An Emotional Connection

Do you need one for a successful D/s relationship?

I mean...I understand the point of "play-partners" or playing with someone at a club one time. No emotions involved (or at least just not anything extraordinarily deep) and each of you go your separate ways afterwards...no emails, no phone calls, no secret meetings in the park. And really, for someone who is married, this may sound like the ideal way to go. But is it?

We all talk about trust....and how trust is built over time and that trust is essential for a healthy BDSM D/s relationship. But with trust and "time" come emotions and feelings. What do you do when you find yourself starting to care what your D or s ate for breakfast or whether he or she thinks about you as much as you think about them? Now, what if your D is poly? And he or she has 1 or 2 (or more) others?

Will there always be a nagging need to keep a wall up between the two of you? And whose responsibility is it to maintain that wall...that separation? I presume it should be the responsibility of both parties involved...but then *really* letting go and allowing yourself to embrace your D/s role may be difficult.

Any feedback is much appreciated. Thanks!

An emotional connection - Do you need one for a successful D/s relationship?

I can only speak for myself and I think definately yes. I guess there will be those who, as you state, are looking for 'no strings'. But to me I would feel unable to bring pleasure unless I knew the person concerned and therefore had some attachement of some form.

I would advise against taking up with someone you knew little or nothing about for obvious reasons. I find in practice (online only I'm afraid) I find it hard to role play with someone I do not know. In fact I don't think I ever have (I know someone will shoot me down there, just can't think who).

I want to know as much as I can before I role play. Not only for emotional reasons but so I can use the right triggers and manipulate the correct reactions for the purpose I desire to create. For me at least it is intensly satisfying to 'get under the skin' of a person. I am convinced your most erogenous zone is your brain. For often if the brain can visualise it until it seems real it can have trouble telling the difference.

I cannot comment on poly Doms, as a rule I don't 'collect'. But it would seem to me that the person who had other partners is responsible for the 'walls'. That may be both partners of course. I do not object to a sub having other 'play' partners but that is more down to me feeling secure I think. As with all things communication is the key. as with all things letting can be difficult. We have to take a careful step and gradually make our way along the path we choose.

Regards and Mahalo - Dragon xxx

I do think, for a successful D/s relationship, an emotional connection needs to be there. At least for me, the emotional and mental aspects of any relationship are the most important, especially in a BDSM or D/s relationship. There are a lot of things in my current relationship where were there not an emotional connection, neither of us would be as open about our experiences and feelings, and I don't think either of us would be as willing to compromise with each other to find our perfect balance.

Without that emotional connection, it would just be a matter of filling a physical need. I may be wrong, but I think most people in a D/s relationship are looking for a deeper connection than something purely physical. From a submissive perspective, I think we're looking for an emotional connection where we feel in-tune with our partner and their needs, and trust them enough that we can fully give of ourselves. I could never fully give myself to anyone I didn't have a deep emotional connection with.

For myself, one of the differences between D/s and SM is precisely the emotional connection. Casual play-partners are fine for spanking and fucking, but when we play at being Master and slave then we both know it's only play. The real thing would come with learning each other, caring about each other. I feel that the slave needs to learn about the M as much as vice versa, to care about the M's wishes not just because that's what the role demands but because of who sie is and what sie means to the slave. (I'm reminded of Antoniou's comment that the perfection of slavery is anticipatory service, to do something or deliver something just before the Owner thought of commanding it.)

As for what you do when you find that that emotional connection has happened and it's a problem... in my case, when all attempts at compromise failed I left my wife, my home and my children. If you can't risk falling in that sort of love with your D/s partner, stick to casual playmates and don't spend too long with any of them. As we warn newbies in the poly scene, you can't put a condom on your heart.

Some excellent and well put responses here, wish I was so eloquent myself. For sure there has to be an emotional connection. How else can we ensure the doctrines of safe, sane and consensual unless on one level we have connected emotionally with our partner enabling one or other of us to feel able to relinquish control. Without that emotional bond we are at the mercy of the maniac or sadist.

But, we can achieve an emotional connection and level of trust and understanding without the deep and fulfilling love that we reserve for our life partner (if we choose to have one) which would be great if these were one and the same person.

I have heard it said, and I wholeheartedly agree, that "BDSM without emotional attachment and a deep relationship isn't BDSM at all; it's just kinky sex."

I think those words were uttered by the great and powerful Oz, actually.

As for poly relationships, if I was ever do be involved in one, it would be the opposite of walls- there would have to be no walls, between all of the partners. The only way I would see it working (for myself) would be to have complete honesty and trust between all partners involved, and since two people have a hard enough time doing this, I imagine it would only get harder as more people were added.

I also think the idea of it extremely delicious. : D

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Originally Posted by brwneydgirl

We all talk about trust....and how trust is built over time and that trust is essential for a healthy BDSM D/s relationship. But with trust and "time" come emotions and feelings. What do you do when you find yourself starting to care what your D or s ate for breakfast or whether he or she thinks about you as much as you think about them? Now, what if your D is poly? And he or she has 1 or 2 (or more) others?

Will there always be a nagging need to keep a wall up between the two of you? And whose responsibility is it to maintain that wall...that separation? I presume it should be the responsibility of both parties involved...but then *really* letting go and allowing yourself to embrace your D/s role may be difficult.

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Having just recently left just such a situation, I'll agree with much of what you've said. Time spent intimately in a D/s relationship, getting to know each other, building trust, does open you to that emotional component. And those feelings can run even deeper than the physical or mental sides of the partnership.

It's important to think about where you want the relationship to go and also to discuss it with your D/s counterpart. This may mean putting those walls up to keep it from going farther/deeper than you're prepared to take it. Does limiting the depth of that emotional connection also prevent you from letting go fully? Yes, probably. But your feelings may grow beyond your original plans even if you try to manage them.

In regards to the poly dom aspect, that can get even more tricky. If you know he (or she) already has other long-term relationship(s), you have to be cautious about what level of emotional connection he can make with you. In my experience, it wasn't establishing the emotional connection that was the problem - that just happened on both our parts. It was after those feelings were in play and the relationship seemed to be going along well for all parties that he decided to focus his time & attention on just one sub. So I would say the key is not just starting the emotional connection but sustaining those feelings across all of the involved parties.

Yes, it can and does happen without an emotional connection. There are a lot of relationships, BDSM or vanilla, sexual or platonic, that are simply "you get what you want and I get what I want and that's all there is to it."

Play parties, the existence of Pro Dom/mes, porn for that matter - it all points to the fact that this stuff is out there without a level of romance, commitment, or shared emotional depth. It still carries are the basic elements of BDSM in just the same way as a one night stand is still as much intercourse as the sex between a married couple that has been in love and together for years.

Would I want it that way, m'self? Nah, not really. The switches just don't flip for me the same way. I've dipped the occasional toe in to test the waters of this type of BDSM interaction and it's simply not my style.

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Originally Posted by DowntownAmber

Yes, it can and does happen without an emotional connection... Play parties, the existence of Pro Dom/mes, porn for that matter - it all points to the fact that this stuff is out there without a level of romance, commitment, or shared emotional depth. It still carries are the basic elements of BDSM in just the same way as a one night stand is still as much intercourse as the sex between a married couple that has been in love and together for years.

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I'm going to disagree here, as I think the examples provided are more encounters than relationships. The point of having a one-night stand or a play scene with a stranger at a party is that there is no relationship inherent in either situation. Therefore, they would fall outside the OP's question.

Yes, you can have BDSM without an emotional connection but having someone beat you at a party doesn't mean you're in a relationship with that person. I also think it speaks more to the difference between top/bottom & dom/sub dynamics. I'm not trying to start a definition war! Let alone saying one is better or more right than the other. But the original question was fairly specific in regards to D/s relationships that had gone on long enough to establish trust & feelings over time, not brief encounters.

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Originally Posted by StormKat

I'm going to disagree here, as I think the examples provided are more encounters than relationships. The point of having a one-night stand or a play scene with a stranger at a party is that there is no relationship inherent in either situation. Therefore, they would fall outside the OP's question.

Yes, you can have BDSM without an emotional connection but having someone beat you at a party doesn't mean you're in a relationship with that person. I also think it speaks more to the difference between top/bottom & dom/sub dynamics. I'm not trying to start a definition war! Let alone saying one is better or more right than the other. But the original question was fairly specific in regards to D/s relationships that had gone on long enough to establish trust & feelings over time, not brief encounters.

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I was thinking more along the lines of play parties with the same group of people over time, extentions of munch groups and the like. To nitpick it, however, would indeed cause a definition war...lol What is a relationship, and so on. If we assume a relationship already means an emotional connection, then the question is moot, etc.

Anyhoo, this kinda' boils down to me to the oft asked, "can you have just friends with benefits?" vanilla query.

For me, same answer: yeah, you can, but a) it's unlikely for it to stay that way for one or both partners, and b) still not my style.

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Originally Posted by StormKat

In regards to the poly dom aspect, that can get even more tricky. If you know he (or she) already has other long-term relationship(s), you have to be cautious about what level of emotional connection he can make with you. In my experience, it wasn't establishing the emotional connection that was the problem - that just happened on both our parts.

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I believe the emotional connection is already there for me. It's more a question of ....how deep do I want to let it get...or how deep does it need to be in order for both of us to feel fulfilled and actually enjoy our interactions.

Guilt is an issue (for both of us...moreso on my part, I think). And, if I can be perfectly honest, I do feel a bit of jealousy about the other girls. Some of them have been with him for years. He claims that none is the "alpha sub" and that he has an emotional connection to all of them on some level. I just don't know if I can/should let myself get any deeper than I already have here....I'm not sure I can accept this level of poly.

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Originally Posted by brwneydgirl

I just don't know if I can/should let myself get any deeper than I already have here....I'm not sure I can accept this level of poly.

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Would it be possible to take a break of some sort? Maybe a week or so to be apart, to analyze your feelings, needs, wants, etc. and then come to a decision on whether you are indeed in too deep, or if you are able to handle things?

I know myself and for me there must be an emotional connection. I am in my first BDSM relatoinship but even in my past (vanilla) relationships I could not be physically intimate with someone unless I felt that emotional connection with my partner. I feel that because of the fact that what my Dom and I do sexually is far more intense and varied and requires far more trust than sex with a vanilla partner I need the emotional connection with him even more than I did before.

What occurs to me about this question is a little bit of psychological wordplay... a lot of people have mentioned emotions and trust, more or less in the same sentence. A lot of lifestylers talk about respect as well. The impression I seem to get is that these three things are believed to be tied together, almost to the extent of being the same thing - you cannot have one without the other.

Is this really the case? I think it is worth analysing it in more detail....

Casual play. We've all done it. Even if it is only vanilla sex. Even if it is only 'going on a date with someone to see how it goes and never calling them back'. Sometimes thats all it is - a casual, one night stand. However, quite often, you go on a second date, have sex again, let them tie you up once more. This leads to a third date, a fourth... At what point does 'casual play' become a 'relationship'? Every relationship begins with a casual arrangement.

You could argue that a relationship starts when the emotions kick in, when you start to love and respect them. But can you accurately pinpoint when this occurs? I think for BDSM it may well happen a lot sooner than you may think because one thing BDSM is built on is trust and trust requires respect and some inkling of a relationship. Before you can trust someone enough to put your life in thier hands, you have to know them pretty darn well and that is a relationship - however slight it may seem on an emotional level.

And this is not limited to those in the lifestyle. I have a very good relationship with a Pro Mistress. Its not a sexual relationship (for all that she has explored a part of me no other woman has yet been...) nor is it anything romantic. However, I have what I would call a very good friendship with her - a relationship built on mutual respect and trust. I believe many of the repeat clients of some of the better Pro Dommes feel the same way about thier Mistress and many would not consider going to another because they would not have this relationship with her.

Something to think about and discuss in this topic, I think: How casual is casual play really?

As for the Poly issue, these relationships do need a lot of care and attention. I have several friends who are in the poly lifestyle and therefore often get descriptions of how they organise their lives and it is very structured and complicated. There are rules and boundaries which must be adhered to because crossing that line may well lead to jealousy and emotions and break ups. At the start of every poly relationship, or when a new member joins a relationship, it is necessary to sit down with all involved and discuss the rules and boundaries - the schedules of who does what with who and when. It also has to be recognised that everyone in the relationship has an equal emotional investment in it and therefore deserves equal time. You can even go so far as to draw up a timetable. This step can eliminate many problems.

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Originally Posted by DowntownAmber

If we assume a relationship already means an emotional connection, then the question is moot

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This.

Also, brwneydgirl.. just out of curiosity.. You say that you're not sure you're ready for this level of poly. But what I'm wondering is, are you fulfilling what you would ideally want? Or are you simply taking what kink you can get your hands on since it is hard to come by?

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Originally Posted by brwneydgirl

Do you need one for a successful D/s relationship?

We all talk about trust....and how trust is built over time and that trust is essential for a healthy BDSM D/s relationship. But with trust and "time" come emotions and feelings. What do you do when you find yourself starting to care what your D or s ate for breakfast or whether he or she thinks about you as much as you think about them? Now, what if your D is poly? And he or she has 1 or 2 (or more) others?

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Personally I need and want the emotional connection. I've tried casual play and it is unfulfilling for me similarly to how casual sex has always been unfulfilling for me. Partly I think the development of trust for me stems from the emotional bond. I need to care about the other person before I can drop my guard and allow myself to feel submissive to them. I need to feel they care for me on some level before I feel safe to be as vulnerable as I believe necessary to access my submissive nature to any significant degree.

I am an affectionate person in general and so once an emotional bond starts to form with a dominant and I can begin to feel genuine affection for them when we match up well. When that happens those feelings only tend to deepen as the relationship goes forward. I don't find it at all threatening if my dominant does not return my feelings in the same degree. I just need to feel assurance that she does feel affection for me on some level so that I can feel that I am accepted for who I am and can feel comfortable dropping my guard and allowing her to see me for who I am without any pretenses.

As far as the poly issue, I can and actually have dealt with that without any problems. I'm not in that sort of circumstance at present but if my current Mistress were to develop feelings for another, as long as she made me feel I was still important to her within the context of our relationship and that there was no change as far as how she felt about me, the simple fact of her being involved with another person or even more than one would neither dampen the tender feelings I have for her nor cause me to rethink my willingness to submit to her.

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Originally Posted by serviam

as long as she made me feel I was still important to her within the context of our relationship and that there was no change as far as how she felt about me, the simple fact of her being involved with another person or even more than one would neither dampen the tender feelings I have for her nor cause me to rethink my willingness to submit to her.

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I'm one of 6. I'm not sure I understand how one person can be emotionally attached to 6 people...I mean, I understand that he's attached to us on different levels...but I'm just having a hard time with it, I guess.

And, in addition to the "emotional attachment" issue...I'm not sure how one person can have TIME for 6 women. Just a little confused about the whole thing, really.

Well there are people who are only play-partners ... they're probably friends and it's not like these people are having sex or in a relationship with each other. It's like "I'll play with this person because I know them/trust them and they know what they're doing etc." and this is what I see at play parties.

Personally I don't like to play with someone unless I'm in a relationship with them because D/s is such an emotional thing for me. I love to watch my Dom play with other people ^_^ I pull up a chair and grab some food and watch hehehe. Maybe it's just my local kink community but people here know each other well from munches and stuff and when we see each other at play parties, there's not much awkwardness to go up to someone and say "hey, I like your play style, wanna play with me?" Playing doesn't = sex especially since my local kink community hosts half our parties at a location which prohibits sex.

I believe there's a difference between play partners and 'people I've played with' ... like my Dom has played with this one subbie boy we both are friends with on several occasions at play parties but we wouldn't call him a 'play partner'

brwneydgirl maybe your Dom just has 6 subs that he enjoys playing with and it's not really a matter of 'making time' for all of them but having a list of people he's comfortable dominating.