Frusterated :30:

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10-29-2008
TotallyMoi

Frusterated :30:

Ok, so really im not usually a jealous person...thats what makes this so insanely confusing for me

so on this site i met a dom. very nice guy... we've had an online relationship for a while and i was really enjoying it.

when we first started chatting he asked about boyfriends etc, and i asked what experiance he had, if he had any other subs now etc. he said he has had subs in the past but right now has no others...

i recently found out that he does... and i dont know... it just kind of hurt.

i dont know if im more jealous, or offended that he lied. these online relationships really only work if honesty is involved... what do i do!?

im not sure if it bothers me that he has someone else... but i would have liked to deal with it from the start... not this far in...

help :(
10-29-2008
Jayden McZimmer

well i think its not a good start that he lied to you about having other subs. he might be lying about other things as well. you should ask him why he lied to you about it and if there is anything else you should know...

i was in that situation once but in a vanilla bf/gf relationship and once i found out one lie, i kept finding more and more after that.
10-29-2008
shayna{L_D}

ive been there, done that got the t-shirt and broken heart to match.

Best bet, if he can lie to you once, then he will and can lie to you agian.

If it were me, as hard as it might be, id say you need to get outa this situation and move on.

I am a very jealous person, so this is a def. relationship breaker for me.
10-29-2008
guest010609

Quote:

Originally Posted by TotallyMoi

Ok, so really im not usually a jealous person...thats what makes this so insanely confusing for me

so on this site i met a dom. very nice guy... we've had an online relationship for a while and i was really enjoying it.

when we first started chatting he asked about boyfriends etc, and i asked what experiance he had, if he had any other subs now etc. he said he has had subs in the past but right now has no others...

i recently found out that he does... and i dont know... it just kind of hurt.

i dont know if im more jealous, or offended that he lied. these online relationships really only work if honesty is involved... what do i do!?

im not sure if it bothers me that he has someone else... but i would have liked to deal with it from the start... not this far in...

help :(

I am in a non-mono, married M/s relationship... for us, it is fabulous; but we are honest and constantly communicating about it. We have also had poly relationships in the past, and the biggest mistake in those was always lying, and lack of communication. I personally can't handle the idea of my Master having a bdsm relationship with someone else, anymore (his encounters are always casual and vanilla). The bottom line is that there are two issues here... one is that he lied. I can't imagine being able to really work that out in an online format. The second is that, lying aside... would you even want to be with someone who is poly? If you think that might be ok, or even very enjoyable...then great!-- That opens up possible new relationship avenues for you. But, regardless I would not try it with him. Liars don't make good friends, much less doms. And poly doms have to practically be superman.
10-29-2008
denuseri

In one word I can describe this guy: SCUMBAG!

Mabey thats supposed to be two words but you get my point.

Be careful sis.
10-29-2008
TotallyMoi

thanks for the advice folks!

i really appreciate all this... i think im gna have a little chat with him... i think it's almost time to go on a hunt for a new dom ;)
10-29-2008
hopperboo

I personally don't believe in just on-line relationships. On-line relationships where the couple meets once and a while IRL? Yes, I think that can work, but strictly "computer" ones....

I have yet to see one relationship that works.

I am speaking from experience as well. I was extremely serious about a friend of mine from AR. We had been friends and talked everyday (phone and computer), and I really wanted to take the next step.

We made plans three times to meet and each time something "came up." It was really hard to let that hope go the last time something came up and I told him I couldn't do it anymore. Even though it's just "on-line" there are still real feelings. At least...for me there was. Dating IRL, I couldn't do it. Or if I did do it I always wondered about him. I broke off the romantic talk, etc though we are still wonderful friends and I love him very much.

I really agree with shayna and denuseri on this.

Time to find a new guy.
10-29-2008
blythe spirit

I concur with all the above posts. But I wonder if you sit down and "have a chat with him" what that's going to prove? You already know he's a liar, right? So, he's just going to tell you what you want to hear and if he's a proficient liar...well like the saying goes, "What are you going to believe - me or what you see?"
10-29-2008
Flaming_Redhead

Oh, the drama! He's online, and he lied. I'm afraid I missed the point. What, exactly, do you need help with?

:whogivesa
10-29-2008
Borgs_slave

If he feels the need to lie when he doesn't know you then what else is he not being honest about? That would be a red flag for me. There is no reason to lie about having subs, it is a yes or no question not a multiple choice one.
10-29-2008
TotallyMoi

i personally would just like to know why he lied... i know for a fact thathe did... it's going to end i just havent had the time to speak with him.
10-29-2008
IAmCanadian

- fs
10-29-2008
hopperboo

..
10-29-2008
blythe spirit

Thank you FS and hopper.
10-29-2008
skifree66

My experience as an xchange student finally pays off.
10-29-2008
IAmCanadian

Let's try this again.

TotallyMoi, without addressing any specific reply you've received, I just want to say that you shouldn't doubt the validity of your sadness. Online interactions are as real and valid as offline interactions and often serve as the basis for eventual "real life" contact. There is no clause in the social contract that dictates a man shouldn't be held accountable for promises or statements made via computer. Your relationship isn't any more or less serious and worthy of empathy or consideration than any other on earth, online or otherwise.

Communication is communication is communication. He lied to you- and now you have to figure out the next step. Don't take it lightly, but don't automatically rule him out, either- he may have been scared of hurting your feelings, or had other reasons for which you might be able to forgive him, if he's able to re-earn your trust subsequently. If that's not the case, though, then you have to make the right choice for you and not let yourself get treated poorly.

There are plenty of doms out there who will make you their one and only shining star.

- FS
10-30-2008
shayna{L_D}

Quote:

Originally Posted by Flesh Seraph

Let's try this again.

Communication is communication is communication. He lied to you- and now you have to figure out the next step. Don't take it lightly, but don't automatically rule him out, either- he may have been scared of hurting your feelings, or had other reasons for which you might be able to forgive him, if he's able to re-earn your trust subsequently. If that's not the case, though, then you have to make the right choice for you and not let yourself get treated poorly.

There are plenty of doms out there who will make you their one and only shining star.

- FS

I think he did a little more then lie, he cheated in a way also. Having two subs in secret is a form of cheating. He lied to her about NOT having any other subs when he really did, in retrospect.

I do however agree with your reply. Online relationships sometimes are the backbone to a real life relationship. I know countless people on this site in fact that have done the whole online thing then moved to real life. Does this mean the she should rule him out, bc he lied and cheated? Thats up to her, like i said above, i dont let any man treat me that way anymore. Oh you lied becuase you didnt want to hurt my feelings?? Didnt you think that lying and cheating were going to crush me when i found out? Maybe if he was scared to hurt her, then i could see where lying about having two subs, then cutting one off, to spare her feelings, then telling her the whole story. Thats where he could have saved himself but he didnt. He know it was going to crush her, but he kept doing it anyway. But like i said, i do agree with your reply.
10-30-2008
DiablosLittleOne

Wow.....okay I think it hurts when someone lies to you no matter whether it's online or not. Chances are though, if he was dishonest once he'll do it again. Can him and find someone that will treat you better. Preferably someone you can meet in person and actually spend physical time with.

I hope you feel better soon and find someone you deserve. (((hugs)))
10-30-2008
~faerie~

when i first started out online, i played with a dom who i thought was really great. but a few weeks into it i found out he was Domming other girls. Now i would not have minded had he told me, as this was just me spreading my wings, but the fact that he lied was a big no-no. And what everyone has said is true. if he lies once it is bound to happen again. i understand your need to find out the reasons why, but dont hold your breath for an honest answer, you may never get one.
When you find someone else, not only ask them questions but find out who they are frpm ppl they know. When i met my Master, we played online a few times and there was a girl who he chatted with as friends alot. so one time i pm'ed her and asked about him. she told me he was a reallt great person, a good friend and a person i could trust. i took her advice and never looked back. point being, ask a lot of questions a good Dom wont mind them, they will appreciate the fact that you are careful. If you find out they lie, its time to move on. just my opinion though. Good luck
10-30-2008
Ex.Ballad

I frankly don't think it matters whether or not he is going to do it again (even though it is very likely he will); The fact that he lied in the first place says something very fundamental about him and his perception of you: He lied to you so that you would agree to something you would not have agreed to, otherwise. He manipulated you and deprived you of your BASIC right to make informed decisions. THAT is what is wrong about lying when there isn't something incredibly important on the line: it is disrespectful and treats you in ways you would not or should not agree to be treated. Furthermore, the fact that he did this after you had made yourself emotionally vulnerable to him in the context of a relationship-- no! SO THAT you would make yourself emotionally vulnerable to him-- is despicable. Lying in relationships when there is agency and emotions on the line is disgusting to me, i don't care what form the relationship takes.

IF YOU DON'T THINK SOMETHING IS A BIG DEAL, THEN YOU SHOULD NOT FEEL INCLINED TO LIE ABOUT IT.

DUMP HIS ASS.
11-05-2008
Hime

Quote:

Originally Posted by MastersBitch96

I am in a non-mono, married M/s relationship... for us, it is fabulous; but we are honest and constantly communicating about it. We have also had poly relationships in the past, and the biggest mistake in those was always lying, and lack of communication. I personally can't handle the idea of my Master having a bdsm relationship with someone else, anymore (his encounters are always casual and vanilla). The bottom line is that there are two issues here... one is that he lied. I can't imagine being able to really work that out in an online format. The second is that, lying aside... would you even want to be with someone who is poly? If you think that might be ok, or even very enjoyable...then great!-- That opens up possible new relationship avenues for you. But, regardless I would not try it with him. Liars don't make good friends, much less doms. And poly doms have to practically be superman.

Yeah, same here. I'm poly, I don't even mind if my husband has a BDSM relationship with someone else, and I have zero tolerance for jealousy, but I also have zero tolerance for lying. There's a big difference between being jealous and feeling hurt that someone lied to you.
11-05-2008
Arria

"Oh you lied becuase you didnt want to hurt my feelings?? Didnt you think that lying and cheating were going to crush me when i found out?" by shayna
and
"IF YOU DON'T THINK SOMETHING IS A BIG DEAL, THEN YOU SHOULD NOT FEEL INCLINED TO LIE ABOUT IT." by ExBallad

pretty well sums it up for me! Well said, nothing to add.
11-05-2008
shayna{L_D}

Quote:

Originally Posted by Arria

"Oh you lied becuase you didnt want to hurt my feelings?? Didnt you think that lying and cheating were going to crush me when i found out?" by shayna
and
"IF YOU DON'T THINK SOMETHING IS A BIG DEAL, THEN YOU SHOULD NOT FEEL INCLINED TO LIE ABOUT IT." by ExBallad

pretty well sums it up for me! Well said, nothing to add.

heh thanks! *feels warm and fuzzy inside*