there is nothing boring or complacent about it, it's quiet. We like it.

A nice addition to online chat/telephone...He tells me to cum...and I do. The escalation to that was unseen to me and He didn't quite see it coming either. I seem to remember this divine sensation of my stomach feeling like it was turning inside out when he spoke to me during explicit conversations in a tone that becomes a Master.

We met here, so I'll give credit where it's due. He takes good care of me, even when I can be a headache. And He says I take good care of Him...always...so if He's happy, then I'm happy.

Just thought I'd share some pleasant, early-morning, thoughts.