technological infidelity?

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03-07-2010
thir

technological infidelity?

I came across an article (http://www.guardian.co.uk/theobserve...-relationships) on infidelity and monogamy with some interesting ideas.

It says that new technology means much more contac than we before, in new and varied forms.That we are more unfaithful than before because of this. And it poses the question whether we have to redefine what infidelity/flirting is:

"Logic would suggest we're having more affairs than ever. We're presented with more opportunities to cheat. We work more and travel more, and consequently are more absent from our homes. The evolving landscape of technology means we are connected – sometimes intensely and continuously – with many more people than before. Technology also means that the very definitions of infidelity have broadened. Emotional infidelities are increasingly an issue; entire affairs are played out online; intense relationships – which may or may not blur the line on friendship, who knows? – flourish via the intimacy of the text message exchange."

Is this true? Is, for instance, an online connection infidelity? Are SMS's?
Where is the line drawn?
03-07-2010
denuseri

First off I am curious as to what your saying an SMS is exactly? Are you talking about instant messaging?

And one might assume that logic would dictate that what is and isnt considered infidelity should be defined by those actually in a relationship between each other.

Where as logic doesnt nessesarally preclude, as is sugested by the spurious corelation in the quoted passage above: that interaction through long distance forms of media being more prevelant must also mean that people are being any more or less true to one another in their relationships.
03-10-2010
thir

Quote:

Originally Posted by denuseri

First off I am curious as to what your saying an SMS is exactly? Are you talking about instant messaging?

Messages between mobile phones - that's what we call them here.

Quote:

And one might assume that logic would dictate that what is and isnt considered infidelity should be defined by those actually in a relationship between each other.

Well yes, but I was interested in a general opion on on-line relationships, as I have seen it mentioned as problematic by people on lists. For instance that one person in a relationship spends hours every evening writing an online partner and telling him/her things not mentioned among the primary partners.

As for sms's (mobile messages) this has also been mentioned as a problem for some.

Quote:

Where as logic doesnt nessesarally preclude, as is sugested by the spurious corelation in the quoted passage above: that interaction through long distance forms of media being more prevelant must also mean that people are being any more or less true to one another in their relationships.

I was surprised at this idea myself, one reason to ask here. The whole article is about infidelity, and only part of it mentions technology. Where it comes in is among other things the interview person's views on monogamy: that monogay is in trouble and that it and infidelity should be viewed differently.
That there should be a different view on emotional and physical infidelity. On-line relationships are viewed as emotional infidelity.

Perel: "Infidelity, she says, is one of the great recurring themes of the human experience. "And we are not monogamous! We are not! "

"We need to start to understand infidelity in terms of the complexities of life today. We need to think in terms of the failed ambitions of love."

"We talk a little about the new, shadowy areas of human relations: the texts and email and iChats that may or may not qualify as cheating. Perel thinks that a flirty text message exchange can be as potent an infidelity as a fully fledged, physical affair. "So you don't touch? Sometimes this can be far more erotic than sex – because it all works in your imagination." Furthermore, this rapidly expanding field of infidelity is yet another reason for us to redefine monogamy. "Do we have to put monogamy on a spectrum? Do we need to think: what does monogamy mean to me? Does it mean no sex with other people? Does it mean not to look at other people? Does it mean not to fantasise about other people? Does it mean not to Facebook your exes? Not to text your friends? Where is the line going to be drawn? Monogamy today is no longer going to be assumed. It's going to have to be negotiated."
03-10-2010
leo9

Quote:

Originally Posted by thir

As for sms's (mobile messages) this has also been mentioned as a problem for some.

We have had a celebrity adultery scandal in the UK tabloids recently, where the man's sexy text messages to his Other Woman were a major talking point.

Or so I gathered from the headlines - never bothered to read about it.
03-10-2010
Eastern Pearl

Quote:

Originally Posted by thir

Is this true? Is, for instance, an online connection infidelity? Are SMS's?
Where is the line drawn?

IMHO, if it is an interaction that you can not let your partner know about, then it is inappropriate, regardless the format (physical, emotional, flirting, instant messaging, texting, twittering, or platonic lunch dates with a coworker) of the interaction. Whether that constitutes as infidelity, only you and your partner can decide that.
03-31-2010
brwneydgirl

Really? Platonic lunch dates with a coworker are inappropriate just because your spouse/partner happens to take issue with it? In that case, the spouse's/partner's jealousy sounds more inappropriate than the lunch.

In that case, why bother saying who you went to lunch with? Just say, "Hey, I had an amazing turkey club at lunch today." (of course, this is just how I'd prefer to handle it...I'm not insinuating that this is how everyone should do it)
03-31-2010
Ozme52

Quote:

Originally Posted by thir

Messages between mobile phones - that's what we call them here.

SMS - Single Message Service, is a technical term here in the states and mostly used within the industry. That's the only place I used it and we had to spell it out as we already used the acronym for one of our business offerings.

Quote:

Well yes, but I was interested in a general opion on on-line relationships, as I have seen it mentioned as problematic by people on lists. For instance that one person in a relationship spends hours every evening writing an online partner and telling him/her things not mentioned among the primary partners.

It's a mixed message, but not sharing certain information with a partner shoudl not, in and of itself, be considered an infidelity. Many people pay for that right... it's called therapy.

Quote:

As for sms's (mobile messages) this has also been mentioned as a problem for some.

I was surprised at this idea myself, one reason to ask here. The whole article is about infidelity, and only part of it mentions technology. Where it comes in is among other things the interview person's views on monogamy: that monogay is in trouble and that it and infidelity should be viewed differently.
That there should be a different view on emotional and physical infidelity. On-line relationships are viewed as emotional infidelity.

Perel: "Infidelity, she says, is one of the great recurring themes of the human experience. "And we are not monogamous! We are not! "

"We need to start to understand infidelity in terms of the complexities of life today. We need to think in terms of the failed ambitions of love."

"We talk a little about the new, shadowy areas of human relations: the texts and email and iChats that may or may not qualify as cheating. Perel thinks that a flirty text message exchange can be as potent an infidelity as a fully fledged, physical affair. "So you don't touch? Sometimes this can be far more erotic than sex – because it all works in your imagination." Furthermore, this rapidly expanding field of infidelity is yet another reason for us to redefine monogamy. "Do we have to put monogamy on a spectrum? Do we need to think: what does monogamy mean to me? Does it mean no sex with other people? Does it mean not to look at other people? Does it mean not to fantasise about other people? Does it mean not to Facebook your exes? Not to text your friends? Where is the line going to be drawn? Monogamy today is no longer going to be assumed. It's going to have to be negotiated."

I guess, if you considered having a pen pal, or even spent solitary hours alone with your own thoughts and a written journal or diary... that was okay but no longer because technology allows more people access?

When did it become a problem to talk to your friends?

Oh... I remember. When you brits sent us your puritans and pilgrims. LOL

(Notice my cross thread rant theme yet?) ;)
03-31-2010
Ozme52

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eastern Pearl

IMHO, if it is an interaction that you can not let your partner know about, then it is inappropriate, regardless the format (physical, emotional, flirting, instant messaging, texting, twittering, or platonic lunch dates with a coworker) of the interaction. Whether that constitutes as infidelity, only you and your partner can decide that.

That doesn't apply to all open relationships. Many people prefer to not discuss their partners' liasons but don't per se have a problem with the concept of partners.

And tell me you don't have at least one confidante whom you share secrets with... secrets that you "prefer" not to tell a partner. Or does your answer discriminate between general secrets and secrets of an amourous nature?

Some would say that lunchtime gossip amongst girlfriends is far more insidious and potentially destructive to a partnership than an affair.

Oz <<== known among the membership to have a long standing "Don't Ask - Don't Tell" open marriage. (in case you were curious about the subtext of my commentary.) :wave:
03-31-2010
brwneydgirl

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ozme52

Oz <<== known among the membership to have a long standing "Don't Ask - Don't Tell" open marriage. (in case you were curious about the subtext of my commentary.) :wave:

Exactly my point...So, how was the turkey club? :D