New sub dealing with new feelings of "neediness"

Hey All,

I need some advice here. I am new to this realm (and site) and I am finally figuring out what this is all about. What I have discovered has been very eye opening and grand. :) However, I am out of element here. I have a new found sense of irrational neediness (vulnerability). I could do one of two two things:
Go back to vanilla dating where I don't have these issues and just hone my skills at apologizing for the bored look on my face

Use my resources to figure out why and how to overcome this.

I have, like all of you, chosen to continue this route and tackle my issue. I personally think neediness is a VERY unattractive quality and am surprised that I have found myself feeling this way. I am reading a book on BDSM , but would love some real life experiences also. Please share with me any experience or advice you may have on this topic. Thanks!!

Good post. Yup, yup.

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Originally Posted by wonderworld

However, I am out of element here. I have a new found sense of irrational neediness (vulnerability).

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I have felt...and still feel a lot of that vulnerability. Not so much 'needy' just...excited, nervous, and scared. I think most of that vulnerable feeling (for me) is that I am afraid I will get attracted to a "dominant" that is just a total asshole (i.e. not a dominant at all) and is playing games with my head.

I've BTDT online and I am NOT looking forward to ever being hurt like that again, online or offline.

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Originally Posted by wonderworld

Go back to vanilla dating where I don't have these issues and just hone my skills at apologizing for the bored look on my face

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Haha, that sounds exactly like me!

Honestly, I don't even like dating. I try to avoid it. Every time I casually meet a guy I find attractive he opens his mouth and spoils it. I give up on it quickly. I just don't see the point in dating someone I am not 100% attracted to, leading him on and making myself sad, so I rarely do it. And on those rare times when I am in-between how I feel about the guy the first date cuts it and I realize it's never going to go anywhere because even though he may be cute, he doesn't do it for me.

But maybe I don't have enough patience and 'it' won't just jump out at me within the first 20 minutes.

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Originally Posted by wonderworld

I have, like all of you, chosen to continue this route and tackle my issue. I personally think neediness is a VERY unattractive quality and am surprised that I have found myself feeling this way.

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*Nods.* I got interested in some BDSM and D/s subjects a few years ago and gave up after about a year...then I came back. I'm not sure the kind of man I am looking for I will find within this lifestyle, but I think I might be closer that the...straight "vanilla" guys. I am just so tired of them always wanting me to run the show because they think that it is what women want. It really depresses me. (Hence why I don't like dating).

I feel the same about neediness. But then...I like being taken care of...I like someone handling me...etc, so I wonder if that is a type of neediness in itself. Perhaps it is. (When I think about neediness though, I think of a person who cannot go potty without someone holding their hand).

We all begin somewhere.

Without knowing more about your paticular situation and experience it is hard to advise.

But consider this,: the needy feeling or vulnerability you are feeling is not in fact irational at all.

If you uncomfortable feeling this way could it be becuase most of our lives we are taught that as women we are supposed to be all self sufficient and independent and never be under someone elses power?

Are we not in fact taught by society to look down upon the woman that does embrace her submissivness?

Then ask yourself which way feels right for you. The answer may surprise you and its not ussually a all one or the other answer eaither. Most often its a blending of the two.

My best advice is to take things very slow.

Beginings only happen once so you should savor every moment. Your submission is precious and shouldnt be surrendered to just any ole dom swinging a whip.

Above all, don't run off all giddy to submit when the first person calling themselves a dominat shows some intrest.

Dont let some online or real life dominant control your access to information, its allways sad to see this done (especially with a new sub) and is actually a sign that the dominants insecure and or affriad that you may find someone better or learn how little they really know.

Saftey first, kinky fun second!!!

This includes pictures and other personal information shared on the web as well as real life.

If a partner is really right for you; they will have the patience to see your value and they will be very understanding of any saftey conserns.

I hope this helps you boo
hugs and kissess
denuseri

PS:
Feel free to pm me or any staff member if you have any conserns or questions, i am allways ready to help my sisters

I misworded some of that. I can see issues arizing from being out of comfort zone -even though that is where I am trying to go.... so I am trying to figure out ways to deal with that. Time... ahh...excellent advice. Thank you both!! yes, not really needy so much but a bit like alice in wonderland.

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Originally Posted by wonderworld

I can see issues arizing from being out of comfort zone -even though that is where I am trying to go.....

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Ironic.

And I feel the same way.

Great comment.

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Originally Posted by wonderworld

yes, not really needy so much but a bit like alice in wonderland.

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Oh my, yes. Partly it's being in another world, but also - remember how she kept changing size without any warning, so that as soon as she found her place in the new world she was no longer "herself" and had to rediscover herself and find a new place? I think she even tells one of the characters (the caterpillar?) that she doesn't know who she is any more.

And yes, personally, this makes me feel needy because I hope that someone else can anchor me. Luckily, while I don't love getting older, I have been on this earth long enough to know that, even in bdsm Wonderland, no one else can anchor you.

Also - discovering real, strong needs that you didn't know you had can make you feel, well, needy.

(I gave up vanilla dating too. So sweet, so boring.)

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Originally Posted by wonderworld

I have a new found sense of irrational neediness (vulnerability).

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I just recently talked to my Dom about similar feelings, told him that I had never felt needy in the past and I fight some of my feelings now. He told me that he has never seen me as needy at all and reminded me that needy and vulnerable are 2 different things. Without him saying it I believe he enjoys my vulnerability but he has said on more than one occasion that he is very thankful that I am not needy....I have yet to completely wrap my own brain around this concept but it might help you make some sense of your own feelings. Good luck.

I believe that there have been some very good and insightful answers given. I would only add that when we find ourselves in a unfamiliar situation or behavior, we automatically try to digest and categorize the emotions associated with it. Many time we are surprised by how we feel and other times confused.

The more we become accustom to the behavior the better we will understand it. so your "neediness" my fade away and be replaced by a more accurate emotion over time.

Good luck stay in tune with those emotions

Plainsman

It's funny, I've been thinking about this lately. In a vanilla relationship it's often a good thing to play it cool, not to reveal your hand too quickly, play a little hard to get especially if you're a woman. If you didn't you'd be considered unattractively 'in your face', gauche, maybe too needy.
But when you're a sub, these are unhelpful characteristics. You strive to be open, honest, revealing, responsive, pleasing; in short, vulnerable. Isn't it funny how one type of relationship requires you to hold back and the other to give all?
I think you can certainly feel needy about wanting a Dom/sub relationship in the first place, but, yes, once you have one and it looks like it's good for you, neediness is for those vanilla girls who don't know what they want, don't know how to ask for it, and never get it anyway. For a contented sub, vulnerability revealed to an understanding Dom is all she needs.

wonderworld: i'm not sure the term "sub frenzy" exactly covers what you're feeling since you mentioned you're not feeling super needy... just more in awe maybe? the feelings we have in bringing our submissive side out are pretty powerful!

sometimes those feelings will pull us in so many different directions. and for me, i get really confused.

hope this info helps any newbie feeling confused... (hope it's ok to link this?) - it was a pretty good article.

:)

http://www.steel-door.com/Frenzies.html

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What occurs next is a mad dash or race toward 'finding' that special person who can attend to those so long unattended needs coupled to a desperate desire to gather more and more information. This often triggers or propels the initiation of a state of frenzy. This is an increasing and progressive sensation of 'need'. Fairly quickly the submissive may discover that 'getting their fix', becomes supremely important in their lives. It can leave them irrational, willing to make poor decisions, rash, impulsive and generally stupid. A submissive in a frenzied state is at their most vulnerable to succumbing to the ploys of those less than admirable. They may become easily enthralled, believe themselves 'in love', willing to give over anything (almost literally) in order to fill that enormous void in their life.

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Originally Posted by Pearlgem

It's funny, I've been thinking about this lately. In a vanilla relationship it's often a good thing to play it cool, not to reveal your hand too quickly, play a little hard to get especially if you're a woman. If you didn't you'd be considered unattractively 'in your face', gauche, maybe too needy.
But when you're a sub, these are unhelpful characteristics. You strive to be open, honest, revealing, responsive, pleasing; in short, vulnerable. Isn't it funny how one type of relationship requires you to hold back and the other to give all?

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I've been thinking about this too. Dating is like a dance, with prescribed steps. If getting to know someone in a bdsm context is a dance, I've yet to learn the rules. I can't believe that it is attractive to be so vulnerable so quickly. (And yes, I'm being careful - I don't mean anything physical.)

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Originally Posted by Pearlgem

For a contented sub, vulnerability revealed to an understanding Dom is all she needs.

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Wow. Just...wow. Well said, Pearlgem. Thanks! :wave:

Thanks so much everyone!! EXCELLENT points. I feel much better about things.

What I have learned is this- (everyone grab your seats so you don't fall out laughing at me)-

This is not as easy as I thought it was going be and I need to readjust my thinking considerably. :)

But nothing worthwhile is easy right?

Thanks again to everyone!!

WW

Quote:

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Originally Posted by wonderworld

Hey All,

I need some advice here. I am new to this realm (and site) and I am finally figuring out what this is all about. What I have discovered has been very eye opening and grand. :) However, I am out of element here. I have a new found sense of irrational neediness (vulnerability). I could do one of two two things:
Go back to vanilla dating where I don't have these issues and just hone my skills at apologizing for the bored look on my face

Use my resources to figure out why and how to overcome this.

I have, like all of you, chosen to continue this route and tackle my issue. I personally think neediness is a VERY unattractive quality and am surprised that I have found myself feeling this way. I am reading a book on BDSM , but would love some real life experiences also. Please share with me any experience or advice you may have on this topic. Thanks!!

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Every single human being in the world has a vulnerability in them. Some of us are more prepared to accept and embrace them as part of our personality than others are. Feeling 'needy' is in my opinion, associated with unfulfilled desires and as such evolve and morph into wonderful expressions of personality when met with acceptance and understanding.

Worry not Wonderworld, you are never alone in such feelings.

;)

This is perfectly normal during the beginning of your BDSM journey. Try not to worry too much. You are faced with emotions of a depth and intensity that just can´t be compared to anything in the vanilla world. It can be confusing and scary.

It will get better with time, given that your Dom allows you to communicate your feelings and takes care of them (if he does not, kick his ass, for he is not a Dom but a careless jerk).

Keep in mind this feeling of vulnerability and insecurity can come back at regular intervals - with me it does whenever I had an experience that went very deep or made me face an aspect of myself I had not been aware of before.

Again, this will go away over time if you feel comfortable and safe with your Dom.

Ohh thank you so much for your post!

I am SO like that. I have never been so needy in my life as I am with my Master. Its a constant struggle to try and contain it and sometimes it so doesn't work and I becomes a silly spaz pouting and begging him to use me.

One thing that is really new to me is that I am less in control of my sex-drive as the man I am with. I am used to guys who want to have sex all the time and would jump at the chance when I only imply that I might be inclined to as well.
My Master though has amazing control - and of course the first though is - he doesn't want me. I'm unattractive. He is bored of me. Self-centred, I know.

I still don't know how to deal with it. I just hope it goes away with time.

"One thing that is really new to me is that I am less in control of my sex-drive as the man I am with. I am used to guys who want to have sex all the time and would jump at the chance when I only imply that I might be inclined to as well."

OMG Laila, you took the words right out of my mouth. That was one of the aspects which really shook my picture of the world. It is so true!

To the subs out there, especially the new ones: Keep this in mind by all means if you happen to come across one of those jerks who like to think if they just CALL themselves a "Dom", they can order any submissive girl to kneel naked in front of her cam, or something, and that´s "BDSM"... it is not.

One of the most outstanding characteristics of a true Dom is self-control... in all areas of his life.

If he cannot control himself... how is he ever to control somebody else?

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Originally Posted by Laila

One thing that is really new to me is that I am less in control of my sex-drive as the man I am with. I am used to guys who want to have sex all the time and would jump at the chance when I only imply that I might be inclined to as well.
My Master though has amazing control - and of course the first though is - he doesn't want me. I'm unattractive. He is bored of me. Self-centred, I know.

I still don't know how to deal with it. I just hope it goes away with time.

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You took the words right out of my mouth.....In the beginning I often had, and still do at times, these exact feelings. Sir has shown me in other ways that this is simply not true. I'm a very lucky girl :)