Dominance in Life vs. Dominance in Relationships

Recently, in another thread, "I need advice on strict Christian Parents", I advised a young woman (procalimed to be 19 years old) who was having trouble while living at home with her parents, and whose "Dom" was uncomfortable being around her parents, that he could not be a Dom and also be insecure in such situations.


I said: "One thing does strkes me oddly, though. How can your man be your Dom, yet he is uneasy around your parents? A person who claims to be a Dom/Domme should not feel uneasy or uncertain in any situation. It sounds as though you're both very young and inexperienced. I don't mean to sound condescending. I also was very young once and had little experience (in fact, at your age, I knew nothing about BDSM). I am not suggesting that your Dom should stand up and proclaim his status to your 'rents, but he should at least do his best to ensure that he is not complicating your life while you are under their control.

A response was: "Huh? I don't want to be rude but this statement is a bit too much for me. A Dom(me) is only human too with his/her insecurities. Parents in law are a big thing, and whether your a Dom or not, it's never easy to meet them, especially when they are known to be difficult about a relationship. I would rather see my Dom's insecurities than him owning/claiming every situation. Better yet the ones I did go out with (including my ex husband) who were "in control" were selfcentric bastards and didn't give a sh*t about the world. No I would rather have a Dom that has his insecurities, that makes him human to me. Domming the world and Domming me is a total different thing."

I have been dominant in every aspect of my life, except for my present personal (marital) relationship for 10 years and I am not ashamed to say that she has been in control (without the BDSM aspect) for most all of our marriage. About two years ago, she, now my slave, began suggesting that I take control of her/Us.

The aforementioned argument perplexes me. I am naturally dominant in life (I am paid to supervise subordinates, and my profession demands authority), but I am not naturally dominant in my relationship. Dominance in my relationship has and always will require a lot of effort!

My questions to the Dom/mes out there are:

1. Is it possible to be domminant in a relationship, but not in life?

2. If you are dominant in all aspects of your life, are you automatically an asshole?

3. If you are "in control", do you feel that you are able to do this without being a "selfcentric bastard that doesn't give a sh*t about the world."? (I feel that I have found a comfortable balance!)

4. Is meeting the parents an example of a situation in which the Dom/me should be insecure? (I think that this, in comparison to other life complications, should be very simple.)

5. If you, as a Dom/me, can't handle such a simple act as meeting and dealing with the parents, how the hell can you expect your sub/slave to respect your authority, or trust you with her/his safekeeping in your play/discipline?

6. Am I wrong? It happens occasionally! :)

I am not going to answer each of your questions, but I will say this about the general principle of the matter:

There are people who dominate (and do it well, leaving wannabes out of this conversation), and there are dominant people. The former are dominators, the latter are dominants.

If you dominate your partner as a matter of sexual play (or as a technique in living, for that matter), then that's one thing.

If you are a dominant person, then you are always a dominant person, just as much as if you have blue eyes in the bedroom, you have blue eyes on the street.

A dominant does tend to be in control a great deal of the time. Remember, however, that a person truly in control of themselves then is able to, and should, determine HOW to behave in various situations. A dominant does not always need to dominate.

This is not a topic I have much RL knowledge of but one question I can answer is the arsehole one... I do not beleive it is essential for a Dom to always be an arsehole in life. I think this perception is based on an alpha male stereotype of what a 'dominant male' acts like and is largely false - loud, rude (well, blunt anyway) and physically powerful. In other words, an arse. Now, I do not see anything wrong with those traits in moderation but it is when they are to extremes that they become a problem socially. It turns from 'dominance' to 'bullying' and there is a fine line between the two which is very easy to cross.

Now, I do not think that this stereotype is the only one a Dom can follow. You can be dominant and quiet - simply taking control of a situation without necessarily shouting about it just by appearing to be someone who knows what they are doing and able to handle any situation. Teachers do it all the time and it is largely considered that if you have to shout to control a class you have lost control. The best teachers can control a class through silence, merely their presence in the room is enough to instill a reaction.

I had a look at that thread & couldn't really work out what was going on- it's one thing to sit down & talk to someone about their problems, & another to do a 'Dear Abby' from a couple of meandering paragraphs.

I think we all spend far too much time talking about/thinking about what a 'Dom' is or isn't. A Dom is nothing but a guy who can dominate a sub. Some can dominate more than one, & some think they could dominate anyone :32:

Speaking purely for myself- I'm pretty confident in everday life, more in some areas than others. Whether I'm overbearing is something I'll let others decide. :rolleyes:

I know where you're coming from in question 2. You don't have to look far to find so-called Doms fighting about who's top dog, & refusing to accept that they're not perfect. Every D/s board I've ever been on has a few.

All I can say is the day you think you're perfect, you stop growing.

I don't think it's appropriate to comment on that other thread.

I'm still fairly new to BDSM and generally use this site to read and learn from but I the questions posed were very interesting and I do apologize for my long rambling replies.

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Originally Posted by Mr.FixIt

1. Is it possible to be dominant in a relationship, but not in life?

5. If you, as a Dom/me, can't handle such a simple act as meeting and dealing with the parents, how the hell can you expect your sub/slave to respect your authority, or trust you with her/his safekeeping in your play/discipline?

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I think it is entirely possible. Generally, it does seem that there are certain characteristics that many people who are dominate in relationships also carry in their every day life. They tend more confident, sometimes more dominating or take charge in their work-life then their peers. But I don't think that these apply to all. In my opinion, a Dom is someone who in relationship is able to inspire confidence and trust in a sub so he/she feels comfortable enough submitting and is a person who has enough confidence in himself to Dominant that individual. I don't think that just because someone is able to do this in a relationship means that they can necessarily replicate it in their everyday life with people whom they don't share the connection with. I do believe that by being a Dom in a relationship and having the ability to Dom helps develop the confidence and demeanor of the person but that development takes time and experience.

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2. If you are dominant in all aspects of your life, are you automatically an asshole?

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My initial answer is No. The only reason I can think of that would make a person who dominant in His/Her life be an asshole is if they were unable to compromise or consider other opinions because to be in charge they must always be right or if the way in which they present themselves is off putting because they see themselves as better then their peers.

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4. Is meeting the parents an example of a situation in which the Dom/me should be insecure? (I think that this, in comparison to other life complications, should be very simple.)

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I do believe that Tojo is correct in that it is not appropriate to comment on the other thread. So, I will try to keep my answer general. Meeting your significant others parents can be an extremely difficult thing to do. I remember wanting to make the best impression on my Boyfriends parents when I first met them. It may have been because I lacked confidence but I tend to think it was more that I wanted them to like me. Maybe it is because I am still young, but parents of younger individuals still hold a deal of control over their child's life. If they don't like you for whatever reason: you drink, are immoral (in their eyes), too old, too poor, your corrupting their child, whatever it will become extremely difficult for you to continue to have a relationship with that individual and their parents dislike will effect the relationship.

Being insecure in this situation is understandable, Wouldn't you be uneasy if you were in a relationship in which the parents of the individual you were dating, the parents who still control a great deal of their life, out right disliked or even hated you?

Being uncomfortable around Christian people is totally normal. So am I. And I consider myself very much a dom.

Being insecure in a situation you are unfamiliar in doesn't make you less of a Dominant.

Consider a new job, would you be confident in yourself and the situation, or would you take the getting acquainted with the situation phase with a bit of insecurity on how to proceed? Now about the guy backing off being her Dom because he felt insecure around the parents seems peculiar to me. I wouldn't say he isn't dominant, but I would want to meet this person and make my own assessment, rather than a 'bobby's sister's boyfriend's cousin' told me blah blah assumption.

I do consider myself dominant, and I do have insecurities. Everyone does. Everyone has a phobia, everyone works on or worries about their own self confidence.

Something I missed on my previous post is that I'm sure not confident & in control in every situation- I can't believe anyone is.

Good posts Tom & ID! :D

My response was the whole thing that started this topic I guess lol

I have one thing to add.. no not everybody who is a dominant person in every situation is an asshole, the ones I met absolutly were. The good Dom(me)s (in my eyes) I know are considerate, have open communication and are not afraid to show their fears AND admit they do feel small in some situations. The same goes if you turn it the other way around, a person who owns/controls every situation is not always a good Dominant. It is still a social gift imho to be a good Dom and you don't have to be social to be dominant in a (everyday) life situation.

Another thing I wanted to say is I do believe in balance. I can be very dominant in everyday situations but that does not make me a bad sub, on the contrary. I've seen managers and CEO's crawling under a Mistress watchful eye, they need to let go of that control they have in everyday life. Does that make them less of a sub? I do not think so..

Will rant on later lol

ps:

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Originally Posted by Tojo

All I can say is the day you think you're perfect, you stop growing.

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You have such a good point there, and I so agree

Perhaps the point is not *feeling* confident and in control but *seeming* confident and in control. Two very different things. Its not what you feel, as everyone feels the same in many situations, but how you deal with that feeling.

kudos to you, Mr Fixit. You've asked enough questions to keep me writing for the whole weekend.
1. Is it possible to be dominant in a relationship, but not in life?
No. You can't "be" dominant sometimes and not others. Because it is a trait. You can put ot on, like a mask or a costume, and then take it off again, though.
Dylan said: you gotta serve somebody. I think this is true.
Shakespeare said: we are merely players. This is true too.

If you have it in you to "be" dominant, it signifies a self-discipline first. I said that.

2. If you are dominant in all aspects of your life, are you automatically an asshole?
I think that if you take your self-discipline and the ability to carry social momentum to be a signal (to you) that you can and should try to control every aspect of your life...that will kill you, or at least make you very very unhappy. I was a supervisor for a number of years, in a trade, and nothing makes people act up, and deliberately thwart you like the sense that you are trying to "control" them.
I may be naive, hell I know I am, but I have learned the hard way that consensual teamwork and commitment are a lot less tiring.

Last thing: And this is with my heart on my sleeve:
When you meet a girl's parents, you have nothing to fear if you love her and you are not afraid to let them see that. If you are not sure and you try and fake it, her mother will know.
The self-control you need to take control another and let them experience something they need at your hand leaves no room for self-doubt. Same with "life." If you have doubt someone will find it and neutralize your momentum.
In some ways what I've written here is like self-help. All recipe, no stove. It takes a lifetime to get to a place where you can dominate lovingly and not from anger or hate. Ain't no book can make you a better you if you can't stand to look in the mirror.

No t"all weekend" but still too much. Sorry.

i'm afraid that some of you think that this thread is a continuance of the other thread.

The response that was quoted was one that had raised these questons. The "meeting of the parents" part is just an example...no one is asking anyone to comment on the other thread, Hisand HisOnly's situation, her boyfriend, or even the one who posted the response. The posts from that thread were only posted here to give a bit of history, explaining why/how Mr.FixIt ended up posting this thread.

Mr.FixIt has already stated that We are new to this lifestyle...i researched the lifestyle extensively (started out as a "dirty story" project). He's still trying to understand the dynamics of the BDSM lifestyle. Since He was raised in a preacher's house, there are many concepts about our culture that are foreign to Him...such as women being Dommes, or Dom/mes/Tops owning or having control over multiple subbies/slaves.

I can understand being uncomfortable around parents...Master's father makes me incredibly uncomfortable. When i met him, he looked at me like i was some urchin who came along just for him to condescend...but, for my man, i managed to get through it.

Master's father is the type who has nothing good to say about his oldest son (Mr.FixIt). He was never concerned about anything other than his family attending church. He quoted the Bible every time he told his wife, "YOU WILL SUBMIT!" His wife was attending nursing school and holding down a night job, couldn't attend church on Sunday because she had worked all night. He told her what a bad Christian she was for it. Every Sunday morning, there was a fight for the 6 people who lived in that house getting ready to go worship...and then, they would pull the car into the parking lot at the church, put on their fake smiles and pretend to be the "preacher's happy family." When Master's dad was hired to preach at a church in a nearby town, We were there (driving 36 miles every Sunday and Wednesday) to help him, because the church was dwindling in attendance. After nearly a year of Master doing all He could to help with His dad's project, Dad accused Master of trying to take over his church.

THIS is an uncomfortable situation...it's been uncomfortable for me for 12 years. Yet, i manage to handle being around this fool when it's necessary. i myself have been accused of cheating on my Husband and called a Jezebel (and you KNOW what that means) by this very man. He's told me more than once that he's praying for me (jeeeez, that's what they say when they disapprove of what you're doing...it's how they tell you that they're trying to keep you from going to Hell).

He is not around much now, thank goodness, due to the fact that Mom got tired of his crap and divorced him.

I tell you all this story to make this point...

Any person should be able to handle situations such as this, if for no other reason than for their significant other. Being uncomfortable in this situation is normal...what, do we just skip out on everything that makes us uneasy? I'd been warned about Master's father...and was very afraid to meet him, but i managed to deal with it for my Husband.

As a side note:
Tom, i guarantee, as a Christian, that you would not be uncomfortable around Master and me for more than 30 seconds. You might even think we're cool! Not all Christians are like that. Please don't place all Christians in the group with the man mentioned above...we're not all that way. We would never pray for you unless you ask for it. We would never, ever do anything to make you feel judged, or treat you as inferior because of your beliefs. Jesus Himself was a friend to many non-Christians. Some people think that because they read the Bible, been baptised, and attend church, they're an authority on everyone else's salvation...and that salvation is what EVERYONE ELSE MUST be wanting (even though they don't realize it yet), mostly because of the skeletons in their own closets. Master's father and my brother (don't even get me started!) are two examples of this. These people give the rest of us a bad name, just like BDSM has a bad rep because of irresponsible idiots and those sick bastards who use it to harm/kill others.

i would think that someone living the BDSM lifestyle would be able to understand what it's like to be judged by others in this manner..........................

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Originally Posted by mysc

My response was the whole thing that started this topic I guess lol

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:) mysc, you opened a can of worms!!

Thrasher...

Master is a supervisor, too lol!

I appreciate your post, and thanks for showing your heart to us!

This thread has a lot of interesting points that I know I have pondered more than once.

I can just say what I've been attracted to and admired is the sense of quiet self-assuredness in a man or woman.

Even feeling doubtful about a particular situation, he or she could handle himself or herself gracefully.

I used to think I wanted a superhero for a Master or Mistress, but of course it's not possible, so I've learned to reconcile (in my own head), accept the human errors and self-doubts He or She might have and realize that those things do not take away from the ability to hold me in the palm of His or Her hand.

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Originally Posted by mysc

My response was the whole thing that started this topic I guess lol

I have one thing to add.. no not everybody who is a dominant person in every situation is an asshole, the ones I met absolutly were. The good Dom(me)s (in my eyes) I know are considerate, have open communication and are not afraid to show their fears AND admit they do feel small in some situations. The same goes if you turn it the other way around, a person who owns/controls every situation is not always a good Dominant. It is still a social gift imho to be a good Dom and you don't have to be social to be dominant in a (everyday) life situation.

Another thing I wanted to say is I do believe in balance. I can be very dominant in everyday situations but that does not make me a bad sub, on the contrary. I've seen managers and CEO's crawling under a Mistress watchful eye, they need to let go of that control they have in everyday life. Does that make them less of a sub? I do not think so..

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mysc,
Yes, your response did spark this thread, but only in the sense that you raised personal questions for me. That's a good thing! As Tojo said (and I agree) "All I can say is the day you think you're perfect, you stop growing". You made me think, that's all. I did not post this thread to bust you out, nor to make a spectacle of the couple int the other thread that I referenced. It's just that the other thread caused me to question my own place in life. Shouldn't we always question ourselves and our positions in life? The quotes that I listed were only intended for use as examples, and I did not intend to raise widespread public scrutiny of the other thread--that's why I posed my questions in another thread and forum! My questions were ligitimate personal inquiries and I am seriously interested in learning from the feedback of other Dom/mes.

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Originally Posted by stripedangel

Master's father is the type who has nothing good to say about his oldest son (Mr.FixIt). He was never concerned about anything other than his family attending church. He quoted the Bible every time he told his wife, "YOU WILL SUBMIT!" His wife was attending nursing school and holding down a night job, couldn't attend church on Sunday because she had worked all night. He told her what a bad Christian she was for it. Every Sunday morning, there was a fight for the 6 people who lived in that house getting ready to go worship...and then, they would pull the car into the parking lot at the church, put on their fake smiles and pretend to be the "preacher's happy family." When Master's dad was hired to preach at a church in a nearby town, We were there (driving 36 miles every Sunday and Wednesday) to help him, because the church was dwindling in attendance. After nearly a year of Master doing all He could to help with His dad's project, Dad accused Master of trying to take over his church.

THIS is an uncomfortable situation...it's been uncomfortable for me for 12 years. Yet, i manage to handle being around this fool when it's necessary. i myself have been accused of cheating on my Husband and called a Jezebel (and you KNOW what that means) by this very man. He's told me more than once that he's praying for me (jeeeez, that's what they say when they disapprove of what you're doing...it's how they tell you that they're trying to keep you from going to Hell).

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OMG! You all know a lot about me now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I ain't skeeeeered! But stripey's pushin'!

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Originally Posted by IDCrewDawg

Being insecure in a situation you are unfamiliar in doesn't make you less of a Dominant.

Consider a new job, would you be confident in yourself and the situation, or would you take the getting acquainted with the situation phase with a bit of insecurity on how to proceed? Now about the guy backing off being her Dom because he felt insecure around the parents seems peculiar to me. I wouldn't say he isn't dominant, but I would want to meet this person and make my own assessment, rather than a 'bobby's sister's boyfriend's cousin' told me blah blah assumption.

I do consider myself dominant, and I do have insecurities. Everyone does. Everyone has a phobia, everyone works on or worries about their own self confidence.

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Yes, I also have insecurities and did not mean to insinuate that I did not. I am insecure about mice and lizards! Show me one and I will leave the fucking room!

Internet sucks sometimes. I've written the same post twice. Fuck it...! What I wanted to say is that there's a difference between being dominant and domineering.

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Originally Posted by TomOfSweden

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What I wanted to say is that there's a difference between being dominant and domineering.

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Exactly!!!

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Originally Posted by TomOfSweden

Internet sucks sometimes. I've written the same post twice. Fuck it...! What I wanted to say is that there's a difference between being dominant and domineering.

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Good point!

LOL i had the same problem yesterday...wrote a whole response, hit "post reply," and ended up with a message that IE could not display the page!!!:1850: :dunno: :freakout: