Role advice

i have been experimanting with BDSM for a little while now, i have always thought till now i knew what i was and was definate about my role in my relationship as a dom. however the more i have been reasearching the lifestyle the more i have found i enjoy certain pain aspects like candlewax and wipping, i have always thought of these as sub based activities and as a dom i am unsure as to weather it is ok for me to like these things,

can i get my sub to inflict pain on me and still be the dom or have i become a switch and should give my sub some control

Thanks for the excellent question and for your willingness to come right out and ask it here.

Finding your place within the lifestyle can sometimes be a difficult thing, there's no doubt about that. First of all I need to say this: There is no physical activity that is strictly 'dom' or strictly 'sub'. Ok, take out the specific kneeling or physical surrender positions that many submissives learn <chuckles>

If you enjoy certain activities it does not make you any less of a Dominant, and whoever says it is not ok for a Dominant to like certain things is an idiot. Many Dominants enjoy the things you have listed, and many other activities as well.

If your girl is willing and able to do things for you (or to you) at your request, she is still submitting to your will even though she happens to be the one holding the candle or the whip.

Do you have a desire to submit to her will? Do you want to kneel at her feet and beg, or follow her direction in other areas? If so, you may very well be a switch and there is nothing wrong with that either.

Are you just interested in the physical sensation itself and not the mental surrender? If so, you may want to bottom to fulfill that desire. If your girl can't or isn't able to do what you want you may have to find another top to step into this role when the need arises.

Good Luck,
SilverWulf

Good response SW, but as a submissive (and according to you an idiot lol) I know that I would never be able to look at a Dominant in the same vein, if he were to submit to me. Even if I were submitting via his orders to inflict pain upon him. Once he's given me that control over him, he couldn't expect to regain it.

If I were a switch, I'd find it very difficult going from sub to Domme with the same partner. Your sub, however, might be very keen on the idea - kinda like "payback." *eg.

As a Dom, I suppose you can order your sub to inflict pain upon you, but I'm kinda questioning if you are 100% Dom and thinking that you are a Switch. Now if your sub is a Switch, I guess you have it made.

So are there lots of masochistic Doms out there? hmmmm. Will be interesting to read other views on this topic.

I have been through this myself with another "dominant" I had once.

For me like others it just wasn't the same after, he totally lost any control over me in the relationship.

There is nothing wrong with people wanting to switch roles, just don't expect everyone involved to be cool with the idea, especially if the relationship is allready well developed along D/s lines with clearly defined levels of dominance and submission.

We even talked about it before hand, I expressed my conserns that it would alter or relationship forever and yet after some pressure from him I relented to his wishes becuase I so wanted to please him. (he wanted me to use a strap on with him and play at being a domme, which much to his later chagrin I did so with every bit of intensity I could muster).

He also used the same logical argument that it shouldnt in any way be detrimental to his position as a dominant, I did my best to conform to this line of reasoning but human emotions however are not allways logical.

I tried my best but the bad taste it left in my mouth never went away. I was never able to see him in the same light again, let alone submit to his will. Our relationship continued for some time despite my feeling trapped and recentful with the new arrangment .

It was a very unfortunate way to find out that we were incompatable.

Nieather of us was very surprised when I was very easily wisked away by a much older and more experienced dominant that could tell instantly what was wrong and that I was so very unhappy with the role revesal.


However one must be true to one's self. If you really feel like switching roles is the thing for you, it wont be doing yourself or your submissive any real favors to hide from it.

It may be a painful way to find out what is true for your own nature as well as your partner, but growing and learning to understand one's self as you make your way in the world is not allways a pleasurable experience.

I wish you the best of luck.

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Originally Posted by blythespirit

Good response SW, but as a submissive (and according to you an idiot lol) I know that I would never be able to look at a Dominant in the same vein, if he were to submit to me. Even if I were submitting via his orders to inflict pain upon him. Once he's given me that control over him, he couldn't expect to regain it.

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I think you may have read my post wrong.

I was speaking specifically of people who say that someone who likes certain activities is not a Dominant because they like said activity.

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As a Dom, I suppose you can order your sub to inflict pain upon you, but I'm kinda questioning if you are 100% Dom and thinking that you are a Switch. Now if your sub is a Switch, I guess you have it made.

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I can and have ordered My submissive to do a variety of things to and for me. Inflicting pain is not something I enjoy or look for, yet I have had a submissive in the past give me a flogging with a particular heavy flogger. She wasn't strong enough to swing it hard enough to hurt, and I needed a good deep tissue massage after a day at work that was particularly hard on my back... I was not submitting, she was not inflicting pain... she was giving me a massage with a flogger and it worked wonders.

Even though pain is not my thing whatsoever, I do not nor will I ever look down on a Dominant who admits his or her interest in something outside the norm.

Isn't this lifestyle supposed to be accepting of all?

Aren't we all supposed to be able to carve out our own little niche?

Just because something would not work for you in your relationship, does not mean it is wrong for every other relationship out there, and it certainly doesn't deserve to be looked down upon. (not speaking specifically to you blyth)

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So are there lots of masochistic Doms out there? hmmmm. Will be interesting to read other views on this topic.

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There are more than you can imagine. They are simply hidden in the shadows because of the derision they would receive if they were to admit their desires publicly.

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Originally Posted by blythespirit

Good response SW, but as a submissive (and according to you an idiot lol) I know that I would never be able to look at a Dominant in the same vein, if he were to submit to me. Even if I were submitting via his orders to inflict pain upon him. Once he's given me that control over him, he couldn't expect to regain it.

If I were a switch, I'd find it very difficult going from sub to Domme with the same partner. Your sub, however, might be very keen on the idea - kinda like "payback." *eg.

As a Dom, I suppose you can order your sub to inflict pain upon you, but I'm kinda questioning if you are 100% Dom and thinking that you are a Switch. Now if your sub is a Switch, I guess you have it made.

So are there lots of masochistic Doms out there? hmmmm. Will be interesting to read other views on this topic.

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I speak as a switch, I'm exclusive sub to my Dom because he is out of the question for me to do anything to him...I get into "trouble" when i try...but I do have a friend who is a switch too and he let's me take care of my Domme side when I need the fix...

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Originally Posted by SilverWulf

I think you may have read my post wrong.

There are more than you can imagine. They are simply hidden in the shadows because of the derision they would receive if they were to admit their desires publicly.

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I recall an old school dom (I used to say "old guard" but I finally got too tired of arguing the antecedents that led to that term so I gave up; well sorta) telling me that perfectly good pain should never be wasted.

Original Poster: The most important thing that has been said is suggesting you find your own place. Don't worry about the labels, don't worry about the self-appointed political correctness judges. What's right for you and yours is just fine.

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Originally Posted by frostbite99

i have been experimanting with BDSM for a little while now, i have always thought till now i knew what i was and was definate about my role in my relationship as a dom. however the more i have been reasearching the lifestyle the more i have found i enjoy certain pain aspects like candlewax and wipping, i have always thought of these as sub based activities and as a dom i am unsure as to weather it is ok for me to like these things,

can i get my sub to inflict pain on me and still be the dom or have i become a switch and should give my sub some control

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i know that i am but a neophyte in the lifestyle, with little experience, but would still wish to offer my humble point of view.
To me, being DaddyJims sub means honouring Him without conditions or judgment. If He were to command that princess should do anything that pleased Him, my only responsibility would be to comply with the greatest adoration of Him. i respectfully concur with SilverWulf that, if demanded properly by You as the DOM, your sub should not loose respect for You. i am not capable of any loss of respect for DaddyJim due to our mutual admiration and equality in the relationship we have. For us, i am aware things are somewhat different as we are bound, not only in the lifestyle, but our hearts and souls, as well. However, in my intense study of the practices of BDSM, i am becoming very aware that there really are no "hard and fast rules", only what You and Your sub agree works for you both within whatever level your relationship occupies. i offer this with respect and most sincere hopes that i have assisted You in some small way. Blessed Be!

For subs who say they would lose respect for a Dom/me who wanted them to inflict some kind of pain on him or her, I wonder if the tone of the interaction would matter to you? There must be a big difference between, "Oh, please don't hurt me with that big flogger" and "harder, bitch, or I'll make you wish you had."

Yes? No?

I trust I am one of these subs you mention rachel ?

To answer that I must clairify some things about my views conserning dominance and submission.

Obeservationally speaking from my own experiences and trainning when it comes to this there are a few different ways of looking at it.


1.) Alltough inflicting pain per say can be done in such a way that a submiisve isnt "topping" so much as it is exactly how and what is to be done, biting, resisting, raking fingernails etc etc all inflict pain but a dom bending over to take a dildo up the bum while being called names and spanked by the sub and later mabey pee'ed on is different. That is role reversal, its commonly called "switching".

2.)The agreement or covenant of understanding the individuals involved in have; has a lot to do with how these activites are viewed.

3.)For some what actions or activities are preformed by a given partner have little or no bearing whatsoever on thier perspectives in relation to each other as to if the sub and dom can go back to "resume" thier respective places again after engaging in the forementioned kinds of activity.

4.)Other submissives that don't consider themselves to be "Switches" per say, if ordered to engade in a said manner with thier dominant can switch roles and go back to being submissive and or see thier compliance as submission during the act. They are able to convience themselves that they are not really switching roles and tell themselves that thier dominant is still in charge because he ordered them to do "it" etc.

For them this is true.......just as the opposite is true for others.

(i would be one of those others)

5.)For some of us a different dynamic applies in our relationships where actions speak louder than words when it comes to defining one's self identity, for us preforming a submissive act places one under the dominion of another and may break the pre-established covanant between us.

In effect placeing one in a subservient position to the other where it may take more than saying "ok baby I am in charge again" to recover that dominance beacuse mere words will not sufice.

One may never be able to reasert it if the "action" was signifigant enough because for us a dominant can only command the amount of submission that they are capable of aserting just as a submissive only submits to those who can command that submission.

For us and those like us D/s can be viewed as a fluid and constant struggle for dominion where actions of dominance and submission re-afirm the covenant between Master and slave.

Some actions can reduce or replace the amount of dominion one commands from another becuase they are by defualt the actions of a submissive in and of themselves for both parties involved.

These acts of submission for them have ritual signifigance and for some profound spiritual meanings. They are not mere physical interactions of flesh on flesh for us.

So to answer your question rachel I persoanally would be rather shocked if my Owner were to break the ritual covenant between us by demanding what for us would be un-natural for him to demand just as if he did such he would know full well how I should act in responce.

6.)This does not mean that for the other formention people that they cannot or do not have any spriritual covenant between them, or lack signifigance in thier identities just becuase thiers are different from my own.

It just means that thier relationship dynamic is based on a different things, that thier perspectives when it comes to definitions of "identity" are different from my own.

It is my opinion that in all three cases of different types of D/s dynamics:

In no way shape or form is the submissive any less of a submissve or the dominant any less of a dominant when they act in accordance to thier own respective traditions in a manner that is natural where as these matters are conserned for them.

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Originally Posted by frostbite99

i have been experimanting with BDSM for a little while now, i have always thought till now i knew what i was and was definate about my role in my relationship as a dom. however the more i have been reasearching the lifestyle the more i have found i enjoy certain pain aspects like candlewax and wipping, i have always thought of these as sub based activities and as a dom i am unsure as to weather it is ok for me to like these things,

can i get my sub to inflict pain on me and still be the dom or have i become a switch and should give my sub some control

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You can like anything that pleases you. It does not make you any less "Dom" but, you MUST talk to your sub if you expect them to carry out the task. They may not be able to deal with your request. Communication really is the key in your situation as it changes the boundaries of the power exchange.

Just my 2 cents.

thank u so much every 1 for your advice and insight and i can see that my post has stired a fair few debates amongst subs and doms i should let u all know that due to the responses i have recieved and several conversations with my sub we have decided that our relationship is incompatible and she has requested that we no longer participate in the persuit of BDSM, i am not ready to give up my search and discovery but i obviously jumped in to soon and in return got hurt so i will be very causious about how i abroach the lifestyle from now on

I am truely sorry that things have not went well between you.

At least you know where you stand with her now as opposed to later.

I am glad to hear that will not be letting the experience sour your search for fufilment in the art of bdsm and I wish you the best of luck in finding a compatible partner in future.