Quote Originally Posted by Mad Lews View Post
Hi ER,
Well I'm glad to see the assignment was so inspirational. I must confess I was looking for something a little more laconic. I guess I should have been clearer about that. I mean there's nothing wrong with taking this and running with a whole big story or even a novel if you so desire but the assignment was for something a bit tighter.

OK lets see, we have a few items we wanted to include,
a Gothic castle , check
a dungeon, hell yeah
a supernatural beast, that's a maybe
a whip, a chain and some sensual dialog, no problem

Now what I'd love to see is this reduced too a much tighter scenario, maybe not everything you've given us here but the essence. Work hard at saying and implying much with an economy of words.

I'm not saying this is the way to write, it's a way to write, it's important when you are pacing a story to move things along at some points in the tale. That way when you do linger the reader sees the difference and knows the detail is important.

You are very good at rich almost languid detail, that has its place. You also need to pace; minor characters (the auctioneer for intense) should be described minimally and only for how they impact the main characters. More complex secondary characters need to be explained in a more consistent and concise manner (the boy king, her second in command etc.)

Think it over for a day or so, get Deans input (Whoops I guess you just got that ) and let me do some crunching then tackle it again. Map out what you want to get done, grand entrance, cowering vassle king, buy an (unnatural?)slave, start training. then think about what your main character needs to do to get from point A to point D. Then it's just a matter of walking her through it, though in Vish's case she might lead you through it instead.

Anyway, I must say I like what you wrote, I would love to read the rest of the story, and I hate to distract you with this kind of route assignment but...

I'll go over it tonight or tomorrow, try and come up with some suggested techniques, and I hope you realize this assignment need not be part of the story it's inspired. Your story may well work better the way you've presented it. So just for practice and because you can do it.

Once more into the breech, two to three thousand words please.

Yours
Mad Lews
I'm not sure that I completely understand what you're asking for--do you want a story or just a vignette with the elements? I'm not even sure that I have the faintest idea how to tighten this up, still hit all the elements, and have a decent story.

How about I file this one and try writting a new tale. I will have to say that short stories are not my forte but I'll give it the old college try.

ER
ps-BTW, the creature revealed her supernatural powers in the next segment--she's pyrokinetic.