quality vs. quantity

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11-05-2007
good_girl

quality vs. quantity

What is more important early in a relationship quality or quantity? I am talking time together of course *giggles*

On one hand, it is difficult to get to really know someone when there is very little time to spend interacting, so quantity would be important here, but on the other hand if the time spent together is not good quality time then is it really worth it?

I am also wondering what others would consider to be a good amount of time to spend interacting when new to a relationship, as well as how is the best way you have found to ensure the time you do get together is quality time when time is very limited?

The reason I ask this is because about 1 1/2 years ago I ended a 13 year relationship, I have dated a bit in that time and discovered that being submissive is something that interests me a lot. I recently met a great guy who is in a similar place, and recently became interested in exploring his Dominant side. This will be the first time in about 15 years that I have been in any new relationship, and the first time ever being in a D/s relationship, it would seem that I simply don't know how to start a relationship (you would think this would be easy). I find myself anxious when I don't hear from him every day, but logically, I know it's not necessary. To compound things, because of some things in my past I have abandonment issues, I am terrified that I will do something wrong and he will just disappear. He has never given me any reason to feel this way, he has been very patient with me, although I am yet to discuss the abandonment issues with him (I only came to terms with it myself this week). I know at times I have sent off panicked e-mails to him that end in him being very frustrated with me but his response to this has been wonderful, he makes sure I have the chance to express what I am feeling, he makes sure the little bit of time we get together is quality time.

To sum it up, I am looking for quantity, because I need constant reassurance that he is not going to vanish (even though I know there is no logical reason for me to think this), I feel that the quality time will develop from that. It would seem to me that he is looking for good quality in the little bit of time we do get to spend together, he does not often contact me until there is enough time to have some quality time, he seems to feel that the quantity is not so important as long as the quality is there.

I personally think there is some right to both thoughts but would love to hear some other perspective on this, particularly if anyone has been in a similar place, how did you get through this without driving both of you crazy in the process?
11-05-2007
Ozme52

The problem is that most relationships, online or itf, vanilla or lifestyle, start with both quantity and quality. So it's real difficult when one has to cut down on the quantity. How do you ratchet up the quality?

Hold back at first? Unlikely, you're trying to impress.

We discussed it beforehand, that it was taking too much of her time, (in this case.) So we agreed to tone it down... but didn't LOL. At least not at first. But having discussed it, and having agreed to cut back, and not cutting back, let us laugh about it... and then suddenly it seemed okay if we weren't online every night... or for 6+ hours when we were online. Now we keep an eye on the clock to make sure no one will be oversleeping in the morning... and a simple... single email keeps us in each others' minds.

Hopefully the quality won't fade... but that's a different issue. Is there enough "new" in the pipeline to keep us fully engaged? In our case, the answere seems to be yes. I'm sure we'll let you know in 5 or 6 years. :blurp_ani
11-05-2007
His_little one

Quote:

Originally Posted by new_explorer

What is more important early in a relationship quality or quantity? I am talking time together of course *giggles*

Definitley quality.

Quote:

Originally Posted by new_explorer

On one hand, it is difficult to get to really know someone when there is very little time to spend interacting, so quantity would be important here, but on the other hand if the time spent together is not good quality time then is it really worth it?

It is indeed difficult to get to know someone when you spend little time interacting but as you pointed out -- even if you spend every night together what good is it if it's not quality time. I firmly believe that quality is far more important than quantity and really you're the only person that can tell us what kind of time you get to spend with him -- Is the anguish of not getting to spend time with him often enough worth the little bit of time you do get to see him ?

Quote:

Originally Posted by new_explorer

I find myself anxious when I don't hear from him every day, but logically, I know it's not necessary. To compound things, because of some things in my past I have abandonment issues, I am terrified that I will do something wrong and he will just disappear. He has never given me any reason to feel this way, he has been very patient with me, although I am yet to discuss the abandonment issues with him (I only came to terms with it myself this week). I know at times I have sent off panicked e-mails to him that end in him being very frustrated with me but his response to this has been wonderful, he makes sure I have the chance to express what I am feeling, he makes sure the little bit of time we get together is quality time.

To sum it up, I am looking for quantity, because I need constant reassurance that he is not going to vanish (even though I know there is no logical reason for me to think this), I feel that the quality time will develop from that. It would seem to me that he is looking for good quality in the little bit of time we do get to spend together, he does not often contact me until there is enough time to have some quality time, he seems to feel that the quantity is not so important as long as the quality is there.

I think we may have talked about this in another thread. I am in a very similar situation -- my Dom and I are in a new relationship and we only get to see each other on average of once a week and a weekend night every few weeks -- and it will be this way till after the holidays. It's really hard to get to know each other in a short time span but so long as you are both invested in the relationship I don't think it's a huge problem. I feel your pain of not hearing from him every day -- he and I go through the same thing and it often turns into frustration for both of us. I'm frustrated because I don't get to talk to him and he's frustrated because I expect to talk every day (he's NOT at all a "phone person"). I think the thing he still doesn't understand is that I don't want a 2 hour long conversation every day I just want to know that he's ok and I want him to know I miss him just incase he forgot  So i guess really it's about finding the balance of quality and quantity. I think the hardest thing I've gone through is what you're coming to terms with -- the fear of abandonment. The feelings of well I'm invested, is he? What if he decides he doesn't have enough time and I'm the easiest thing to cut out of his life? What if he decides I'm too much to deal with? Getting past those thoughts and feelings wasn't easy -- it took communicating what i needed and being patient enough to see how invested he was in the way he acts towards me. He doesn't have time for himself half the time so why would he spend time driving 2 hours to see me after work and not getting home till 2 am if I wasn't worth it. Guys are funny like that -- the whole actions speak louder than words, it's true for them.

Quote:

Originally Posted by new_explorer

how did you get through this without driving both of you crazy in the process?

HA. Well as I said, we're still working on getting through it, and in the mean time I'm making us both plenty crazy. The best advice i can give is to communicate what you're thinking and feeling-- easier said than done, I know, because it feels like you say it over and over and nothing really changes, and you don't want him to think you don't value the time you do have together, and you know he's trying....but..... I understand, trust me. The biggest thing is figure out how much time you need, what you truly need to be satisfied, sane, and happy and tell him, even if it's just telling him you need him to be more understanding and supportive of you guys not getting that time together. If he cares about you he'll want to do what he can to help you and be supportive, he probably just doesn't know what to do. I know i always have a hard time getting "back to reality" the day after I see my Dom, when I realized that I told him, I told him he would help me immensely if he would make sure we talk the next day because I’m generally sad that day realizing how happy I am when we get to see each other and it bugs me the next day that he’s not in my life right now as much as I wish he was. Since I told him, no matter how busy he was the next day he's made time to make the call to make sure I'm ok and let me know he misses me too. It wasn’t hard to tell him what I needed, what’s hard was figuring out what I needed – it sounds like that may be what you’re having a hard time figuring out too.

I know you and I aren’t the only ones going through it – it’s not easy, but people have gotten through it. I wish you luck.
11-05-2007
Captain

I'm frustrated because I don't get to talk to him and he's frustrated because I expect to talk every day (he's NOT at all a "phone person").

Definitely quality. I feel his pain. My wife (before she was my wife) could talk for hours on the phone, telling stories of her childhood in excrutiating detail (ha ha).
11-06-2007
jeanne

I think that quantity is pretty important early on. Think about what we do. It requires a certain level of trust and feeling of comfort with the other person to submit on anything other than a superficial level, and time together just learning how each other's minds works helps with that. He and I, accidentally, stumbled across a fun way to do that - it's called "jeanne random thought time" and it's exactly what it sounds like. :rolleyes: It's a way to let him see how my mind works, and in return I learn the same from his reactions/comments/additional thoughts. We've learned a LOT about each other this way, and continue to do so. And have ended up in some very interesting discussions. Besides, it's fun! And, the bonus part, he finds it entertaining. And entertaining him is one of his absolute requirements of his submissive(s). I'm very fortunate that I'm able to do that with my brain as well as my body. :)
11-07-2007
good_girl

Quote:

Hopefully the quality won't fade... but that's a different issue. Is there enough "new" in the pipeline to keep us fully engaged? In our case, the answere seems to be yes. I'm sure we'll let you know in 5 or 6 years.

Ozme52, I'm sure with your imagination things will be just as exciting in 5-6 years

Quote:

I'm frustrated because I don't get to talk to him and he's frustrated because I expect to talk every day (he's NOT at all a "phone person"). I think the thing he still doesn't understand is that I don't want a 2 hour long conversation every day I just want to know that he's ok and I want him to know I miss him just incase he forgot  So i guess really it's about finding the balance of quality and quantity. I think the hardest thing I've gone through is what you're coming to terms with -- the fear of abandonment. The feelings of well I'm invested, is he? What if he decides he doesn't have enough time and I'm the easiest thing to cut out of his life? What if he decides I'm too much to deal with?

His little one, I go back and forth on this, when we do get to spend time together I do feel he is invested, but that feeling fades with every day I don't get to see him, today is a good day :) got to spend some time with him yesterday, and we did discuss my feelings some, he is very understanding, but still a guy LOL and a very busy one at that, but today I feel that him simply understanding how I feel will help...I hope. Neither of us are much of a phone person, but I would be willing to get over that for a call more often LOL

Quote:

Definitely quality. I feel his pain. My wife (before she was my wife) could talk for hours on the phone, telling stories of her childhood in excrutiating detail (ha ha).

Captain, what are you saying? you guys don't want to know every detail of our childhood LOL

Quote:

He and I, accidentally, stumbled across a fun way to do that - it's called "jeanne random thought time" and it's exactly what it sounds like. It's a way to let him see how my mind works, and in return I learn the same from his reactions/comments/additional thoughts.

jeanne, we came up with something like this yesterday, not quite the same, but a story twice a month telling him my thoughts, feelings and fantasies. For me it is not only the communicatiopn that will come from this but it is something I will have to work on in the times that I am missing him, I'm not a story writer at all, so a bit of a challenge for me as well :)

Thank you all for your input, as I am happy with everything else in the relationship, this is something I want to overcome in order to make it work.