Non-sub/new to BDSM with experienced Dom

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05-24-2010
openyoureyes

Non-sub/new to BDSM with experienced Dom

I've been dating a guy for a couple months now who's a Dom. From the conversations we've had, every relationship he's been in has been this way, and I'm the first girl he's ever dated who hasn't already been Submissive.

To give some background, all of the relationships I've had have been fairly run-of-the mill, and honestly, kind of boring. I was with the same guy for a very long time and I knew what he liked, and stuck with that. When I tried to step out of that and experiment (for example, I tried to get him to hold me down, or use some sort of bondage, etc.), he wasn't interested.

I've had conversations with my new boyfriend, but I think an outside opinion would be more helpful at this point. Most of the conversations I have with him end with him saying he can live without it ('it' being BDSM in general, or whatever thing in particular I get hung up on). One, I'm not sure I believe him, and two, I don't want to be in a relationship where the person I'm with isn't fulfilled. I've told him that I'm willing to experiment and we've agreed that I should try things at least twice before discounting them, and he says he'll be patient and take things one step at a time.

So my questions are,

1. How do I define/push my boundaries without things going too far? How do I let him know if things have gone too far? (For example, he says there will be times that I will probably end up crying but that that's just part of pushing my boundaries and I'm not sure how to feel about that.)

2. If there are things I think I will never like, and think will hurt me (more than I think I can handle - on an emotional level, more than physical), should I still agree to try them, or is it ok to not be ready, or not ever be ready, for certain things?

3. How do I get over that feeling of shame for things that I do enjoy, but feel like I shouldn't? Do other people struggle with this?

4. Does it get easier to be called names, or even to be called 'good girl'? He called me a slut while we were together and it bothered me. I am more okay with being called specifically his slut, but I usually just end up feeling like I'm doing something I shouldn't be, and the cycle of shame repeats. On the flip side, the first time he called me 'good girl', I got upset by it, but the more he says it, the less it bothers me.

5. Does anyone have any advice in general as I feel like I'm overreacting and over thinking things? My fear is that I won't be able to find a balance with how far I can go and be comfortable, and have him still be happy.
05-24-2010
nawteeone

I think you are doing the right thing for sure by communicating with him. People surely save themselves a lot of time, trouble & heartache by being up front about this stuff. Of course everyone's experience is different, but I'm happy to share my opinions.

1. How do I define/push my boundaries without things going too far? How do I let him know if things have gone too far? (For example, he says there will be times that I will probably end up crying but that that's just part of pushing my boundaries and I'm not sure how to feel about that.)
This one seems pretty basic in BDSM relationships: Decide on a "safe word," especially considering you are not familiar with a lot of BDSM. It should be crystal clear that 1)you will use this word if you are ever feeling truly uncomfortable with where something is going, and 2)he will respect your use of it and cease immediately.

2. If there are things I think I will never like, and think will hurt me (more than I think I can handle - on an emotional level, more than physical), should I still agree to try them, or is it ok to not be ready, or not ever be ready, for certain things?
Interesting question. But I'm thinking of an old George Carlin skit here...."How do you KNOW you don't like it, IF you've never even tried it?" lol. There are plenty of things I would have said NO WAY to way back when, but the more your relationship evolves, the more you might find out about yourself,and your likes & dislikes. I would say only go as far as you are willing now, and keep lines of communication open. I think most of us probably started out pretty slow, and then gradually worked up to other things. But even though you are willing to give control over to him, remember that ultimately YOU decide what you are willing to do or not do.

3. How do I get over that feeling of shame for things that I do enjoy, but feel like I shouldn't? Do other people struggle with this?
This one was easier for me: What I like might not be run-of-the-mill, but it makes me happy, and doesn't hurt anyone else. My private life is absolutely none of their business. Plus, I'm convinced we all have some deep, dark, dirty secrets. No one is immune....

4. Does it get easier to be called names, or even to be called 'good girl'? He called me a slut while we were together and it bothered me. I am more okay with being called specifically his slut, but I usually just end up feeling like I'm doing something I shouldn't be, and the cycle of shame repeats. On the flip side, the first time he called me 'good girl', I got upset by it, but the more he says it, the less it bothers me.
Yup, but in certain contexts. In the course of "normal" interaction, if M seriously called me a slut, I would probably tell him to go fuck himself. lol. When we're playing? OMG, I not only LOVE it, but CRAVE it. You'll know in time if this is something you can get used to or not.

5. Does anyone have any advice in general as I feel like I'm overreacting and over thinking things? My fear is that I won't be able to find a balance with how far I can go and be comfortable, and have him still be happy.
I know it goes against what subs are "supposed" to think, but just worry about you. Are YOU happy? Go as far as you are willing, and still feel comfortable with, then have a heart to heart with him. Is it enough for him? Not to put pressure on you at all, but in my experience, men who like to dominate can seldom just "turn it off." Not to say it's never happened, but deep down, even if he doesn't think so, it probably is simply what he needs. Don't feel like you have to live up to his expectations, until that is exactly what you WANT to do. Don't feel like you have to go all out at first. The things discussed here, or online in general are usually not things that happen right away in true relationships. Go slow, there's absolutely no right or wrong. Just be true to yourself about your feelings. In the end, if it feels right, trust me, you will know! Feel free to message me if you like. I hope that made sense, but for me, making M happy makes me happy, so it's a win-win.
05-24-2010
openyoureyes

Quote:

Originally Posted by nawteeone

Interesting question. But I'm thinking of an old George Carlin skit here...."How do you KNOW you don't like it, IF you've never even tried it?" lol. There are plenty of things I would have said NO WAY to way back when, but the more your relationship evolves, the more you might find out about yourself,and your likes & dislikes.

Well, this is what he said as well, and that's when I agreed I would try things at least twice before saying for sure that I do/don't like something. But there are some things where I don't feel like I'm ready to try them, and while he says he'll take things slow, some things still cause me major anxiety to think about. I suppose the key is to have trust and just take things one step at a time? I told him that even if I say no right now, ask me again in a few months and we can see where I'm at then.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nawteeone

Yup, but in certain contexts. In the course of "normal" interaction, if M seriously called me a slut, I would probably tell him to go fuck himself. lol. When we're playing? OMG, I not only LOVE it, but CRAVE it. You'll know in time if this is something you can get used to or not.

lol, yeah, when he first said it I was just surprised by it. The ex that I was with for nearly 6 years was pretty much silent during sex, so even talking during sex was completely new to me, let alone being called names. The more stuff we do, the less it bothers me, but I think it's more that I'm sensitive and will take things literally that aren't meant to be that way.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nawteeone

I know it goes against what subs are "supposed" to think, but just worry about you. Are YOU happy? Go as far as you are willing, and still feel comfortable with, then have a heart to heart with him.

I have always had a hard time with this. I tend to internalize my unhappiness, and I tend to put myself last. I've been struggling pretty hard with this since my ex and I split, and part of me worries that my new boyfriend being dominant is going to cause me to regress and just go back to not caring about my own happiness - something I know my boyfriend doesn't want, but I'm not sure it's something he'd even be aware of. :(

Quote:

Originally Posted by nawteeone

Not to put pressure on you at all, but in my experience, men who like to dominate can seldom just "turn it off." Not to say it's never happened, but deep down, even if he doesn't think so, it probably is simply what he needs. Don't feel like you have to live up to his expectations, until that is exactly what you WANT to do.

Yeah, I agree. Even if he doesn't want it to, it does matter. I do want to make him happy, though, I just want to make sure I don't lose myself in the process, if that makes sense. I don't have an issue with him dominating - I tried for years to get my ex to be more aggressive towards me, I just don't want to end up feeling like what I'm comfortable with isn't enough for him.
05-24-2010
StormKat

Quote:

Originally Posted by openyoureyes

I've been dating a guy for a couple months now who's a Dom. From the conversations we've had, every relationship he's been in has been this way, and I'm the first girl he's ever dated who hasn't already been Submissive.

I'm having flashbacks here as this is sort of how I came into the BDSM world - I wish you the best of luck with figuring out if it's right for you but urge you not to get into a situation you really don't want just because of a guy you've only known a few months. This lifestyle isn't for everyone; it's also perfectly ok to keep the parts & pieces you do like & toss the rest ;)

Quote:

Originally Posted by openyoureyes

1. How do I define/push my boundaries without things going too far? How do I let him know if things have gone too far? (For example, he says there will be times that I will probably end up crying but that that's just part of pushing my boundaries and I'm not sure how to feel about that.)

I'd recommend you start with the BDSM checklist thread in the forums, which is a massive list of all kinds of kinky things. You'll probably have to look some of them up online - I certainly did! You assign a rating to each activity, indicating things you've done, how much you like it, or how much you'd like to try it.

You & your boyfriend can each complete the checklist individually & then compare notes to see where your interests overlap. Those mutual activities can give you a good starting point towards stepping into the BDSM pool. It should also provide some clarity around those items you consider a hard limit - the "no, no, hell no" category.

Definitely also set up a safeword, a word you can say that will make your boyfriend stop what he's doing immediately so you guys can talk about what happened that you didn't like or that scared you. From personal experience, if he says he doesn't do safewords, walk away now. Especially when this stuff is new to you, it's important to have a way to make something that feels wrong stop!

Quote:

Originally Posted by openyoureyes

2. If there are things I think I will never like, and think will hurt me (more than I think I can handle - on an emotional level, more than physical), should I still agree to try them, or is it ok to not be ready, or not ever be ready, for certain things?

I would say there's no reason to rush into things. Try some different activities that seem more comfortable to you now, then see if those items trigger your interest in exploring more. For example, let him spank your ass during sex - if it feels good, then maybe you can consider trying a paddle or a flogger in the future. If that doesn't work for you, then maybe try cooking him dinner as a first exploration into personal service.

There are things that you may never have an interest in or never be ready to try - and that's ok! You can set them as hard limits or even soft limits, those things you really don't think you want to do but you might someday consider because it would make your dom really happy. Also, be aware that your interests may change with time & as you grow more comfortable with the relationship, the dom, the lifestyle, etc.

Quote:

Originally Posted by openyoureyes

3. How do I get over that feeling of shame for things that I do enjoy, but feel like I shouldn't? Do other people struggle with this?

You'll probably be doing a lot of self-reflection as you start down this path, figuring out what you like, why you like it, what it means that you do. Unfortunately, the only person that can really answer this question is you...

I will say that from my experience, I came to realize that there are things I do like that may not be considered "normal" but really, who wants to be just the same as everyone else anyway? I like being different rather than having a barcode. I also realized that the things I like aren't really hurting anyone, don't violate my own personal code of honor & are kept private between me & the other parties directly involved. So I place my personal opinion over what society tells me to believe is "shameful".

Quote:

Originally Posted by openyoureyes

4. Does it get easier to be called names, or even to be called 'good girl'? He called me a slut while we were together and it bothered me. I am more okay with being called specifically his slut, but I usually just end up feeling like I'm doing something I shouldn't be, and the cycle of shame repeats. On the flip side, the first time he called me 'good girl', I got upset by it, but the more he says it, the less it bothers me.

Oh boy, this is a tough one! You should realize that not all BDSM situations involve name calling, although it is a fairly common occurrence. The first time the dom that brought me into this world called me a slut, I smacked him (note that I do not necessarily endorse this reaction ;) ). We ended up talking about it, a lot, but part of what made me more comfortable with it was finding out how he defined "slut". Based on his definition, well, ok, I pretty much was a slut LOL. It's definitely something that grew on me over time & as the situation progressed. It's also a word that I accepted only from him - if anybody else called me a slut, I'd drop the gloves!

It was similar with the whole "good girl" thing for me. My knee jerk I'm-not-a-freakin'-puppy reaction the first time that came along (again, I don't recommend smacking your boyfriend/dom over it) eventually mellowed. Talking about it, learning that to him it was a token that I'd done something that pleased him rather than being condescending went a long way towards me accepting it without raised hackles.

Quote:

Originally Posted by openyoureyes

5. Does anyone have any advice in general as I feel like I'm overreacting and over thinking things? My fear is that I won't be able to find a balance with how far I can go and be comfortable, and have him still be happy.

So I'm totally an analytical person & I got this line from that original dom guy as well. Yes, some things in this world just are what they are, all you can do is accept them & move on. They defy logical explanation no matter how hard you try to find a reason/an answer/a rationalization that makes sense.

However, I caution you to be careful about being so concerned about overreacting that you get into a situation that isn't where you want to be. Trust your instincts - if something feels wrong for you, it probably is. Your personal safety is critical.

Also, keep in mind that your comfort factor & you being happy with yourself, your life & the choices you're making, should be more important than keeping your boyfriend/potential dom happy.

Good luck!
05-25-2010
Ozme52

Quote:

Originally Posted by StormKat

I'd recommend you start with the BDSM checklist thread in the forums, which is a massive list of all kinds of kinky things. You'll probably have to look some of them up online - I certainly did! You assign a rating to each activity, indicating things you've done, how much you like it, or how much you'd like to try it.

You & your boyfriend can each complete the checklist individually & then compare notes to see where your interests overlap. Those mutual activities can give you a good starting point towards stepping into the BDSM pool. It should also provide some clarity around those items you consider a hard limit - the "no, no, hell no" category.

Yep. This was also my first suggestion. But not just start with this. Revisit it oftne. Update it. Think about the things you initially said "no-no" to. Don't be shy about changing it to "no-curious" or even "no-that's hot" if you saw or read about a scene and you want to reconsider. And by the same token don't hesitate to change something into a limit if you hated the activity having tried it. There is so much to try, it is rare that eliminating a single class of activities will leave your partner "unfullfilled".

Quote:

Definitely also set up a safeword, a word you can say that will make your boyfriend stop what he's doing immediately so you guys can talk about what happened that you didn't like or that scared you.

Not to mention that a safeword is an excellent way to let your dom know to keep going (by not uttering it) when you may be otherwise unable to express yourself rationally other than knowing you want more of the same.

Quote:

From personal experience, if he says he doesn't do safewords, walk away now. Especially when this stuff is new to you, it's important to have a way to make something that feels wrong stop!

Definitely. IMO, safewords should be "required" between new couples.
05-25-2010
openyoureyes

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ozme52

Yep. This was also my first suggestion. But not just start with this. Revisit it oftne. Update it. Think about the things you initially said "no-no" to. Don't be shy about changing it to "no-curious" or even "no-that's hot" if you saw or read about a scene and you want to reconsider. And by the same token don't hesitate to change something into a limit if you hated the activity having tried it. There is so much to try, it is rare that eliminating a single class of activities will leave your partner "unfullfilled".
Not to mention that a safeword is an excellent way to let your dom know to keep going (by not uttering it) when you may be otherwise unable to express yourself rationally other than knowing you want more of the same. Definitely. IMO, safewords should be "required" between new couples.

Thank you. I definitely agree about the list. When I first looked it over it was... very thorough, and very intimidating, but I understand that the answers will change. One of the first things I said after I filled it out was that I might want to look it over again in a couple of months after we've tried some things because I will have a better idea then of where I'm at. We also talked about it today and we do have a safe word.
05-26-2010
brwneydgirl

Quote:

Originally Posted by openyoureyes

3. How do I get over that feeling of shame for things that I do enjoy, but feel like I shouldn't? Do other people struggle with this?

4. Does it get easier to be called names, or even to be called 'good girl'? He called me a slut while we were together and it bothered me. I am more okay with being called specifically his slut, but I usually just end up feeling like I'm doing something I shouldn't be, and the cycle of shame repeats. On the flip side, the first time he called me 'good girl', I got upset by it, but the more he says it, the less it bothers me.

#3--I'm not sure you do get over it. In fact, I'm not sure I want to get over it. Do I feel shame and humiliation about things I enjoy (and feel I shouldn't)? Yes. But that leads to it being even more HOT (forbidden).

#4--I love name-calling. The nastier the better...but if it bothers you (you get no enjoyment from it at all), maybe it's just not your thing--and that's fine too. It's a limit of yours. Better you recognize it now and can let him know than going along with a chip on your shoulder over it. "Good girl" is lovely too...and it sounds like you can accept that one...so, hurrah!! :D

It sounds like you're moving in the right direction....Good luck to you!!!
05-26-2010
openyoureyes

Quote:

Originally Posted by brwneydgirl

#3--I'm not sure you do get over it. In fact, I'm not sure I want to get over it. Do I feel shame and humiliation about things I enjoy (and feel I shouldn't)? Yes. But that leads to it being even more HOT (forbidden).

#4--I love name-calling. The nastier the better...but if it bothers you (you get no enjoyment from it at all), maybe it's just not your thing--and that's fine too. It's a limit of yours. Better you recognize it now and can let him know than going along with a chip on your shoulder over it. "Good girl" is lovely too...and it sounds like you can accept that one...so, hurrah!! :D

It sounds like you're moving in the right direction....Good luck to you!!!

It's more of the shame afterwards than during. There is a certain appeal of doing something you shouldn't as you're doing it, but afterwards I just find myself...mentally beating myself up for what happened. Or I'll find myself believing the things he'll say when we're in the moment. That's where I become unsure of the name calling. It's not that it bothers me as much in the moment (although it is taking an adjustment to get used to it, especially if he wants me to call myself names, eek), but it's after we're done and I start taking what was said to heart.
05-26-2010
Jennifer Williams

Quote:

Originally Posted by openyoureyes

It's more of the shame afterwards than during. There is a certain appeal of doing something you shouldn't as you're doing it, but afterwards I just find myself...mentally beating myself up for what happened.

My little one struggles with this a great deal. I keep trying to help him figure out why things bother him so much, and all he says is "I just don't want to be judged or ridiculed." And then I ask him "by who, no one is here but us?" I think that even though we can logically and mentally accept that it's fine to be an individual, what society ingrains in us as "appropriate" or not is very deep-rooted. That's why it's important to use your brain as much as possible, to look at your feelings to figure out why you feel a certain way.

Quote:

Or I'll find myself believing the things he'll say when we're in the moment. That's where I become unsure of the name calling. It's not that it bothers me as much in the moment (although it is taking an adjustment to get used to it, especially if he wants me to call myself names, eek), but it's after we're done and I start taking what was said to heart.

That can be tricky because you're a new couple. But as you go, it should become easier to separate "in-session" from "non-session" things. How does he treat you when you're not in-session? By paying attention to that, it should make it easier for you to learn the difference between "real" and "play". It sounds to me like your boyfriend is an understanding person, so you should tell him you're struggling with this.

A lot of these questions you have are things that will be answered more easily once you have more time together. It sounds to me like you already know that:

Quote:

One of the first things I said after I filled it out was that I might want to look it over again in a couple of months after we've tried some things because I will have a better idea then of where I'm at.

In all, from reading your posts, I would have to say that I think you're the "poster-child" for "the right way to start a brand-new BDSM relationship." I think you're asking all the right questions and thinking and questioning things all the time...just like you should. Also it sounds to me like you're keeping good communication about all of this with your boyfriend, and that is a huge key.

Just keep on doing it. Keep on asking yourself those questions, thinking about how you feel and why you feel that way. That part doesn't go away; what the questions are might change but having them won't. That's just part of being in a good, healthy, developing relationship.

Good luck to you!
05-26-2010
openyoureyes

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer Williams

My little one struggles with this a great deal. I keep trying to help him figure out why things bother him so much, and all he says is "I just don't want to be judged or ridiculed." And then I ask him "by who, no one is here but us?" I think that even though we can logically and mentally accept that it's fine to be an individual, what society ingrains in us as "appropriate" or not is very deep-rooted. That's why it's important to use your brain as much as possible, to look at your feelings to figure out why you feel a certain way.

I agree, though I think a part of it is family issues as well. I talked with my sister when I first found out, and her reaction was "You know the things he wants to call you in bed, right?" and it was like, "You think that's all he wants to do??" But it's not something I feel I can really discuss indepth with the people who are closest to me. One of my closest friends, who has even dabbled with BDSM had the reaction of "You need to get out of this relationship before it turns abusive" and it irks me that people assume just because you're in a BDSM relationship it means you're either a victim or an abuser.

Even though I *know* all of these things and don't think what I'm doing is wrong, it doesn't evoke good feelings to know I have to hide a part of myself from friends/family.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer Williams

That can be tricky because you're a new couple. But as you go, it should become easier to separate "in-session" from "non-session" things. How does he treat you when you're not in-session? By paying attention to that, it should make it easier for you to learn the difference between "real" and "play". It sounds to me like your boyfriend is an understanding person, so you should tell him you're struggling with this.

After our last session he did ask me if I wanted to talk about what happened (it was the first time I'd been 'punished' for not doing what he told me to), but I told him I wasn't ready to talk about it yet. I find it very hard to articulate my feelings to him, especially when he is right there. I do think it will get easier to tell the different between "real" and "play", I think it's just that, when no one's ever done that with me before, my gut reaction is to think he means what he's saying, whether it's in-session or not.
05-26-2010
brwneydgirl

Quote:

Originally Posted by openyoureyes

Even though I *know* all of these things and don't think what I'm doing is wrong, it doesn't evoke good feelings to know I have to hide a part of myself from friends/family.

Try to look at it like this:

If you were in a vanilla relationship...pure vanilla...and REALLY loved giving head...I mean, you fucking REALLY loved it and were VERY talented at it and you joined a website devoted to discussing it in all it's varied forms...would you share that with your friends and family? Maybe you would...maybe you're just super open and tell them everything....but I doubt it.

On the other hand, I know what you mean about wanting someone to talk to (in real life) about what's in your mind...have you tried meeting other subs in your area? Or even finding a sub you can connect with online and picking each other's brains a little...could help? :)
05-26-2010
openyoureyes

Quote:

Originally Posted by brwneydgirl

Try to look at it like this:

If you were in a vanilla relationship...pure vanilla...and REALLY loved giving head...I mean, you fucking REALLY loved it and were VERY talented at it and you joined a website devoted to discussing it in all it's varied forms...would you share that with your friends and family? Maybe you would...maybe you're just super open and tell them everything....but I doubt it.

lol, well...I might not have talked about that with people, BUT, I did have a conversation with my dad about where I made a comment about being lonely (after a break-up), to which he responded "You're not lonely, you're horny, you should stop confusing the two". So uh, I DO have fairly open communication with my family/friends about things, maybe not anything super detailed, but it's also not something I've been very reserved about.

Quote:

Originally Posted by brwneydgirl

On the other hand, I know what you mean about wanting someone to talk to (in real life) about what's in your mind...have you tried meeting other subs in your area? Or even finding a sub you can connect with online and picking each other's brains a little...could help? :)

It's been tremendously helpful just to be on this forum, actually. Although I do think it might be helpful to be able to talk to someone one on one about the more personal/detailed things, though I'm not sure how to go about finding someone like that. I also have one in-real-life friend who I can talk to, though usually nothing specific, just in general how I'm feeling and she's been wonderful. Her advice has been pretty universal in that it doesn't matter how I think I *should* feel, but how I *do* feel and that I should focus on being ok with that.

Thanks again for your feedback. :)
05-26-2010
Jennifer Williams

Quote:

Originally Posted by openyoureyes

I agree, though I think a part of it is family issues as well. I talked with my sister when I first found out, and her reaction was "You know the things he wants to call you in bed, right?" and it was like, "You think that's all he wants to do??" But it's not something I feel I can really discuss indepth with the people who are closest to me. One of my closest friends, who has even dabbled with BDSM had the reaction of "You need to get out of this relationship before it turns abusive" and it irks me that people assume just because you're in a BDSM relationship it means you're either a victim or an abuser.

Even though I *know* all of these things and don't think what I'm doing is wrong, it doesn't evoke good feelings to know I have to hide a part of myself from friends/family.

When I first started dating my little one, every single person I knew told me it wouldn't work because it was a rebound relationship (I was single for only a month after a three-year previous relationship). Except for my best friend. She gave me the best advice I ever got: "No one can tell you who your heart loves except yourself."

So the advice of friends and family, though useful to an extent, only goes so far. If you are happy, and he is happy, then don't listen to the rest of them.

I can understand how not talking about the BDSM aspect of your relationship might feel like "hiding"...but it isn't. As brwneydgirl pointed out with such clarity, you're just not talking about your bedroom life with them; it's not as if you're hiding your entire relationship with your boyfriend.

Quote:

After our last session he did ask me if I wanted to talk about what happened (it was the first time I'd been 'punished' for not doing what he told me to), but I told him I wasn't ready to talk about it yet. I find it very hard to articulate my feelings to him, especially when he is right there.

First, I think it's awesome that he's the one who came to you and asked you how you felt. He sounds like gold; hang on to him!

Second, sometimes it's hard to talk about things that are so new and could feel embarrassing or shameful or whatever. Try writing him a letter, or an e-mail, or as was suggested by someone somewhere, an IM conversation. Sometimes it can be so much easier to talk when you're not face-to-face. Eventually, the face-to-face will come.

Kudos to you, and keep at it!
05-27-2010
nawteeone

Quote:

Originally Posted by openyoureyes

I did have a conversation with my dad about where I made a comment about being lonely (after a break-up), to which he responded "You're not lonely, you're horny, you should stop confusing the two".

lmao! well, you should be a pro at handling humiliating situations!
05-27-2010
openyoureyes

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer Williams

First, I think it's awesome that he's the one who came to you and asked you how you felt. He sounds like gold; hang on to him!

Second, sometimes it's hard to talk about things that are so new and could feel embarrassing or shameful or whatever. Try writing him a letter, or an e-mail, or as was suggested by someone somewhere, an IM conversation. Sometimes it can be so much easier to talk when you're not face-to-face. Eventually, the face-to-face will come.

Kudos to you, and keep at it!

Thanks. We tried talking over IM chat yesterday and it was much easier to ask questions about things and convey what I was thinking without feeling silly/embarrassed. I definitely know he's one of the good ones, and I appreciate him taking the time to ask me how I'm feeling as my go-to reaction with bad feelings is to just internalize them.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nawteeone

lmao! well, you should be a pro at handling humiliating situations!

lol, with my family? Of course I do. :p I've had a long line of family/friends/boyfriends who enjoyed teasing me or getting a rise out of me because they liked how easily they could read it on my face.
05-29-2010
leo9

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer Williams

In all, from reading your posts, I would have to say that I think you're the "poster-child" for "the right way to start a brand-new BDSM relationship."

I'd say that goes for both you and your bf. You are both of you so doing all the right things that this thread is going to be required reading for newbies.

The only thing I can add to the good advice you've already had is where you say:

Quote:

How do I get over that feeling of shame for things that I do enjoy, but feel like I shouldn't?

D/s is made for this. The great thing about being a sub is that you're not responsible for what you do under your Dom's control: if you're a dirty little slut when you serve Him, that's because He made you act that way, there's no shame in it. And if you enjoy it as well, that's another thing to thank Him devotedly for.
05-29-2010
kurious25

This sounds oh so familiar to me. A few additional suggestions to add to the growing list of good advice you already have. Sir and I prefer the stoplight system to a single safe-word when trying new things and pushing boundaries. That way I can let him know where I'm at easily. We use yellow as a check-in point. Sir will check-in as we go along asking what color I'm at, and I can also call out a color at anytime if I need/want.

Another thing that helps me deal when things are really intense is good aftercare. I cannot talk about a session directly after, instead I found I needed to be petted and reaffirmed for awhile then left alone for a bit to process before I can talk it over. The aftercare part helps me separate in-session from not and also he makes sure to tell me how much he cares about me and how special I am to him during these times. We then talk after I've processed by myself and can explain better my experiences and he will ask questions and share his experience as well. When I was very new I found that hearing what he liked and got out of a session helped me let go and feel better about admitting what I liked without the shame. I mean what could be so wrong about having wonderful, hot, mutually fulfilling sex and playtime with someone you care about? Who cares what that playtime involves, as long as you are both happy that is all that matters.

It sounds as if you are finding your footing pretty well so far. All the best to the both of you, I hope you enjoy the journey. Feel free to message me if you want to talk more ever - kuri