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I'm ready to post my next assignment and I just wanted to say that I went a tad over the 2 to 3 thousand words. In fact, the story has ballooned to about 15K as of last night (I'm only posting the first 4450 words here, though). In my defense, I have to tell you that those were a lot of elements to include.Quote:
Originally Posted by Mad Lews
But, without further excuses, here is the tale:
Twenty riders in the dark green and maroon uniforms of the K’San charged up the walkway to the Eastern Gate. Any unfortunate merchants and citizens on the road scattered before them like leaves on the breeze.
At the lead of the cavalry squad was a woman on a pale horse. Her constantly shifting eyes were like chips of obsidian. A stylized pair of wings bisecting a naked sword glinted in silver on her black armored chest plate. The well-worn leather holding her weapons bore mute testimony to the ease with which she dealt death.
The clattering of hooves rang off the tightly packed buildings and she grinned at the alacrity with which the townspeople got out of their way. Frightening the citizenry was her second favorite activity. Leading the way to the castle’s courtyard, she dismounted in front of the large fountain that dominated that space.
The marble and copper tribute to the last great victory of the previous ruler was not designed for bathing or to water horses but that didn’t stop Vish. Her war steed followed her into the spray and lipped carefully at the water while she stuck her head beneath the water pouring from the left hand of the marble goddess.
“Commander, the King has come to greet you.”
Vish looked up at her second in command’s words. She followed his gaze to the steep steps of the castle. “See, I told you there was no need to send a herald.”
“He seems to be offended at our unannounced arrival. I believe we have violated their customs.”
“They are heathens and apostate, Cago. Following their customs would open us up to charges of heresy.”
The florid man paled at her words. “I meant no blasphemy.”
“Of course, not.” Vish replied, clapping him on the shoulder. “That’s why you should be grateful that I am the only one who witnessed your weakness.” Grinning to herself at the ease with which she could make those around her nervous, Vish walked over to the waiting members of government.
“Ah, Mistress Vish. We are honored that you are gracing us with your presence,” the young king said through his clenched teeth. His investiture had come after Vish executed his parents for sedition and impiety during her last campaign in the region.
“Don’t lie to my face, Heto. You hate me and my army and all it represents.” Vish vigorously shook her long black hair and sprayed the king and his retinue with water. “Too bad you can’t do anything about it.” She grinned and stroked her hand over the hilt of her dagger. “Well, you could try but we all know how well that turned out for your father.”
“May I ask why you have come? Surely, the Holy One does not require additional tribute?”
“The Angels and I have been out of the Capital for a while. We don’t have any orders regarding you or your lands.” She shrugged. “I wish to make an offering at the Temple and sell some slaves that we acquired during our campaign.”
“For that you rode through my city with such unseemly haste?”
“Hardly unseemly for one of the Saved,” she chided him.
“I beg your pardon, Mistress.”
Vish smirked at the obvious effort it took for him to apologize. Bored with the conversation, Vish realized that she was famished. “Aren’t you going welcome me properly?” she snidely asked. “Surely, even an apostate follows the rituals of hospitality?”
“Of course. I meant no disrespect.” King Heto waved forward the major-domo.
The head servant snapped his fingers and uniformed serving girls stepped forward with small jewel encrusted bowls of fruits and nuts. Another carried a tray of golden goblets and was followed by a male servant with a decanter of wine and a water pitcher.
Vish accepted the wine but refused the offer to water it down. Tossing back a handful of nuts, she chewed with her mouth open because she knew it would further irritate her unwilling host and his court.
She kept munching through the wiping of her boots and the presentation of the keys to the kingdom. Sliding the chain over her neck, she grinned at look of pain on Heto’s face. Vish wiped her fingers on her leather breeches and handed over a coin blessed by the Supreme Apostle and commemorating his quarter century as Patriarch.
“Thank you.” Heto handed off the coin to a page and wiped his fingers on a silk handkerchief. “How long will we be blessed with your presence?”
Vish sipped the cool liquid from her goblet and savored the deep flavors of the aged wine. “We’ll be out of your hair in a ten day.”
Color rushed to the young man’s face, staining his cheeks with red. “We don’t have accommodations for your entire army for that long.”
“Don’t worry your pretty little head about it. Everyone but me and my personal retinue will camp outside the walls. They will find provisions off the land.” She winked at the king. “I understand the hunting is good in the Royal Forrest.” When he began to sputter, she set her goblet on a passing tray. “Enough of this. I’m ready to see where I’ll be sleeping.”
“Certainly, I will have someone from my staff prepare you a place. Will you join us for a meal?”
“Not tonight. Arrange something to be brought to my rooms. My staff will eat with the army.” Without waiting for an answer, Vish strode toward the steps, forcing the major domo to chase after her.
The next after, she was invited to attend a special showing at the main auction house.
Vish entered the central viewing box of the converted barn and sat on a brocade cushion set upon an unvarnished plank. Except for the single private box, the large room contained simple seating that extended around three sides of the pit. The dirt floor and high wall allowed for all manner of creatures to be led around and viewed, in safety, before purchase.
Each cobble of slaves was led around the pit before being led to a raised platform. Removed from the rest of the chain, the items were taken individually up the ladder where the auctioneer made them bend and flex while he extolled their particular virtues.
Vish watched two strings of her offerings come up for sale. The summer campaign had included brief forays into the Black Woods. The folks there were slightly built but very tough. They could be worked hard for days without any slackening. The bidding was brisk and she smiled wolfishly at how generous this season’s tithe would be.
It might be large enough to purchase a dispensation from further service on the frontier. She longed to return to her lands. Dearly missing her ancestral home and her pleasure slaves, she sighed. Surely, her prayers would be answered with a posting somewhere civilized.
Her attention was brought back to the auction by a disturbance on the dais. One of the items for sale broke free of its bindings and began attacking the guards. They were quickly incapacitated. The auctioneer, his hands clutching at his ruined manhood, rolled around in agony.
The creature was the strangest thing that Vish had ever seen. Of medium build, with prominent breasts and wide hips, she exuded striking sexuality even as she made short work of the guards. Her ears were pointed and her eyes were a remarkable golden color.
“What have we here?” Vish leaned forward and eyed the exotic looking creature. “Is her skin actually green?”
“Yes, ma’am.” The auctioneer’s liaison nodded. “It is a fur covering her entire body. She was captured in the far north.”
“I’ve never seen anything like it.” She watched closely as the creature broke the arm of one of the guards. “I want it.”
“You’ve got to be out of your mind.” The man. “I mean…”
“I know exactly what you mean and you should do an act of contrition for daring to say such a thing to me.” She leaned forward and gave an order to one of her soldiers. He turned smartly and, signaling three of his comrades, they dropped into the pit.
Vish watched the slave as her soldiers advanced. The creature screamed curses in a foreign language but the invective didn’t slow the approach of the Angels of God.
While two of the soldiers began a slow accent of either side of the platform, the third stood at the front and drew his sword. The fourth soldier moved to the back of the platform and uncoiled a rope. Forming a loop, she swung the lasso over her head. The slave never realized that her danger was not from the menacing men but from the circling rope.
Vish grinned at the professional speed with which the recalcitrant slave was subdued. She laughed when the woman lay hogtied on the platform, seething but restrained from doing any further damage to others or herself.
The owner of the auction house scurried gratefully across the pit to the commander. “Mistress, I appreciate you subduing her for me. That creature has been a handful since I acquired it.”
“It was for purely selfish reasons.”
“Oh? Would you be interested in making an offer?”
“First, tell me about this supernatural beast?”
“She was captured up near the snow line of the highest peaks of the north. Not even the historians have found a record of anything like her.”
“Does she speak or understand our language?”
“Not that we’ve been able to determine. Just gibberish.” He glanced over his shoulder at the healers who were tending to his men. “Mistress, I must warn you that what you’ve seen today is fairly typical behavior. She is so violent that there are those who think she is demon spawn.”
“Then you’ll appreciate me taking her off your hands.”
“Pardon?”
Vish enunciated each word. “Give. Her. To. Me.”
“But…but…”
“You’ll be making commission enough on the flesh I brought you.” Vish’s eyes were black pools. “Unless you don’t think my goodwill is worth anything.”
“But, Mistress, please. The likes of her have never been seen in our land. She could bring in thousands.”
“Or she could kill her new owner and leave the heirs free to sue you for negligence.” Watching the merchant, she saw his shoulders slump as he made his decision. “I’m glad you see things my way.”
The merchant’s bow was just inches short of insolent. “It is such a pleasure to do business with Angels,” he said. “Do you need to make arrangements for her to be kept on our premises until a suitable cage is made?”
“No, we’ll take her with us now.”
“Do you want a pain stick or shackles?”
“Unnecessary.”
“How do you intend to control her?”
“I have my ways, little man.” Standing up, she signaled to her soldiers.
One lifted the bound slave and tossed her over a broad shoulder. The creature’s struggles were nothing to the well-armored warrior.
Upon returning to the castle, Vish ordered the King to show her the dungeon. “I need a place for my new slave and I’m sure you don’t want bloodstains in my room.”
Heto snapped his fingers for the Sergeant at Arms to give her full access to the underground chambers. “I hope you find all you need.”
“You won’t come and show me the way?”
“No, I have never been down there.” The young man backed up a step.
“Really?”
“Yes. Since the kingdom was blessed with full protectorate status, it is the Temple that handles all of the criminals. That level has been unused for more than a decade.”
“Well, I hope, for your sake, that I find the accommodations to my liking,” Vish said, following the guard down the spiral staircase.
Peering into cells that reeked of mold, Vish shook her head and decided to set up in the primary torture chamber. That room was at least able to be well lit and contained all the necessary restraints and devices that she might need.
In the center of the room was a large iron bolt. Her soldiers forced the slave to her knees and connected a chain from the collar around her neck to the floor. The chain was barely long enough for the slave to make it to her knees.
Ordering a meal to be brought, Vish sat down on the throne that dominated the room. Wiggling around to get comfortable on the carved granite, she watched the creature test the strength of her bonds. The short fur that covered the slave’s body seemed to highlight the straining of her muscles. After several moments of struggle, the creature turned to glare in her direction.
Vish showed no reaction to the hatred in the golden eyes. Patiently, she waited until the creature had visibly calmed before she stood up. Stalking across the room, Vish circled the kneeling form. “Since you have not been saved, your soul is lost. I can do anything to you that I wish.” Punctuating her comment with a hard slap that rocked the slave, she curled her lip when the creature spat a mouthful of blood at her.
“We start tonight. Everything you will get for the rest of your life comes from me.” She drew her dagger and cut off the few ragged fragments of garments that the creature still wore. “You will be kept naked until I feel you have earned the right to cover yourself from my eyes.”
Vish turned her back and walked over to the table. With obvious relish and a smacking of her lips, she tucked into her dinner. She grinned at the look of longing in the golden eyes. “I wonder when you last ate?” she asked.
She finished what she could and deliberately left food on the plates. Completely ignoring the creature secured to the floor, she wiped her mouth on the linen napkin and pushed back from the table. Blowing out the lanterns, she headed up the steps to her rooms.
“No-one is to enter the dungeon,” she said over her shoulder to the pair of soldiers posted at the end of the passage. Not waiting for an answer, she went to the bathing chamber for a long soak. Heathens or not, the kingdom did have plenty of hot water available and that was a good thing after all the months she had spent in the field.
Waking the next morning, she immediately went down to check on her newest property. She was about to nudge the creature awake until she saw the golden eyes were opened and watching her.
“Good. You’re ready for the first test.” Vish poured a handful of water into her palm and held it down near the slave’s chin.
The slave growled and kept her eyes focused on the far wall.
Vish grinned and turned her hand over, letting the water trickle to the ground. With the slave’s eyes on her, she poured the contents of the pitcher onto the floor as well. “Your decision. I will try again at the noon meal.”
Leaving the castle, Vish made sure that the royal staff was aware that the slave was not to be trifled with. Her escape would result in a flogging or even death for the unfortunate who allowed it.
The new Temple was only a short walk from the castle. Taking a ritual bath before entering the sacristy, Vish prostrated herself before the altar. She lay there communing with the One True God, forcing the priests to move around her prone body for several hours. Rising, she revisited the bathing chamber and returned to the castle.
She ordered a large lunch to be brought down to the dungeon. As she entered the torture chamber, she saw that the slave was slouching against the chains. The creature was the very picture of misery. Even the beast’s pointy ears seemed to droop.
Repeating her earlier attempt, Vish poured water into her palm and held her hand close to the slave’s mouth. Green fur ruffling, the slave leaned forward and lapped at the liquid.
“Very good.” Vish continued to fill her palm until the slave had enough. Continuing to fill her hand, she took the remaining water and stroked the slave’s face and head, ignoring the flinching and trembling that the contact caused.
The fur was soft beneath her fingers and she marveled at the texture. “How strange you are,” she murmured.
Finally satisfied that she had cleaned the creature enough, Vish walked over to the table and sat down. She just watched the play of muscles as the slave reacted to being the center of attention. Vish’s focus was broken when her meal arrived.
“I still don’t understand why you want that thing.” Cago stated as he set the tray containing bowls of meats and vegetables down on the table. He could not conceal the look of revulsion on his face.
“What’s your problem?”
“Look at her!”
“Her flesh matches the colors that we wear for His Holiness.”
“She is a beast.”
“She looks human enough.”
“She is Unclean.”
“Its not like I’ll be eating her.” Vish grinned. “I intend to train her to eat me.”
“Lying with beasts is a sin.”
“True.” Vish picked the choicest morsels from the platter and filled her bowl. She popped a piece of meat into her mouth and chewed thoughtfully while she stared at her second in command. “You would be welcome to return to your former position.”
Cago lost all color in his face. “Mistress, please, do not joke about that.”
“I never joke about my conquests. You know that.” She wiped her mouth and said, “You don’t seem pleased with the prospect of tasting paradise again.”
“No offense but I only recently recovered from our last joining.”
“I don’t recall you complaining at the time.”
“It was an experience that I will never forget.”
“Surely your time in my bed was not all bad.”
“Of course not.” Cago tugged at his collar. “It was an honor, Mistress, that I no longer feel worthy of.”
Vish laughed gaily. She was proud of her ability to drain a man dry. “Don’t worry, Cago, you are safe. For now, at least.”
“Thank you, Mistress.” Clearing his throat, Cago asked. “Why are we down here?”
“Training.”
Cago looked confused. “Then why aren’t we in your bedroom?”
“Contrary to popular opinion, it isn’t all about sex.” Vish tore off a hunk of bread and dipped it into the mint sauce. “She needs to be tamed.”
“Just beat her until she is broken and be done with it.”
“I don’t want to break her. No, I want her obedience without killing her spirit.” Winking at Cago, Vish said, “Sort of like what I did to you.”
“Excuse me?”
“Admit it, you were enslaved by me.”
“I am not a slave.”
“Of course you were. Your body responds even now to my commands.” Vish allowed her eyes to prowl over Cago’s face, down his neck, over his chest, and down his torso, before they moved back up his body again.
The big man flushed and shifted nervously. “Nonsense,” he croaked.
“It is the simple truth. I used your mind to make your body mine.”
“I am not a slave!” he repeated.
“There is no shame in it. Slaves can either be born or made. I’m not suggesting that you are entirely submissive. You would be a poor second in command if that were the case. You do, however, belong to me.”
“I don’t understand how you can say this to me.”
“At every opportunity, I gave you a choice.” She walked over and stood next to him and smiled when she saw him tremble. “Each time, your desires and your needs made you to serve me willingly.” Leaning close to him, she watched his nostrils flare and his eyes darken. “In the same manner, I will teach her so that I may take my use from her.”
Cago shook his head and backed away from her. “I am not like her.”
Shrugging, Vish sat back down at the table. She was tired of arguing with him. “Whatever it takes to help you get through the night.”
“She doesn’t even speak a civilized language.”
“I don’t want her for conversation. I can train her to be a cunning linguist.” Laughing at her joke, Vish sighed at the mulish look on Cago’s face. “Relax, you’re only down here because I need your help.”
“What do you want from me?”
“To start with, I must teach her that I am the source of all bounty.”
“How are you going to do that?”
“She hasn’t received any food since I purchased her and a little lesson is necessary.”
“All right. Tell me what to do.”
“Don’t I always?” Vish picked up a bowl of lightly spiced meat and moved to stand directly in front of the bound slave.
“You will eat nothing that you do not receive directly from my own hand, or with my permission. You will not ask to be fed, nor make any attempts to remind me to feed you. You will wait quietly until I feed you or you will do without. When I offer you food, you will take it in your mouth, not your hands. Here,” Vish held up a dripping morsel of lamb.
Waiting until the slave dipped her head slightly, Vish extended her arm. “Don’t even think of biting me.”
Gingerly, the slave used her tongue to draw the meat from between Vish’s fingers.
Vish fed her two more pieces before backing up and waving Cago over. “Grab another bowl and offer the contents to her.”
When the slave made a move to take the food from his fingers, Vish viciously struck out with her heavy boot. The slave landed hard on her side and lay wheezing on the stone floor.
“Get up.” Vish glared at the slave until the creature had dragged herself back to her knees.
“Offer her another.”
Obeying her order, Cago held out a chunk of meat. This time, the slave kept her eyes on Vish. “Very good.”
Vish extended another morsel. The slave hesitated for a moment before bending her head to take the piece into her mouth.
“You are a fast learner,” praised Vish. “You may not starve after all.” She dropped some meat on the floor and slave stared at her. She pointed at the piece and grinned when the slave bared her teeth.
Stepping forward, Vish tapped her foot next to the food on the floor. When the slave reached out a hand, Vish stomped on it.
Vish watched the slave snatch her hand back and cradle it against her chest. Smirking, Vish pointed at her mouth and tapped her boot on the ground again. “You don’t have permission to use your hands.”
She was startled when the creature suddenly lunged forward to seize her leg and bite her fiercely on the ankle. “Curse on the devil,” she shouted, shaking her leg in an attempt to break the grip of teeth on her flesh.
It took several blows before the creature loosened her jaw and let go. Sitting back on her haunches, she licked Vish’s blood from her lips.
“You should kill it.”
“I’m not going to let its suffering end so quickly.” Vish limped over to the wall and pulled down a single tail whip. Brandishing the whip at the beast, she said, “You don’t know our laws but you are bound by them. I will punish you now for your assault.” Vish looked at Cago. “String her up while I tend to this.”
Sitting down, she pulled up her pants leg. She shook her head at her decision to not wear boots and glanced up to see Cago advance on the slave with two soldiers. They pinned the creature down with their pikes, giving her second in command the chance to unlock the chain to connecting the slave’s collar to the floor.
Vish poured some unwatered wine over the bite wound and hissed in pain. Through pain narrowed eyes she watched Cago drag the slave across the floor to a set of shackles attached to a chain that led to a pulley and a winch.
“Take up the slack,” she ordered. “I want her elbows even with her pointy ears.”
Wiping up the blood and wine, Vish toss that napkin to the floor and grabbed another one. “Here, tie this on,” she told Cago.
Once her wound was tended to, she unfurled the whip and cracked it once to test the limberness. “First offense is fifty strokes,” Vish said as she laid down the first stripe.
The slim form was hanging by her wrists by the time Vish reached the magic number. Sweating and shivering, the golden eyes were blank as Vish let her down and had her dragged back to the ring on the floor.
Leaving the slave alone in the cold and dark, Vish stomped up the stairs. Furious at herself for letting down her guard around an unbroken beast, she snarled at the messenger from the king who invited her to dine with his court that evening. “No, I don’t wish to eat with godless infidels.”
In pain from her leg, she decided that the best penance would be for a surprise inspection of her troops. There was no reason that everyone else shouldn’t be as miserable as she was.
It was late when she returned to the castle. The honor guards on the doors were startled awake by her sudden appearance and she had been forced to disarm them. Twirling one of the newly acquired swords, she walked to her room happier than she had been all day.
The next morning, she returned to the dungeon. Vish was pleased to see the creature struggle to her knees and focus those golden eyes on the floor at her arrival.
“You’ve already gotten one taste of what happens when you harm or disobey me.” Vish pulled her crop from her belt. “Here is another.” She struck the slave on either shoulder, not pulling the blow.
Scraping a fingernail along the raised welts, Vish grinned at the shiver the slave was unable to suppress. “I will beat you for no other reason than it gives me pleasure.”
The slave jerked away from her touch. Vish grabbed her by the ear and pulled her back. “I have the right touch you. Anytime. Anywhere.” She released the ear and stroked the slave’s face. This time, although the creature’s entire body trembled, she stayed in place.
“Do not try to avoid my touch. Trust me when I tell you that someday you will beg for it.”
I like it, though I don't feel like I know enough to give the critical nits that the teachers do. It hints at a lot more than it states, and that's the way it should be.
Twenty riders in the dark green and maroon uniforms of the K’San charged up the walkway to the Eastern Gate. Any unfortunate merchants and citizens on the road scattered before them like leaves on the breeze. Any merchants and citizens unfortunate enough to be traversing the road scattered before them like leaves in the breeze.
At the lead of the cavalry squad was a woman on a pale horse. Her constantly shifting eyes were like chips of obsidian.Combine these first two sentences or give a punch to the ending of the second sentence - present a moment: "...obsidian, bringing fear to those who dared gaze on her." That sentence alone sort of peters out. A stylized pair of wings bisecting a naked sword glinted in silver on her black armored chest plate. I assume the wings were raised or etched in, but I would like to know more - it's a powerful visual but it could be more so.The well-worn leather holding her weapons bore mute testimony to the ease with which she dealt death.I like this last sentence.
The clattering of hooves rang off the tightly packed buildings and she grinned at the alacrity with which the townspeople got out of their way. I would like to see the first sentence broken into two and I want to know what sort of grin she had - an adjective - or would it be an adverb? - thrown in. Frightening the citizenry was her second favorite activity. What was her first? Leading the way to the castle’s courtyard, she dismounted in front of the large fountain that dominated that space.Try eliminating the "that", throw in "dominating" and find another word(s) for "space".
The marble and copper tribute to the last great victory of the previous ruler was not designed for bathing or to water horses but that didn’t stop - try "was no obstacle for" or something similar. She is a bad ass - make her more bad ass. Vish. Her war steed followed her into the spray and lipped - try "to lip" carefully at the water while she stuck - I hate that she "stuck" her head anywhere. There has to be a better way to say that. Maybe she "thrust" her head beneath the water pouring from the left hand of the marble goddess. The order of this is odd and it leads to more wordiness. She "Thrust her head beneath the water pouring forth from the marble goddess. Who cares which hand?
“Commander, the King has come to greet you.”
Vish looked up at her second in command’s words. She followed - "Following" his gaze to the steep steps of the castle. “See - eliminate that. , I told you there was no need to send a herald.”Does she really need an "I told ya so?" How about "As I expected, there was no need to send a herald"? or a simple "As I expected he would".
“He seems to be offended at our unannounced arrival. I believe we have violated their customs.”
“They are heathens and apostate, Cago. Following their customs would open us up to charges of heresy.”
The florid man paled at her words. “I meant no blasphemy.”
“Of course, not.” Vish replied, clapping him on the shoulder. “That’s why you should be grateful that I am the only one who witnessed your weakness.” Grinning to herself at the ease with which she could make those around her nervous, Vish walked over to the waiting members of government.This doesn't work for me. He would know that it would be a blasphemy - to me it would seem more of an observation than anything else.
“Ah, Mistress Vish. We are honored that you are gracing us with your presence,” the young king said through his - eliminate clenched teeth. His investiture had come after Vish executed his parents for sedition and impiety during her last campaign in the region.There needs to be a close - There was little love lost between the two.
“Don’t lie to my face, Heto. You hate me and my army and all it represents.” Vish vigorously shook her long black hair and sprayed - spraying the king and his retinue with water. “Too bad you can’t do anything about it. - A bad ass doesn't need to brag. She would make simple statements like "Alas, there is nothing for it" ” She grinned and - you love your conjunctions. Try "Grinning, she stroked her hand..." stroked her hand over the hilt of her dagger. “Well, you could try but we all know how well that turned out for your father. "your father found little solace in thwarting my will." ”
“May I ask why you have come? Surely, the Holy One does not require additional tribute?”
“The Angels and I have been out of the Capital for a while. We don’t have any orders regarding you or your lands.” She shrugged. “I wish to make an offering at the Temple and sell some slaves that we acquired during our campaign.”
“For that you rode through my city with such unseemly haste?”
“Hardly unseemly for one of the Saved,” she chided him.
“I beg your pardon, Mistress.”
Vish smirked at the obvious effort it took for him - the proud king - give more effect to the apology and the difficulty with which it was given. This is a man of power and pride. to apologize. Bored with the conversation, Vish realized that she was famished. “Aren’t you going welcome me properly?” she snidely asked - asked snidely. “Surely, even an apostate follows the rituals of hospitality?”
“Of course. I meant no disrespect.” King Heto waved forward the major-domo.
The head servant snapped his fingers and uniformed serving girls stepped forward with small jewel encrusted bowls of fruits and nuts. Two sentences - "...snapped his fingers. Immediately, serving girls..." Another carried a tray of golden goblets and was followed by a male servant with a decanter of wine and a water pitcher.
Vish accepted the wine but refused the offer to water it down. Tossing back a handful of nuts, she chewed with her mouth open because she knew - "...open, knowing... it would further irritate her unwilling host and his court.
She kept munching through the wiping of her boots and the presentation of the keys to the kingdom. - This sucked buttermilk! "Munching"? Really? Sliding the key'schain over her neck, she grinned at look of pain on Heto’s face. Vish wiped her fingers on her leather breeches and handed over a coin blessed by the Supreme Apostle and commemorating his quarter century as Patriarch.
“Thank you.” Heto handed off the coin to a page and wiped his fingers on a silk handkerchief. “How long will we be blessed with your presence?”
Vish sipped the cool liquid from her goblet and savored the deep flavors of the aged wine. “We’ll be out of your hair in a ten day.”
Color rushed to the young man’s face, staining his cheeks with red. “We don’t have accommodations for your entire army for that long.”
“Don’t worry your pretty little head about it. Everyone but me and my personal retinue will camp outside the walls. They will find provisions off the land.” She winked at the king. “I understand the hunting is good in the Royal Forrest.” When he began to sputter, she set - try "placed" her goblet on a passing tray. “Enough of this. I’m ready to see where I’ll be sleeping. - try "my accommodations". This should have a polite formality that offsets the obvious discomfort of the situation.”
“Certainly, I will have someone from my staff prepare you a place. Will you join us for a meal?”
“Not tonight. Arrange something to be brought to my rooms. My staff will eat with the army.” Without waiting for an answer, Vish strode toward the steps, forcing the major domo to chase after her.
The next after, - what? she was invited to attend a special showing at the main auction house.
Vish entered the central viewing box of the converted barn and sat on a brocade cushion set upon an unvarnished plank. Except for the single private box, the large room contained simple seating that extended around three sides of the pit. The dirt floor and high wall allowed for all manner of creatures to be led around and viewed, in safety, before purchase.
Each cobble of slaves was led around the pit before being led to a raised platform. Removed from the rest of the chain, the items were taken individually up the ladder where the auctioneer made them bend and flex while he extolled - extolling their particular virtues.
Vish watched two strings of her ownofferings come up for sale. The summer campaign had included brief forays into the Black Woods. The folks there were slightly built but very tough - hardy. They could be worked hard - eliminate for days without any slackening - no mercy. The bidding was brisk and she smiled wolfishly at how generous this season’s tithe would be.
It might be large enough to purchase a dispensation from further service on the frontier. She longed to return to her lands. Dearly missing her ancestral home and her pleasure slaves, she sighed. Surely, her prayers would be answered with a posting somewhere civilized.
Her attention was brought back to the auction by a disturbance on the dais. One of the items for sale broke free of its bindings and began attacking the guards. They were quickly incapacitated. The auctioneer, his hands clutching at his ruined manhood, rolled around in agony. - something isn't right here and I am not sure what.
The creature was the strangest thing that Vish had ever seen. Of medium build, with prominent breasts and wide hips, she exuded - exuding or start a new sentence. striking sexuality even as she made short work of the guards. Her ears were pointed and her eyes were a remarkable golden color.
“What have we here?” Vish leaned forward and eyed the exotic looking creature. “Is her skin actually green?”
“Yes, ma’am.” The auctioneer’s liaison nodded. “It is a fur covering her entire body. She was captured in the far north.”
“I’ve never seen anything like it.” She watched closely as the creature broke the arm of one of the guards. “I want it.” This is where your dialog issue gets you into trouble. "I’ve never seen anything like it," she said, her voice filled with amazement, watching the creature dispense with yet another guard.
“You’ve got to be out of your mind.” The man. - this looks like an oversight. “I mean…”
“I know exactly what you mean and you should do an act of contrition for daring to say such a thing to me." - You're better than this childish sentence. "you should do an act of contrition" is sophomoric as hell. It also doesn't fit with the righteousness of this character. She leaned forward and gave an order to one of her soldiers. He turned smartly and, signaling three of his comrades, they dropped into the pit.
Vish watched the slave as her soldiers advanced. The creature screamed curses in a foreign language but the invective didn’t slow the approach of the Angels of God. - Way to drop a moment into boredom here. Try throwing in a comma after "language" and then "the invective failing to slow the approach of the Angels of God."
While two of the soldiers began a slow accent of either side of the platform, the third stood at the front and drew his sword. The fourth soldier moved to the back of the platform and uncoiled a rope. Forming a loop, she swung the lasso over her head. The slave never realized that her danger was not from the menacing men but from the circling rope. - there is a much more exiting way to say this.
Vish grinned at the professional speed with which the recalcitrant slave was subdued. She laughed when the woman lay hogtied on the platform, seething but restrained from doing any further damage to others or herself.
The owner of the auction house scurried gratefully across the pit to the commander. “Mistress, I appreciate you subduing her for me. That creature has been a handful since I acquired it.”
“It was for purely selfish reasons.”
“Oh? Would you be interested in making an offer?”
“First, tell me about this supernatural beast?”
“She was captured up near the snow line of the highest peaks of the north. Not even the historians have found a record of anything like her.”
“Does she speak or understand our language?”
“Not that we’ve been able to determine. Just gibberish.” He glanced over his shoulder at the healers who were tending to his men. “Mistress, I must warn you that what you’ve seen today is fairly typical behavior. She is so violent that there are those who think she is demon spawn.”
“Then you’ll appreciate me taking her off your hands.”
“Pardon?”
Vish enunciated each word. “Give. Her. To. Me.”
“But…but…”
“You’ll be making commission enough on the flesh I brought you.” Vish’s eyes were black pools you need something more menacing here - she could be staring at him or her eyes could be cutting into him...something more than black pools.. “Unless you don’t think my goodwill is worth anything.”
“But, Mistress, please. The likes of her have never been seen in our land. She could bring in thousands.”
“Or she could kill her new owner and leave the heirs free to sue you for negligence.” Watching the merchant, she saw his shoulders slump as he made his decision. “I’m glad you see things my way.”
The merchant’s bow was just inches short of insolent. “It is such a pleasure to do business with Angels,” he said. “Do you need to make arrangements for her to be kept on our premises until a suitable cage is made?”
“No, we’ll take her with us now.”
“Do you want a pain stick or shackles?”
“Unnecessary.”
“How do you intend to control her?”
“I have my ways, little man.” Standing up, she signaled to her soldiers.
One lifted the bound slave and tossed her over a broad shoulder. The creature’s struggles were nothing to the well-armored warrior.
Upon returning to the castle, Vish ordered the King to show her the dungeon. “I need a place for my new slave and I’m sure you don’t want bloodstains in my room.”
Heto snapped his fingers for the Sergeant at Arms to give her full access to the underground chambers. “I hope you find all you need.”
“You won’t come and show me the way?”
“No, I have never been down there.” The young man backed up a step.
“Really?”
“Yes. Since the kingdom was blessed with full protectorate status, it is the Temple that handles all of the criminals. That level has been unused for more than a decade.”
“Well, I hope, for your sake, that I find the accommodations to my liking,” Vish said, following the guard down the spiral staircase.
Peering into cells that reeked of mold, Vish shook her head and decided to set up in the primary torture chamber. That room was at least able to be well lit and contained all the necessary restraints and devices that - eliminate she might need.
In the center of the room was a large iron bolt. Her soldiers forced the slave to her knees and connected a chain from the collar around her neck to the floor. The chain was barely long enough for the slave to make it to her knees.
Ordering a meal to be brought, Vish sat down on the throne that dominated the room. Wiggling around to get comfortable on the carved granite, she watched the creature test the strength of her bonds. The short fur that covered the slave’s body seemed to highlight the straining of her muscles. After several moments of struggle, the creature turned to glare in her direction.
Vish showed no reaction to the hatred in the golden eyes. Patiently, she waited until the creature had visibly calmed before she stood up. Stalking across the room, Vish circled the kneeling form. “Since you have not been saved, your soul is lost. I can do anything to you that I wish.” Punctuating her comment with a hard slap that rocked the slave, she curled her lip when the creature spat a mouthful of blood at her.
“We start tonight. Everything you will get for the rest of your life comes from me.” She drew her dagger and cut off the few ragged fragments of garments that the creature still wore. “You will be kept naked until I feel you have earned the right to cover yourself from my eyes.”
Vish turned her back and walked over to the table. With obvious relish and a smacking of her lips, she tucked into her dinner. She grinned at the look of longing in the golden eyes. “I wonder when you last ate?” she asked.
She finished what she could and deliberately left food on the plates. Completely ignoring the creature secured to the floor, she wiped her mouth on the linen napkin and pushed back from the table. Blowing out the lanterns, she headed up the steps to her rooms.
“No-one is to enter the dungeon,” she said over her shoulder to the pair of soldiers posted at the end of the passage. Not waiting for an answer, she went to the bathing chamber for a long soak. Heathens or not, the kingdom did have plenty of hot water available and that was a good thing after all the months she had spent in the field.
Waking the next morning, she immediately went down to check on her newest property. She was about to nudge the creature awake until she saw the golden eyes were opened and watching her.
“Good. You’re ready for the first test.” Vish poured a handful of water into her palm and held it down near the slave’s chin.
The slave growled and kept her eyes focused on the far wall.
Vish grinned and turned her hand over, letting the water trickle to the ground. With the slave’s eyes on her, she poured the contents of the pitcher onto the floor as well. “Your decision. I will try again at the noon meal.”
Leaving the castle, Vish made sure that the royal staff was aware that the slave was not to be trifled with. Her escape would result in a flogging or even death for the unfortunate who allowed it.
The new Temple was only a short walk from the castle. Taking a ritual bath before entering the sacristy, Vish prostrated herself before the altar. She lay there communing with the One True God, forcing the priests to move around her prone body for several hours. Rising, she revisited the bathing chamber and returned to the castle.
She ordered a large lunch to be brought down to the dungeon. As she entered the torture chamber, she saw that the slave was slouching against the chains. The creature was the very picture of misery. Even the beast’s pointy ears seemed to droop.
Repeating her earlier attempt, Vish poured water into her palm and held her hand close to the slave’s mouth. Green fur ruffling, the slave leaned forward and lapped at the liquid.
“Very good.” Vish continued to fill her palm until the slave had enough. Continuing to fill her hand, she took the remaining water and stroked the slave’s face and head, ignoring the flinching and trembling that the contact caused.
The fur was soft beneath her fingers and she marveled at the texture. “How strange you are,” she murmured.
Finally satisfied that she had cleaned the creature enough, Vish walked over to the table and sat down. She just watched the play of muscles as the slave reacted to being the center of attention. Vish’s focus was broken when her meal arrived.
“I still don’t understand why you want that thing.” Cago stated as he set the tray containing bowls of meats and vegetables down on the table. He could not conceal the look of revulsion on his face.
“What’s your problem?”
“Look at her!”
“Her flesh matches the colors that we wear for His Holiness.”
“She is a beast.”
“She looks human enough.”
“She is Unclean.”
“Its not like I’ll be eating her.” Vish grinned. “I intend to train her to eat me.”
“Lying with beasts is a sin.”
“True.” Vish picked the choicest morsels from the platter and filled her bowl. She popped a piece of meat into her mouth and chewed thoughtfully while she stared at her second in command. “You would be welcome to return to your former position.”
Cago lost all color in his face. “Mistress, please, do not joke about that.”
“I never joke about my conquests. You know that.” She wiped her mouth and said, “You don’t seem pleased with the prospect of tasting paradise again.”
“No offense but I only recently recovered from our last joining.”
“I don’t recall you complaining at the time.”
“It was an experience that I will never forget.”
“Surely your time in my bed was not all bad.”
“Of course not.” Cago tugged at his collar. “It was an honor, Mistress, that I no longer feel worthy of.”
Vish laughed gaily. She was proud of her ability to drain a man dry. “Don’t worry, Cago, you are safe. For now, at least.”
“Thank you, Mistress.” Clearing his throat, Cago asked. “Why are we down here?”
“Training.”
Cago looked confused. “Then why aren’t we in your bedroom?”
“Contrary to popular opinion, it isn’t all about sex.” Vish tore off a hunk of bread and dipped it into the mint sauce. “She needs to be tamed.”
“Just beat her until she is broken and be done with it.”
“I don’t want to break her. No, I want her obedience without killing her spirit.” Winking at Cago, Vish said, “Sort of like what I did to you.”
“Excuse me?”
“Admit it, you were enslaved by me.”
“I am not a slave.”
“Of course you were. Your body responds even now to my commands.” Vish allowed her eyes to prowl over Cago’s face, down his neck, over his chest, and down his torso, before they moved back up his body again.
The big man flushed and shifted nervously. “Nonsense,” he croaked.
“It is the simple truth. I used your mind to make your body mine.”
“I am not a slave!” he repeated.
“There is no shame in it. Slaves can either be born or made. I’m not suggesting that you are entirely submissive. You would be a poor second in command if that were the case. You do, however, belong to me.”
“I don’t understand how you can say this to me.”
“At every opportunity, I gave you a choice.” She walked over and stood next to him and smiled when she saw him tremble. “Each time, your desires and your needs made you to serve me willingly.” Leaning close to him, she watched his nostrils flare and his eyes darken. “In the same manner, I will teach her so that I may take my use from her.”
Cago shook his head and backed away from her. “I am not like her.”
Shrugging, Vish sat back down at the table. She was tired of arguing with him. “Whatever it takes to help you get through the night.”
“She doesn’t even speak a civilized language.”
“I don’t want her for conversation. I can train her to be a cunning linguist.” Laughing at her joke, Vish sighed at the mulish look on Cago’s face. “Relax, you’re only down here because I need your help.”
“What do you want from me?”
“To start with, I must teach her that I am the source of all bounty.”
“How are you going to do that?”
“She hasn’t received any food since I purchased her and a little lesson is necessary.”
“All right. Tell me what to do.”
“Don’t I always?” Vish picked up a bowl of lightly spiced meat and moved to stand directly in front of the bound slave.
“You will eat nothing that you do not receive directly from my own hand, or with my permission. You will not ask to be fed, nor make any attempts to remind me to feed you. You will wait quietly until I feed you or you will do without. When I offer you food, you will take it in your mouth, not your hands. Here,” Vish held up a dripping morsel of lamb.
Waiting until the slave dipped her head slightly, Vish extended her arm. “Don’t even think of biting me.”
Gingerly, the slave used her tongue to draw the meat from between Vish’s fingers.
Vish fed her two more pieces before backing up and waving Cago over. “Grab another bowl and offer the contents to her.”
When the slave made a move to take the food from his fingers, Vish viciously struck out with her heavy boot. The slave landed hard on her side and lay wheezing on the stone floor.
“Get up.” Vish glared at the slave until the creature had dragged herself back to her knees.
“Offer her another.”
Obeying her order, Cago held out a chunk of meat. This time, the slave kept her eyes on Vish. “Very good.”
Vish extended another morsel. The slave hesitated for a moment before bending her head to take the piece into her mouth.
“You are a fast learner,” praised Vish - awkward order of words. “You may not starve after all.” She dropped some meat on the floor and slave stared at her. She pointed at the piece and grinned when the slave bared her teeth.
Stepping forward, Vish tapped her foot next to the food on the floor. When the slave reached out a hand, Vish stomped on it.
Vish watched the slave snatch her hand back and cradle it against her chest. Smirking, Vish pointed at her mouth and tapped her boot on the ground again. “You don’t have permission to use your hands.”
She was startled when the creature suddenly lunged forward to seize her leg and bite her fiercely on the ankle. “Curse on the devil,” she shouted, shaking her leg in an attempt to break the grip of teeth on her flesh.
It took several blows before the creature loosened her jaw and let go. Sitting back on her haunches, she licked Vish’s blood from her lips.
“You should kill it.”
“I’m not going to let its suffering end so quickly.” Vish limped over to the wall and pulled down a single tail whip. Brandishing the whip at the beast, she said, “You don’t know our laws but you are bound by them. I will punish you now for your assault.” Vish looked at Cago. “String her up while I tend to this.”
Sitting down, she pulled up her pants leg. She shook - try Shaking. You are going passive again. her head at her decision to not wear boots and - always with the "and's glanced up to see Cago advance on the slave with two soldiers. They pinned the creature down with their pikes, giving her second in command the chance to unlock the chain to connecting the slave’s collar to the floor.
Vish poured some unwatered wine over the bite wound and hissed in pain. Through pain narrowed eyes she watched Cago drag the slave across the floor to a set of shackles attached to a chain that led to a pulley and a winch.
“Take up the slack,” she ordered. “I want her elbows even with her pointy ears.”
Wiping up the blood and wine, Vish toss that napkin to the floor and grabbed another one. “Here, tie this on,” she told Cago.
Once her wound was tended to, she unfurled the whip and cracked it once to test the limberness. “First offense is fifty strokes,” Vish said as she laid down the first stripe.
The slim form was hanging by her wrists by the time Vish reached the magic number. Sweating and shivering, the golden eyes were blank - how about a better adjective here? as Vish let her down and had her dragged back to the ring on the floor.
Leaving the slave alone in the cold and dark, Vish stomped up the stairs. Furious at herself for letting down her guard around an unbroken beast, she snarled at the messenger from the king who invited her to dine with his court that evening. “No, I don’t wish to eat with godless infidels.”
In pain from her leg, she decided that the best penance would be for a surprise inspection of her troops. There was no reason that everyone else shouldn’t be as miserable as she was.
It was late when she returned to the castle. The honor guards on the doors were startled awake by her sudden appearance and she had been forced to disarm them. Twirling one of the newly acquired swords, she walked to her room happier than she had been all day.
The next morning, she returned to the dungeon. Vish was pleased to see the creature struggle to her knees and focus those golden eyes on the floor at her arrival. - this entire paragraph could be said with more style. The first sentence was dead. Frankly, I would combine the first with the second and see where it took me.
“You’ve already gotten one taste of what happens when you harm or disobey me.” Vish pulled her crop from her belt. “Here is another.” She struck the slave on either shoulder, not pulling the blow.
Scraping a fingernail along the raised welts, Vish grinned at the shiver the slave was unable to suppress. “I will beat you for no other reason than it gives me pleasure.”
The slave jerked away from her touch. Vish grabbed her by the ear and pulled her back. “I have the right touch you. Anytime. Anywhere.” She released the ear and stroked the slave’s face. This time, although the creature’s entire body trembled, she stayed in place.
“Do not try to avoid my touch. Trust me when I tell you that someday you will beg for it.”
More commentary to follow.
Hi ER,
Well I'm glad to see the assignment was so inspirational. I must confess I was looking for something a little more laconic. I guess I should have been clearer about that. I mean there's nothing wrong with taking this and running with a whole big story or even a novel if you so desire but the assignment was for something a bit tighter.
OK lets see, we have a few items we wanted to include,
a Gothic castle , check
a dungeon, hell yeah
a supernatural beast, that's a maybe
a whip, a chain and some sensual dialog, no problem
Now what I'd love to see is this reduced too a much tighter scenario, maybe not everything you've given us here but the essence. Work hard at saying and implying much with an economy of words.
I'm not saying this is the way to write, it's a way to write, it's important when you are pacing a story to move things along at some points in the tale. That way when you do linger the reader sees the difference and knows the detail is important.
You are very good at rich almost languid detail, that has its place. You also need to pace; minor characters (the auctioneer for intense) should be described minimally and only for how they impact the main characters. More complex secondary characters need to be explained in a more consistent and concise manner (the boy king, her second in command etc.)
Think it over for a day or so, get Deans input (Whoops I guess you just got that:) ) and let me do some crunching then tackle it again. Map out what you want to get done, grand entrance, cowering vassle king, buy an (unnatural?)slave, start training. then think about what your main character needs to do to get from point A to point D. Then it's just a matter of walking her through it, though in Vish's case she might lead you through it instead. :rolleyes:
Anyway, I must say I like what you wrote, I would love to read the rest of the story, and I hate to distract you with this kind of route assignment but...
I'll go over it tonight or tomorrow, try and come up with some suggested techniques, and I hope you realize this assignment need not be part of the story it's inspired. Your story may well work better the way you've presented it. So just for practice and because you can do it.
Once more into the breech, two to three thousand words please.
Yours
Mad Lews
You still have a tendency to throw "and" in where it weakens the moment. I know it is correct in usage but it can really sap the punch from a sentence.
For instance:
The clattering of hooves rang off the tightly packed buildings and she grinned at the alacrity with which the townspeople got out of their way.
The and really kicks this sentence down a notch. You can make it two or one, but the "and" just slows it down. You do this a lot! You also use simple terms where slightly more interesting terms could spice things. "got out of the way" just doesn't suit your ability or this piece.
The clattering of hooves rang off the tightly packed buildings. She grinned at the alacrity with which the townspeople scattered from the onrushing hoard of soldier's horses.
You also tend to use contractions in your narration that don't belong. It's fine to use contractions in dialog but not the best plan in narration - not so frequently as you use them, at any rate.
Another thing you tend to do is end or start paragraphs with uninteresting paragraphs that really go nowhere.
"The next morning, she returned to the dungeon."
That was the start of a paragraph that should have had interest. We know why she went to the dungeon but you can still give us a reason - a motivation.
Well, I could go on a bit, but I don't want to overwhelm. You've a knack and a half for telling a story - as I have said before. A few minor modifications to how you go about it and you will have really excellent stories and, frankly, if I were not here to destroy your ego I would be giving this a "9" in the library.
Catch ya later!
I'm not sure that I completely understand what you're asking for--do you want a story or just a vignette with the elements? I'm not even sure that I have the faintest idea how to tighten this up, still hit all the elements, and have a decent story.Quote:
Originally Posted by Mad Lews
How about I file this one and try writting a new tale. I will have to say that short stories are not my forte but I'll give it the old college try.
ER
ps-BTW, the creature revealed her supernatural powers in the next segment--she's pyrokinetic.
OK no need to file and start over, This can work I'm quite sure. I'm not telling you this is the way you should write your story, this is just an exercise, but you may find it useful in pacing a tale.Quote:
Originally Posted by Euryleia
Here's what I'm asking for.
First take a walk through the story, vignette if you wish, that you've posted here. Fix in your mind a one or two sentence synopsis of the story.
You've spent 4,500 words expressing this, and done a fine job I might add.
Think it over some more and break it down into the important concepts you need to communicate to the reader.
All I'm asking is for you to trim it by 1500 to 2000 words.
Ouch! I know thats gotta hurt, but humor me.
First hint would be to make the action scenes lean and crisp, use a single best adjective instead of two or three. Drop some of that verbal flourish in favor of the kind of directness that would make Vish smile. When you describe a characteristic of someone else use the single best incident to show it rather than two or three incidents this is especially true of secondary characters. Restructure passive sentences into simpler active ones.
I'll put up some specific suggestions tomorrow.
BTW Hot footed Mistress in the next chapter? or could her slave be made into a weapon??? I'm intrigued
yours
Mad Lews
Hi Er, back again,
This isn't easy as I thought doing it to someone else's work, I'm not sure what you hold dear in the tale and what you might find superfluous. You paint very vivid pictures in your exposition but both the dialog and action scenes could be drawn tighter.
I'm trying to force that on you by giving you a word limit, use it as you see fit. sometimes a brilliant bit of allegory or a metaphor that sings needs to be set aside so the story can move along. You can always save them for another time when they are more useful.:)
So OK what have we got,
Twenty riders in the dark green and maroon uniforms of the K’San charged up the walkway to the Eastern Gate. Any unfortunate merchants and citizens on the road scattered before them like leaves on the breeze.
At the lead of the cavalry squad was a woman on a pale horse. Her constantly shifting eyes were like chips of obsidian. A stylized pair of wings bisecting a naked sword glinted in silver on her black armored chest plate. The well-worn leather holding her weapons bore mute testimony to the ease with which she dealt death.
// very pretty full blown picture but this is an action scene. We want our reader moving along at a cantor. Is it important to describe the uniform colors? well OK if you want but let's condense a bit and see what happens///
Twenty riders in the dark green and maroon uniforms of the K’San charged through the Eastern Gate. Merchants and citizens scattered before them.
Leading them,dark eyes shifting with an instinctive alertness, was a (tall/dark/ handsome/ whatever?) woman on a pale hose. Her black armored chest plate bore a stylized pair of wings bisecting a silver sword.(? bisected by a silver sword?) The well-worn leather holding her weapons bore mute testimony to the ease with which she dealt death. (‘cause Dean liked it me I could have gone with ‘the well worn leather of her weapon’s hilt bespoke …)
//next we have///
The clattering of hooves rang off the tightly packed buildings and she grinned at the alacrity with which the townspeople got out of their way. Frightening the citizenry was her second favorite activity. Leading the way to the castle’s courtyard, she dismounted in front of the large fountain that dominated that space.
The marble and copper tribute to the last great victory of the previous ruler was not designed for bathing or to water horses but that didn’t stop Vish. Her war steed followed her into the spray and lipped carefully at the water while she stuck her head beneath the water pouring from the left hand of the marble goddess.
///Again an action scene so lets say it with breathless speed///
She grinned watching the townspeople flee, heathen citizens should be frightened of her Angels.They entered the courtyard with a clatter of hooves. She dismounted before the square’s garish fountain.
It was an effigy of marble and copper. A monument, never meant for bathing watering horses. Vish didn't hesitate. Her war steed followed her into the spray and lipped carefully at the water while she stuck her head beneath the water pouring from the left hand of the marble goddess.
///See, short punchy sentences, delivering the idea with brisk efficiency. I may be exaggerating a bit here but I hope you get the idea. move it right along and don't let the reader pause.///
“Commander, the King has come to greet you.”
Vish looked up at her second in command’s words. She followed his gaze to the steep steps of the castle. “See, I told you there was no need to send a herald.”
“He seems to be offended at our unannounced arrival. I believe we have violated their customs.”
“They are heathens and apostate, Cago. Following their customs would open us up to charges of heresy.”
The florid man paled at her words. “I meant no blasphemy.”
“Of course, not.” Vish replied, clapping him on the shoulder. “That’s why you should be grateful that I am the only one who witnessed your weakness.” Grinning to herself at the ease with which she could make those around her nervous, Vish walked over to the waiting members of government.
/// Ok now in a just for instance we'll try and tighten this dialog sequence without losing any flavor///
“Commander, the King has come to greet you.”
Vish looked up, following the gaze of her second in command to the castle steps.
“See, I told you there was no need for a herald.”
“He seems offended by our unannounced arrival. We may have violated their customs.”
“They are heathens and apostate, Cago. Following their customs would be blasphemous.”
The man paled. “I meant no heresy.”
“Of course, not.” Vish replied, clapping him on the shoulder. “That’s why you should be grateful only I heard you stumble.” She grinned at the ease with which she could make him nervous, Vish strode toward the waiting monarch.
I hope this helps explain what I mean, as for the exercise try to knock what you wrote down to two or three thousand words without losing any of the stories meaning or flavor.
Best of Luck
Mad
Okay, here is it again. I shaved off 1750 words.
***
Twenty riders in dark green and maroon uniforms charged up the walkway to the Eastern Gate. Leading the cavalry squad was a dark haired woman on a pale horse. Her black armor seemed to absorb the light while the well-worn leather holding her weapons bore mute testimony to the ease with which she dealt death.
Making their way to a gothic castle looming over the city’s center, the clattering of hooves rang off the tightly packed buildings. Grinning at the alacrity with which the townspeople scattered from the rushing soldiers, Vish relished the terror her Angels inspired.
Dismounting in the castle’s courtyard, Vish kicked the dust of the road from her boots. With a cloth, she brushed her chest plate so that the engraved sword bisected by a pair of silver pair of wings glinted in the setting sun.
“Commander, the King has come to greet you.”
Vish looked up at her second in command’s words. Following his gaze, she gloated, “See, I told you there was no need to send a herald.”
“He seems offended at our unannounced arrival.”
“They are heathens, Cago. Who cares what offends them?” Vish replied, turning to face the King. His investiture had come after Vish executed his parents for sedition and impiety during her last campaign in the region and she wondered what sort of ruler that made him.
“Mistress, we are honored that you grace us with your presence,” the young king said through his clenched teeth.
“Don’t lie to me, Heto. You hate me and my army and all it represents.” She smirked, stroking her hand over the hilt of her dagger. “You could try and do something about it but we all know how well that turned out for your father.”
“May I ask why you have come? Surely, the Holy One does not require additional tribute?”
“The Angels and I have no orders regarding you or your lands.” She shrugged. “I’m here to make an offering at the Temple and sell some slaves.”
“For that you rode through my city with such unseemly haste?”
“Hardly unseemly for one of the Saved,” she chided him.
“I beg your pardon, Mistress.”
Vish smirked at the effort it took for such a proud man to apologize. Realizing that she was famished, she snidely asked, “Aren’t you going welcome me properly? Surely, even an apostate follows the rituals of hospitality?”
“Of course. I meant no disrespect.” King Heto snapped his fingers.
Immediately, uniformed serving girls stepped forward with jewel-encrusted bowls of fruits and nuts. Another carried a tray of golden goblets and was followed by a servant with a decanter of wine and a water pitcher.
Vish accepted the wine but refused the offer to water it down. Tossing back a handful of nuts, she chewed with her mouth open, knowing it would further irritate her unwilling host and his court.
Eating through the ritual wiping of her boots and the presentation of the keys to the kingdom, she wiped her sticky fingers off on her butt before handing over a commemorative coin blessed by the Supreme Apostle.
Smoothly, Heto handed off the coin to a page and asked, “How long will we be blessed with your presence?”
Vish sipped the cool liquid from her goblet, savoring the deep flavors of the aged wine. “We’ll be out of your hair in a ten day.”
“We can’t house your army for that long.”
“Don’t worry your pretty little head about it. My army will camp outside the walls and find provisions off the land.” Innocently, she added, “I understand the hunting is good in the Royal Forest.” When he began to sputter, she placed her goblet on a passing tray. “I will need accommodations, though.”
“Certainly. My staff will prepare you a suite. Will you join us for any meals?”
“No. Eating with infidels gives me gas. Arrange for something to be brought to my rooms.” Without waiting for an acknowledgement, Vish strode toward the steps, forcing the major domo to chase after her.
At daybreak, she participated in morning convocation before attending a slave auction. The flesh trade was held in a large room of a converted barn. Simple seating extended around three sides of a dirt pit. Each cobble of slaves was led around the pit before being led to a raised platform. One by one, the auctioneer made them bend and flex while extolling their particular virtues.
Shifting on a brocade cushion set upon an unvarnished plank, Vish watched two strings of her offerings come up for sale. The bidding was brisk and she smiled wolfishly at how generous this season’s tithe would be.
It might be large enough to purchase a dispensation from further service on the frontier. She dearly missed her ancestral home and her pleasure slaves. Longingly, she hoped her prayers would be answered with a posting somewhere civilized.
Her attention was brought back to the auction by a disturbance on the dais. One of the items for sale broke free of its bindings and attacked the guards. They were quickly incapacitated, including the auctioneer who rolled around in agony, his hands clutching at his ruined manhood.
The creature was the strangest thing that Vish had ever seen, exuding a striking sexuality even as it made short work of the guards. Of medium build, with prominent breasts and wide hips, the creature had pointed ears and eyes a remarkable golden color.
“What have we here?” Vish leaned forward and eyed the exotic looking creature. “Is the green natural?”
“Yes, Mistress.” The guild liaison nodded. “It is a fur covering her entire body.”
“I’ve never seen anything of its kind.” Watching closely as the creature broke the arm of one of the guards, Vish said, “I want it.”
She gave an order to one of her soldiers. Signaling three of his comrades to follow, he dropped into the pit. Vish kept a close eye on the slave as her soldiers advanced. The creature screamed incomprehensible curses but the invective did not slow the approach of the Angels of God.
While two of the soldiers began a slow accent of either side of the platform, the third stood at the front and drew his sword. The fourth soldier moved to the back of the platform and uncoiled a rope. Forming a loop, he swung the lasso over his head. The slave never realized that her danger was not from the menacing men but from the circling rope.
After the recalcitrant slave was subdued, the owner of the auction house scurried across the pit. “Mistress, I appreciate what your men did. That creature has been a handful since I bought it.”
“Tell me what you know about it.”
“She was captured up near the snow line of the highest peaks of the north.”
“Does she speak or understand our language?”
“I’ve only heard gibberish.”
“Give her to me.”
“What? For free?”
“You’re getting a commission on the flesh I brought you.” Vish’s eyes were hypnotic black pools. “That should be enough.”
“But, Mistress, her sale could bring in thousands.”
“Or I could release her and she could kill you.” She saw his shoulders slump as he made his decision. “I’m glad we could work things out.”
The merchant’s bow was insolently short. “It is always a pleasure to do business with Angels.”
Standing up, Vish signaled to her soldiers. One lifted the bound slave and tossed her over a broad shoulder. The creature’s struggles were nothing to the well-armored warrior as the small group returned to the castle.
“Show me the dungeon,” Vish demanded upon her return to the castle with her prize. “I need a place to train my new slave.”
King Heto snapped his fingers for the Sergeant at Arms. “You have full access. May you find all you need.”
Following the King’s man down the spiral staircase, Vish wrinkled her nose at the signs of disuse. Peering into cells that reeked of mold, she decided to use the primary torture chamber. That room was well lit and contained all the necessary restraints that she might need.
Forcing the creature to her knees, her soldiers connected a short chain from the collar around her neck to an iron bolt sunk into the floor.
Ordering a meal to be brought, Vish sat down on the throne that dominated the room. Wiggling around to get comfortable on the carved granite, she watched the creature test the strength of her bonds. Fur covered muscles strained impotently until the beast tired and glared in her direction.
Once the creature visibly calmed, she stalked across the room. “Since you have not been saved, your soul is lost. I can do anything to you that I wish.” Punctuating her comment with a right hook that rocked the slave, she curled her lip when the creature spat a mouthful of blood.
“Starting tonight, you will learn that everything you get comes from me.” Vish walked over to the table to enjoy her excellent meal. Smacking her lips, she grinned at the look of longing in the golden eyes. “I wonder when you last ate?” she mused.
Finishing what she could and deliberately leaving food on the plates, Vish wiped her mouth on the linen napkin before pushing back from the table. Blowing out the lanterns, she headed up the steps to her rooms. “No-one is to enter the dungeon,” she commanded the pair of soldiers posted at the end of the passage.
Waking refreshed the next morning, she immediately went down to check on her newest acquisition. About to nudge the creature awake, she saw the golden eyes were opened and watching her. “Good,” she said. “You’re ready for the first test.”
Vish poured a handful of water into her palm held down near the slave’s chin. When the creature growled and kept her eyes focused on the far wall, Vish just grinned and turned her hand over, letting the water trickle to the ground. “We’ll try again at noon.”
Leaving the chamber, Vish walked to the Temple. Taking a ritual bath before entering the sacristy, Vish prostrated herself before the altar to commune with the One True God for several hours.
Rising, she returned to the castle and ordered a large lunch to be brought down to the dungeon. Entering the torture chamber, she saw the slave the very picture of misery with even her pointy ears drooping.
Repeating her earlier attempt, Vish poured water into her palm and held her hand close to the slave’s mouth. Green fur ruffling, the slave leaned forward and lapped at the liquid.
“Very good.” Vish continued to fill her palm until the slave had enough.
With the remaining water, she cleaned the slave’s face and head, ignoring the flinching and trembling beneath her fingers. The fur was soft and she marveled at the texture.
“I don’t understand why you want that thing.” Her second in command stated as he set the tray down on the table. Cago could not conceal the look of revulsion on his face.
“What’s your problem?”
“Look at her!”
“What? Her flesh matches the colors that we wear for His Holiness.”
“She is a beast.”
“She looks human enough.”
“She is Unclean.”
“Its not like I’ll be eating her.” Vish grinned. “I intend to train her to eat me.”
“Lying with beasts is a sin.”
“True.” Vish filled her bowl with the choicest morsels. Popping a piece of meat into her mouth, she chewed thoughtfully. “You could resume your former position.”
“Mistress, please, don't joke about that.”
“I never joke about my conquests.” Wiping her mouth, she said, “You don’t seem pleased with the prospect.”
“I only recently recovered from our last joining.”
“I don’t recall you complaining at the time.”
“It was an experience that I will never forget.”
“Surely it was not all bad.”
“Of course not.” Cago tugged at his collar. “It was an honor, Mistress, that I no longer feel worthy of.”
“Don’t worry, Cago, once I train this thing, you will be safe from a return engagement.”
“Thank you, Mistress.” Clearing his throat, Cago asked. “Why are we down here and not in your bed chamber?”
“Contrary to popular opinion, it isn’t all about sex.” Tearing off a hunk of bread with her teeth, Vish mumbled, “She must be tamed.”
“Just beat her until she is broken and be done with it.”
“I don’t want to break her. I want her obedience without killing her spirit.” Winking at Cago, Vish said, “Sort of like the way I enslaved you.”
“Excuse me? I am not a slave.”
“Of course you were. Your body responds even now to my commands.” Vish allowed her eyes to prowl over Cago’s face, over his chest, and down his torso, before they moved back up his body again.
Shifting nervously, the big man croaked, “Nonsense.”
“It is the simple truth. I used your mind to make your body mine.”
“I am not a slave!” he repeated.
“There is no shame in it. You should be proud to belong to me.” She stood next to him and smiled when he trembled. “I used your desires and needs to make you burn to serve.” Leaning close, she watched his nostrils flare and his eyes darken. “In the same manner, I will train her.”
Shaking his head, Cago backed away from her. “How so? She doesn’t even speak a civilized tongue.”
“I don’t want her for conversation,” replied Vish with a leer. “I’m going to start by teaching her that I am the source of all bounty.”
“How are you going to do that?”
“You might say she is hungry for a little lesson.”
“Tell me what to do.”
“Don’t I always?” Vish answered. Picking up a bowl of meat, she moved to stand directly in front of the bound slave.
“You will eat nothing that you do not receive directly from my own hand, or with my permission. You will not ask to be fed, nor make any attempts to remind me to feed you. You will wait quietly until I feed you or you will do without. Here,” Vish held up a dripping morsel of lamb.
Waiting until the slave dipped her head slightly, Vish extended her arm. Avidly, she watched as the slave used her tongue to gingerly draw the meat from between her fingers.
Feeding her a few more pieces, Vish then waved Cago over. “Grab another bowl and offer the contents to her.”
When the slave made a move to take the food from his fingers, Vish struck out with her heavy boot. The slave landed hard on her side and lay wheezing on the stone floor.
“Get up.” Vish glared at the slave until the creature had dragged herself back to her knees. “Offer her another.”
Obeying her order, Cago held out a chunk of meat. The slave kept her eyes on Vish. “Very good.” When Vish proffered another morsel, the slave barely hesitated before taking the piece into her mouth.
“You’re a fast learner,” praised Vish. “You may not starve after all.” She tossed some meat on the floor. When the slave reached out, Vish stomped down hard.
Snarling, the slave cradled the injured limb against her chest. Vish tapped her toe on the ground. “No hands.”
Suddenly, the creature lunged forward and bit down Vish’s ankle with razor sharp teeth. Cursing, Vish shook her leg to break the vicious grip on her flesh. After several blows from Cago, the creature finally loosened her jaw and knelt, licking Vish’s blood from her lips.
“Kill it.”
“Its suffering won’t end so quickly.” Vish limped over and pulled down a single tail whip. Brandishing the whip, Vish ordered, “String her up.”
Vish splashed some unwatered wine over the bite wound. Through pain narrowed eyes she watched Cago drag the slave across the floor to shackles attached to a chain that led to a pulley and a winch.
“Take up the slack,” she demanded. “I want her elbows even with her pointy ears.”
Unfurling the whip, Vish cracked it once to test the limberness. The noise echoed loudly in the stone chamber. “Fifty strokes for the first offense,” Vish decreed, bringing back her arm.
Thanks for humoring me, I think for the most part it looks better with the shave. If it were me and I was planning to post it, I'd do a little more work on the opening, first three paragraphs maybe. After that you seemed to get into it.Quote:
Originally Posted by Euryleia
Dean will no doubt fume over an extra and here or there. You use them in lieu of commas and for joining independent phrases that could easily be two sentences. A quick rule of thumb, if a sentence has two, or goddess forbid, more ands a little red editing flag should pop up. same again for also.
other minor nits, I think you meant a coffle,not cobble of slaves. and the word alacrity while a wonderful word seems out of place in the second paragraph.
Your opening is good, you grab the reader by the senses with the visual of galloping calvary troop, the sound of clattering hooves, the sight of hapless civilians scattering before the conquerers.All very good;but this is the hook that pulls the reader in so you want the barb sharp and the curve smooth.
I did read through the rest, it seemed to me the dialog was getting sharper with the edit. Only a couple things stood out. Your writing style uses a lot of long compound sentences. That's a choice you make but be aware of it. sometimes you can be clearer with two simpler sentences. Dean will tear his hair out,what little is left, over the ands,and alsos but I suspect you rather enjoy watching that. I mentioned the coffle thing and just before that 'the flesh trade was held' seemed a tad awkward, since you ended the previous sentence with 'slave auction' maybe a simple 'the sales were held in'. Sometimes a simple understatement has more impact.Quote:
Originally Posted by Euryleia
When you were exploring the relationship of Cago and Vish, the conversation swings from present to past tense then back again, it may be that he's confused about his present status, Vish seems to imply that he was a slave and is now a servant/slave but that he hasn't changed too much in her eyes. All that may need further exploration later in the story. I'd love to see the entire story when its finished.
Ready for something new or do you want to keep working on this?
Yours
Mad Lews
Okay, I saw this the other day and began reading it. I am not going to nit pick this redoux and pick out the overuse of conjunctions this time. Instead, I will offer that I agree with Mad on the shave. I thought that your modifications were quite good and that they aided in the flow of your tale. Furthermore, the reduction of the "and"s was quite helpful to the tale and, with few exceptions, I have nothing to complain about. Besides, Mad hit you over the head with his limp cudgel already.
I recommend moving onward to something other than this tale - or this portion of the tale. We don't want it to sterilize it and make it as docile as Lews. Maybe you could give us another chapter or Mad could give you some new torture. Either way, this was a quality read and I am looking forward to finding an artery with your next offering.
Dean
Thanks, Mad Lews, for the read through and suggestions (yes, coffle is the correct word-oops!). You’re very right that I do love my compound phrases. I’ll keep my eye on that in the future but, since it is part of my charm, I won’t eradicate it entirely (besides, sending Dean into spasms is too much fun :cool:). I can also see what you mean about how changing the pacing and trimming the fat can lead to a very exciting short story.
As far as your question goes, I’m ready to try something else.
While it was an interesting assignment, my plans for the piece aren't to go for lean and mean. When reading this out loud, I lost my breath because the pacing was so fast and, to my mind, too much was left out. For example, illustrating Vish’s utter disregard for infidels would go a long way to understanding many of details you and Dean have questioned (the ride through the city, her treatment of Heto and Cago’s apparent dualism).
In fact, I've outlined it into novel form and see it around ten chapters, with parts of this assignment being expanded into at least three of them:
I. The arrival into the city and the introduction of Vish, Cago, Heto
II. The slave auction, a hinting of the religious war and more of Vish's casual cruelty
III. Training the slave with in depth description of the torture chamber and Cago's role.
IV. Sex training for the slave and the fires that start when she's aroused beyond reason.
V. Army on the move. Every time slave climaxes or gets aroused, there are more fires. As tents burst into flame, the army is rife with rumors of sabotage and the supernatural.
VI. Vish's discovery of the slave's ability and her decision to keep that knowledge to herself.
VII. Hurricane like storm. Slave's pyrokinetic ability saves day but leads to charges of witchcraft from the generals who want Vish removed from power.
VII. Vish and slave separated from rest of army by raging river and forced to find their own way back. Slave has opportunities to escape and/or kill Vish but chooses submission over freedom.
VIII. Homecoming marred by Vish's arrest for sacrilege. She stands trial and is sentenced to death for consorting with the devil and mocking god.
IX. The slave and Cago rescue Vish from being burned alive and the threesome flees to safety.
X. Vish collars both her rescuers and they live happily ever after as Mistress/slaves
Anyhow, that’s the grand plan.
I confess that I’m intrigued by what you're going to come up with next. It is time to give me a real challenge. Hit me with your best shot! :gun:
ER
Thank you.Quote:
Originally Posted by H Dean
Bring it on!
Euryleia,
sounds like a loverly grand scheme for the lucky threesome.
I do want to point out that I'm not an advocate of Tom Clancy type books that are so fast paced the reader comes to around 3:00am having read 500 pages before remembering to breath.
What I was hoping to show was that by controlling the pace you can get the reader far enough into the story that they're hooked.
Complexities and flowing descriptions also have their place but you already know that. I'm quite serious about a peek when you have the opus drafted.
OK something new and challenging coming right up.
say first thing tomorrow?
Affectionately
Lews
Will do.Quote:
Originally Posted by Mad Lews
I will wait eagerly for the assignment.
Will do.
I will wait eagerly for the assignment.
She is so obedient! I want one!
In your dreams, Trans-Fatty boy.Quote:
Originally Posted by H Dean
Good Morning Eurylia,
Hope you have been doing those stretches, this might take some deep thought.
In many religions of old, the goddess was presented as a trio, I’m not talking the three fates but rather the triple nature of the female goddess. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triple_Goddess .
Sometimes three distinct entities represented this, sometimes it became three aspects of a single divinity. Most commonly, the triad was referred to as the maiden, (youth, growth, accumulation) the matron (nurture and comfort) and the crone (wisdom acceptance). Read up on it a little and absorb until you have your own take on the concept, then break out the quill.
What we are looking for is a story set in modern times that explores these three aspects of the feminine. The narrator may be a human affected by the goddess or a goddess intervening in human affairs. The events may be truly miraculous or simply unexpected. The goddesses portrayed need not even be divine, a mere representations of the three aspects will suffice.
Perhaps the easiest approach would be to explore the ancient myths and create a modern version. Then again, how often do you get a chance to build a myth of your very own?
When you are ready post it in a new thread as assignment #4.
Best of luck,
Mad Lews
Damn, I should careful for what I wish.
I'm off to read up on some women centered myths and think about writing my own.
That's a fucking doozy, Mad!
Mad! You are a sadist! :bondage:
However, I think you will do a fine job Euryleia. He pushes to make one a better writer.
Nikita luv,Quote:
Originally Posted by nikita
I must take up pen to defend the good name of Mad.
Yes he is a sadist at times but a very selective sadist. He only uses his sadism to enhance our dommish reputation.
This assignment was never intended to be sadistic, merely challenging, and I believe Euryliea will back Mad up on that once she emerges from the research library.
I on the other hand am sadistic for the simple joy of it.
Yours
Lews
That's one of the reasons you have a special place in my heart. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Mad Lews
The issue of selective sadism aside, my research has been fruitful. I now have to decide which of two myths to use as the foundation and to start writing. One thing I can say in favor of this assignment is that my synapses are all firing. Whether I will actually hit what I'm aiming at is another issue altogether.
Here is the motivational poster that is keeping me focused:
That beauty is loading the gatling guns of a Black Hawk Helicopter.