Sub, Dom, or .....?

I have observed that as my Domme (wife) and I work at developing our new D/s relationship, I occasionally feel a need to assume the dominant role in our play. I have not done so, but the need is definitely there, and I am beginning to realize that I would enjoy both roles in our D/S relationship. Although I am definitely the submissive and my wife definitely the dominant in our relationship, number of years ago, before we initiated an actual D/s lifestyle, we enjoyed taking turns binding and domming one another. I am concerned that if we are both switches (my wife with a need to occasionally be submissive and I to occasionally be dominant), and we lock ourselves into fixed roles, our D/S relationship is not going to satisfy our true needs.

I assume that others might be in the same quandary, so I would like to pose this question to Forum readers: Should anyone feel compelled to take one role or the other if they believe themselves or their partner to be a switch?

If you are a switch, are you satisfied with only one role and why? If you are not satisfied with only one role, how do you implement the switch from dominant to submissive or vice versa? For example, if a partner who is normally a sub feels a need to be dominant, how does he communicate that need to the dominant and how does the dominant respond? The same question holds for the dominant--how does the dominant make it clear to the sub that she wishes the sub to dom her? I assume the sub must obtain permission from the domme (who could withhold it as punishment) but that the domme need only order the sub to assume the temporary role of dominant, which she requires for her pleasure. No matter what, I assume that clear guidelines and limits would always be required.

steve

I found that though I am a sub I can be masochistic and sadist, so I will enjoy the sadist side of BDSM, therefore I can be a switch in some ways to be able to exert the sadist part of me by becoming a Dom.

You just need to talk things through with your Dom, decide on whether she would want to have a relationship being a Dom or sub, then choose what to do about it. Tell a night when you might want to be dominant and her submissive. Then vice versa. Whatever works for you really in the time scale, then decide on that, change it as you wish. You decide on an hour for you to be dominant, then in the next hour submissive, that way you will aviod the confusuion of you both trying to be Doms or subs. :)

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Originally Posted by Kaori-san

You just need to talk things through with your Dom, decide on whether she would want to have a relationship being a Dom or sub, then choose what to do about it. Tell a night when you might want to be dominant and her submissive. Then vice versa. Whatever works for you really in the time scale, then decide on that, change it as you wish. You decide on an hour for you to be dominant, then in the next hour submissive, that way you will aviod the confusuion of you both trying to be Doms or subs. :)

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Steve, this makes great sense to me, too.

I'd add that I don't think I would be a very good Dom if I didn't occasionally switch to live the other part. Experiencing a caning or flogging is important for someone who is giving one. As for every other part of the experience.

The problem for me and my submissive is that neither of us is a switch .... so the change in role seems more like game-playing to both of us. But if you really are able to switch with your Domme and both truly able to get into the role, the experience should not only be telling but fulfilling for both of you.

Someday I want to negotiate a full weekend in switched roles, just to live it rather than just play a scene. I'm sure this would be exhausting for both of us.

her_Joe

DH is dominant IRL and I'm more easy going. I don't really like to say I'm submissive IRL, but most things don't bother me enough to really worry about.

Because DH is so dominant, has lots of responsibilities at work, etc, he truly needs to be dominated to be happy. It relieves a lot of stress to let someone else handle things for a while. But, in play, his natural dominance can creep out, so sometimes he does a lot of topping from the bottom. Doesn't satisfy his need quite as much and can tick me off immensely, but still enjoyable.

I'm happy either way, some days I want to be in control, some days I want to be out of control. I struggled a long time with what you're struggling with, the "how can I be dominant sometimes if I'm submissive sometimes?" I definitely can't be dominant the same night after being the sub, but I can go from domme to sub in the same night. Completely wiped out from last night of double duty :). And we're just now getting to where we can really communicate without a lot of confusion. We sometimes cross up and both want to be dominant or both want to be subs and that rarely works out to satisfying both.

We're not and never have been that rigid in our roles. We don't get into asking permission or punishment for wanting, etc. I think you are just starting out in your D/s part of your marriage. So talk about it. Or simply give a command or set a scene and see if she responds.

I don't know if I'm helping or not, but just remember ya'll are in it for the long haul. One night's confusion will not destroy a good relationship. This is supposed to be fun. :p