The place of sex in a D/s-bdsm relationship

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Originally Posted by ValKyrie

A thought that is formulating as I sit here and type is this: Sometimes, I use sex and orgasms as another "toy," tool or implement of BDSM. Other times, sex is communication and affection. Additionally, it is simply a matter of physical need. Sex can play many roles, physically, mentally, and emotionally and for us, depending on what those needs are, the needs may define and direct the act.

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Well put.
I came into BDSM thinking of it as an adjunct to sex... we were just really kinky in the bedroom, and any playing would always end in orgasm. It was just kinky foreplay.

The first time I learned of play parties, most of which do not allow any form of "traditional sex" I thought it was weird. I couldn't see myself wanting the bondage or torture, without that release. So we tried it... at first, by just playing, then waiting a few hours, doing other things, then heading to the bedroom for sex later. Being turned on all day is of course a pleasureable torture in itself.

Well, eventually one day we played and never got to the second part and it hit me suddenly (no pun intended) that being physically punished and all the emotions involved in a really good scene is terrific mental sex. Truly getting into sub-space is as good as, and even shares many of the physical results of an orgasm.

As we also have days of no play and just vanilla sex, I would have to 100% echo ValKyrie's opinions on cake:

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Sometimes, it is the cake I want.
Sometimes, the icing.
Sometimes the entire dessert menu.

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I haven't been in the community for very long; and have never been in a real life/real time dom/sub relationship as of yet; but from all that I have seen and read here on BDSM, my perspective is that, though there are obviously clear cut lines between doms/subs/whatever, there is still one basic truth that holds true.

A relationship is a relationship.

And how you work it out between you; between your beliefs, needs, desires, love and trust in each other, is just one more of a billion myriad shades in the BDSM spectrum.

Love/Trust is Trust\love = If it feels right for all concerned?

Then it is.

No matter what form it takes.

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Originally Posted by jazz

i personally don't think You are less than mainstream, Shadoom, let's face it, this is on some level a sexual activity, whether it is a cerebral sexual experience or a physical one. If this were not a sexual issue, we would not be listed in ADULT forums. We could discuss serving your dominant tea in the earshot of children.

Satisfaction can come in SOOO many ways, anyone who says the sex gratification is COMPLETELY not what it is about is....well....i don't even know what to call THAT. i may receive gratification from doing something totally unimportant to a sexual act, but doesn't it all feed into a more base human need?

Just as a disclaimer before i get someone jumping me, i am NOT saying that this type of relationship Dom/me / sub is ALL about sex for me. It is NOT. It is about trust and love and submission but if i didn't get some sexual gratification too would i be at this site? Or would i JUST go to Tammy Wynette's site and sing gloriously, "Stand by Your Man." i would subsribe to Martha Stewart's magazine and learn about whatever sport/hobby/activity my man wanted to participate in and be able to hold a conversation/participate/or perform in whatever capacity he wanted. Not to say that i don't do some of those things too...but if i didn't get SEXUAL gratification out of it too...i would NOT be here.

i believe that anyone who is here gets SOME form of sexual gratification out of what they do or they wouldn't be here.

Just my take on it!

jazz

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With me I've alkways been a romantic, honestly I don't even think of sex when I think about BDSM, I guess because there are other ways to get turned on in the end to see what may happen throughout ones choices. That is excatly what it is a choice for the right person to decide what I desire when they experience everything for themselves:)

First of all, let me point out, how grateful I am for this thread. If I recall it correctly, it originates from a very different question raised my a member in another thread.

Second, hello again Nikka, I am very happy to see that your progress allows you to get involved in the community to such an extent again.

More on the subject matter here, may I present a male dominant view with a different angle. Throughout my adult life, I have had difficulties "performing" in one way or another for certain periods of time. I have struggled with this for a very long time (which did not make it esier on me or my respective partners), and found my peace only very recently. For me, sex is part of any relationship, vanilla or otherwise, and not being able to perform "the act" seemed to make me a "lesser" partner in my own eyes.

Thanks to a brief encounter with a submissive person, this perspective has changed. For the first time in my life, I did not feel "inferior", "inadequate" or such if I did not succeed in having sex with her. She taught me that the actual act can lose its importance, if there are strong feelings between caring partners, that sexual gratification can be so much more than a few minutes of "humping". And, as someone else also mentioned, it was she who worried about me not getting enough, while giving her pleasure.

To sum it up: sex can become of secondary importance, as long as there is love, trust and true partnership and sexual gratification is gained by both partners together, maybe through BDSM play.

SMartie57

You are so lucky. Do you realize HOW lucky you are? I sincerely hope so.

Not many people are given the gift of someone who sees right through their outer body (not just looks, god forbid, but what they normally 'are', what they normally 'do') into their soul.

You have a rare woman. Don't LOSE HER. DON'T LOSE HER.

Hope I stressed that enough. =smile=

If you stop to think about it, arousal, love, everything...alll of it....99 percent or higher, it all originates from our mind. So how it's expressed from there...to here.... it's all still the same. LOVE.

You are so blessed. I wish the two of you EVERY EVERY EVERY happiness....

...with great envy, but blessings nonetheless.

I am going to throw my two cents in as well..and of course everything said is my opinion, and not meant to offend anyone...

Sexual intercourse is never a part of my play with any of my submissives, male or female...and the only one that is serviced sexually is me. That is not to say that I do not allow them to have sexual pleasure from time to time, it just is rare, a reward for something stupendous, and usually comes from forced masturbation or another sub....As a sadist, I get nothing from performing sexual acts on my submissives....I leave that work to themselves or others.....Now that does not mean that my submissives do not get sexually arosed or do not have orgasms.....the subs I usually play with are able to get that sexual pleasure through their service to me and also through their beatings/pain.....but if they do not, and have asked to be my property, then it makes no difference to me whether they are sexually fulfilled or not.....

as for love....I never fall in love with my submissives....I honestly believe that it can cloud ones judgement where Dominance is concerned.....now I am not saying that it cant be done, but it certainly isnt for me....there is a large amount of trust and respect though.....and through those I believe there is a form of love...just not romantic love.....

One of the things I enjoy the most about the entire BDSM realm is that we all have and form our own definitions and concepts.... :)