Write a story or scene with this as your opening.
The silk sheets were cool on her back. She nibbled on her lower lip, pondering, "How long will he make me wait this time?"
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Write a story or scene with this as your opening.
The silk sheets were cool on her back. She nibbled on her lower lip, pondering, "How long will he make me wait this time?"
The silk sheets were cool on her back. She nibbled on her lower lip, pondering, "How long will he make me wait this time?" Probably longer than last time. Christine breathed a heavy sigh and craned her neck to try and see the clock. She’d only been waiting 30 minutes. “Great,” she mumbled under her breath followed by an exasperated sigh. That meant at least another 30 minutes tied here, if not longer. Times like these, she had learned, were best spent on pleasant memories, or she would drive herself stir-crazy staring at the ceiling.
She doesn’t mean to be impatient; she was just a spoiled child, with three brothers much older than herself who doted on her every moment. Before they had children of their own they showered their cute little sister with attention and frills. One brother bought her lovely dresses and another gave her a chance to wear them, whether it was a nice restaurant or a particularly grown up get together. The youngest made sure she was tough enough to stand up for herself and be able to fight off all the boys and men who were not as nice as her brothers were. She joined the same Tae Kwan Do School that he had gone to and he coached her through softball and swimming competitions. Her brothers all moved on to successful careers and she followed in their footsteps.
Then there came love. She had a lot of fun in high school going to dances, the prom, a party or two. She lost her virginity graduation night to a cute young man she knew on the swim team. He was clumsy and nervous but she knew it wasn’t going to be great the first time around, her friends told her so.
So went the rest of her subsequent boyfriends. Awkward men, often virgins, polite gentlemen all, intelligent and kind, but after a month or so, they were absolutely boring. The same positions, the same fantasies already worked out and sometimes even caught on camera and that was the highest form of kink they got into. They could be passionate, get all the right spots a woman loves, and she would return generously. The real problem when she finally thought it through was she felt like she was dating her brothers. There was something perverted about that. When you’re on your hands and knees getting a good fuck from behind and suddenly have your big brother’s face in your head, well that ends things pretty quick.
“Dammit, 15 more minutes,” she grumbled. And her mind wandered back again.
Frustrated at the latest fuck-alike breakup and feeling a bit bitchy one day at work, she was introduced to Tom, a new recruit. She showed him around the office and he would be under her wing for his first project there, learning the ropes. There was no stirring in her belly, no heart leaping, no quivering lip at some stud who appeared before her. Nope. Tom was a polite, kind, intelligent, man in his early thirties. No looks that whisked your thoughts away to a tropical island or perfect teeth, just a run-of-the-mill big brother look-alike. Her adoration to her brothers had never stopped, but copycat boyfriends most certainly had.
She wasn’t looking for a rebel in leather and spikes driving on a Harley either. Though the sex might be more interesting with one. She shook the thoughts from her head when Tom interrupted them. “Do you think we could go over the last part of the process tonight over dinner. I’m still not understanding it and I don’t want to hold up your work for tomorrow.” He was so straightforward and matter of fact she agreed.
They went out to dinner and picked a particularly large table with a semi-circle booth so they could sit next to each other and spread out the paperwork. Paperwork moved to paperwork, dinner moved into casual conversation, conversation turned to school, hobbies, parents, relationships; wine turned into more conversation about relationships and then Christine noticed a little tightening in her gut, and a little flutter between her legs. Probably the wine she thought. She smiled remembering their first few dates. He didn’t nervously dote on her. It was as simple as that. That’s why she was first attracted to him.
Thank goodness, she thought, when Tom walked in just as her back started to sweat on the sheets. Her arms were getting uncomfortable, and she smiled when he untied her. “You’ve waited long enough,” he said. “Go pee and when you get back we’ll see if you’ve learned your lesson about being impatient with Master.” Christine pouted, that meant as she had suspected, her lesson wasn’t finished. She lingered in the bathroom longer than she should have.
“For keeping me waiting your time to wait will be extended and you will be more uncomfortable, love.” She lay back down on the soft sheet. “Nope, turn over, hands and knees.” Handcuffs fitted to her wrists would keep her from moving them too far from each other. A vibrator was strapped on and placed inside her vagina on a slow, steady rhythm, and a smaller one for her ass. “Squeeze it all in, love. Don’t want anything to fall out,” he said with a final smack on her cheek. She criss-crossed her ankles and they were tied together. “All set,” Tom said, and turned to leave. Just as he stepped out he put his head back in and smilingly mentioned, “Oh, and darling? Don’t cum. You have to wait for that as well.”
Christine’s head slumped over. She loved getting it in both holes, but more waiting for him, and no cumming, she let out quietly, “shit”. She didn’t know Tom was still there at the door, “Was that a cuss word I heard?” She groaned quietly, she would have plenty of time to reminisce, take her mind off what her body will be going through, because she just tripled her punishment.
Mishka,
i have read this and really liked it. However, since weekends are a bit hectic on my end, i will have to wait for Monday for an in-depth review. But this is really good.
rose
kitten,
Just wanted to let everyone know that I am happy to finally see you here. I will refrain from critiquing you here thoough as we can always chat in private. I do like the story, and the characters are really strong.
Hello and welcome to the Block, Mishka :-)
Bravo! on your first assignment. As Rhabbi already mentioned, your characterization of Christine is very good. You quickly paint a vivid image of her.
There are a couple of technical faults here and there, but I'll leave Muse to discuss those with you. The one criticism I will make is, your transition from Christine's reverie to Tom's return is very abrupt. I had to read this line twice:
Thank goodness, she thought, when Tom walked in just as her back started to sweat on the sheets.
The first time I read it, I thought it was a continuation of the reverie. An easy way to fix this is to precede that line with something that alerts the reader of a scene change -- from Christine's thoughts back to the room in which she's tied. The story tended to gallop from there to the end as well :)
I really loved this line:
When you’re on your hands and knees getting a good fuck from behind and suddenly have your big brother’s face in your head, well that ends things pretty quick.
It made me really feel your character's thoughts. Well done, and I look forward to reading more from you.
anonymouse
Excellent idea, I felt that was a bit awkward. I like my characters so I want to keep them for future use. Thanks!Quote:
The first time I read it, I thought it was a continuation of the reverie. An easy way to fix this is to precede that line with something that alerts the reader of a scene change -- from Christine's thoughts back to the room in which she's tied. The story tended to gallop from there to the end as well
Mishkalicious!!!! Yay!! You're here!
Loved it and loved it more! What a wonderful story! :)
~huggles all over you~
tessa :wave:
I've lived with all my characters for quite a few years. I sometimes dress them differently or give them new names, but they all take turns to appear in my stories. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Mishka
anonymouse
Really nicely done, i do agree with the above and think you do need a transition signal to show when the reverie ends and reality begins. All in all a fine effort.
I will get your next assignment up today or tomorrow.
rose
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mishka
Thanks for the feedback, that's great.
This is a nice little story. I won't rehash any of the things that were already hashed out. At least I will try not to do so. As I expected, Muse got to most of the technical aspects of the story right off. She is so damned good at it!
Tis my turn to go through and offer my own brand of commentary, evil as I am.
The silk sheets were cool on her back. She nibbled on her lower lip, pondering, "How long will he make me wait this time?" Probably longer than last time.
The part in red should have been part of her thoughts. Either that or it should have read something to the tune of "He would make her wait longer than last time". The narrator shouldn't "probably" know.
Christine breathed a heavy sigh and craned her neck to try and see the clock. She’d only been waiting 30 minutes.
I would have modified this stylistically. "Craning her neck to see the clock, she breathed a haevy sigh. It had only been thirty minutes.
Do not use contractions in narration. It's bad form - mostly.
She doesn’t mean to be impatient; she was just a spoiled child, with three brothers much older than herself who doted on her every moment.
In this case, due to the conversational sounding narration, the contraction works well. Sometimes you have to abandon the rules. Good job with that here.
The youngest made sure she was tough enough to stand up for herself and be able to fight off all the boys and men who were not as nice as her brothers were.
I would have found a way to shortent his a bit. Maybe even turned it into two sentences. I would have also found a word different than "nice". In this case "nice" is a weak word. Not incorrect, just doesn't fit stylistically.
Suggestion: The youngest made sure she was tough enough to stand up for herself. They felt she ought to be able to fend off men and boys who were not as upstanding as her brothers.
Thank goodness, she thought, when Tom walked in just as her back started to sweat on the sheets.
This is very akward. Also, you need quotes around her thoughts.
Suggestion: Tom walked in, just as her back had begun to sweat against the sheets. "Thank goodness" she thought.
Christine pouted, that meant as she had suspected, her lesson wasn’t finished.
This was akward as well has being technically unsound. I won't hit the technical aspects but I will say that you should have said this in a very different manner.
Suggestion: Christine pouted, suspecting/realizing/understanding/knowing that her lesson was not over.
She loved getting it in both holes, but more waiting for him, and no cumming, she let out quietly, “shit”.
This is about three sentences waiting to bust out. It was akward and I really think you intertwined two different thoughts here and failed to adequately bring them to light. Also, "getting it in both holes" doesn't work here. It is too colloquial. This was a case where common parlance should have been avoided. The sentence is also technically unsound. I don't have a suggestion here as it would have required assumption to determine what you were hoping to get across.
She didn’t know Tom was still there at the door, “Was that a cuss word I heard?”
This should not have been one sentence. Also, "cuss word I heard" makes it sound a bit funny. I would have tried to avoid the rhyme.
She groaned quietly, she would have plenty of time to reminisce, take her mind off what her body will be going through, because she just tripled her punishment
This was not a sound sentence and should have been divided into a couple or three.
Suggestion: She groaned quietly. She would have plenty of time to reminisce and take her mind off of what she would be suffering. She had just tripled her punishment.
I am not trying to rewrite waht you brought here. I am trying to show you a few different ways that might make your tale flow a bit better than it does. One of the things you will notice is that there are times to write concise and short sentences; choppy even. Mainly, it is best to use short and choppy sentences when creating a sense of urgency. It also works well with high action scenes.
The beginning of the story should have been urgent. She was waiting. The time was passing interminably slow. Was he ever going to arrive? Was she ever going to find release?
Short and choppy would have aided that feeling.
When setting a slower or sensuous mood, it is usually best to write more intricate sentences that are drawn out and filled with adjectives. Like when he filled her cavities with one vibrator, followed by another, creating in her a sense of need and longing that she thought would never arrive. She so loved when he would use both of her holes as if she were a toy to be used for his sadistic pleasures. But she would have to wait; wait to find release from the agonizing pleasure she suffered for him.
Okay, I am done. I am also looking forward to your next piece. I suspect it will be even better than this tale. Keep it up.
My husband has always told me I have run-on sentences. Now it's much more obvious. Thanks for the feedback.