When is fantasy better left fantasy?

You know those brilliant, deep, dark thoughts that can have you achieving an awesome release in no time at all type fantasies.

Because some of them are very deep and dark, once finished climaxing you feel bad at having even thought them. Is that a sign that it's better left fantasy? No, I'm not talking anything so dark it's illegal type stuff - just whatever fantasy it is for you that makes you feel deeply shameful after the release.

Is it a sign or is it just you aren't comfortable enough with it to make it a reality?

For some it could simply be being called "slut" while in the throws of passion, for others it could be fantasizing about a full-blown gang-bang - either way, when it leaves you feeling shame after, what is that?

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Originally Posted by mastersgem

I'm not talking anything so dark it's illegal type stuff.....

.....or is it just you aren't comfortable enough with it to make it a reality?

when it leaves you feeling shame after, what is that?

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Smiles....after a lil creative editing, i think i found at least one answer...that imagination is just that, imagination...you can experiment within the comfort of your own brain. if you feel shame, it's yours, and yours alone, and you don't have to share.

All of my Lifestyle activities have been online. Within my own imagination, i've explored on my own, and the exploration has allowed me to find and set my limitations....i know what i can do now, and what i DON'T think i can do...my limitations include things like scat...i'd thought about it, but when confronted with it mentally, within a fantasy, i shut down cold. And so now i know...i won't go there.

"When it leaves you feeling shame after, what is that?"....it seems it me, the shame is within your mind, your conscience, setting your limits...

I think anything that will leave permanent mental, physical or emotional damage is better left to fantasy. Where this line is drawn will be different for everyone.

I don't know if shame is necessarily a good indicator. After coming down I can feel shameful about how wanton and needy I was, but I don't think it means it was bad.

And it is good to remember that when it comes to permanent damage it is not just our own (or our partners') we have to worry about. If you have family members, children, or innocent bistanders, we need to consider them as well.

i cant say that i have any shame over anything i fantasise about, for a little while i was a bit nervous to openly admit to Icehawk about ageplaying in sex which id fantasised about for quite a while but thats because i wasnt sure of his reaction and not out of any shame though he'd guessed anyway, im not comfortable mixing other types of play in with that but if even if i did start to fantasise about that then im 100% certain i wouldnt feel ashamed and would be happy to bring it from fantasy to reality.

ive never been ashamed of any fantasys ive had, confused as to why i might fantasise about some things lol
i cant really see why there needs to be any shame although i know that some people do feel it and i think thats sad, in fantasy you should be able to let your imagination run wild and enjoy it in whatever shape it takes its the one place we have thats free!

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Originally Posted by lily27

...I don't know if shame is necessarily a good indicator. After coming down I can feel shameful about how wanton and needy I was, but I don't think it means it was bad...

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That's what I'm wondering about lily, if it's not bad then why the shame? And yes, I was thinking that it might be an idication of being bad?

Could be just what we've socially been programmed to and getting past ;)

Truly I'm not far enough along to know yet I think.

I belong to another (non-BDSM) forum where someone brought up the topic of women's fantasies. Because he was going strictly by his own wife, he was convinced that either we women don't have fantasies or they are all of the "romance, roses, moonlight and knight in shining armor" type fantasies. He had no idea that we women have actual sexual fantasies that have nothing to do with love or romance. When I told him my most treasured fantasy and the fact that I've had it since I was a teenager (which is a different fantasy from the one I posted here on the "What's Your #1 Fantasy" thread here) and all he could say was, "WOW! I never knew women could have fantasies like that!" Then he wanted to know what porn movie I'd watched to come up with it. Excuse me, but I've had this particular fantasy since I was about 12 or so. I didn't see my first porn film until I was almost 30. I AM capable of using my own imagination!

I've never been ashamed of any of my fantasies. However, I don't know if I'd really want them to become reality. For one thing, from what I've heard from other people, fantasies and real life don't always match up and a lot of times when you finally live the fantasy it's a bust. And I worry that my fantasies would be downright dangerous in real life. And I also worry that they would somehow threaten my relationship with my Master should W/we choose to have them become reality.

So I think that I would rather keep my fantasies as strictly fantasies.

i used to be terribly ashamed of my fantasies until i discovered online, three years ago..before that time, although i would fantasize, i also thought i was sick and it was a sin..

i don't think that anymore..my fantasies are what get me off..and they are dark..i wouldn't dare tell hubby as he would definitely think they were sinful..

Of course it is something programmed into us. "Nice girls don't ____________ ." Fill it in with whatever you want.

lol i was going to say that in my op but then i realised it didnt apply to me...whenever my mum gave me the 'nice girls dont do that' lectures i knew it must be something petty damn good and i just went ahead and did it lol

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Originally Posted by icey

lol i was going to say that in my op but then i realised it didnt apply to me...whenever my mum gave me the 'nice girls dont do that' lectures i knew it must be something pretty damn good and i just went ahead and did it lol

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Very good point. And what mothers sometimes don't understand (for both sons and daughters), you need the space to make your own mistakes and learn from those, without having those mistakes (or points when it nearly went wrong) flung in your face by Mom over and over years later. The idea that things are only worth doing if you do them perfectly right the first time is destructive.

Seems to me it's something for the individual to decide the 'how far to go' question- the answers can vary from time to time, depending on where you're at & how um.... excited you are in the moment :icon176:

As for the shame, well you'd have to be pretty good to look past all the voices saying 'It's wrong' 'Sex is dirty' etc etc.

How many of us were caught masturbating by Mum or Dad & had them say 'Sorry to disturb you, I'll knock next time?'

I'll bet if I'd told my parents my fantasies about tying my PE teacher to the hockey goal posts they'd have been less than encouraging....

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Originally Posted by Tojo

I'll bet if I'd told my parents my fantasies about tying my PE teacher to the hockey goal posts they'd have been less than encouraging....

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LMAO...ROFL :D

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Originally Posted by Tojo

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How many of us were caught masturbating by Mum or Dad & had them say 'Sorry to disturb you, I'll knock next time?'

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lol quite a few times! but mostly when experimenting with other kids, and was told i was a 'slag' which sounds awful relating it but my mum was never nasty and never name called me before, she's a bit of a prude and was probably shocked and worried ..she'd caught me in bed naked covered in vicks with my 8 yr old 'b/friend' lol i was 8 too! and would grow up a 'dirty lesbian' (that was when she caught me simulating sex with another girl in my dads car aound the same age lol)

tbh being caught and getting in trouble always gave me a thrill! maybe thats why i dont feel ashamed of any fantasys i have,and am happy and enjoy bringing them into reality except the ones which wouldnt be physically or practically possible or would leave me for dead lol id been caught out many times and other than a few telling offs and punishments there were no real consequences maybe i took it in my mind to mean that it wasnt bad dirty or wrong...just a thought.

I think the more important question than "when is a fantasy too much for reality" is why do you feel shame at your fantasies? What about them is shameful to you, and why do you accept that that aspect of them is wrong?

You touched on the core issue with your comment about "social programming," and "getting past it." Once you've determined what it is about your fantasies that's making you feel shame, then you can examine your premises and decide whether that shame is a valid feeling or not based on your values. If it isn't, then you'd have to work at changing yourself to reject those premises you've accepted in the past that are leading you to feel shame.

Now, all that being said, is it the shame that attracts you to the fantasy in the first place? Do you enter it knowing that when you're done, you'll feel shame? If so, then that's a different matter entirely. Perhaps once you stopped feeling shame for the fantasy, you'd not find it as enjoyable.

Fantasies that can hurt people should be left alone.

Should fantasies remain just that:fantasy??

I remember asking my then gf what hers were and she would never tell because she was ashamed. I finally got out of her that she wanted to be tied up and screwed.

I set it up one night and she loved it - it was a complete release for her and since she has been telling me when they come to her - some acted on and some not.

Are any of these dark, twisted and shameful? No
She has had an incredible release in her sexualilty where as if she had not released her fantasies verbally, she would still be bottled up.

When is fantasy better left fantasy? When its unlikely that you will avoid imprisonment if you go through with your plans.

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Originally Posted by Virulent

When is fantasy better left fantasy? When its unlikely that you will avoid imprisonment if you go through with your plans.

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*ss* How very succinct and absolutely spot on true!

I think "Fantasy is better left fantasy" when it is something that could harm yourself, someone you Love, or destroy something you value or that is important to you.

RespectfullySidheWolf

lol ok I totally get the whole legal vs illegal argument and the 'if it hurts someone' theory - not one of my fantasies are nearly that dark or that illegal - I'm just saying, some fantasies fuel your fire so hard, get you there in lightening speed but once you've had an orgasm, it's like hitting sub-drop; shame, guilt, remorse at having thought those things.

Now, "those things" can be any level for anyone (nothing illegal or hurtful to anyone), it's the end result (shame) that had me asking whether that may just be a sign to tell you never to act on that particular fantasy is all.

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Originally Posted by mastersgem

lol ok I totally get the whole legal vs illegal argument and the 'if it hurts someone' theory - not one of my fantasies are nearly that dark or that illegal - I'm just saying, some fantasies fuel your fire so hard, get you there in lightening speed but once you've had an orgasm, it's like hitting sub-drop; shame, guilt, remorse at having thought those things.

Now, "those things" can be any level for anyone (nothing illegal or hurtful to anyone), it's the end result (shame) that had me asking whether that may just be a sign to tell you never to act on that particular fantasy is all.

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I haven't really personally experienced anything like that in feelings re; a fantasy. A fantasy being what it is. But some others I do know have. Seems overall feelings like this have to do with upbringing and others expectations of a person that become ingrained in their own heads for some reason. As you say "those things can be any level for anyone". Or any type. What is perfectly normal or regular things *for me* may not be for someone else. These things I think are for the most part ones perception of them?

Respectfully~SidheWolf

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Originally Posted by mastersgem

lol ok I totally get the whole legal vs illegal argument and the 'if it hurts someone' theory - not one of my fantasies are nearly that dark or that illegal - I'm just saying, some fantasies fuel your fire so hard, get you there in lightening speed but once you've had an orgasm, it's like hitting sub-drop; shame, guilt, remorse at having thought those things.

Now, "those things" can be any level for anyone (nothing illegal or hurtful to anyone), it's the end result (shame) that had me asking whether that may just be a sign to tell you never to act on that particular fantasy is all.

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It may be that the fantasy itself is a bit much for reality. But here's what I do with those fantasies that are a little too much...I look at them for common threads and things that can be done in reality. For example, if I have a couple of particularly intense fantasies involving extreme humiliation, I can recognize that humiliation is a turn-on for me, and when the opportunity to gently begin exploring that in reality appears, I'm ready to see what happens. I've gained some self-knowledge, and with a willing partner can explore that particular desire safely.

As for the shame - I'm with others on that. Societal programming can do a number on us.

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Originally Posted by jeanne

It may be that the fantasy itself is a bit much for reality. But here's what I do with those fantasies that are a little too much...I look at them for common threads and things that can be done in reality. For example, if I have a couple of particularly intense fantasies involving extreme humiliation, I can recognize that humiliation is a turn-on for me, and when the opportunity to gently begin exploring that in reality appears, I'm ready to see what happens. I've gained some self-knowledge, and with a willing partner can explore that particular desire safely.

As for the shame - I'm with others on that. Societal programming can do a number on us.

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Thank you jeanne (good to see your posts again - missed having you around hun)

I will have to figure out in my head what makes me feel like that I suppose and see if I can draw the same lines as you mention

I think I know what mastersgem means. I often fantasize about gang-bangs, they excite me a lot - but immediately afterwards, I feel a bit disgusted. Not ashamed, I just - at that moment - don´t understand why this got me going in the first place.

In daily life, it disgusts me already if another man touches my naked arm - I simply don´t want to be touched in private places by another man.
It is nothing "moral" - it´s just if I am with the right man, any other man´s touch feels wrong and is not wanted.

As I know this, I know it is best for me not to act on my fantasies of that particular sort.

However, I told hubby that if he ever had a chance to get himself cloned 5 or 6 times, I would go through with it IMMEDIATELY! *lol*