“Breaking up is hard to do”

As things happen in my life I can’t help myself to wonder how others handle or would handle the situation(s). My relationship with my Master ended a few days ago, we were together a good amount of time and have accumulated a lot of toys and clothing to use. Now the main thing to me was my collar, obviously He gave me the collar, and we always referred to it as His collar, but in my mind I guess I always figured it was my collar. So he comes over one day and we have a little argument about a lot of things, we sit and talk and decide we are not working out together. So he then starts to gather all of the things he has ever given me that have to do with sex or a BDSM aspect. I wasn’t wearing my collar at this time, I had on the necklace he gave me since he didn’t put my collar on yet, so he goes into my bedroom and takes it off my night stand. He went into my closet and took some of the outfits he or myself bought during our relationship, he took the ropes he keep hidden around my room and under my bed, and he took some of the toys we got while we were together. Now at the time I was kind of in shock and didn’t really think about the fact he was taking all of this stuff. After he left and I sat down and was thinking about it I got pretty pissed. Then I tried to reason with myself why he took the things he did. But then I started to wonder why he wanted to take them, and would I even have wanted to keep everything. So I am wondering how others feel about things like this when they break up? Who gets the collar? Would you even want to keep it? What about all the other toys and fun things? I guess it does depend a lot on the relationship and how the relationship ended and if one wants to remember it by having a collar laying around.

My sincere regrets for you on your break-up. It has to be a deep hurt. Seems he added to it all by the way he left. I don't wish to be offensive or disrespectful in any way, but it seems to me that he was being petty and just plain mean. Taking those items without even getting your input and discussing how it might affect you is just wrong, on so many levels. I can appreciate that emotions were running in high gear, but he should have waited until things calmed down then perhaps been decent enough to ask about it all? As for the toys, those were gifts, very personal gifts. You don't take those back!And maybe you wanted to keep the collar, maybe you wanted to throw it in his face, I don't know. But it was your collar. My opinion, I don't think he had the right to take it from you. No surprise you got pissed. But please don't stay angry. Not at him anyway. Use your feelings on something much more worth you, okay?

I imagine these words don't help the hurt so much. I wish they could.

~hug~
tessa

well, I don't mind if I'm disrepectful to this guy. You just don't take back toys or outfits. That's absurd. I'm sure his new sub will be thrilled when he presents her with used toys. The collar I see as a less clear issue since that is a symbol of the relationship. But you also indicated he took items which you purchased - seems to me that is theft.

fantassy

violetgem, I am sorry to hear that you are going through a rough time. I wish you success and hapiness as you move forward.

As for the gentleman in question, it definitely sounds petty to me. When breaking up, I have always gone with the rule that possession is nine-tenths of the law, and people generally keep whatever happens to be at their place at the time. Unless of course, an item has extreme sentimental or monetary value.

I admit that your collar is a little tricky. It is "His" collar as it symbolized his ownership of you. But he gave it to you. I don't think it was right for him to take it back....besides, what is he going to do with it? I certainly wouldn't want to be presented with a second-hand collar.

Whenever I have broken up with someone, I immediately gathered up anything that reminded me of them, and put them in a box. Gifts, pictures, or anything they may have left behind. The box gets stored away out of sight until the hurt starts to fade, and I am strong enough to go through it and either throw out, or start using, the contents.

*gentle warm hug* So sorry to hear about your break-up. There aren't any words to say to take away the heart ache you must be experiencing. I can only hope that time will gently ease the pain.

I have to agree with what has already been said though, gifts are just that...gifts. You don't take them back regardless of what happens later in the relationship. If he had been keeping things at your place that belonged to him, then yes, he would have the right to take them (such as gifts that you had presented to him).

IMO, it is extremely bad taste and very immature to take back a gift that has been given to someone. If it were something very sentimental (such as a collar), it should be discussed between both parties to decide who should be the one to keep it. Despite how he may have been feeling at that time, his behavior was selfish, cruel and heartless.

*sigh*

Always a difficult situation. The collar is kind of like an engagement ring... how would you handle that?

The rest... seems to me he is being very petty... and he really thought of you as some kind of chattel...

You'll obviously be better off without him... I hope you find someone more worthy of you violet.

I dont think there is anything I can add which hasn't already been said

I know how raw and how much pain you must be in now, but I promise time does make it a little easier- never easy and certainly not quick. The tears will get you at the strangest times but know that freinds here will always listen

If you need to talk, rant, cry or vent then please you know where I am

thinking of you and ~soft gentle hugs~

minx xx

Really feel sorry for you here Violetgem. His actions seem to have been designed to inflict pain, and they have clearly succeeded.

I remember reading some UK case law in which the ownership an engagement ring was decided, and I can't remember which way the decision went. The counter argument against the lady retaining the ring was that it was a token of a contract and the contract had been broken.

However I do not feel that looking to your 'rights' is going to help your healing which is what you should be focused on. He has taken what he has taken, and clearly drawn a line under the past.

I wish for your sake he had not done it in the way he did, but at least you know exactly where you stand. Forgive him to the utmost of your ability, so he does not continue to hurt you, cry, scream, rant, kick, sob, and finally, when you are ready, start to rebuild.

You are worthy of someone better than him - and I wish you joy in finding that right person.

Hugs
cariad

oh heck..not good

I totally agree with everything everyone has said above me. seems very petty and selfish.
as for the situation with ur collar....is a hard one....same as who gets the engagement ring when u split (tho normally the man has pissed the lassie off and she throws it back at him lol) but normally..u would keep it.

but...looking on the brightside...u have now seen a totally different side to him and a side which seems to be selfish. would you want to be with a man like that for the rest of your life?

He was not worthy to have you as his sub.....

the hurt and shock will pass and u will b able to carry on with your life and find urself in the presence of a Master who has earned ur respect...till then be strong...smiles

hugz if u wish them
cg
xx

Sending you a hug violetgem as I very much understand some of your pain only too well at the moment. I sort of wish I didn't have my collar right now as to see it causes so much pain but I know it was a gift only for me and I would be more hurt if I thought someone else would be wearing it one day. As for taking the other things, I think he was taking advantage of his Dominant position in the relationship to help himself to what he wanted and it was not only tactless but also cruel. From this sort of behaviour it looks like you may well be better rid of him, though that doesn't make it easier. Anger is a better place to heal yourself from than guilt or sorrow.

I hope you take care of yourself and heal fast.

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He was not worthy to have you as his sub.....

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This sums up my thoughts...
if he considered all these things as his.. and he acted as he did.. he doesn't deserve much at all.

Sorry to hear that things did not work out for you.
I know a few of you are not going to agree ( maybe a lot of you) but the collar belongs to the Master.
It is not the girls.The collar was placed around the girls neck as a sign of ownership. He allowed her to wear it. he did not give her it.
if it was hers then she would be collared to her self..
it was not an engagement ring . That by the way only means a promise to marry. its not a ownership ring.The collar belongs to the Master he may put it on another girl if he so wishes to. it is a sign that HE owns her. she is his property. The COLLAR IS NOT A GIFT

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Originally Posted by ***Kate***

Sorry to hear that things did not work out for you.
I know a few of you are not going to agree ( maybe a lot of you) but the collar belongs to the Master.
It is not the girls.The collar was placed around the girls neck as a sign of ownership. He allowed her to wear it. he did not give her it.
if it was hers then she would be collared to her self..
it was not an engagement ring . That by the way only means a promise to marry. its not a ownership ring.The collar belongs to the Master he may put it on another girl if he so wishes to. it is a sign that HE owns her. she is his property. The COLLAR IS NOT A GIFT

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Kate

I think your opinion about the collar will be the same as many others on here and I do in fact agree with it also on many levels. When I spoke of my collar being a gift I was only speaking of my relationship and not in general terms as my Master was never a Master before and nor was I ever a slave before and we chose that path together as part of our whole relationship, which was bigger than any roles we chose to play within it.

The collar is a strong symbol of "ownership" and it seems right that when that ceases to be that the collar is taken back, however the main issue I think in violetgems case is that her rights for any say or input into that were taken from her and yes she may not have an right at all to the collar but she may have had to the the other items.

I have always worried about what people perceive to be the "right" and "wrong" way to live and act within their D/s relationships but I suppose the bottom line is that it it is different for everyone so thus the expectations when it ends will also be different.

It would be hard for anyone in violetgems position to not be emotionally hurt by the act of having her collar taken back or the thought of it been given to another, it is natural to feel this way.

The strongest and most vital tool we have within this life choice is open communication and when that is removed the chances are that one party may well be hurt, as I think is the case here.

~Maybe still a touch emotional at the moment to have been replying in this thread so I apologise if i seem a bit highly strung right now~

I would agree that the collar is the property of the Dominate. And when i seperated from my last Master we had a long discussion about my collar and what was to become of it. Ultimately i was allowed to keep it with the promise it would never be worn again. (And it hasn't been but is tucked away for safe keeping.) He couldn't see anyone else wearing it and it was such a strong reminder to the growth i had experienced from the relationship i hated to not have it.

Think the major difference is i at least had a say in it. Had he taken it back i would have been ok with that too, because i was given the chance for closure in a way and it wasn't just taken, with other items, out of spit, anger, etc.

As to him taking toys. Think that shows what type of man he is... so better to move on, even as painful as it is now, because it would/could be worse later! Not that i'm saying he wasn't entitled to some of the toys... but that again should have been a two way communication to determine.

Hugsssss... hang in there... give yourself time...

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Originally Posted by ladygstar

Kate

she may not have an right at all to the collar but she may have had to the the other items.

~Maybe still a touch emotional at the moment to have been replying in this thread so I apologise if i seem a bit highly strung right now~

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Agree with you ladygstar. The other items yes they should have talked about who gets what.

smiles touch emotinal... well emotinal or not its how you see it. and for me to read what you wrote I thought that it was a good responds. I so like that people on here say it how they see it.

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Originally Posted by ***Kate***

I so like that people on here say it how they see it.

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Me too, thats why I keep coming back

Without knowing the other side of the story, because there are always two sides, I would have to say in my opinion he was very petty. It may not be the same but I have walked from bank accounts, a car, and a house without any arguments at all about her keeping them just to get away. Of course I'm speaking of a divorce but still there are similarities. The way he took the items you mention seems to me was done just to be vengeful and mean.

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Originally Posted by Warbaby1943

Without knowing the other side of the story, because there are always two sides, I would have to say in my opinion he was very petty. It may not be the same but I have walked from bank accounts, a car, and a house without any arguments at all about her keeping them just to get away. Of course I'm speaking of a divorce but still there are similarities. The way he took the items you mention seems to me was done just to be vengeful and mean.

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shallow comes to mind

I would suspect that the motivation to take back a collar is only to inflict pain. What would he do with it after?

Let me tell you... if I was offered a collar that had been worn by another... I wouldn't accept it.

I think Master and I must be very "old school" because our understanding is that if, for any reason, (and I pray that will never happen) I beg him to release me or he feels a need to release me, that his collar and his cuff are his; to be returned to him. They were his, they are his, and they are his to do with as he pleases. That was the understanding and total agreement from the beginning. Anything else that exchanged hands were gifts, and for us to keep.
***HUGS*** to you and you are in my warm thoughts and my prayers to find happiness again. "Peace" ~blizz~

bliz... exactly right because you discussed it beforehand. The token of ownership which actually represents your gift of power to him... probably should remain with him... regardless of how or when the collar (and, in your case, cuffs) were obtained and 'exchanged'.

Likewise, all else are chattel-gifts. Such gifts from dom to sub should remain with the sub. Such gifts from sub to dom remain with the dom.

I think we're all pretty much in agreement... but am interested to hear any other takes on this.

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Originally Posted by Ozme52

I think we're all pretty much in agreement... but am interested to hear any other takes on this.

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I agree with all you said. The big difference here is, as you said, they discussed it ahead of time. That makes all the difference in my opinion.

Just saw this thread and thought i would throw in my opinion, after all, that is why I am here.

From my point of view I would agree that the collar is yours, and the only way it belongs to him is if you walk away form the relationship. From your description this is not what happened, so you should have had the choice as to what to do with the collar.

As for the ohter items, that was definately petty, and I would asay that you are probably better offf without him in your life. Take some time and heal, and then go find yourself a new Master that will treat you the way you should be treated.

This is just my opinion based on past experiences.

First I think the guy was a wannabee poser without much honor.

I have never asked for a collar back because I gave it to her as a symbol of my ownership and her love for me. It would be like asking for a wedding ring back only a more important symbol then that.

I have been given back a collar or two and that was her choice part of her need to show her sense of anger and hurt. What should I do with it hang in on a wall as a symbol of failure, I don't think so. I make cuffs for any sub that has chosen to serve, they are hers made for her to be part of her. Once given I have no claim on them and would refuse to take them back.

Toys are hers in todays day and age of STDs I would never insult or endanger a new sub/slave with ones that have been in or on another. What kind of protector would I be to do that.

It may have been fun at one for the two of you but I agree that you are much better off with him. Find a real honorable honest Dom one that will respect you, honor you, have pride in you for giving your gift, and one that respects and treasures you.

Russell

the knight errant or errant knight I can't decide

First off, totally off topic of my thread here, but i want to say how much i love this place. I think it is so great how how we can all have different opinions or view points on things but we still all can respect each other and where people are coming from even if we don't agree. And thank you all so much for the support and warm words. I think if he just took the collar i would be more hurt, but because he had to bring it to a level of taking other things i am thinking either he wanted to piss me off or hurt me which is not something i am looking for. I am wondering what he will do with everything he took, including the collar. What could someone do with such things, as some of you have said, i really hope not offer it to another girl (that would just be sad).

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Originally Posted by Sir_Russell

This is just my opinion based on past experiences.

First I think the guy was a wannabee poser without much honor.

I have never asked for a collar back because I gave it to her as a symbol of my ownership and her love for me. It would be like asking for a wedding ring back only a more important symbol then that.

I have been given back a collar or two and that was her choice part of her need to show her sense of anger and hurt. What should I do with it hang in on a wall as a symbol of failure, I don't think so. I make cuffs for any sub that has chosen to serve, they are hers made for her to be part of her. Once given I have no claim on them and would refuse to take them back.

Toys are hers in todays day and age of STDs I would never insult or endanger a new sub/slave with ones that have been in or on another. What kind of protector would I be to do that.

It may have been fun at one for the two of you but I agree that you are much better off with him. Find a real honorable honest Dom one that will respect you, honor you, have pride in you for giving your gift, and one that respects and treasures you.

Russell

the knight errant or errant knight I can't decide

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i couldn't have said it better.

~big hugs to violetgem~ you are far better off hun. i agree that it was his right to take the collar back, but i can't for the life of me figure out why he would want to do that...other than to hurt you. i love my bracelet and anklet Master gave me and it breaks my heart to think of him taking them back or perhaps even giving them to someone else to wear. i can only imagine how much it has to hurt you. it's good though, that you know how petty and childish he is now...instead of later on down the road. now you can focus on not giving him the satisfaction of hurting you. ~smiles~ good luck sweetie.

I know I'm new here, but I just wanted to offer my sympathies - I had something very similar happen to me in a previous relationship where he "kept" a substantial portion of my wardrobe, including everything that was "slutty" - this was a minor financial setback at the time as it was going into summer. I must admit I didn't turn the other cheek - I "lost" a couple items that had a lot of sentimental value to him to get even.

Okay so I do have a point here and it's that these things can often get really ugly, as I'm sure you know. Perhaps it was petty of him, or selfish, or anything else - it may be true; I don't know the situation and I won't try to insult someone I've never talked to. But most people here are right in that you're probably better off now, especially in the long run.

I found it emotionally helpful to try to remember the good times about the relationship, the times before the break up that made you happy and brought you joy - remaining compassionate and understanding that these actions very likely are coming from a place of hurting, insecurity, and lashing out. It's hard to do, but it makes you feel a lot better than dwelling on how much he has hurt you. (I'm NOT saying these feelngs aren't valid or you shouldn't let yourself experience them, merely cautioning against dwelling on it)

A thought I had when you said you wonder what he'll do with them - he very well might put them in a box somewhere and bring them out occasionally and cry over them, or something similar. (I found out for a fact this is what my ex did with the stuff he "kept")

I hope something I've said might help you and even if not ... know these words are coming from someone who, even if her advice is wrong, feels very badly for the difficulties you're going through and hopes things will work out for you.